datingish's Datingish

Dear Dr. Datingish: Should I Talk To Him About His Ex?

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about three months now. We've had a general discussion about our exes, and he gave me a general synopsis of the two girls that actually mattered to him. At first, I gave him the same general synopsis, but over time, I've told him pretty much everything that went on for me, and some of it was VERY painful to admit and talk about.

The one that mattered most, he said, was a girl who had been his best friend for years but was three years older than he was. He said they started going out when he turned thirteen, and I later found out that they went out for three years. When I asked why they had broken up, he said that she had gone to college, or something to that extent, and that she had changed.

There have been a couple instances where she has been mentioned in passing, and from the way he spoke about her gave me the impression that she had been everything to him. He had only one other relationship that had meant anything since then, and it was with a girl who ended up cheating on him with his best friend near the end of the relationship.

His password for everything is still the name of his first ex (along with a variation of numbers for different things). When he told me, he said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but it's [insert ex's name here]." Maybe I did take it the wrong way, but it DOES bother me. He got his laptop after they broke up, and he still decided to use her name for the password.

I want to know the details of what went wrong in the relationship, and I also want to tell him it kind of bothers me that he still uses her name every day, even if it is just to log onto his laptop or check his email. I'm aware I might just be paranoid, since I've had a really nasty experience in the past where a guy I really liked left me for his ex.

Am I being paranoid, or am I justified to feel this way? Would it be wrong of me to ask him about it? And if you think I should ask him about it, what's the best way to bring something like that up?

Got a question for Dr. Datingish? Send it to us here!

Now That We Live Together, We Have Sex Less Often...

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 02:01:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.

I always thought that married couples had sex daily . . . or rather, when a guy is living with his chick, they had sex on a daily basis. I've had to ask a few people here and there, and that doesn't seem the case anymore. Currently, I'm living with my boyfriend and we don't have sex daily; actually we do it once a week. Usually, when we get home from work, we're both so tired that we just want to relax and have a good sleep.

I'm just confused 'cause when I was living alone, I always wanted to have sex with him - like, on a daily basis - and now I wonder what has really changed.

It's so confusing and I just don't seem to understand my body anymore. Or maybe it was just an insecurity issue . . . I don't know! Help!

Help My Friend Land The Guy of His Dreams

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 23:45:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by roadlesstaken.

My friend has a problem and needs some advice. I've offered some help, but I'm coming to the Datingish community to see if others have more advice to give. Here's what my friend says:

"So there's this guy that doesn’t even know I exist, and I kind of have a crush on him. Call me a stalker, but I know his name, so of course, I look him up on Facebook. I read his profile, and I finally come to a realization that I want to ask this guy out on a date. However, I don't know how the heck to approach him. I'm assuming he would think I was creepy or just a huge stalker (and I admit it was kind of stalkerish of me). I've seen television shows where a guy is attracted to a girl and he just approaches her and just uses his charm to ask her out. I don't know if that works in real life, but I definitely don't have the guts to do that.

Here's another dilemma: I'm a guy. That’s the reason I looked him up on Facebook…to see if he was gay himself. I'm not your typical flamboyant gay guy (at least I don’t think I am), and neither is he (from what I've seen), so here's another question: How do I go up to him and ask him out, and to tell him that I found out he is gay? Do I even tell him that? I've never really done anything like this before.

What I'm really wondering here is how do gay guys ask other guys out without meeting them in a "gay" community, such as a bar, club or a gay organization/event? Do you just approach other guys trying to guess whether they' re gay or not?"

Songs That Should Be "Boxed Away"

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Miss Zebra

"I wanna live in a house like that
Where love wears out our welcome mat
And our hearts know that's where it's at
I wanna live in a house like that
Live with you in a house like that
(Loving you in a house like that)"

He smiled at me as "House Like That" by Donovan Chapman came on the radio in the car.

"It's very true. I can't wait to love you in our own house..." I tried to smile (but couldn't really come up with a reply) and was thanking my lucky stars when he turned his eyes back to the road. I didn't want him to see the mixture of confusion and thoughts running through my head.

"Then why am I having such a hard time picturing you with that song...?"

That song was one I shared with someone else the year before. We weren't dating, but we were both interested in each other and that song was one of the last we shared together before I told him it would never work between us. Despite having never been in an official relationship, there were several songs that reminded me of him and that we had shared together. Even in another relationship I couldn't forget them and shake that connection.

Are there some songs that should be "boxed and put away, never to be used again," as one Datingish reader put it? Or does it show you've completely gotten over someone when you can listen to one of your old songs and not skip over it?

My Parents Think We're Getting Too Serious

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:12:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by midge4ever.

I have been dating my boyfriend for ten (almost eleven) months. My parents were not okay with this from the time I told them that I liked him. Their idea of coping with this is by completely running our relationship, and in the end it seems like they are trying to ruin it.

Not only do they tell me who I can and can't hang out with, but they also tell my boyfriend who he can and can't hang out with (which includes his best friend). This is completely unfair to me and my boyfriend, and I don't understand why they can't see that. They also expect him to come to every single one of our family gatherings, and when he wants me to come to a family thing with him, my family always somehow has something planned that I absolutely have to attend. Come on - it's not like I'm never going to see my family again.

At the beginning of the relationship, they told my boyfriend that he had to be in this for good. In other words, "If you break our daughter's heart I'm going to break something of yours."

10 months later we are still going strong and they tell us that we are getting too serious even though we aren't even sleeping together. The most we've done in front of my parents is given eachother a hello/goodbye kiss (definitely not a make-out session). This is confusing me and my boyfriend, and we are both getting very frustrated.

The list of how over-the-top and strict they are goes on and on. I wasn't allowed to ride in the car with him if we were going to be alone.

Are your parents this strict? What should I do? How should I handle this? Another parent's input would be nice, too.

Dating and Taking Classes Together

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 16:30:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by wuwu.

There's a cute guy in my class.. but alas, I am confined by the bars of taken-hood. Regardless, it's probably better this way; mixing academics with romance is a bad idea. When my boyfriend and I took a political science class together last year, we were coincidentally put in the same discussion and THEN into the same group. It was a small group consisting of us two and another guy. I wonder if the other guy ever knew we had a thing going on. If I were him and knew, I would've felt extremely awkward. We did break up during that quarter and seeing him in both class and discussion (and group meetings!) was just too weird for words.

Eventually, we did patch things up and we've been good since then; however, there is a class next quarter that we both plan to take. We've both sworn not to tell each other which discussion we plan to take because I don't want to have that in mind when I pick out my classes. It might sway me to pick it because the idea of spending more time with someone you admire is appealing at first.. but if things go sour, it's just horrible. I'm iffy about taking the same classes with him.

What do you think about taking classes with your significant other? I suppose it's the precursor to working together

Dear Dr. Datingish: I Don't Like Kissing

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 13:31:00 GMT

Dr. Datingish

I was 24 when I had my first kiss. I had wanted it to happen much, much sooner, but you can't always plan these things.

It should have been exciting. I was in a big, flashy, foreign city. I was just checking into my hotel room, and my then-boyfriend followed me in, and 30 seconds later, he kissed me.

On one hand, I was glad I finally knew what it was like. But most of me was thinking, "This is it? It's wet!" He asked if I liked it. I didn't want to offend him, so I said I did. But I didn't. It was wet. It was all I could think about. That, and wondering what on earth was wrong with me that I didn't like it.

I figured it would get better. It didn't. I continued to kiss him, but only because I felt I should. I really liked him at the time. And when he touched me when we were fooling around, I never knew anything could feel so amazing. But I never could get used to the kissing, and I felt terrible about it. We have since broken up. I have met someone else who is great. Someone I would eventually like to date. But I'm scared. What if I kiss him and all I can think is, "it's wet?" What if I'm as bad a kisser with him as I was with the other guy?

Is there a way I can learn to like kissing? And if I don't like kissing, does that mean I won't like sex when the time comes for that?

Got a question for Dr. Datingish? Send it to us here!

He's Not Ready for A Serious Relationship - I'm Not Waiting Around

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:10:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by charm1234.

A little less than 4 months ago I started dating this guy; we're both in our late 20s. I knew from a mutual friend that he had recently gotten out of a serious relationship (of about a year), but they hadn't lived in the same city for about four months. Knowing all of this when we started dating, I made the decision to not bring up his ex, ask him questions or discuss my ex and the baggage I carried. I wanted to approach our dating a different way than I usually do and avoid talking about emotions, expectations, etc. too soon.

We took things slow; he treated me great and things were going well. We were having a lot of fun...or so I thought.

He invited me to a wedding in which I would meet his parents. Three weeks before the wedding, he took me out to a nice dinner; afterward we walked to the subway while holding hands. Then as we parted ways he said, "I like you a lot, I have so much fun with you, but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship."

Without hesitating I said, "Okay, so we're breaking up?". He wanted to take a break and I said no; immediately what went into my head was that he was just trying to break it to me gently. And if I were to give him that break, more than likely, it wouldn't help all that much. He still wanted to hang out and asked if I would go to the wedding with him, but I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I just wanted to rip the bandaid off.

My question is, was he just letting me down gently? Or could he have been telling the truth - that he wasn't ready? I'm certainly not going to wait around for him, but I just wonder if I should offer up the idea of our possibly getting back together down the road.

My Fiancé's Educational Plans Are Messing Up Our Life Plans

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:42:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by Bapster1.

I was recently talking to my fiancé when he casually mentioned that he's considering studying 2 to 4 more years in college in order to become either a pharmacist or a chiropractor. I was completely shocked, especially when I realized how possible this is considering he hasn't actually declared a major yet.

You see, we had it all planned out. He was going to major in business and I in communications. We are both attending the same college. We've had this plan for years - even before we began college. We wanted to get done with school in four years; we were both going to work a year and then we were going to get married, settle down and have a family. We both were really excited about our plans because we want kids more than anything and we can't wait to start a family.

But here's a twist in our story. We've been dreaming about this for three years already. It's been a long, hard journey and the wait has seemed like a lifetime. Looking ahead, we have the same number of years ahead of us as we do behind us. Gosh, is forever enough?

And now he tells me he wants to study for at least two more years?! What happened to our dreams or plans? More Here...

Is Love All It's Cracked Up to Be?

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:08:00 GMT

This is a guest blog submitted by sophia.

I think a lot of the things in life are overrated, like school and political issues. Sometimes I think about the caveman days where they slept, ate, pooped, reproduced and just basically got through life one day at a time. Life was so simple compared to now.

Sometimes I wonder if love is overrated. I've never been in love and no matter how much I like someone, I always think, "Psh, this isn't love. I would know." But what if I'm expecting this wonderful and incredibly overwhelming feeling and it never happens? What if I'm always expecting more so that when I'm actually in love, I'll be like, "Huh. Okay," instead of "I can't live without you, boy"?

I don't want it to be overrated, and I want to believe in those pretty sappy, stupid love songs, and I want to believe in those sappy stupid romantic movies and think that that's what the future holds for me, too. But what if it's all an exaggeration and that's not really what people feel when they're in love? And what if those people who are in love are just making what they feel seem a whole lot bigger to the public just because "he's the sunshine I wake up to everyday" sounds better than "he's sweet"?

If you have been in love before, is love really all that it is hyped up to be? If you haven't, do you believe it will be?