Friday, 25 January 2013
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In Love with an Over-Worked Guy and Losing Patience
I started dating this guy back in May. Background: he was my instructor, PhD student, 11 years older. I wasn't looking for anyone, but I met him and everything felt right. We were friends first for 4 months because we weren't allowed to date. We'd talk alone for hours after the class period was over, and I was just so happy to be with him.
I decided to do something about it after the class final, because I never felt such a connection with anyone. We saw each other as often as our schedules allowed during the summer because he was doing research abroad and I had summer school at home. I may have over-flirted a bit because everyone he knows is friendly with him, and I wanted to distinguish myself as girlfriend material.On the third date, lines were crossed, and we ended up at my place. I thought we'd just hang out and then he'd go home, because my last two guys were virgins like me, and those relationships moved at a slower pace. He made a move on me, and I freaked. The thing is, I have never before desired someone as much as I desired him and still do now, but I told him that we were moving too fast and I wanted to get to know him first. I held out because I thought there would be another chance for us, and I wanted this to move beyond causal into an actual relationship (still haven't said this).
He was shocked, felt bad about it, and kept asking if I was okay. I even told him, CLEARLY, that I was VERY interested in him so he WOULDN'T misinterpret it. I never actually told him I'm a virgin, and I don't know if he knows for sure. He was really mature and respectful about it (and he should be; he's in his 30's). We made out (first kiss by the way), and then he left. I went home the next day (I live in Chicago, and we met in Minneapolis).I gave it a week just to avoid embarrassment, and we continued communicating as if nothing had happened. He still was enthusiastic about spending time with me. He took me out for dinner on my birthday a month later, still dressed nicely, didn't make any effort to cut the date short, made sure we went where I wanted to go, and ordered something vegetarian just because I did, and we went to a nice outdoor cafe for drinks after for a total of 6 hours together. I worry that I may have acted too shy that time, and he interpreted it as disinterest, because he didn't try to kiss me at the end of the night.
We texted a few days later and talked on Facebook, too, so I brushed it off as leftover third date weirdness. Then the semester got into full swing, and he had to teach a high-level science class in which he had little expertise and do research for his PhD. For a few weeks, we didn't talk at all, and my parents said it was over, so I tried to move on.He contacted me out of the blue when I saw him on campus after I freaked and ignored him (I thought we were over, and it was too painful to see him). After he started talking to me again, I waited around school, hoping to see him. I'd see him twice per week for 5 min as he was on his way to work. He'd be thrilled to see me, and when we talked, I'd wonder, "What's going on with us?" So I asked him.
I think I caught him off guard, and this was a while ago, so the memory is blurred a bit, but he tried to reassure me it was just work, which seemed legit. I love him, but we don't talk like before. In the first few months of the relationship, we would talk on Facebook chat all the time, but now it's only in person. I can be patient if he still wants me, but sometimes I doubt it and cry myself to sleep. He's a direct person, so do I assume he was being honest with me?I want our relationship to progress, but this patience has started to wear on me. I just keep thinking that he'll appreciate me being patient with him. I really need an unbiased opinion on this. I keep asking my parents, but they never wanted this relationship to happen in the first place, and I feel like they're discouraging me on purpose. I have a huge tendency to over-analyze everything, believe opinions of people who don't even know him, and let my insecurity completely conquer me, but I've been trying to overcome it because he makes me want to be the best person I can be.
How do I show him that I would be such a devoted and honest girlfriend, while wondering if we'll ever make it to that point?
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- From: parrotgirl
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Comments (23)
lol. let me rephrase everything, and i'm not going to include any genders here for a particular reason:
"so i expressed a lot of interest in someone, we totally hit it off and we hooked up. but i was a little shy during, and probably was interpreted as really uninterested. so my next move was to act even MORE uninterested by ignoring my new flame! then i was taken out to a wonderful date on my birthday, and got to spend time with said flame, during which i continued to act shy and uninterested. for some reason, my lack of interest made my date think that i'm not interested. so i didn't get a kiss at the end of the date."
playing games works fucking wonderfully, doesn't it.
by the way, you're obviously still in undergrad. try doing a phd and tell me that work doesn't dominate your life.
1) Try stating what you want to you on with the two of you. You have a stake in the US, too not just him. Tell him what you would like and so that he can even see whether or not the two of you are on the same page. Seriously, I'm a girl and if some guy whom I've only had a few dates and chatted with was like "what's going on with us?" My response would have been "Let's go get a beer." (especially after not talking to him for 3 weeks)
2) I think he may be out of your league in terms of dating experience. I agree with your parents, you may want to find someone that has similar dating experience as you. You talk about freaking out and crying way too much over from what is said here is nothing. You are still getting to know this guy.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - i couldn't help but come back and read the trainwrecks that are other people lives.
People who want to make time for you, will...As someone who is juggling 7+ jobs, I know how busy someone can be. I sense that he may be using his PhD business as an excuse to say he's not interested but to let you down gently. And since you're a virgin, as someone said before you should really find someone on the same page as you.
You have to ask him directly. I really like this girl and we spent a lot of time together. I'm busy a lot too with grad school and all, but I still do my best to make time for her. Well, one day, she stopped texting me back and ignored me. After a couple weeks, I finally got it out of her and she told me she didn't like me anymore because she was tired of waiting for things to be official. I was so shocked and surprised by it. If she told me, I would have clarified things and made us official. I know that kind of ruins the "romantic" of it all, but please communicate! We both had mutual feelings and we missed the opportunity because of lack of communication. So, just talk to him and tell him what your feelings are. Ask if there's a future or something. That's my take on it.
I think you are in lust with this overworked guy. You have not spent all that much time together. Sure, you like him, but I couldn't call it love.
Let him know that you would be willing to date him..or flirt like hell and see what happens. Nothing?? then move on.
Christy
So he was your instructor, obviously way more experienced than you in terms of relationships, all you've done during your "relationship" is act shy and weird, and you're wondering why it's not progressing?
I wouldn't call what you're experiencing "love." More like a lust. He's clearly your first relationship, if you can even call it that. The way you're acting with him is the way most pre-teens act with their first boyfriends. Knock off the crying shit and find someone a bit more on your level ~ not terribly experienced and equally awkward.
I think it takes a lot of courage to post on here, especially since people are just so nasty in their comments. I don't have advice except to ignore nasty comments. Good luck to you.
I think you should find someone better suited to you. He's 11 years older, obviously much more experienced when it comes to dating, and also obviously pretty busy. Even if you did get into a relationship, I think you would feel side-lined by his work and I doubt it would work. That's not a criticism to you - I wouldn't date someone whose work dominated their life either, but I know I can't handle that, and therefore don't get into relationships with people who are like that.
You're getting way too emotional over someone you're not even in a relationship with. You don't love him, you barely know him, really. I think it's unhealthy to be that obsessed and invested in someone when you're not even in a relationship yet. Find someone who is more your age, has similar experiences to you and who is more interested in what you're interested in. Good luck :)
@accumulations@xanga - haha. d-ish isn't just a dumb site. it's an addiction.
but, i wouldn't call this particular girl's life a train wreck. i think she just made some mistakes because she's young and inexperienced. nothing wrong with that, everyone starts that way. (except me, i was good from the beginning.)
To be honest, your actions don't match your words. The first comment wasn't phrased very nicely, but it was pretty accurate. So how can you be surprised or upset when his actions don't match his words? To him, he's getting the exact same mixed signals.
Was it a relationship? Cause it seems like a few dates. And if he asked to get together when near where you live and you didn't, that probably has him think you're too busy for him too. You'd have to ask him. It seems hard but he's the only one who knows his view of it
Alright, chill out here.. you're not in love with him, first of all. If he's 11 years older than you and in his 30's, then I'm going to assume you SHOULD be old enough to see the difference between love and lust.. but there is no way you can fall in love with someone without knowing him a helluva lot better than you know this guy.
Second of all, I agree with the comments above; you're playing some serious mind games here and then wondering why you're getting exactly what you asked for.
My advice is simple.. if you want to see him, ask him out. Go to the bar, have a couple drinks, loosen up a little bit (this doesn't mean get piss drunk and profess your love for him..) and just try to portray that you're interested. At the end of the night, lean in for that kiss and see what happens. If he doesn't kiss you back, you know it's time to move on.
I think you are holding up. DO yourself a favor. Put the focus onto your needs. You didn't need him so badly until you couldn't have him. What's that about? Normal as it is -- and it is normal, address what is happening in your heart. You are growing up. You'll probably continue to discover over and over that individuals are tricky business. Still, purity in heart and mind is a blessed state and this, I think, you know. You will be at your best when in your heart there is the peace of knowing your highest needs are of a pure nature.
I think he is just respecting your circumstances and the fact that you want to take things slow. He respects that but doesn't want that. He is very busy but would make time for you if he really wanted to.
You guys were flirting and romancing for four months. Then he makes a move and as you put it...you freak. Well that freaked him out. That is a ridiculously long time for a guy to wait to make a move. Then when he does you freak. That turned him off. The second date was him checking if there was still a vibe but he probably felt the awkwardness.
I applaud you for wanting to take things slow. Good for you. But the reality is many men will not want to deal with this. Even when you finally do have sex he will be thinking that it is such a huge deal to you and he doesn't want to deal with that heaviness.
I suggest you find a new guy. Maybe at your church or some very religious guy who is willing to put up with taking things as slow as possible.
older bookish people like to spend a lot of time doing work and are devoted to doing so. you have to be okay with that if you're going to date someone like that. he will be busy sometimes.
also, be honest about yourself. withholding information earlier, it's just going to come out later anyway.
if someone is into you, they will make time for you, period. move on or find a hobby
Ignore all the humbug about grad students and the age difference. I've been with ranges of 6-11yrs and it's fine. My boyfriend lives 5 hours away from me, is older, and is a science PhD student at Duke. He's busy, stressed, and works a lot, but you know what? I'm his #1. He'll sneak and video skype me in just to show me his experiments in lab, just to say "hi, love you...k g2g, bye!" or let me listen to his presentations. We talk all the freakin time. Not to mention he drives 5 hrs on the weekends to see me at least every 2 weeks.
1) The key thing is that if someone really likes you, they'll break their back to make time for you.2) It should be a two way street. Your actions/signals don't match and you expect his to?
and since it's neither...move on!
@EmilyandAtticus@xanga - Yes indeed
The only way you'll find out if you two are on the same page is to talk to him about it. Don't ask your parents or don't wait around for him. You need to know where both of you stand in this "relationship" or whatever you want to call it.
Hello My Friend,
My name is glory I have a friendly feeling, And decide to leave a message for you, I know you're many miles away separated by such distance, But yet your letters will bring you near to me.Through the mails we will share in future if it touches you to be a friend to me and if you feel to know more about me you can reach me on my via e-mail (koroglory@yahoo.com) bye and have a nice day.
Regards,
Miss Glory
To be honest, you're both better off not being involved -- he almost certainly would be facing disciplinary action, unless you're at a REALLY lax school. He was your instructor, and it's considered a major breach of ethics for him to do anything more than have a casual beer (or whatever) with you. Once you graduate, the situation is a little clearer. But until then, if you're not willing to just be friends you need to give up and move on. If you DO want to be friends, you could try being one: he's busy with his research -- ask if there's anything you can do to help (proofreading something, etc?), or if he wants company while he's working, or if he wants to grab a coffee with you/take a break, etc.