This post was submitted by Lauren.
My boyfriend smokes cigarettes, and I hate it. It makes me really sad, and sometimes it's all I can think about. Crying or drinking heavily is usually the way I deal with it
—unhealthy, I know. I even tried smoking in front of him once to prove a point, but that didn't work either.
He knows how much it hurts me, but he's addicted so he does it anyway.
We've recently discussed moving in together. I told him I wanted him to at least try to quit before moving in. He said he is going to try quitting again (however, he said this BEFORE I told him that I was having reservations about us moving in because of his smoking). This is about the 10th time he's tried quitting since we've been together. I've tried to be supportive and help him each time, but whenever we fight he goes back to smoking, and I end up blaming myself.
He says he's quitting for himself this time, but was concerned about me wanting him to quit in order to move in with him. He wants me to be able to accept him even if he does smoke... and I do. I told him I love him no matter what. I just want what's best for him. I want to grow old with him, and it kills me to think that he could die young from his addiction.
If he doesn't quit, how can I deal with it emotionally? Or do I keep trying to help him quit?
Recommend
Comments (46)
Nicotine is one of the most addictive substance known so do not be surprise if he is never fully able to quit. I think a more realistic expectation is to find ways for him to smoke if he needs to without having to feel like he has to hide it from you out of shame. Cutting down consumption will slowly allow him to get to the point where he might be able to someday quit but to quit-cold turkey is probably not going to work.
I do see hope as he wants to quit for himself and not just to please someone else, that's a good first step.
You have to be serious about wanting him to quit. Just say this is serious that if you don't quit I will break up with you. And stick to your word and break up for real. Don't break up and then keep coming back to him. He won't take your words seriously.
I am a former smoker of 10 years. Haven't smoked in 4 years now. When I was on the market, smoking was just a deal breaker for me no matter how much I liked the guy.
If his smoking sends you into a sobbing puddle or pushes you into self destruction, it's time to look at yourself and ask if it's really just the smoking that's having such a profound effect on you.
It's hard to quit, that's not a justification for him to continue to smoke. He's gotta do it on his own. To be honest there may be things for your to figure out if your drinking to cope with his smoking.
lol. you knew this when you started dating him. don't act like you're all surprised that this was a completely viable outcome of that decision back then.
by the way, kesha espouses dying young, and she's a pretty reliable source on that kind of thing.
@Ticklelicious@xanga - That's a pretty fucked up and unfair thing to do if she entered into a relationship with him knowing he smokes. Personally, I'd quit if it meant the person I love would be with me so IDK.
On a bitter and ironic note "He knows how much it hurts me...". From what I'm told, you are responsible for your own happiness. His personal choices/what he does with his body shouldn't hurt you and you should accept him as he is. So... yeah OP; fuck you. At least you have the choice to be in a relationship with who you want.
You knew he smoked before you got together with him. Take him as a smoker or leave. He may quite at some point but it's not happening now by the sounds of it.
I smoked from age 16 to age 22. I quit cold turkey; never had a craving. Guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I never smoked in the house or car, when I did smoke. And was mostly just a social smoker (I mostly smoked when others smoked), so I guess I wasn't much a smoker to begin with. That said, the other person being a smoker might not be a deal breaker. Dunno/depends. But I'll say this, kissing a girl after she's just smoked... ~super~ nasty. It's like chewing on a clipped cig (if you know what this is, you'll know how nasty smelling and tasting they are). At minimum, she'll need to chew some gum or something if she wishes to kiss me afterwards.
I don't like talking to smokers after they've smoked. as long as the smoker doesn't smoke in front of me or close enough where I can smell the smoke, smokes outside of my home and is considerate, then I might not care if he smokes since he does it on his own time far away from me:D
my roommate smokes and I barely notice it. he rarely makes noise and even turns the tv volume down when he knows I'm sleeping unlike my past roommates. he doesn't bring noisy and annoying guests over. most of the time, I don't even know he's there. but that's because of opposite schedules. but no, I wouldn't move in with anyone, whom I can't stand. sometimes I can't even stand my bf but he doesn't smoke and we don't even live together; we're long distance. but we'll deal with it or I will deal. I wonder how he can stand me. I have a diva syndrome
I threw a tantrum yesterday and I'm currently not talking to him to calm myself down
I have emotions and I can get mad sometimes, too, ya know. I can't be happy all the time. so there! lol so you deal or don't deal. it is up to you if you're willing to tolerate whatever bad habits he has.
Why on earth would anyone date a smoker, much less an addict? It'd be like kissing an ash tray everytime.
"I told him I love him no matter what. I just want what's best for him. "
^ If you're trying to get him to quit then you really don't love and accept him unconditionally. So either 1) break up or 2) put up with him by eliminating all standards and requirements you have for a long term relationship.
I think that if he really wanted to quit, he would. Before my gf and I got together I told her there were two things I couldn't and wouldn't put up with and that had to immediately change. One of them was smoking. She quit within a few weeks, then relapsed. Then quit cold turkey about a week or two later. She'd been smoking for about 10 years so it was definitely a well developed habit and addiction.
My point.. is that if people really know what's on the line, like the whole relationship, then they will change or make serious steps and efforts. I literally will not date a smoker and she knows that :)
Best of luck with your discussions!
@nepenthium@xanga - "If you're trying to get him to quit then you really don't love and accept him unconditionally."
What a load of shit. You can love a person unconditionally and disapprove of their choices. If you can't that would mean you don't love the person unconditionally (seeing as your approval is a condition).
Nicotine is addicting but there are more powerful things in the world, like love, wanting your relationships, etc. I'm trying to make my mom quit for the sake of the baby (we all share the house). Granted she doesnt smoke inside but the fumes & ashes are on your clothes, skin, hair & that wont be good for him when he comes. I firmly believe all her & my grandpa's smoking gave me asthma since I'm the only one in the family who has it & they heavily smoked. Both my grandfathers did & died of smoking related illnesses.
Your overall health is more important so if he cant kick the habit, just be friends. I have friends who smoke but they're considerate & dont do it around me or others.
@isitreal_no@xanga - I definitely agree with you here.
OP, you knew going in that he smoked, and if you're being self-destructive about his choices, you clearly can't handle a relationship with him as he is. Either accept that he smokes or find someone else. Harsh, I know, but you're clearly not happy with him as he is now.
Get rid of him. There's no reason non-smokers should stoop to the level of dating stinky, smelly, wretched, disgusting smokers. Sorry, but that's exactly what they are.
It's hilarious that your way of coping with his "unhealthy" habit is by drinking heavily - alcoholism is a serious disease that pie die from, and people can die from alcohol poisoning, which is a result of drinking heavily.
I feel like you're making this all about you:
"He knows how much it hurts ME, but he does it anyway because he's addicted."
"He tries to quit, he fails, and *I* blame myself."
The guy needs a better way to deal with his everyday stresses (such as his girlfriend being a nag who hurts herself every time he fucks up. talk about pressure.)
Make him join the gym or something.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - yep.
Denis Leary said it best;
"We tried to be nice to you non smokers, but you just badger us, you won't leave us alone. You got all your little speeches, an you always give em to us too. All the little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or a pamphlet, and you store that little nugget in your head, then you see us light up, and you spew em out at us, don'tcha... I love these little facts. Well you know... smoking takes 10 years off your life....Well its the 10 worst years. isn't it folks. Its the ones at the end. Its the wheelchair, adult diaper, kidney dialysis years, you can have those years, we don't want 'em, alright?"
LOL if your biggest problem is the fact that he is a smoker... well you need to stop creating problems within your relationship.
Presumably you knew he was a smoker BEFORE you got with him. Either leave him alone about it or pick up the habit yourself. You can't force him to stop just because you want him to.
@nepenthium@xanga - It's better to be with someone who doesn't meet your standards but
wants to than someone who does meet your standards only to take your approval for granted because he/she has earned you.
Standards are counterproductive: If your love must first be earned that means until you give the person the love they've earned you owe it to them, and you can't complain when they act like it.
Like the people suggesting she give him an ultimatum (e.g. @Ticklelicious@xanga):
"Just say this is serious that if you don't quit I will break up with you."
And if he does quit? Then she (or rather, "the relationship" as idiots these days like to externalize things onto abstract ideas for lack of personal responsibility) is indebted to him and his actions.
Breaking up with someone because they won't do what you want is no better than sleeping with someone to get something you want.
I don't blame you for wanting him to quit, you care about him and obviously want him to be healthy. I actually had to do the same with my boyfriend, only he wasn't addicted so it was fine. My boyfriend has done the same with cocaine and heroin, though I asked him not to do them, he went behind my back countless times and did it anyway. I learned that I can't be with someone who does drugs, I tried but I can't and I'm glad I realized this before we got married like we talked about. If it's something you won't be able to get over, unfortunately you're going to have to find someone else because he won't change. I know it's easier said than done, but you shouldn't have to settle.
Good luck, xoxo.
You should stop trying to manipulate him into quitting smoking. It's his body and his choice. If you don't want to be with a smoker... don't be with a smoker.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - what i was going to say.
Sounds to me like you *can't* accept him as a smoker....and there's nothing wrong with that. I would advise against moving in with him if his smoking keeps you up at night drinking and crying.
You're dating a gross person. Tell him if he wants to continue being fucking disgusting, and can't find the willpower to stop being so fucking disgusting, you're going to dump him.
Smoking is expensive, disgusting, it ruins your health and everything you own. If he think that's too hard to walk away from, he's not worth it.