It feels like whenever any of my friends enter a new relationship or hook-up, they always eventually end up wondering the same thing: when is it okay to bring up a discussion about the seriousness of the relationship? Granted, this doesn't apply to all couples, but for many,
there seems to come a time when the dreaded "what are we?" discussion is deemed necessary.Whether it's because you want to make sure your SO isn't playing the field while you're staying committed, or it's because you want to make sure your SO is truly into you, there's definitely rhyme and reason for having a discussion about the nature of the relationship. However,
these discussions never tend to go too well. Often, my girlfriends who want to bring up this topic
fear coming off as too clingy and needy, and therefore go about it in some indirect way that tends to lead to more confusion than clarity.
When I look back on the beginnings of my relationship with my boyfriend, I realize that
we never actually discussed our current or future state. We simply started hanging out more and more, and as we started to develop feelings, we let go and enjoyed our time together. Now, a year and a half into it, we
clearly have a strong, healthy, monogamous relationship, and we never had "the talk.
"
Perhaps the "what are we" discussion isn't necessary for all couples, and maybe it's not truly necessary for
any couples. Assuming both parties are equally interested, why rush the natural progression and turn it into something unnatural and forced? If both parties are not equally invested, then really, there's nothing to discuss. So maybe, there's never a right time to have the discussion.
What do you guys think? Is there a proper time to have the "what are we" discussion, and who is responsible for bringing it up?image source
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Comments (12)
Anybody who wants a serious relationship is responsible for bringing up the topic. While one person might be seeing you as cool and fun to spend time with, the other person could be seeing you as potential marriage material. Obviously these two views are polar opposites and someone's going to get hurt if this goes completely unaddressed for too long, an easy situation of "You were leading me on" and "Why didn't you tell me this isn't what you wanted."
If you think it's necessary to verbally establish the relationship boundaries, then ask. If you play mindgames out of a fear of being seen as clingy, then you are probably not ready for a relationship anyways, because relationships don't work well when either partner is afraid to say what's on their mind.
tl;dr GROW A FUCKING BACKBONE
if it doesn't apply to all couples, it's not inevitable, is it...
in any case, while i strongly advocate clarity of intention from both parties, i have difficulty believing that bringing up this topic is ever going to result in what you want. there are better ways to approach this than straight up asking "what are we?".
i might also suggest that one shouldn't be (monogamously) committed to anyone (while expecting the same from the other) before having an explicit indication of monogamy from that person as well. people who think otherwise are fucking dimwits, or at least just young and naive. oh and for that matter, i also wouldn't call someone an "so" if you haven't established any kind of official-ness (which i would gather is the case if you're not sure if that person is committed).
Unless you've both agreed you're official/monogamous, you're both single and free to do whatever you want. You may spend a lot of time together and seem serious, but you never know if they're dating or sleeping with other people. Never assume you're the only one, never assume you're together.
this post made me LOL. When my hubby and I first met I was living in a house with 4 other girls. He was friends with one of them and came up to visit in May. It was instant between us.. We all went out on the Friday after he arrived and he drove.. we were already holding hands (<-- completely cheesy, but i love him) and one of the other friends came with asked "You two are so cute, how long have you been dating?".. I had no answer, but he just replied "we're still working on that".. rather then go in with the group we decided to sit in the truck and talk (I wasn't feeling great).. He found some music and we avoided the conversation for a few minutes. Finally I asked him, "So what exactly are we?" and the rest is history =) we got engaged the following November, he moved to Alberta to be with me in July, married in August, and we just celebrated 8yrs.
Dating seems so complicated in America! I've never had this "talk" or needed to. Over here, you go on a few dates, or get to know someone as friends, no strings or labels, and then when one person wants a monogamous relationship, they just ask the other person out. If you haven't been asked out, you're not together and free to do what you want. Some people make things so complicated, I swear.
haha what @daydreams_nightmares@xanga - said :D that's how it was when I was a kid in school, and it carried over to how its done now.
First of all, I don't even know why this is a "problem" that requires a discussion. If two people are going to get involved with each other, they should understand what it is they're both looking for. Yes, I understand there are people who get into relationships and not realize that they're not on the same page, but if there ever is a time for the "what are we" discussion, it should be at the beginning. The relationship goes a lot more smoothly, from what I've noticed, when both parties understand what the relationship entails.
As much as I don't understand it, the whole "we're going to different colleges so we're breaking up" dealio is something that is a mutual understanding between both people. They both understand that they're dating until they both leave for college. If they wanted something more, then they should talk about it.
If you need definition in a relationship, you're really seeking confirmation that they're in it as much as you are - you're looking for a promise of forever when forever is never a guarantee.
I think this is what happens when someone has sex in a relationship before they were emotionally ready. After? They need some affirmation that they didn't make a mistake.
I don't know - I hate the idea of having to "have a talk" about something that should just kind of happen. It's not like you're friends with someone and then one day you're just like, "Hey! Let's be BEST friends!" It's far more natural than that and I feel like relationships should be like that too. With the guy that I'm seeing now, there has been no conversation and we're kind of just taking things one day at a time. If I have an inkling that someone I'm dating is dating other people as well, I just keep a bit more distance. Other than that, just let it be.
It's just how dating is these days, I never know what the hell the guy's intentions are. That's why I have to ask. I got out of situations where the guy was just fucking around with me (and I thought we were going toward something more serious) relatively quickly because I brought it up. I have no desire to waste my time with someone who isn't going to give me the stability I need in my love life. So yeah, for some of us, the talk has to happen because the guy isn't being in any way clear or obvious or honest or open about what he wants, and particularly what he wants with you. I have no desire to just be something to do on the weekend until something better comes up.
See, for us it's more like, we'll be laying there talking and just kind of relaxing, and the subject will crop up, whether it's because I showed him a picture of my friend's new baby and he mentions us having kids one day, or if we're talking about a farm and "when we have our own farm.." comes up. I used to be kind of afraid of that conversation, because it seemed stupid to talk about those things early in a relationship. Now I'm kind of realizing that I'm glad I know he wants all that, even if a year down the line we aren't still together. I'm glad we're comfortable enough to be able to get what we want out of a relationship out in the open, and I now think I was a little dumb for being so frightened of that conversation. If you're afraid of the conversation, you're afraid of that future, and that fear is pointless because it's not like talking about it means it's absolutely set in stone and you no longer have a choice in the matter. It just means you like each other enough to picture that future together, and to know it's what both of you want before you make a lifelong commitment.