My ex dumped me about a month ago, a relationship in which she cheated. We had our ups & downs like most couples, but this one really hurt. She studies abroad and the last time I went to visit her, things were great. She was sick, but I took care of her, cleaned her apartment, washed her clothes, stuff like that. I had asked her if there was anyone else she could be with and she mentioned one guy, but said I had nothing to worry about because he's in another country.
Well, everything was great for about three months including when she came back home for vacation, which was amazing. However, she then finds out that one guy is here. He asked her to go out in the night and she asked me what I thought; I told her I didn't like it. She kissed me and said, "It’s okay, that's why I love you."
When he was leaving to go back to his country, he asked her to come over and she said yes. We went out that morning, and she broke the news that she cheated on me with him. She said all they did was make out and that he left a hickey on her neck, but she insisted that he was a nice guy. She was very heartbroken so I comforted her, forgave her in less than 5 mins, hugged her and kissed her. I took the week off from work to spend with her. We went out for the week I came over and so on.
When I was there, I wanted to show her that I could still be intimate with her so we slept together. However, just before we got started, she told that there was another hickey on her, this time on her breast, but she said that he bit her through her clothes and nothing else happened. During that week, I told her that it was unfair to me that she was still talking to the guy and she had to choose.
I got pounded because she said that she would never ask me to choose between a friend and herself. She said that she needed space and when she goes back to study, to give her some space as well. So she went back and everything changed. She started treating me like crap telling me that the guy is nice, has a good heart and has been telling her that he has been in love with her for two years.
It got so bad to the point where she told me that technically, she didn't cheat on me, and her heart wasn't in the relationship. She said if that's what I need to tell myself to sleep better at night, go ahead. So I would buy her roses, massage her, talk to her, never cheat on her and was always there for her except for personal time when I was going through some stuff of my own.
Her parents and family love me because they know I treated her like a princess & a goddess. So while over there, she told me she was breaking up with me because after six years of being together, I didn't consider her feelings.
She needed space for that week & I pushed myself up on her. So when it ended, I tried to reach out a hand and said, "If you ever need anything, I'm here," but she told me she has real friends and I'm the last person in the world she will call. We stopped talking but she's still talking with the other guy. My friend knows the guy. She said he's a womanizer and a real player. He dated her and cheated on her from all angles.
I'm really lost right now.
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Comments (70)
She seems like a manipulative liar and I highly doubt she feels bad at all. But that isn't all women. Sounds like the guy she cheated on you with is just like her. Don't let this experience get the idea engrained in your head that nice guys finish last. I think nice guys just end up getting together with bad girls because they're too nice to think bad things about the girl even when red flags are popping up everywhere.
Use a little critical thinking skills with your women and you will be able to weed out the bad ones. Ie: the bite mark on her breast and hickey...definitely red flags.
Sorry, but friends do not leave random hickeys on someone they know has a partner. You do not need her after all that she did and try to justify saying it wasn't cheating.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - I agree. She sounds extremely manipulative and selfish. She took advantage of you and your kindness. She probably doesn't care and she may never feel bad about it. Not all women will treat you this way.
I hate only getting to hear one side of these kinds of things.
From your story, there are very obvious signs of how much she is unsuited for what seems to be your wholesome personality. And if you allowed yourself to settle for someone like her, well then, you get what you pay for. It's not so much that nice guys finish last, but that they don't leave first when they should, when they deserve someone better but settle for less. Maybe because they're nice, maybe for other reasons, that depends on the individual.
Don't waste your efforts on someone who won't do the same for you. It's not a matter of whether you're a nice guy or not. It applies to everyone.
sounds like you're being manipulated. better off without her.
I'm going to tell you, in six simple words why isn't around anymore and doesn't want to be with you.
"Because I want what I want".That's it. Nothing else.
Next time... don't settle for a scumbag just because you have feelings for you.
If someone's cheated on you and wants you to suck it up while she continues her relationship with that person... tell 'em to kick rocks and find someone who deserves and appreciates you.
I disagree with @raspbxrrryjam@xanga.
If you are responsible for your own happiness and if your feelings or actions shouldn't be the direct result of her choices then you should continue as you were. Don't find someone else just because she did. If she is entitled to who or what she wants so are you.
@SlackerSociety@xanga - Do you think a person wanting what they want is sound reasoning or justification for hurtful behavior?
I like stallions with an attitude just like me
if I was in the situation, I wouldn't forgive the person so quickly just because the person is crying or whatever else. I have to see the person suffer some consequences before I'll consider it. Consider is the key word. It doesn't mean I'll forgive.
I think it was great that you immediately forgave her, but I also think that it shouldn't come without talking and figuring out what happened and why it happened in the first place. It sounds like what she did was question her long-standing comfort with a short-term burst of romance. We've all done it at one point or another, but the reality is that we should be checking our impulses at the door when it comes to long-term relationships (unless, of course, your relationship is somehow built on impulsiveness).
You can't control her or make her see how much you love her. You can't force her to understand how you feel. You can't force yourself to understand how she feels. Ultimately, while you came together to become one couple for a long time, you were and are two separate people with two separate world views.
Perhaps what she craves is the intensity of her new relationship. Who knows? The reality is, she left, so what are you going to do now?
@Mangonese@xanga - You make a lot of sense. But honestly I don't know. I am awaiting the results of my blood test and then I will decide even though that might complicate things. I don't think its the thrill of a new relationship, she had said that she wants other people to find her attractive and not just me. Its not the firs time she cheated, she cheated on me once before in a club. But I always tired my best to make her feel special but she said that am her bf and am obligated to say that. I really do not know what to do.
I have begun to move on and I am doing better, it just hurts like a bitch what she did and the way she treated me in the end.I was in the same boat you were in.., being used and manipulated.., it sucks and it Hurts!!!!
Judging by this post, it was over for her before she cheated.
It sounds like she was just afraid of being alone, wanted someone to take care of her and give her attention when she needed it, and was trying to figure out the best way to end it with you once things were panning out with this other guy.
Unfortunately, I think that the nice guy gets stuck in relationships with women who need security.
She was walking all over you and, I hate to put it this way- you were letting her.
So she does it all the time now, because that's what she expects. PROTIP: Everyone needs someone to keep them in line even just a little bit. You were not at all.I have dated genuinely nice guys, but they knew where to draw the line. You need to decide where your line is drawn with her, what you're willing to take from her and what you are not going to put up with.Or honestly, just find a better girl. Seriously.
@Richard2020 - A suggestion - don't pay attention to what your female SO says so much as you pay attention to her behavior. In these situations, the vast majority of stuff women say is obfuscating bullshit meant to misdirect a guy, because they know they have the inside track on manipulating him.
She's clearly drawn to the intensity of that other relationship. My guess is that there might be the control issue, as a lot of women love the challenge of taming a wayward, womanizing kind of dude. There is a significant social value derived from successfully taming a guy like that, which is part of why a lot of women are not attracted to the "nice" guys and prefer the "bad" boys. If they can tame a womanizer it tells other women, "look, my charms and sexuality were strong enough to win over this difficult, womanizing guy, what are YOURS doing?" That, of course, is in addition to all the other attraction factors that the bad boys exude, but it's a major one.
Another suggestion - never, ever give an SO the benefit of the doubt the way you did. It's great to forgive, but always do it with your eyes open and always hold your SO to the same relationship standards you would hold yourself. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she deserves any pity or lax treatment for being one.
Lastly, women like this do not deserve a second glance. Throw her out of your life and do not look back.
thats the thing. It wasn't. There was no signs, nothing. She went to a club one night with her friends while the guy was in Trinidad and then the next day she tells me she's not happy and I was totally confused because everything was great. Even her parents were confused and asked me if there was something else going on that we weren't saying. @tears_foraffairs@xanga -
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - Every time I tired o put my foot down on something she would get angry and say something to counter it till she got her way
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - "She was walking all over you and, I hate to put it this way- you were letting her. "
This is the excuse a lot of women use to justify their infidelity. "I did it, yeah... but YOU LET ME!"
What, are they completely incapable of self-control?
1. She's awful and you're better off without her.
2. Be sure to get yourself checked, possibly more than once, after being "intimate" with her. Different STI's take varying amounts of time to show a positive test.3. To answer the title of this post, I will say yes. I had a wonderful boyfriend who I loved very much. He lived in another state and our relationship had always been long distance. I lied to him and cheated on him. I got up the nerve to tell him, and that moment ended our 4 year relationship. I felt like an awful human being and hated myself. It's been over 4 years since things ended (when I was 18). I never saw or spoke with him again, as he wanted nothing to do with me. I have tortured myself for years with guilt and regret. The guys I dated after him all cheated on me, and some were physically abusive. After what I did, I came to accept that I deserved to be treated poorly for what I had done. I am learning to forgive myself, and my current partner generally treats me very well (with the exception of an instance of lying/emotional cheating). I definitely regret forfeiting my first nice guy. I appreciate everything my partner does for me, and try to be an equally loving and caring partner. I guess I learned my lesson at least.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Not at all. I'm not saying that because he "let" her cheat, it was okay. I'm saying that because he decided he wasn't going to do anything about it, he was still with a cheating woman. If she had done that to me, I wouldn't have put up with it. I would have been done with her. End of story.
I'm not saying it was okay, or that it made it right for her to do, at all. I'm saying he put up with it because he chose to put up with it, instead of leave or make harsher demands.
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - Ah okay, that makes more sense.
@Richard2020 - Well, I hope you start to feel better soon. You sound like you were really trying, but even that won't always convince the other person to stay. Sometimes we try so hard that we forget to look our for ourselves in the process and kind of get trampled along the way emotionally.
Best of wishes, and I hope you have a better 2013 as the year progresses.
@Mangonese@xanga - sigh.... Well my pastor told me I did nothing wrong and I gave her way more consideration that most would have so don't feel guilty. She wasn't right for me. Knowing that the guy is aplyer and that he's just gonna use her I guess I still wanted to help her. Even after everything she did to me I wouldn't want to see anything bad happen to her or for her to go through what I am going through. But I guess its like she said, " its her life not our life and she wants to live it and make the mistakes."
@Richard2020 - Yeah, that's what I was getting at though- it sounds like it was over for HER. It's unlikely she would express her doubts to you when they were first occuring (which is why it came out of nowhere for you). She had probably been thinking about it for a little while.
My best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend of 11 years (together from 13-24, taking only one break during that time). To her boyfriend, it came out of left field, but as her best friend I know she had been thinking about it for over a year before pulling the trigger. I wouldn't never compare her boyfriend to the stereotypical "nice" guy, but she admittedly remained in the relationship because it was easy for her.
I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it probably wasn't as random and as out-of-nowhere as you think it was.