My boyfriend keeps talking about marriage and has been bringing up the topic of proposing in the future. He mentions that he's looking at rings and asks if there is a design I like. He's quite excited about the prospect of proposing, but a bit dismayed that I don't light up with giddy excitement.
He was homeschooled with his younger sister and female cousins by his mother, and grew up around (very feminine, traditional, and religious) females. His joy at the idea of the proposal and wedding is very akin to what I've heard little girls describe and daydream about.
I'm a giant tomboy (who is very frugal) and have generally been completely disinterested in that sort of thing. I never imagined getting married at all. I'm pretty impartial to the whole notion of the ring and the wedding. I do love my boyfriend and would marry him, I have always thought that spending money on an engagement ring and wedding is a massive waste. I know and realize that it means so much to him, so I'm trying to be a little more enthusiastic.
I seem to be failing at my endeavors though, because he still seems down that I'm not swooning over the prospective ring. In actuality, I feel a lot of anxiety about him spending too much money. He definitely understands that I wouldn't want him to do so, but at the same time I think he'd feel ashamed if people saw that he got me a cheap ring.
This has also prompted thoughts about whether we even should go down that path. Our financial values are very different. I come from a rather well off family, but both my mother and I were raised by my grandmother, who grew up in the Italian Depression. We are very money conscious, waste very little, and are mindful of our budgets.
My boyfriend on the other hand, comes from a modest-income family but is rampantly wasteful. It kills me a little inside when he leaves the water on when he brushes his teeth, that he leaves lights on, and that he wastes food constantly. He doesn't price compare, contemplate buying generic anything, or shop deals. He has definitely been making an effort since he sees that it unsettles me, but we're nowhere near aligned on our monetary (and environmental) values.
How can I learn to be more relaxed when it comes to money matters? Would you feel bad about your partner spending a lot on an engagement ring?
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Comments (29)
Seriously, if more women were like you when it came to engagement rings and finances, this world would be a MUCH better place.
You guys make a good couple because you need a partner that compliments you. I'm frugal and very budget oriented while my GF is a little more carefree about spending and enjoying life. She helps me enjoy the finer things in life and I help manage our future financial security. Team work =D
i feel like i read recently that financial disagreements are amongst the most common reasons for divorce. this is a disaster waiting to happen.
Every little issue you have with him will increase almost exponentially in annoyance when you sign a legal contract to be with him for the rest of your life. Think long and hard about it.
What @TheNotoriousGOD@xanga said.
We used my own ring as an engagement ring. I just moved it from the right hand to the left hand. lol
Yeah slow that boy down lol. He sounds sweet but also very naive. Does he even have a stable well paying career yet? Average income + wasteful habits = Below average marriage.
You're very right to be worry about money matters. That's the one thing not to get completely relaxed about (just don't let it control your life).
you should get one of those "before you marry" books with all the lists of questions on them. Then you can both answer seperately and discuss. I feel big value issues can definately be an issue, especially money-wise. Something to look into, making sure those things line up well enough is one of the insights into a good match.
you should let him get you a nice ring! i dont think anyone wishes they had a cheaper ring after having a nice one. just accept that he loves you a lot, and if you feel bad, remember that this is exactly what he wanted too
Don't feel bad, a ring's worth barely depreciates if it depreciates at all. It's a better value than a vehicle. We bought our truck in summer and it's probably depreciated by like 5 grand already for no real reason. Also, you have to wear it for the rest of your life, so in the grand scheme it's not much money at all.
My advice is don't think an engagement ring has to be an expensive diamond ring. You can have any stone or setting you want. If you really like diamonds, you can look into diamond simulants. Some of them are nearly as hard as real diamonds so you won't have to worry about chipping, but they are much, much cheaper. I wish I would have got a colored stone instead of thinking that my only option was a diamond. An opal ring would have been nice.
Spending money on a wedding is definitely a massive waste though, and there's really no way to ignore that. I wish I would have eloped, but for some reason people seemed really offended by the idea of us eloping. I guess they felt that us eloping was the same as us not inviting them. But they also complained about having to go to a wedding because everyone hates weddings. It made no sense. If I could do it all over again, I would have just got married in a court house and then had a bbq afterwards.
Spending money on a diamond ring IS a massive waste. Weddings too. It's the advertising of the diamond industry that made diamond engagement rings the norm. No legends, no history. Just DeBeers. They control the diamond market. They are the ones that have been in our ears telling us that good diamonds are rare. The markup is unbelievable. I have a giant amethyst engagement ring. A custom made wedding/engagement ring set cost $250 and it's more ME than anything you could possibly buy at Kay Jewelers. Why don't you mention the idea of a custom made set from gemstones rather than diamonds... and there are always white gemstones too. Etsy is a great place to look. If you type gemstone wedding set, tons of results pop up. If he is looking to you for guidance in ring selection, guide him frugally, not disdainfully.
He is is own person and if it brings him joy to buy you a beautiful ring, let him. He knows you, how you feel about money, however it's his moment and joy too! So if he decides to go all out, let him if it makes him happy. It doesn't directly affect your finances does it? Anyway. Aside from that, I feel you on weddings being a waste of money and on expensive rings. UGHH. A simple band would do. If I had a choice, I'd spend money on a honeymoon over a wedding any day!!!
Anyway, set aside your frugal ways if it makes him happy for this ONE occasion that he is choosing to have with you. It can't hurt.Yeah I'm a tightwad myself, and so I can relate with your anxiety. My immigrant grandparents grew up with next to nothing as well, and by saving money we are trying to show we are appreciative of what we have.
There's definitely a balance between living frugally within one's means, while still remembering that when we die all that money we saved can't come with us. Sure, perhaps all that $$ saved could be left behind for loved ones, but is that truly what we want our loved ones to remember us by? By how well we could save $0.15/lb of veggies, as opposed to by all these great, awesome life-experiences we had together?
Even if your boyfriend isn't usually big on researching things before he buys, I think for something as [potentially] expensive and symbolically important to him as engagement ring he's going to be doing his research this one time at least. After all, he asked for your opinion this time around.
But yes, sounds like you two have an important discussion in-store. Respect for each other's values/concerns is muy importante prior to living the rest of your lives together. <3
a ring isn't enough bling for my liking. I want a dress embellished with swarovski crystals that I saw at the store the other day
but I don't have to get married to get a dress like that. I'll buy it for myself...just because I feel like it
back to the question-I don't really want to get married. I love girly things, so I wouldn't really feel bad or insist that he return the ring if that's what he wants to give to me. if he's going to get mad or whine that he spent so much money, then just don't buy it. do what he genuinely wants to do. if he doesn't want to do it/buy it, then don't buy it and then blame me for it.
my hubby put a lot of time and effort into picking a ring for me.. and the love and thought behind the ring means more to me then dollar signs. We picked out our wedding bands together, My wedding band is a plain gold band.
We had a small wedding, and I wouldn't change it for a thing.
I'm with you for the ring part. And being impartial about the wedding. I think I may have insulted him when I said I really don't want to plan one.
As tradition goes (and I had to look this up) I would feel REALLY awkward toting around two months of my boyfriend's salary on my hand. Especially since I have a bit of a problem with loosing things in general. My parents have stopped wearing their wedding/engagement rings, and my mom only puts them on for special occasions. (my dad had an accident and now his fingers don't fit in the wedding band)
But I like the sentiment. and hope that if I do get a ring, it will be very simple. Or nerdy. I can go for a nerdy ring.
My first piece of advice comes with the ring; look around with him, and check out bands with little stones instead of a big stone coming out of the middle. I'm a tomboy like you, and I can't wear anything with a big stone, because it constantly gets dirty or stuck on things when I'm working outside. Plus it's a bit of a safety hazard if you're sporty.
As far as the wedding, if he wants a fairly elegant one, go for it. I feel like so many guys give into the demands of their woman when it comes to the wedding, that some of us will probably have to return the favor. But I definitely say go for it. My brother married a girl who didn't want a big wedding, so they eloped at town hall. He secretly regrets it. You don't have to go absolutely extravagant. I like seeing that weddings are still a big deal for some people. My parents will pull out the wedding pictures every now and again and reminisce, it's really sweet. I don't believe what people say, that it's a one day thing.. I feel like it's the beginning of a beautiful journey, and it is special. And I don't believe it has to be expensive. My dream wedding is pretty expensive, but the one I'll probably settle for is much cheaper and still just as beautiful. It's all about what you make of it. If you have to decorate your backyard and get married there, there's nothing wrong with that.
Anyway, good luck and just remember to enjoy every step. This should be an exciting time for you, because even if the materialistic aspects don't appeal to you, you're about to make a commitment to someone you're deeply in love with.. that should be enough to get you excited. =]
@MomWithoutaMinivan@xanga - I'm 100% with you there! I'd love a beautiful ruby or sapphire.. screw diamonds, I can't say I understand the appeal.
Think about whether you really want to marry him. It's obvious to me that you believe your way of doing things is superior to his. That's fine; it's good to be careful with money, but it doesn't bode well for a marriage.
@monkeytreehugger@xanga - "when we die all that money we saved can't come with us" <--that was perfect! A conversation I had with my mom about money once comes to mind. I think I asked why we lived in an apartment and I had to share a room or something. She pointed out that we save money on some things--like housing, eating out, other simple pleasures, so we can do things that matter and that we all truly enjoy--like roadtrips, or visiting extended family abroad. Also so we don't have to scrimp on big important purchases--so we can get the new, reliable car or computer or TV we truly like. Essentially, her lesson was to be frugal FOR something, not to just amass money in the bank. I think that's important.
@OP: even if you get engaged, wait before getting married to see if your money habits grow together or apart. He shouldn't be changing his choices just because he knows it bothers you; that breeds resentment. It should be a change born of the realization that frugality is a positive thing. You, on the other hand, ought to meet him halfway and decide whether his happiness means more to you than some amount of money or not. Living together, you have clearly stuck with each dealing with money their own way, but as a married couple and a family you will need to find a way to make major decisions together; this is only the first of many. Will you ever bring him around entirely? Unlikely. My dad is still much more spendy than my mom (if he cooks, gourmet ingredients, etc)...but they have found a way to make it work, and you'll have to as well.
@galliver@xanga - "when we die all that money we saved can't come with us"
"When we die the money we can’t keep
But we probably spend it all cause the pain ain’t cheap: preach"
http://youtu.be/LqMp9irMU70
"even if you get engaged, wait before getting married to see if your money habits grow together or apart."
You should know your partner's habits and your own complement each other long before that point in a relationship. Questioning compatibility at that point is in itself a habit that is detrimental to a relationship.
Red flag warnings.. better talk about what you see as wasteful BEFORE marriage or I see many fights centered on this for the both of you.
You are a bit extreme.. He is a bit lax.. There's gotta be a compromise in there somewhere.
Best of luck.
I also hate wealth. It makes me nervous.
I try to stay in my trashcan, but I really like sushi. It always sets off all my keywords.
I grew up between my mom and my dad. My mom didn't have a lot and my dad was decently well-off and very wasteful. I always seem to be proving that I don't want anything.
The place I grew up was like that. It was like they had to suffer to be good, and it's very hard to break away from that stupid ideology. It's designed to keep us down. Only the good liars make it out and then separate from us. I'm sure you know what that ideology is. Good luck getting away from it.
Part of the problem is that people are really jealous of my stuff. I can have nothing. They will box the living daylights out of me and take everything. It's like, if you wouldn't take everything from me, I wouldn't be desperate and pathologically jealous of very simple things. I've got one person in my life who is trying to spread me to the heavens, and he's about to get out my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prxr43n0P2M note how she says it doesn't matter after everything else she's said. Most of them are like that.
You and I can be flipped, which is a trick. What they do makes us spiritual a lot of times. They can rip that apart. You will respond to the keywords in opposites. Like if someone says, "gold," you'll think that it means death or something else negative.
I hate the tricks. I was happy in my hallucination before.
@greatredwoman@xanga - we'll fight until the death.
I just want to say I think it's great that you're trying to be more enthusiastic about the wedding to make him happier and he's trying to be more frugal to make you happier. Sounds like you two will make a great couple and be happy.
About getting married, I feel like waiting a little bit (as short as a year) can really help a lot in terms of getting your feet under you financially, and at that point your options will be a lot better because you'll be starting in a much better situation.