I often miss the fire of lust. The baited breath, grasping hands, sweat, and the heated silence. Even now I can almost feel the lingering ache of a pair of hands caressing my skin in pursuit of my ragged breaths. My body remembers even though I can no longer indulge it.

There hasn't been a reason for baited breath for some time now. I'm a pretty willing partner but when my partner isn't enjoying themselves, how am I to do the same? Don't I deserve the tingle of passion curving around my lower back?

Goosebumps? Flushed skin? That warm glow that leaves you writhing on the bedsheets like a thoroughbred in a summer field? Can't I have that again?

I believe that we have convinced ourselves to be dependent on the validation of others. We can't/won't/don't believe in our own self-worth unless someone says they see it and believe it too. You can be the most confident person in the world with a clear vision of where you are going in life and how to get there, but put a few people in the room who do nothing but see the negative choices/ideas/outcomes and even that person will buckle.

Ideally, we are designed to learn from our mistakes and to keep moving forward with our lives. We identify the parts of our lives that damage us or slow us down and, when balanced against what we want, often cut it out of our lives. It is a survival mechanism.

So explain to me, dear reader, how a perfectly intelligent being with this ability to overcome great obstacles, does not move on with their lives? What if their survival mechanism is firing but for some reason the recoil only puts them right back where they started from?

I have two friends who once dated one another. The relationship was purely physical and filled a void they both had at the time. The relationship ended fairly amicably. She recoiled to her ex, believeing there was no other option opened to her at the time. Time and a well-used firing mechanism finally work for her and she is back on track to being a strong, independent single mom.

My other friend wasn't so lucky. He moved on to a series of women that could only be categorized as bad judgments at best. One of these women keeps resurfacing in his life, in effect destroying it every time. He's lost jobs, homes, and friends because of this woman and stll he goes back to her. She's had him arrested, banned from hotels for disturbances, and yet he still goes back to her. He can't tell you why, he can barely stand her, they argue all the time, but for some reason he just can't let go.

In my book, this clearly qualifies him as a sucker. I can't think of any other reason/words to describe this situation. I have determined that I can no longer be a friend to him because he is not even willing to try to free himself from this destructive relationship. He knows it is bad and that nothing good will come of being with this woman but he won't leave her, so I have taken my leave of our friendship because I refuse to be present during his slow suicide. I can't do it anymore.

I guess that makes me a bad friend or something. I still feel bad but I'm not going to change anything, he has to be the one to set himself free. This whole thing just makes me sad.

Most long term relationships (I'm talking 10 or more years) will tell you, when asked, that honesty has kept them strong. This seems to present the idea that secrets and privacy are evil fiends that destroy otherwise healthy relationships. After all we spend an immense amount of time, energy nd money breaking down our potential significant other's barriers, walls and layers. Getting to know someone isn't about really absorbing the information but picking up enough highlights to get us to the next layer. The need to be 'open and honest' propelling us forward but without any regard of when to stop. This can only lead to the tragic loss of our honesty filters.

Now, I'm not talking in a good way; like knowing your significant other's favorite color, food, holiday, show, or music. I'm talking the overly personal way like bowel movement status, random thought discussions that go on for hours because it was immediately on your mind, burping and farting as if digestion is now a public event. You only perfunctorily say 'excuse me' (either before or after) and apologize if it is 'armed'. You laugh at the torment of the other but never stop to think of having gone to the bathroom for that, or at least left the room. There are comedians who point out the humor in our lack of couth, but we've been together for 'ages' so it's okay.

I am now faced with the ending of my 10 year marriage, I think I have a problem. I've been so honest these past 8 years (give or take a year for that 'newlwed' stage) that I'm not entirely sure that I can last more than 5 minutes in a 'normal' conversation let along a date situation without talking about my health in excruciating detail, my kid, my previous relationships (as if recalling traffic accidents for some) or anything else one would normally hold back on until you are into month-long relationship territory. Yeah, I'm potentially screwed...and not in the good way.

So what's a woman to do when her honesty filter seems to be broken?