Friday, 25 January 2013
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How Do I Meet "The One?"
I just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship a few months ago with someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It turned out that we both wanted different things and that he was not fulfilling my needs emotionally or physically. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I loved him deeply and he was my best friend, but I was not happy, and something was just simply missing. I have accepted it and am moving on now, but feel like I won't ever meet anyone, as many people do after a break up.My question is how do I meet 'the one'? Where do I go to find him? How do I make myself approachable? I find it extremely difficult to meet men, especially because I live in New York City, and I've heard from just about everyone that this is the hardest place to meet men. Why is that? Is it because it's so fast paced or is it because the men here don't want to be in a relationship? I met my last boyfriend here, and he definitely wanted a relationship, so I don't understand.
I need some advice from all of the men or women out there as a female who just doesn't want to rely on standing there and waiting for someone to approach her or call her. I want to be strong enough to make eye contact and smile at someone if I find that person attractive, but I am very shy. How can I get men to notice me more? I'm old fashioned and have always wanted a man to approach me first, but I suppose times have changed and I might need to start doing things differently!
How did you meet your current boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you find it easiest to meet through mutual friends or just randomly? I need any advice I can get! I feel like I'm becoming cynical, and I don't want to continue down that path. Help!
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- From: confused231
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Comments (23)
Sometimes I wonder at the romanticism of the "one and only" concept.
"Soul Mates" center on the concept that in all the world, there is only one match for each person. But what are the odds that in all the world you'll actually MEET that "one"?
I was married to one man, and lived with him for 30 years.
We had a child together that we both adore...but a child is not enough to sustain a relationship that has died. For many years, he WAS my "one and only". But one day it just stopped, despite my best efforts.
Try for happy...and compatible...but I am pretty damned sure there is no "perfect".
my advice: look in the mirror.
if you're looking for "the one," then you're probably not completely satisfied with who you are, and have unrealistic expectations and disney-romance ideas of that special someone "completing" you.
be complete in yourself."I stayed with him for as long as I did because I loved him deeply and he was my best friend, but I was not happy, and something was just simply missing."
Your soul?
You left someone you deeply loved because something was missing in you. If I'm not mistaken, the popular sentiment is 'you are responsible for creating your own happiness' which of course can only be construed as 'you should find someone else to make you happy if you're not' (like many backward concepts today, it can only mean the exact opposite of what it actually says).
Odds are you left "the one" in pursuit of something that should be in you. Happy dating.
ok, so i just read your last post from august 2011--yes, a year and a half ago--and it looks like he told you THEN that he did not want to get married. and it took you more than an additional year to listen to that, when you knew that's what you wanted?
you sound pretty young and somewhat clingy. listen, you're in the best city in the whole world. go have some fun. i know it's difficult for girls to meet guys here. there are several reasons why, but it's mostly that the ratio is just not in your favor. and while it is true that people work too much to want relationships, it's not just guys who think that, it's girls too. we are just too damn busy. that is why new york is known for its hook-up culture. are there people who look for relationships? sure, but they are by and large *not* the norm.
in any case, you really shouldn't be looking for a relationship so soon after your last one. that's emotionally unhealthy for you and it would be unfair to your rebound.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON DATINGISH, YOU ARE A COBRA WEARING A SANTA HAT
IHAVE BEEN THERE FOR YOU MY FRIEND ... AND ALAWAYS WILL BE , AS LONG A AS YOU WANT ME TO BE /// @dstevej ~DJ~MAINE~USA~
I've been fulfilling my own needs 'physically' and 'emotionally' for a long time now. If you need someone to fulfill your needs you really should be honest with yourself and the other person and act as desperate as you really are. Tell the next person you go out with how much you need them (or any variable someone you can't put a name to) on the first date and see how well that goes, that is, if your "needs" truly aren't being fulfilled.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - snakes need loving, too. poopyhead.
@Cares2theWind - I agree. You need to be able to be yourself. You have to feel comfortable being alone. When you are in a relationship, it is not just about what the person is giving to you, you bring something to the plate as well. This is going to be true no matter what "kind" of relationship you are in. Whether you are looking for "the one" or just looking to have a good time, you are bringing something to the other person's life.
With that said, if you are not the type that men flock to, then you have to be a little more assertive. Try saying hello sometimes.
I'm still trying to figure out how to meet "The One," too...I think I've met him, but it's going as slow as a turtle. He doesn't even know how much I like him yet because I want to be a friend first. We've flirted some but that's about it. I don't know if he just flirts with girls in general or if he is really interested in me. I always make him laugh and I've never done that to anyone else before and he is just different from anyone else I've liked. I too, have trouble meeting people. The only places I meet people are at my works, period...so it's hard not to get involved with a co-worker. Luckily this guy quit but we still talk sometimes so it might work out. After hearing a horror story about match.com, and Manti getting cat-fished, I'm not doing online dating. Technically I've been single for 5 years, but I did have a fwb to fall back on who was like a boyfriend, but I'd rather have the real thing. People often complain about breaking up, before my latest crush, I haven't found anyone worthy of being called a boyfriend where I am to break up with me. I have my life somewhat on track so I wouldn't mind spending the lonely nights with someone who is on the same page as me. I've had to suck up being me for 5+ years.
I don't think there is "the one." I met my boyfriend at a party, but we already sort of knew each other through mutual friends. Parties are always an awesome place to meet potential lovers, but of course you have to distinguish the difference between a guy wanting in your pants and one who's sincerely interested. Try signing up for classes (painting, aerobics, etc), shop at new places, or just hang out in a park, there's always millions of people that you can talk to, even small talk, that may respond in a great manner, wishing the same thing that you are.
First, give yourself at least a year to grieve your 2.5 yr relationship..
Then, go back to night school, join a church, join some co-ed activities that you enjoy, go out with one girlfriend at a time (so as not to scare eligible men by too many women), join a bowling league, look for young adult groups, etc etc Let it be known to as many friends as possible that you are now available..let them set you up, too.
Good luck. Happy Hunting.
And may I congratulate you for breaking up a romance which was not meeting your needs. Certainly better now than after getting married and having kids. That was gutsy and oh, so very smart.
Christy
New York just has thousands more women than men and the men who are single either just got out of a relationship or there is a reason why they are single.
Don't focus on "the one."
Focus on "the some."
@mycontinuity@xanga - Whoa wait, New York is full of women?
Share the love with the rest of us!
Stop looking, be content within yourself, and they'll find you.
I nearly had my 1st girlfriend on holiday, she asked me did I have a girlfriend back at home, she was part of the hotel entertainment team, she asked my parents could she marry me :), never saw her again (probably her week off)
The mongoose and the cobra. Hmm! Aren't they enemies?
You may benefit by doing some self-work, I think.
Ask yourself probing questions. Know yourself.
If you want to attract what you love, be what you love.
Can you do that? Look inside.
Do you feel balanced and secure in yourself with you?
I don't know, but I think you feel uncomfortable.
I think in order to meet the one you have to make an effort to get yourself out there n that's hard. Not just learning how to accept yourself bc I have had the same problems don't let ppl tell what u need to do go n be about it
New York is definitely one of the toughest. I live here as well about the same situation as you, broke up with my bf of 3 years over the summer, but it was really worth it. I spent a lot of time getting to know myself. Met a few guys, small flings here and there but that special person will come to you eventually. Its hard to meet guys in the city because of the competition and also because no one's really that serious. Everyone is just looking for something quick and fleeting usually especially around our age, but I definitely have hope that you'll find someone though I have to agree I don't think "the one" really exist but you can come pretty darn close.
Oh dear god another "How do you know when you've found 'The One'" question.
First off I'd like to point out that there are over seven BILLION people on this planet, and of those seven billion there are bound to be a few "one in a million" type guys. SO! With that in mind try to be a little more optimistic. As for being old fashioned. That's cute and all but this is the twenty first century, doll. Nobody waits until marriage. That's like buying a car before you test drive it, and that's just stupid... It's admirable, but I'd never do it.
Everyone has a first love, and looking back on mine I can't imagine ever feeling that way about a man again. It was literally love at first site. As soon as our eyes met it was instant crush time which later became undying affection... but that relationship DID, in fact, metaphorically, die. Just like the other countless guys I've dated and had sex with and been engaged to and thought "oh my gosh he's THE ONE!" You know how tiring this whole "dating" shit gets? Pretty damn "boy who cried wolf..."
I'm now comfortably taking time off from dating in order to find myself. After so many guys this really does seem like the best route. I know my expectations for myself and whomever I'm with and within the first two weeks of a relationship I know whether or not a guy is worth my time. I mean come on... you should be able to tell whether or not you want to see a guy again after five minutes of talking to them.
Our entire world is fast paced. Not just New York, and although you may feel like hell right now. Like you've wasted your time on some guy, or like you'll never love again. Just know that you're human, and you're biologically programmed to love again. It doesn't go away, and we're as mammal as the rest of the planets creatures (within mammal limitations.) We seek comfort and company from people around us. Eventually your instincts will compel you to seek out another "mate" er... companion (for old fashions sake) and if things don't work out, don't worry about it. Sometimes people just AREN'T compatible. So don't expect to fall in love with every guy that walks into your life!
Heartbreaks are a part of life. Love is a battlefield. Be true to yourself. Don't do drugs. Always practice safe sex. Don't drink and drive! And remember! Life is too short to live it unhappily, so don't let yourself live in the emotional dumps for too long.
When I found my fiancee, I wasn't looking for anything. I was on a date with someone else the night I met him. On our first date, right after he kissed me, I told him that I didn't do relationships, and that we could be fuck buddies, but nothing further. That changed when we fell in love. Love isn't something you force, or chase after. It just happens spontaneously.
I got out of a 2.5 year relationship too, about 8 months ago. It wasn't working (hadn't been for a while, really) and we went our separate ways. But then the strangest things happened when I had my "mourning period": men came out of the woodwork to try and go out with me! I mean, I didn't realize it then, but looking back yeah that's what happened. Anyway, in my "mourning period" I did the things that made me happy: I went to hockey games, I joined many fitness classes, I got my rock climbing certification, I threw myself into school and work, and I did whatever I wanted to do FOR ME and not anyone else. This helped a lot. I met a lot of new people and I began to love myself. The key is to love yourself and the things you do, because you'll want to (eventually) be with somebody who shares similar interests.
So like many before me have said, stop looking and make yourself happy first. You'll find someone without knowing it, and especially when you stop forcing it! Additionally, they don't need to be perfect, they should complement and balance you. Besides, being single is fun! There's a lot more free time that you can spend on yourself! Want to have that movie marathon? You only need to check your calendar to see when you can, you don't have to ask anyone else! It's awesome =]