This post was submitted by Louise.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months. He is 25 and I am 21. He has a history of alcoholism and drug use, but he has been sober for five years and is doing really, really well. Unfortunately, his mom is also an alcoholic, and she's not doing well. She got sober about six months ago (before I met him), but she didn't get involved in support groups, etc. My boyfriend was worried about her because of this, and because he knew that support groups and AA were really instrumental in his own recovery.
Two days ago, his mom's boyfriend of eight years broke up with her. Yesterday, she relapsed. My boyfriend told me this last night when I called him just to chat. He's obviously devastated, but is also angry with his mom and confused about what to do.
I don't have any experience with how to help someone in his situation, so I didn't know what to say to him. I obviously said I was really sorry that this happened and acknowledged that the situation is really tough, but other than that, I was lost. It seemed like my boyfriend was waiting for me to say something else - to comfort him, or something - but I didn't know how. I really don't want to minimize the situation by saying something like, "Don't worry, it will all work out," because there's a good chance that it won't work out, that his mom won't get better, and that she'll die from her alcoholism.
How do I handle this? We're both super busy, so we only hang out a few times a week and just talk on the phone the other days.
Do I just sit there and listen? Do I try to offer some comfort? Do I talk about other stuff going on in my life as a sort of distraction? I just want to let him know that I care and that I'm here for him if he wants me.
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I usually listen, sit there as long as they need, offer hugs and a physical presence, say reassuring things if there is something I can say, and ask if there is any way that I can help. Sometimes it can be helpful just to do small things to make their life easier like take them out to dinner or a movie or put on some music or make cookies or something. I think the biggest thing you can do is just be there. You can't fix their problems for them and sometimes trying to make it better isn't the thing to do.
It's really rough when you're with someone who has a history of drug/alcohol dependence, but it's a double whammy when their relatives have a history of it as well. Like the first commenter said, be their support. Encourage him to be there for his mom. I'm sure he's mad but anger probably won't help his mom right now. Maybe he can try to talk to her about support groups, individualized therapy if it's an option, or atleast finding a sponsor who isn't him. I think the most crucial part of this is finding his mom some support outside of her family (they're important too though) to lessen the burden on your SO. As far as your relationship is concerned though, I think the best you can do is be a listening ear anytime he wants to talk. Tell him you understand if you do, and if you don't, ask him to explain how he's feeling. Getting through this together is definitely going to bring you closer and show you alot about each other. Stick with him and MOST importantly, remind him that HIS sobriety is important too and ask him about it once in awhile. He could very easily start craving because of his mom's relapse being a stresser.
As another person who has not actually been there, I'd probably go with "I really don't know what to say but I'll gladly listen if you need to talk." And if he doesn't want to talk, sometimes just sitting quiet together and being close can be helpful.
you can't and aren't expected to fix anything, including his feelings. Listen and be kind to him, if he's in 12 step THOSE are the people to be talking about his mom's relapse with. His sponsor, etc, can offer a different sort of support and understanding that will be welcome at this time.
I definitely know where you're coming from here. My boyfriend is going through a rough time right now because one of his close family members is unfortunately losing her battle with cancer.
My best advice in any situation like this would just be to always keep your line of communication open. There may be times when your boyfriend wants to be alone, and there may be other times when he wants you to be with him. Just tell him to always let you know what he wants you to do to help him through this tough situation. If he wants to talk about how he is feeling, just listen. You don't have to give him advice - after all, chances are more likely than not that you don't know exactly how he feels, since you most likely (and very fortunately) have never had to endure this particular situation with your own mother.
Even if you don't feel you have any advice or encouraging words for him, your boyfriend may find simply talking about this situation with you to be therapeutic. You are really doing him a huge favor just by listening.
Also, never feel offended if he asks to be alone at times; that's just how some people handle grief.
Good luck!
My suggestion is that he does what he would normally do when he feels like he wants a drink/drugs. If the support groups (AA/NA) help him then he should talk with his sponsor and go to meetings. You can be there to be along side him as he goes through this. It is important to remember that when someone is a recovering from an addiction, it is not a question of if the person will relapse, it is a question of when. We normally think that once a person is in AA/NA and has quit the use of alcohol or drugs or whatever the addiction is, that they are clean and will never touch it again. The model for recovery includes relapse and then more recovery. As his gf, just being understanding is important and being there as well. I would not be surprised if he is feeling like he might be abandoned by you.
People who have addictions are never cured, and struggle with the addiction their entire life. As a significant other and wanting to be with him, have to understand it and try to help him through everything, even if he were to relapse.
He is frustrated with his mom because she just got sober, but within the first 6 months usually someone will relapse again, it is not uncommon. The use of support groups may work for him, but his mother may not like that, or it may not be what she needs.
Families have a hard time with addictions because there is a lot more with the family systems dynamic. He should try to be there for her, but if he is being triggered by her drinking or relapse, he may need to stay away until he is stronger. Additionally, private therapy or group therapy can help in a time like this.
Finally, if he found a Family Support AA, where family members who have addicts/recovering addicts go and share their feelings and such will be helpful because he can have support from others who have gone through this, even though it might be a different feelings/actions, he can have other support.
I hope this helps.
He should find and get involved with the Family Support groups for AA (I cannot for the life of me remember the name).
It sounds to me like you are already doing some good things, you are listening to him. Rather then looking for a fix, or a way to help, keep doing just what you are doing. Also make sure you tell him that if there is something he needs you to do, or something specific you can do to help, then he can tell you any time. Silent support (aka just being physically there) is often the best support.
*hugs* Sometimes, the best support you can offer is a hug & a listening ear. Sounds like you're validating him and not trivializing it, so that's great! I hope someone has some amazing advice for you... But for now, you're doing the best you can. Simply let him know you're there for him. Be a good ear, and offer encouragement in any way you know how... Examples: if he enjoys coffee, simply take him out for a cup of coffee one day. You don't need encouragement to be problem specific. :) Sometimes, that's the way I'm most encouraged... By people taking time out of their schedule just for me. :) It all depends on him as an individual. Think about what he likes, and try to speak to that. Remind him of the brighter side of life. I know that dealing with alcoholism, people tend to focus too often on just the negatives.
Best wishes,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
Dump him and move on, slutterbutt.
I'm assuming a person in his situation isn't expecting you to have all the answers, they just want your support, whether that be listening, space, comforting, etc. Just be what he needs you to be right now, only he can show/tell you what that is. Good luck.
Unless you have walked in his shoes, you probably don't really understand what he went through/is going through, so I would just listen and try to understand.
There isn't anything you can do to change his situation but to be his girlfriend; don't bring anything up though, let him come to you if he wants to talk.
I would just listen and offer words of comfort that are more like "I'll be here for you" or "let me know what kind of support you need from me and you've got it" than "oh, don't worry.. it'll get better". The last one is the shittiest thing you can hear, because you can't help but think, "Yea.. but what if it doesn't?" and that can almost cause a kind of resentment toward that sentiment, which would end up being geared toward you. He might not even want to talk about it with you because you can't understand on the same level as his support group, sponsor, etc. And in that case, try to distract him. Bring home chinese food and a couple good comedies, or watch South Park on Netflix, or take him out to a romantic dinner. Show him that life is still good, even if it sucks at the moment.
It sounds to me as though you're on the right track.
All you can really do is be open and honest. Let him know that you don't entirely know what to say, but that you are there for him if he needs to talk, vent, or anything of that nature.
Good luck
My boyfriend's going through a rough time, but for a different reason completely.
Don't force him to talk/vent. Don't try to push him talking to a therapist/support group unless he brings it up.If he needs some space, let him have some space. He knows you're there for him and he'll come to you when he's ready.I hope things turn around.