Thursday, 07 March 2013
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Short Term Relationship Doomed to Failure?
So, I recently started dating the most amazing girl I've ever known. I almost wish it never had happened.We've known each other since December when I transferred job locations. I never had any intentions of asking her out much less getting involved with anyone else for that matter since I am leaving for the Navy in April. However, in January, I was given the opportunity by my recruiter to leave earlier in February which I eventually agreed to do. Shortly after, I was plagued by the flu and pneumonia and now I'm leaving in April again. And if it wasn't for this occurrence I would never have asked this girl out.
It should be mentioned that I had asked my boss if she knew I was joining the Navy and she said yes. I figured if she already knew then she would know what she was getting herself into and it was worth the risk to ask her out. I never thought that our relationship would turn out the way it has but it feels like we've been dating for months in only a time span of three weeks. Things developed so quickly I couldn't help but ask her how she felt about me leaving in 7 weeks one night when she was over. Turns out, this was kind of news to her ears. She mentioned she might have remembered hearing about it awhile ago before we started dating but never thought much of it.
I told her I thought she knew. I told her I almost thought about ending the relationship before it got too heavy because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. All my friends told me to wait until it was almost time for me to go before bringing up my leaving but I didn't think it was fair to wait so long. I thought that night and moment would have been the end of our relationship then and there. It wasn't. We ended up having sex for our first time that night and we've been intimate since.
We always hug, cuddle, kiss, hold hands. We both told each other we have strong feelings although she said she was confused. She asked me if I could postpone my leave date but I'm not sure if I am willing to do that nor if I can. We are still dating but I can't shake the thought from my head that once I leave it wouldn't be fair for either of us. I could be committed to a LDR but I'm not sure if she could.I don't know what to do. I've thought about breaking up with her more than a few times but then I also think she could be the one worth waiting for. I've read a million blogs and websites where people say LDR's don't work and others where they do. We had a talk and said we would stay together until I left. Would it be selfish of me to bring up the topic again and honestly tell her that I am looking for a long term relationship, and willing to make it work even though I'll be leaving soon and asking her how she feels about it?
If she doesn't feel the same way I guess it would be worth ending things. Or should I wait a while longer? I just feel like the longer I wait to say this the harder it will get, and if things are gonna end anyways why should I drag it on. I still have 5 weeks before I go. I'd like to believe we could make it work.
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- From: gus
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Comments (22)
all relationships end. accept it now.
as for feeling like you've been together for months in just 3 weeks...i kind of get the impression that you're inexperienced (which is fine, everyone starts somewhere). just realize that you actually *don't* know her that well, and honeymoon phases are short-lived.
anyway, i wouldn't do distance thing. why limit yourself from meeting all sorts of new girls while you're on tour? unless you guys would be open, in which case, go to town. one of my classmates in undergrad was in rotc, and once he started going on tour he and his girlfriend went open. the intention was to bring new ideas to each other when they could see each other.
Talk to her now. Your really don't have time to wait and it would only make things harder for the both of you. I was in a similar situation with my partner (except he knew for months that I was going to be leaving for BMT seeing as he was the first person I told that I had enlisted at all). We had been good friends for a couple of years but never got together for one reason or another, and he told me when I called him to tell him that I had sworn in that he was going to ask me out until he learned that. Fast forward to 2 months before my ship date and he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He wrote me every single day while I was away at basic. We've been together for 3 years now.
Communication is the most important element in maintaining a healthy relationship and it sounds like you need to have serious discussions. It would only be fair for the both of you to hash it out now as opposed to later. Make your intentions clear and be understanding if it's something she can't handle.
Good luck.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - No...not all do. Unless you're including the couples who die of old age together.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - i wouldn't count them if they died within maybe a couple days of each other. but i can't imagine those happen that frequently...
If you do like her and want to be with her, let her know! LDRs are hard but most dont fail because of distance but because both parties dont know how to communicate well. My SO and I have been in an LDr for over two years now and we make it work because we want to be together. Keep in mind that distance is not for forever!
Sit down with her and talk to her -now- about it. Good luck!
Take it from someone involved with a military man... if you aren't both 100% committed to the idea... it won't work out. There's really no harm in trying, though, if you both want to.
Sit down and talk to her about it... ask her what she wants to do. There might be a definite answer there that prevents you having to agonize over all of this. ;)I agree with @TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "as for feeling like you've been together for months in just 3 weeks...i kind of get the impression that you're inexperienced (which is fine, everyone starts somewhere). just realize that you actually *don't* know her that well, and honeymoon phases are short-lived. "
However, if you are interested in trying to have a LDR, you need to talk to her about it. If you can't even express how you are feeling to her right now, how are you going to make things work when honest and open communication become key?
If it's going to end, why not enjoy it? If you two are happy together, just go with the flow and enjoy each other's company. =] And if you two decide to split in the end, then so be it.
I knew that my spouse of 35 years was "THE ONE" after 3 wks of dating. We married 8 months after we met.
Life is short. We never know what life will bring. It should be her decision whether she wants to wait for you or not, but LDRs CAN work if both are committed to the relationship.
Don't break off something which sounds as if it has so much potential.
Loving someone is never a bad thing. Keep on loving her for she will love you back.
Christy
I was in the exact same boat two years ago. My ex didn't want to get into a relationship in the first place because he knew it wouldn't have been fair to me knowing that he'd have to leave at the beginning of the summer for basic training (army). Regardless, we developed very strong feelings for each other and started officially dating. By the time the end of spring came around, we knew we had to make a decision of whether to try to make things work or not, because it IS a huge compromise. I was torn and upset about it over days. It was my good guy friend who put it all into perspective for me. He asked me whether I loved my boyfriend or not. And I said I did, wholeheartedly I did. And my friend responded with, "Well then, I think it's worth a try. I think it's worth fighting for." You need to ask yourself that. Are you and your girlfriend willing to fight to make this work? Because if not now, then it won't ever work. I believe with all my heart that long distance relationships are doable. Love does not depend on physical contact. I think if you are both willing to commit to one another and to put effort into the relationship, nothing can stand in your way. I hope that helped.
I say enjoy it and worry about the logistics later. Wouldn't you rather feel like you gave it a shot than wonder what could have happened? Good luck
just try and hope for the best. you never know! sounds like you're pretty realistic about what could happen, so just carpe diem and see what happens.
Long distance relationships usually don't end because of the distance. It ends because of lack of trust and all kinds of other shit. Distance doesn't matter. All it means is that you aren't physically together. Which means communication becomes very important. It means that you must get to know this person strictly by...well, actually getting to know them lmao. Sometimes LDR's make a relationship MUCH stronger. Especially military relationships. Absence often makes the heart grow stronger. All you have to rely on in LDR's is communication. Which is already extremely important...you can get to know someone quite well that way...when you ONLY are able to talk to them, nothing else. I say go for the long distance relationship. If you both are up for it, that is. After all, it's definitely not permanent and you WILL be together again. My husband and I went through several separations because of him being in the Army and it has made us so incredibly strong. This could be the start of the rest of your life, bud. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Don't purposely miss a chance by fearing it won't work out. Maybe I should throw in this quote "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." lmao. Did that help? Anyway. In LDR's, the stronger get stronger and the weaker get weaker. Good luck.
Why not just keep in touch with her as much as possible when you're gone, and see where it goes from there?
LDRs can work. My whole courtship/engagement was LDR, plus a year of marriage. But it seems a little soon to decide to be exclusive, I say, just keep calling her for now.Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. If you break up, though, it can only not work, and you'll never know if she really was the one. Just remember that.
So something similar to this happened to me with my current beau. I had just moved into town, and he was just moving out. When we met, he told me he had less than five months before he was leaving the country. About two months after we started developing feelings for each other. With another month left, we were tentatively seeing each other. With timing and with my history, I waited a really long time to start something.... then I just decided, 'eff it, date him for two months and then we can go our separate ways.'.
then three or four weeks after we admitted to being official, he was told he had to leave the country.
The agreement at the time was 'Okay, well let's not offically end this-- just keep it up and see where it goes while we're away. But if it long distance doesn't work, then no hard feelings.'
Since he is my current beau, it seems to have worked out. We were distant for about 4 months, maybe 5? then he decided that he would come back (for me) knowing full well that 7 months later, he would be returning to the states and I would be here. This will be our second time doing the distance thing again. and I love him a lot, almost as much as he loves me.
And all of that started with a short term dating.
If you really like her, and the relationship hasn't run its course yet, then why don't you try leaving it open to continuing, but prepared to part. I am a pretty firm believer that every relationship should try to do the long distance thing at least once, for a short time, to see how you and your other feels about eachother when chemical mixing is not involved. I know others disagree, but I think long distance is a big personal lesson on trust and faithfulness.
Maybe you've actually developed more feelings than she has... you said she knew you were leaving. If that's the case girls generally block themselves a bit. At least I do.
But you don't really know her. You don't see someone's true colors until a few months have passed. I say this because I've been there with the whirlwind romance. You think there is this great connection and you talk all the time...but you need to have a big disagreement or something to see how you two really feel.
I usually end up gagging and rolling my eyes a LOT when the subject of LDR comes up on Datingish.
I applaud (but do not envy) all the mature and romantic people who say that distance isn't an important factor, that it's about trust, communication, commitment and knowing someone out there loves you.
Personally, I find those aspects more common in a religion than in a SO relationship, but then I am shallow that way. I am one of those people who wants a companion not in spirit, but in reality. I want someone to go out with on the weekend, hold hands with over dinner, and bring me a fresh box of tissues when I am sick.
Yes, I HAVE been in LDRs...which is how I know these things. And yes I have been faithful, honest and all that other good stuff, but I'll be honest with you as well. They SUCK.
I pretty often ask myself what's the point. My first LDR was with the man I married, we were able to visit once a month and we had an end date is sight...our wedding. The LD part lasted a year.
My most recent LDR ends in a month...meaning that after 8 months apart. NO visits, we are going to move in together. When we parted it was uncertain whether we were going to try to keep things going since there was no clear end date. In the meantime I met someone who fell for me...but still remained true to my BF. Indeed, that was probably part of what cemented it for me that I really want to be with my BF. But a WHOLE lot of lonely has gone under the bridge.
I think whether or not LDRs work has more to do with the personalities of the individuals than anything else. Frankly I am shocked that I held out this long because I truly don't consider myself a LDR sort of person, nor do I recommend them to others. For the record, my husband and I only dated 10 weeks before I moved away from him, but we were married for 25 yrs...so it DOES happen!
Don't end it! Sit down and talk to her about it! I'm in an LDR!! I might not get to see him for 2 years, but I know he's the one. We are even planning to get married!! If she's the one, the wait it worth it!!
This is the sole reason why I cut off pursuing a Navy guy I had hit it off with really well a while back. :(
BUT that is just my own situation, not necesarily yours! Sometimes I do regret not continuing to develop deeper with the guy, because I feel my fear of inconsistency with him since he is a part of the Navy took over my possible experience of a great connection with a great person. So kudos to both of you disregarding everything and jumping into each other to expereince each others' love. :)Ask her if a LDR is something she'd want to try! I understand why you'd want to break up to salvage her feelings, but that is her decision to make, not yours. If you do that, she could end up being hurt that you never gave her a chance to make that kind of commitment with some she loves, which would come off very unfair to her. If that is something you would really want with this girl (if she is that special to you), then you gotta ask her if she feels the same way. You guys could end up being on the same page and depending on how strongly you both feel about each other, it could definitely work. Hard work, but it is very possible. :) (Make sure you feel like you can trust her enough too, and that you really know her well enough to truly believe tht if she agrees in a LDR, she wuld really keep her word to it. Reading as how you guys have not known each other for that long, I think it'd important to take that into consideration too.) Good luck to you and also thank you for serving our country :D
oh man,... these posts are good on here lately.
How long are you leaving her for? Jesus.... can't you guys meet up and discuss ways to make it work? Why is leaving for your job such an ultimatum? How is the navy any different from the marines when those guys leave? They come back and automatically get married!