Thursday, 22 March 2012
I've never been a sexual person, in the slightest. I always had a thought in the back of my mind that was uncomfortable with the idea of sex, and really, I don't really like being touched, anywhere, at all. On top of that, I have a ridiculously sensitive conscience, and feel guilty at the drop of a hat. This is all a huge problem, because I have a wonderful boyfriend that I've been with for over a year.
I have to make two things clear before I continue:
1. I have a history of self-abuse, and have struggled with it for a long time. As other self-injurers know well, certain things trigger me and it can get hard to deal with. One of my main triggers is guilt, and I have a really hard time if I feel guilty for something.
2. I am a virgin, and my boyfriend is too, for religious beliefs, and also just the way we were raised. We have decided to remain that way until marriage. And since we believe this, sometimes if we go a little too far it makes me feel guilty. Which kicks in my guilt/SI reflexes.
While I don't believe it is bad to kiss or get 'close', after going a little past my boundaries several months ago, now just even kissing my boyfriend has been an immediate SI-guilt trigger and I have to stop. He doesn't understand and is, of course, frustrated and hurt. I have tried many times to try to ignore it, but the longer I ignore it, the worse it gets until I can't take it anymore. This has taken a toll on our relationship.
I have also recently come clean to myself with the fact that I absolutely never want to have sex. I'm not a thirteen year old girl posting on here, and I'm perfectly attracted to my boyfriend. And a lot of people will say "you've never tried it, how would you know?" and that's true, but I honestly never want to. I hate the idea of my privacy being violated, I hate being touched in any way that's not a hug, I don't like it if my boyfriend merely puts his hand on my thigh. I've put up with it all, for his sake, without so much objection. But recently, the past several months (connecting to the guilt issue), I can't stand being touched at all, and it just makes me feel horrible.
I do love him, very much, and I'm not repulsed by him, of course not. I was much less like this when we first started dating. It just seems to have gotten worse, especially lately.
He's convinced that I have a sexual disorder, and maybe I do, or maybe it's something else. Whatever the case, it's gotten really bad and has taken a toll on our relationship. I realize that if I ever were to marry him, I'd most likely still be like this (since I have been all of my life), and although I can't say for sure, I fear that I would never ever want to have sex, or do anything, really. I'd have to make myself all the time for his sake. He already made it clear that he's not going to beg me to do anything if I don't want to, but because of myself, I don't think I'd be good for him if he ever asked me to marry him.
I've talked to him about the best option being to break up so he can find someone much better suited for him. He's taking all of this hard, but insists that he'll have to get over it because 'I'm stuck with him'. He's incredibly sweet and has been a much better sport about it than I deserve, but in the long run, I feel that my two options are:
1. I find some way to get over this and beat it, whatever my issues are.
2. If I can't, it is definitely not fair for me to stay with him.
Is there anything I can do to get over this?