datingish's Datingish

How Pr0n Affected My Relationship

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 04:01:00 GMT

So as you might have noticed in my blogs I will sometimes mention an "event that occurred recently in my life." To come out and be completely honest, that event was, in short, me finding out my boyfriend would watch porn every day. This included mornings before I'd come to see him. Now, this was probably enlarged by he fact that he would tell me "I haven't touched that in AGES, I don't need it when I have you" -> lie. I know that many couples, males, and females, now embrace and accept porn in their relationships and personal lives, but I would like to share what other effects it could have and what happened to me:

My first thoughts were - You lied to me, why did you lie to me? and you were hiding things from me.

At first I was confused whether to be angry or not. I knew I shouldn't be because it's supposed to be normal but I DID know that lying to me in general was wrong, so I questioned it. He denied it (maybe a bit shameful) and ignored me when I confronted him. It felt as is he had put it before me because within his busy schedule(going to school and work full time) he managed to give time to that when I got 10 minute phone calls and an "I'm tired now" or "I'm busy". I felt unimportant and as if those things were better than I was which led to...

I saw what you've seen. How can I compete? I'm not your type. Why would you want me?

I looked through what he looked at and it was typical. Big fake chests, skimpy outfits, tanned skin, long hair, lots of makeup - sexy, slutty women...while he would always tell me he liked the opposite and that was why he liked me, but if this was what got him going then why would he ever find me desirable? Plus I'm up against not one woman, but millions. Again I felt lied to and even worse, as if I wasn't attractive and no one would ever love me because all men seemed to chase the same images. Would he Google search for a girl like me who's plain? So then I realized it was beginning to feel like..

You aren't loyal and will let me go when you find your ideal; you practically cheated on me or you will cheat on me

I was both sad and angry. If even though he is with me he could felt that certain way or *ahem* do those certain things to images or videos of someone else what does that mean about all the other women he meets? does he find them attractive too? will he think about them in that way? Even during the argument he said without thinking "well of course some people are more attractive than others but I just don't say it out loud". Even if it does sound like a fantasy I wanted to believe that the one your with is the one you think is better than the rest, that's why you're with them, and that intimacy like that was supposed to be special. More Here...

You Can't Be a Bisexual Woman if You Only Want Men.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 01:01:00 GMT

I'm sure I've written a variation of this post at some point in the fairly recent past, but I'm far too lazy to be scrolling through entries trying to locate the original post. Besides. If I have, it was probably privatized in response to another bout of family-drama, so let's pretend what I'm about to say here today is new and uncharted territory for me, shall we?

There's A Difference Between "Man, She's An Attractive Woman" and "Good God, I Want To Tear Her Clothes Off and Fuck Her Brains Out."

Admittedly, it's a mouthful of a sub-title for this section of my post, but Goddammit, it's true. Moreso than men, women are all dainty lines and sloping curves; from the standpoint of pure aesthetics, women are attractive. As women, we're also more likely to recognize attractive members of our same gender than men are -- it's far more socially acceptable for me to find Angelina Jolie absolutely gorgeous than it would be for a man to gush about Johnny Depp's disarming grin. Whatever the reasons for it, women have a tendency to evaluate the attractiveness of their peers in a far more open and vocal way than men.

That being said, I think young women these days grip rather instinctually - and somewhat pathetically - to the rather trendy idea that finding another woman attractive automatically means they're bisexual. That somehow "Hey, she's pretty" equates to a deeper sexual attraction that can only be described as equal to (or maybe even greater than) whatever attraction they feel towards members of the opposite sex. That "She's got gorgeous eyes" suddenly means a desire to sexually experience the woman in question..

However, attraction (or finding someone attractive) is fundamentally different than sexual attraction (or finding someone sexually attractive). There is a vast difference between the desire to have sex with say, Eliza Dushku, and merely wanting to have those characteristics we find attractive in her.

You Don't Want to Have Sex with Her; You Just Want to BE Her. Sticking with the Eliza Dushku example (because good Lord, I really do want that woman to undress me with her teeth), I've come to the conclusion that young women are far more likely to admit to attraction than jealousy. In coveting say, Eliza's tiny waist, ample hips and dark eyes, they redefine the jealous/envious desire to be everything they find attractive about this other woman as, instead, a desire to have her.

Because boys are far more likely to find bisexuality attractive in a woman, and nobody likes a jealous bitch. More Here...

Big Boys Don't Cry

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Miss Gorilla

My boyfriend is a fairly masculine creature. He is the strong and protective type who usually comforts me when I break down. He is always supportive and understanding, a sure fire wiper of said girl tears when I am upset. However, lately I have seen a side of him that is much more sensitive and emotional. Don't get me wrong, I know that men have feelings too and I'm glad that he is secure enough to let me see him cry.

Maybe it's the never-ending stereotype that men don't shed tears, but last night as my boyfriend sobbed in my arms, I felt more than a little weird about it. Of course I comforted him and offered him a wad of tissues when necessary. I love him regardless and I'd rather him be emotional than closed off. Still, I was definitely caught off guard. What do you think about men crying?

Dress Up For Your Date - Cookout Edition

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:01:00 GMT

I never know what to wear to cookouts. I always end up dressing too casually (shorts + t-shirt) and feeling gross once the smoke from the grill hits my eyes. Decidedly unattractive, I tell you.

Knowing there are other girls in my shoes, I decided to hunt down three cookout ready dresses. The rules I set for myself? They have to be under $20, won't wrinkle when you sit down on plastic lawn chairs and have to be able to withstand ketchup stains (I'm clumsy).

So I window-shopped online. Here's what I came up with from Forever 21:

Rope Tie Halter Dress - $18.90

Samantha Woven Dress - $19.80

Fab Pocket Dress - $9.50 (!!!!)

I have to vouch for this one - I bought it in three colors last year and have worn all three of them over and over.

What would you wear to a date at a cookout? Link us!

Commitment Phobia 101

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 19:01:00 GMT

*clears throat*

Hello, my name is Elizabeth, and I'm commitment phobic.

no seriously though,

We see our friends and families struggling and hurting at the hands of the ones that have the closest claim to them. The ones that are supposed to be guarding their hearts instead of using their proximity to cut the deepest.
And lets face it, that's what happens.

This problem is long lines of bitter relationships and humans being humans and us being such COWARDS that we can't stand up for ourselves, the ones we love, and everything else we claim to believe in.

Be honest- what do you believe in?
That the government can save the world, one tax policy at a time (no please don't comment on that i was just being sarcastic)? Animal rights? Saving the environment?

But isn't love something worth believing in??

Isn't it THE something worth believing in??

Sometimes I feel like even though every single person you asked would answer with a firm 'yes!' their lives would scream 'noooooo' as they dove for cover.

I'm scared to death. I'm a coward unmatched on this sorry planet of ours.
I'm afraid of making myself vulnerable to someone.
I'm terrified of giving my life,
my hopes,
and my dreams into the hands of someone else.
I'm...
phobic.

I have this thing with trust. It scares the living daylights out of me. I literally can't do a trust-fall. What if they drop me? I mean...

they're.
only.
human.

But I'm human too.

I guess I'm more afraid of ending up like the rest of them.

I'm afraid of losing faith.

I know so many people that have split or even 'live'(more like 'endure') until a ripe old age upset with their spouse, their friends, and themselves for letting them make the biggest mistake of their lives.
But maybe it wasn't a mistake?
What if they were truly in love back then?

The problem is not that they don't/didn't love each other. The problem is that they let go.

I live in the hope that you're just as scared as I.

I live in the hope that you won't let go.

Follow-Up: He Betrayed My Trust

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Mslycious wrote a comment letting us know what happened since her BF's toga party debacle:

"Thanks everyone for your comment. I really appreciate it. At first, before i posted it on Datingish for advice, I was thinking exactly the same thing - dump him. I've been in some bad relationships before, and i've always given all of them second chances so i thought i'll take this one for a second chance.

Iluvgillian is right.. Guys hate it when girls snoop. I was too afraid to tell him that i snooped so instead i bought it up to him saying that i rather him not lie to me because we have mutual friends at the party and I know what happened and what didnt. Our talk ended up to be 3 hours with nothing really solved.

On top of that, my friends have been sending me emails with this picture that was posted on his facebook. It was him and the girl (host of the party) sharing a cupcake cheek to cheek. I ended up bringing that up too. I told him that I'm cool with him having girlfriends and i'm cool with him going out with a bunch of guys. Although I'm not cool with the whole closeness with another girl, especially one that i never got introduced to even when she's suppose to be your close friend.

I understand that we've been only going out for 3 months, but we known each other for awhile and before we got into this relationship, we both had to think long and hard. Our best friends are both dating each other, therefore we're kind of putting them in between and also the friendship on the line. Also, even though its only 3 months, I didnt want to continue on something that i wasnt happy about but yet I wasnt sure that it was just probably early in the relationship that he's treating me this way.

For our 3 hour talk, i poured out everything on how i feel in the past couple of weeks. He just sat there and listen, once in awhile, a nod. In the end, he apologized for lying, saying he wasnt sure why he did it but he did. He apologized for not introducing me to his friends and also about the picture (which he said he didnt think it was a big deal cuz i should know he's a laid back guy). In my response, I knew he was a laid back guy, but now that he's not single anymore, there is more than one person's feeling to be caring about. If it was the other way around, I would think twice before I decided to get a little "close" with my male friends just because I dont want to make him think/feel in a different way.

In the end, he said he'll be a better boyfriend (heard it before) and that I should let him know those things right away instead of hiding it so I dont drop it like a bomb on him. Given credit for him saying that, I am sticking around to see if he'll change but my guards are up now.

Once again, thank you Datingish members for all your comments/help. I decided to go with the confrontation first before dropping him. Seems that he didnt fight back and said he'll try to make things better because he wants it to work just as much as I do, i've decided to try once more. No time limit but definitely more cautious."

fmlfriday

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Fmylife.com contains short day-to-day life anecdotes. A simple recipe: in one sentence, each site visitor can tell the shitty moment which ruined his day. These short stories must begin with "Today" and end with "FML".

Here are our favorite five submissions from F*** My Life this week:

Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

maybe birth control girl should've read our seasonique post from this week...

Friday Fun: Where Did You Think Babies Came From?

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:01:00 GMT

Most of my parental explanations about where babies come from began with "well, when a man and a woman get married, love each other very much and decide they want a baby..." so back in the day, I automatically assumed that babies were brought by a combination of wanting and love (come to think of it, it kind of is a combination of those two...) on behalf of the parents.

Anyway, I assumed you could will a baby to be born because you were ready and loved your husband/wife and reallyreallyreally wanted a child. And that was not really correct.

I didn't buy the stork thing because my immediate association with storks was what I knew of Dumbo and Vlasic pickles.

"MOM! THE STORK ONLY BRINGS ELEPHANT BABIES"

"...and pickles!"

Where did you think babies came from before you found out what really needs to happen?

When A Stranger Calls

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:01:00 GMT

Miss Rhino

In my other life, I do promotions for Zippo at concerts. It's an amazing job. I get to go to concerts for free and all I have to do is give away prizes for a few hours. And as an added bonus, I get to meet a lot of cute boys.

Last weekend I was working at the 311 concert when I happened upon a nice young gentleman. I did the usual "Hi! Would you like to win a free lighter from Zippo?" and he took the bait. We exchanged names, where we lived, the whole nine yards. Meanwhile, I'm discreetly leading him over to the Zippo tent. What kind of a promotions girl would I be if I wasn't always trying to make a sale. He eventually asked for my number to which I responded: "Will you buy a lighter?" A little quid pro quo action never hurt anyone right?

This guy essentially paid $35 dollars for my number. Color me flattered. He called my phone so I would have his and made me promise to call him soon so we could go out.

Before the concert was over, I decided to send him a text: "Enjoy your lighter ;)" No response. Finally, around 1 a.m. I got an answer back from him.

"Enjoy my lighter? Who is this?"

It took a whole series of text messages reminding him about our entire conversation and a friend request on Facebook before he finally remembered meeting me. Not only was I completely embarrassed but I felt a little bit bad. I had convinced a guy who apparently was completely blacked out to buy a $35 dollar lighter. This is a cautionary tale. Drinking heavily does not pay, people. More Here...

"They Don't Wanna Define It" - The Implications of Hooking Up

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:01:00 GMT

Whoa, whoa, I do hook up.

I guess that means, Miss Clarkson, that I do come cheap...if only in the sense that what I give of myself, I give freely, asking nothing of the other.

In the eyes of some, in the eyes of many, it seems (including my most recent hookup [the one who began with the offer of a fun two weeks before I graduated and ended, coincidentally enough, with the promise of seeing me the next day, for those of you keeping track at home], but only until I did hook up with him), that makes me less of a "lady". Lady, a title of nobility. A title denoting, conventionally, grace, tact and respectability, moral character. Often enough, my mother has pointed out that her grandmother (the Countess) would be rolling over in her grave if she heard any of this talk of birth control and sleeping with anyone but my pillow.

Why? Because I am honest in recognizing my own desires and the desires of someone I find attractive? Because I won't demand of the people for whom I care that they make choices contrary to those they would make for themselves? That's the conflict, isn't it? The assumption is always that a hookup is indiscriminate, that he's there and I have legs to spread (Countess rolling at these words, right now). No, no, no. I hook up with people I want to be close to, people I would like in my life. More Here...