Tuesday, 17 January 2012
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A Broken Engagement After 4 Years! Why Keep a Failing Relationship?
A little less than four years ago when my husband and I first got together, one of his good friends had just gotten engaged to his long-time love. He did this on the eve of New Years, so as we all gathered around the dinner table, they were planning their future together. Everyone was extremely excited for them and it seemed that they were excited too. They planned to have a summer wedding, but as the spring came and went, and summer quickly approached, they decided to postpone their wedding until next year...and then the next...and the next.
My husband's friend used to poke fun at us, saying that they are a much more serious couple than we are because they are engaged. She would constantly point out to me that their relationship is more serious than ours because she has a ring on her finger.Two years ago, while at a couples dinner night, she confessed to me in the women's room that she was not attracted to her fiance, did not care for him and was staying with him because he was studying to be a lawyer. Oh and another thing, she told me they never had sex.
Every time we would go somewhere on a trip she would sleep in the same bed with her fiance and her best friend. Weird, right? She told everyone that she was not that type of girl and wanted to wait until marriage. Ironically, she had a boyfriend before her fiance and she was definitely that type of girl with him. In the ladies room she also confessed to me that she was more attracted to my boyfriend (now husband) then her own fiance.
On the way home I told my husband what she had told me. He was shocked and asked me why she'd stay with her fiance if she feels that way. I honestly did not have an answer. Of course my husband did not hold the news to himself for very long, and soon after told his best friend, who then went ahead and told her fiance. As you can imagine, the fiance was livid, and they got into a huge argument. It turned out to be the evil witch that wanted to ruin their relationship.
Nevertheless, they worked it out and decided to stay together. They got a little bit closer, I mean she started to allow him to hug her and give her a peck on the lips; a big improvement from before. At some point my husband's best friend made a joke that my husband and I would get married before them, although the length of our relationship is same as the length of their engagement.
Let's fast-forward two years ahead. My husband proposed to me in October and we decided to have a July wedding. When she found out she announced that they are having a May wedding. Of course everyone's response to this was "Finally!" Nevertheless, May came and went and there was no wedding. They attended our wedding and seemed to enjoy each other's company. Afterwards, we saw them when we returned from our honeymoon and they informed us that they were once again planning a May '12 wedding.
This time we simply nodded and didn't say much. For some reason, we felt that it would not happen. Yesterday they announced their split. My husband's friend said that he simply got tired of her not appreciating him and treating him like garbage. Really? He only realized it now?
I guess my question is, why do people stay engaged or in long term relationships when they know deep inside that it's not working out? Can men really stay in a sexless relationship for six years because they "love" their significant other without cheating?
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About the Author
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- From: pinkdiffusion@xanga
- About Me: I am very outspoken, opinionated and adventure seeking individual. I enjoy conversation and cooking. I believe that life is not meant to be taken seriously, so we should love a little more, laugh a little louder and live a little bit more carelessly. I recently married the love of my life and am looking forward to all the wonderful adventures that lay ahead of us. I have friends lock but if you want to read my posts send me a request.
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Comments (77)
"I guess my question is, why do people stay engaged or in long term relationships when they know deep inside that it's not working out?"
Usually because:
1. They like the attention and the social perks of being on the road to matrimony;
2. They're using it to cover for some other secret relationship;
3. They're morons.
"Can men really stay in a sexless relationship for six years because they "love" their significant other without cheating? "
Absolutely. Of course, if he's a guy who is okay with premarital sex, there's a distinct possibility that he's getting some outside of that relationship, through some other girl or girls.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Both of them had sexual relationships before getting together. That's why its hard to believe that both of them abstained for six years.
@pinkdiffusion@xanga - Ah... Then yeah, either he's getting some elsewhere, or she is, and they aren't telling each other. Very unlikely that they're that faithful to each other when they could be having sex with other people.
@Pink_TeaCups@xanga - Thanks! We try to learn from other people's mistakes lol
I agree with you, I think it was cowardly of them and they were preventing each other from moving on with their lives. They both were wasting each other's time in my opinion. Its hard to believe that they stayed faithful.
men can do it, it's girls who can't. that's because we get no attachment out of it, but girls do. why we're the ones who get the bad rap is beyond me.
edit// maybe not for 6 years. my point was that these are separate mechanisms for guys.
=_= That's just terribly pathetic.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I did not mean to offend you. I did not mean to say that men will cheat. I simply asked this question because I know him more personally, and know how she treated him over the last six years, thats why I asked the question. The way she treated him, why would a MAN stay with a women that doesn't satisfy him mentally, spiritually or physically.
Also I know plenty of men that get attached after having sex so I don't think your statement is necessarily true.
Women stop settling
If whoever you're with is not what you want, then leave him the fvck alone so he can go on with his life.
"she was not attracted to her fiance, did not care for him and was staying with him because he was studying to be a lawyer. Oh and another thing, she told me they never had sex."
It kind of makes you wonder what brought them together in the first place....!
@Seussian@xanga - She broke up with him a few times and he would run back to her and beg her to return. When we told him what she said he was upset, and then went back to her and told us its none of our business. It was more like him not letting her go. I agree with you, I think she was settling in a way, but he was the one who was running after her.
@crazygrampastuey@xanga - Lol makes me wonder the same thing, thats why I started this blog =) All our friends and me were confused for years as to why are they staying together.
Maybe because it's comfortable? It's terribly unfair to the other person and if she had any integrity, she would end it. I feel sorry for your friend. 4 years is a long time and he could have been out meeting someone who did care for him and find him attractive.
@Saridactyl@xanga - I completely agree with you. I hate when people waste other people's time.
answer to last question- yes of course.
and for the first one--- i dont know, i think they keep hoping it'll get better or something ??? ... i always thought it was kind of disrespectful to both people and we all see that situation very often..
also loved your bio
I'd have to agree with Quantum Storm, about their reasons for "staying together." I can understand that some people want to save it for marriage, but she's not a virgin. How convenient she's saving it for marriage with him. I am really doubting that he was really saving himself for her for more than 4 years. I don't think I know any men who really save for 4 years. I have a friend, who is pretty religious, but even he only held out until he was 20, and he married the first girl he dated. (Safe to say most of the guys I know lost it before 18.) I guess, your husband's friend can very well have been saving himself, but I would think the more likely situation is that they were both hiding something from each other and from all their friends, because they really had no reason to stay together--no love, no friendship...not even sex!
i guess they are always waiting to try and work it out. and like "maybe it will work out on its own" or "maybe after kids/marriage, he/she will change..." but it never do.
There are definitely people who can wait and I know a good number of them, myself included. It's extremely difficult, but at the same time we've never had sex and don't really know what we're missing. However, I can't speak to how two people who have already had sex can stay together and not have sex unless there is a strong internal motivator (for both of them) that we don't know about. Or it's possible sex is a small sacrifice to each of them in the context of the relationship.
She was in love with the idea of being married to a prestigious lawyer maybe? Maybe she thought she would always be finically stable with him and she would be set for life. Ironically my fiancé of 3 years broke up with me when I decided to enroll in law school….
It's amazing to me that people are so quick to write off self control. Sex belongs in marriage, only.
I can definately say that it depends on the person. Its not my place to judge her or him for thier sexual activity, what does seem harsh is that maybe her lack of intimacy is what the autor had concluded : She wasnt attracted to him and didnt want him. I'm sure the guy could wait, it would just be unfortunate that he waited so long for nothing in the end.
@NightCometh@xanga - I disagree with you. I don't think sex is marriage only. I think sex is for two people in love. Some people decide not to ever get married, I don't think that they shouldn't have sex just because they don't believe in the institution of marriage.
@twilike@xanga - Yup. I agree. =)
@pinkdiffusion@xanga - That's your opinion, but it's not God's.