Friday, 01 February 2013
-
Not "Wife Material"
In a recent conversation I had with a friend, she revealed to me that my ex felt the need to tell a mutual colleague of ours that the reason we were no longer together was because he was "in a point in his life where he was looking for a wife." When she told me this, I felt my heart break into a million more pieces. I was so angry... angry that he did not think I was "wife material," angry that he washed his dirty laundry out in public, angry that he never once told me he felt this way, but mostly angry at myself for believing that we had a future together.
In that moment, I wanted to call him out and give him my two cents. It's a good thing I didn't, because I probably would regret it.I've had a week to soak it in and he's wrong; I was a damn good girlfriend and I would have been a damn good wife.
And then I realized, I'm glad we're not together because the truth is, I don't want to have to fill this role that he has imagined for his wife. The day I marry someone, the day someone becomes my husband, it's not because he has met the qualification of "husband material," it will be because he is the person I want to share the rest of my life with. It will be because he brings happiness to me, it will be because he understands and supports me in everything I do, and it will be because he is my best friend and I couldn't imagine a life without him.
Have you ever been told directly or indirectly that you weren't wife or husband material? Have you left someone for those reasons?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: TheUglyTruth
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 15 Views: 0 48971 Comments: 0 904 View all posts by TheUglyTruth
Comments (29)
Good for you!
A person can lack what they are looking for, but a person cannot lack qualities.
I've been told by more than one man that I was too sexy to be a wife. I forced one to explain what the hell that means and he said, "I'm a happily married man but I want to sleep with you. I don't want other men to want to sleep with my wife. I'd be afraid you'd say yes." Really annoying to be reduced to a sex object like that.
as one on the backside of two marriages, all i can say is that you're better off discovering you're not his idea of "wife material" now than later.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - that's just all kinds of messed up. they weren't wrong about you being pretty, though.
I really hope you didn't take his words to heart too much. somebody that says something like that isn't marriage material to begin with. besides, it is up to us as individuals to figure out what we personally want out of a husband or a wife, so to even tell someone something like is just ignorant and stupid. he probably just said that to get out of making himself look bad. he wanted to put the blame on someone else, and you were the easiest target. you may not have been right for him, but you will be for someone else. don't forget that.
@Cares2theWind - I agree. It would suck more to form a deeper relationship with him, get married, and then for him to decide you aren't what he really wanted in a wife.
and I also say so what? How can he be wrong about how he feels? He didn't think you were wife material for him. He didn't say you wouldn't make good wife material for some other man.
Prior to my husband, MOST of the men I was involved with weren't look for marriage and neither was I. The ones that were, I usually had to tell them that in no way shape or form would I be a good wife for them. I got called a bitch and all kinds of other things because of it, but I can promise you that if I was dumb enough to get married to them, they would have called me worse.
I have not been in that situation before but I can see how it would be upsetting to you. Good for you for realizing that it was not anything you could have changed--you don't want to be in that position of needing to fit in a particular mold he has for his wife. When you meet the right person, he will want to marry you because he loves you so much that he can't bear to not want to grow old with you. And he'll still want to marry you even if the circumstance is not perfect. Even if it means you will be wearing a potato sack dress in the backyard.
it sounds like you are better off without him. "Not wife material" could very well just mean that he didn't see himself married to you. You could be wonderful wife material for the guy you are meant to be with.. I wouldn't hold too tight to his words.
I was told by one of my old roomies that i was "impossible to live with".. well, 8yrs later my hubby has no complaints!
It was inappropriate for him to say that in public, especially to a mutual acquaintance. But I don't think the content of what he said was actually all that bad. He didn't ever say that you weren't "wife material" -- he said that he wanted to get married, and not to you. Very different things. I think it's very possible to be happy in a relationship, and to have everything going well, but some part of you knows that it's just not your forever-relationship. It's not that you didn't make him enough sandwiches, or coo about enough babies -- he just didn't like you enough, which is the case with most breakups. It hurts, but it's not a reflection on the quality of your "material."
He didn't say "not wife material", he said that he was looking for a wife. So you weren't the one he wants to settle down with- could have been compatibility issues, spirituality issues, etc. You make it sound like he said you didn't cook well enough, when really, he just said that he doesn't want to waste time with someone that he doesn't want to marry.
Isn't that why most people break up?
I used to worry about not being "wife material" for awhile, then I stopped giving a crap about what other people consider "wife material". There is no such thing. You are who you are and your ex is who he is. So you're different people. It doesn't sound like you got too hung up on it (or at least, that you've now moved on), but it's not like you could have been anything else but what you are, and someone is going to think that you'd make an excellent wife/partner/ whatever you end up being.
I think you're taking this way out of context. He NEVER said you weren't "wife material", just that he didn't want to marry you, and they're two very different things. I never wanted to marry any of my ex's, that doesn't mean they won't make some other woman very happy, they're just not for me.
@Love_in_102@xanga - Thanks.
As others have said, you are taking this out of context probably because you are sad about the breakup. I think you know that in your heart of hearts already. He did not want a long term commitment to you. Just like all people who break up with their bf/GF. He already let you know you weren't wife material in his eyes when he stopped dating you and only used you as a booty call. You are now hanging onto this recent comment as a way to keep yourself engaged in this relationship and to have an excuse to be upset at him all over again and possibly call him up or see him to yell at him.
You are old enough to know better. You need to do whatever you can to completely remove him from your life. You are hot and that is important. There are many guys out there who will cherish and love you. Stop pining over the wrong guy and move on. Time is a horrible enemy to you. You don't want to look back on this 5 years from now in your 30's and wish you hadn't wasted precious time.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - That really is horrible. You'd think they'd be proud to have someone as attractive as you are by their side...physically, spiritually, or in whatever other aspects. But truthfully, if they couldn't trust you to say no to some other jackass who offered you a quickie, maybe you're still looking for the right one to come along, right? Sorry, you're probably not looking for me to tell you all of this but I was really surprised that people would say something like that to you. I hope the right person has already come along for you, and if they havent, that they come along soon.
As far as the OP goes, I've never been told that but I imagine it's actually a good thing you broke up considering now he'll find someone he can be happy and SO CAN YOU. Don't waste your time with someone who didn't think you were compatible. Instead, spend time finding someone you can be compatible with.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I'm sorry those boys (clearly not men) were so objectifying of you. I know they tried to phrase it nicely by saying you were too much of a "good thing" - but to say that to you, and then add they're too afraid to marry you for fear that you'd go out on them because "you could" is ridiculous. That's distrustful and immature. A man - man mind you - will cherish you for the gifts and beauty you were given. And will want to cherish you in every way, because he wants to and wants to make you feel special. If he's worried about you finding someone else; a man will step up and choose to reat you how you deserve to be treated by a husband - so you both will mutually work to stay together. And he'll trust you, to love and be comitted to him.
I'm glad you didn't end up with any of those boys. You are a beautiful woman; and you deserve far better than that.
Maybe there are reasons. Maybe there are other reasons.
Its over. There isn't anything to gain playing victim/blame and pouting.
@xcrownedhopeless - Hi, thanks! At the time, I was in the Navy and married, so some of them meant it also as if I should be single so they could have sex with me.
@GodhelpED@xanga - Oh, I was married at the time and not trying to date/ sleep with any of them. Nobody likes to be told they aren't marriagable for any reason even if it slightly positive.
Being currently married to a man who just told me minutes ago that I'm not wife OR mother material, I imagine that you have dodged a bullet. You should be angry at him, but also thankful that you knew early on that you weren't his "imagined" wife.
I'm a wife that doesn't eat, speak, look, or behave the way my husband wants me to. Unfortunately I'm not Martha Stewart nor a robot. Best wishes to you...I'm still certain you dodged a bullet!he wanted a stepford wife. good thing you broke up! :)
I understand why you'd feel offended, but I don't think he meant that you weren't "wife material". I think it's more like, he took a step back and looked at all the things you had in common vs your opposite interests, and decided that years down the line he might not want to be married to you. It's a big decision deciding you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Better to do that now than a possible divorce, probably with kids involved, later on. I wouldn't take it too personally, because that will only hurt your self esteem, and instead put him out of your mind; he doesn't deserve to be there, anyway.
You're not what he wants in a wife, that's all. It's a good thing that you found out sooner, rather than later.
Also, just remember how important communication is between couples. :)
I've been told by a close friend that she doesn't think I'd be a good father, yet if you ask other friends of mine, they say I'd be a great father and a very good teacher. I'm just not what that close friend defines as a good father (she's had a couple affairs while she was in her first marriage, been divorced, and is now remarried to a millionaire who gave her a $250k engagement ring).
Well done!