Monday, 21 January 2013
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Why Do I Still Have Feelings for Him?
Some time in November of 2011, I was looking through my friend's Facebook and saw this really cute guy tagged in her picture. I decided to add him because it said he was her cousin. He accepted my friend request and we talked for two months before we ever even met in person. I know, it's a little sketchy to meet someone online, but he was my friend's cousin.
Well, January 3rd, 2012, we finally met in person. He stayed the night at my house and we hung out the next three days. It was a little quick, but he asked me to be his girlfriend on January 6th. Well, here's a little background on him and a little on me.He has a son, who was born on my birthday. I'm the type of girl whom before that, never would have dated someone with a child, but I decided to give him a chance. I was thinking maybe he was different from other guys because he had a child, but man was I wrong.
About two weeks after we started dating, my one friend on Facebook asked me who I was dating. When I told him, his response was, "Oh man, I thought he was still with his baby's mom." I thought nothing of it because at the time, I trusted him and I really liked him. Well, a little later, the same guy asked if I wanted him to ask this girl if they were still trying to remain together. I told him I didn't care because, honestly, I didn't want to know. I had hope for him that it wasn't true.
My friend asked her and she told him. Well, he then broke up with me and obviously I was furious. I kept trying to get him back, but he said it would be better if we just waited because he didn't want his baby's mom flipping out on him.We remained friends until March 9th when he invited me to his house. We watched movies all night and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend again. I obviously said yes because I still had feelings for him. I had actually fallen for this guy and his son which was a really crazy thing for me because I don't let people in that easily.
A week later was St. Patrick's day and he wanted to go to a party at his cousin's house (the same cousin I met him through). Well, that same night was my manager's going away bowling party, and I really wanted to go, but I didn't want him going to his party without me because of my past. Well, I decided to let go of my past and just let him attend the party, although I had told him how I felt. Considering it was a bowling party, I couldn't really talk to him which made him a little mad, but hey, it was bowling and it was a going away party.
I wasn't going to sit by my phone all night. He then proceeded to make me feel bad by saying that he didn't go to his cousin's party because I didn't want him to go, which was total bull because I read her Facebook and it said she was sick and cancelled the party. Then, he told me to not even bother texting him anymore even after that night. I wasn't in the mood to go through the roller coaster ride with him again. So basically, I took that as him breaking up with me.
He got really upset and told me that's not how he meant it, but I still wasn't in the mood for the roller coaster. We basically ended it. We would talk every day still and I would go to his house all the time. I fell even more in love with him and his son and I would do absolutely anything he asked me to!After a while, I decided I could give him another chance and maybe we would be stronger than ever because it was about 3 months after we broke up. I then found out that he was also having sex with this other girl, which totally threw me off guard because I thought things were going really well. I then totally threw him off to the side not even acknowledging anything he was saying to me because he just kept apologizing to me and saying he regret doing it with her and all that.
We didn't talk all summer until he sent me this long message, but couldn't tell me in person about how he wished he would have done the little things I asked him to do with me because he saw me happy with my new boyfriend (who lasted 2 weeks because he was just really clingy and I was heading off to college at the end of the summer). I didn't want to start college in a relationship and to be honest, I didn't really like him much.
So a few months after college started, my ex contacted me again and I honestly did want to see him and see how he was doing. I went to see him for a weekend. I cleaned his entire house, and babysat his son while he went to work, which wasn't a big deal, until the day after I left. He started completely ignoring me. We stopped talking completely, but every now and again, I'll receive a text message from him telling me how much he misses me and loves me and how sorry he is for everything that has happened.
I don't know if it's just me or if this happens to a lot of people, but every time I see his name on my phone, I get this glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he's different and he actually wants to be with me. But still, after all we've been through, he doesn't think he can handle the long distance relationship of me being in college. He said after 4 years, if we're both still single, we can try it out. That makes me just want to stay single, just so I'm single after college, but then again, I don't want to ruin any chance of a better guy coming along just because I'm still in love with him.
I don't know how I can still love him after everything he's done to hurt me, I just do. I can't let go of him... Please help and tell me what I should do.
Keep in mind, there's this guy from my high school that I started talking to a couple weeks ago that really likes me. Only problem is, this Thursday, he's leaving for Afghanistan for 6 months. I just don't know what to do about any of it. PLEASE HELP!
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- From: ashleyyyylovveee
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Comments (30)
If it hasn't worked the few times before, what makes you think it will happen the next few times. You'll probably just have to tell him that it won't work since it hasn't worked in the past. Delete his number, ignore his calls and texts, and move on. The only way you can move forward is if you let go of your past.
As for the guy going to Afghanistan, it might be best to wait until he comes back, or just move on. If you are not comfortable with not being able to see or hear from someone for 6 months, chances are the relationship won't work.
Sounds like you're attracted to jerks.
Feelings exist for a purpose, thoughts exist for a reason.
If you find yourself thinking about why you feel the way you do, all you're going to do is come up with reasons not to.
Love is something you do with your heart, not your head.
all I heard was alot of really incredibly bland and boring drama. the only worrisome part is, how is this effecting the kid? you're both confusing the hell out of him, I'm sure. he has no stable idea of what a parental figure is, from either of you, I'm guessing. I'm sad for the little dude.
(favourtim00@live.com)
@Erika_Steele@xanga - all i saw was "sketchy to meet online" and i stopped reading.
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dear op,
get a fucking life. thx.
You're not really stable. Not sure how you feel about that coming from someone that doesn't know you but that's really the case with you. You say you love him but with all the things that you and him go through, is quite the roller coaster ride. If you're still going to college, there's a good chance you're probably in your early 20's, so if that's the case, there's a good chance that you're just stepping into the world, seeking and/or fortifying your sense of identity, and where you want to go in life.
So what do you want to do with your life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Having these kinds of thoughts in mind helps with knowing what you want and the direction you want to take, so in regards to your ex, does he fit somewhere in that (after your career, things you want to do before truly settling down, and perhaps other things you need to or should do for yourself)? If he doesn't fit, it will be hard at first to move on, but once you're absorbed into fortifying things in your life, you may still care for the guy and his son, but you may not love him (emotionally speaking) the way you seem to be now.
The thing I seem to see a female is that if she's not doing much for her own lives and she end up really liking some guy that puts her into quite a roller coaster ride, she would end up too attached to those feelings of liking that guy, until at some point she can put more effort into doing something for her own life (doing so builds up her dignity and respect for herself, which can allow her to break away from such poisonous relationships).
Yeah girl. Don't worry; College is going to start, you'll find someone with more future than your friend's cousin. Sorry that you're disappointed in love with him. and yeah, if you're heartbroken by someone, EVERY time you see anything that reminds you of him, you'll get that feeling.
That being said: all of this happened to you in the course of a year? He sounds kind of like a deadbeat and bad news. Go to college and have some nice casual boys.
Just.. this.
@Lost__In_My_Mind@xanga - You used that one on me Ms. One-dimensional. Are you really confused that often? That's a side-effect of certain medications, you know... and explaining hi-tech things to old people.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Lol every time I look at this one I laugh. Just.. the look on his face. I love it. Why does that make me one dimensional? I've used it twice. At any rate, yes, this post was confusing. Too many "she's" and "he's", just sounded like a ramble most of the time. When I find myself skimming instead of reading because the details are screwed up, I get slightly frustrated.
Maybe I should have gone with this instead.
@Lost__In_My_Mind@xanga - Trust me, it wouldn't matter either way. They're both equally pointless.
don't know how I can still love him after everything he's done to hurt me, I just do.I can't let go of him... Please help and tell me what I should do.
Find someone else and you will forget about him. A part of us does not like rejection or to be used..maybe you want to show him you are a great person or want to tell him how angry you are.. that is what forgiveness is for...so he stops controlling your thoughts.. forgive him and then move on. Do not allow yourself to think about him. He's bad news..he will only break your heart.
Final question.. Why don't you feel worthy to be loved by someone else..there are a lot of great guys out there, but the one you are hankering for is NOT a good guy.
Please talk to someone about your feelings of not being good enough for someone who will treat you well???
Lady....he's using you. You're nothing more then a fuck toy & a tool to clean his house & watch his son, while he's working or screwing other women.
He doesn't listen to you, he doesn't respect you. The only time he's "sorry" is when he realizes he's close to losing his 'free ride' for good. That's not love & that's not a relationship. He seems like a total loser & you can do way better. The sad part, the truly sad part in all of this..is the fact you realize that he's no good for you..yet you're still in love with him & you set yourself up to be used. [i.e going to his house when he texts you or calls you] Also..I am dismayed at the idea that him simply saying "After college if you're both still single, you can try dating again" genuinely makes you wish to stay single for the next four years..JUST so you can maybe try again with this tool! After four years..what makes you think dating him again...after the last TWO times..is going to be any different?! I hate to say it..but people like him..they don't change. They enjoy the idea of having a girl or guy that will wait on them hand & foot & who they can keep on the proverbial back burner for whenever they are single for the time being or in your case: need their house cleaned or their child watched.
Again, it's very sad to see you're aware of the fact if you stay single you could very well miss out on an amazing man would treat you right! There isn't a whole lot of advice that I can give you in this situation, considering you already KNOW the reality of who he is & the fact he hasn't treated you right & 99.99999% never will. That tiny iota of a percent that maaaaybe he's changed & will...isn't enough. You can't live your life around someone who nearly a 100% is a dickwad & will never respect you.
MOVE ON. Find someone worthy of who you are! Good luck!
" but then again, I don't want to ruin any chance of a better guy coming along just because I'm still in love with him."
if you think there is a chance of a better guy coming along, then I don't believe you're really in love with him. when you are truly in love, you're not looking for something better to come along.
There's nothing wrong with thinking about your exes now and again, but maybe you're confusing the feelings you WANT to have (hope that he'll magically become awesome, etc...) with what you KNOW (that you two are no good for each other, and that you should probably stop talking to him).
I know it's irritating when people say "I know
exactlyhow you feel," because they don't, but I have been in a similar situation.
One day, I just knew I had to burn that bridge, because I knew that I was never going to get back together with him. During one of his random, inconsistent "I miss you" tangents, I told him I didn't think we could be friends anymore, that I hoped he understood, and that I hoped he had a wonderful life.
He was a little butthurt (who wouldn't be?), but he eventually said I was probably right. We haven't spoke since.
And I lived happily ever after.
I still think about him now and again, and wonder how he's doing. But it's been long enough now that I don't text him or anything. I don't want to make new memories with him, but I don't think it's wrong to look back on the old ones.
tl;dr: Cut him out of your life, and focus that hope, that energy you're wasting on him, on someone new.
@Nicole - "Someone new"... lol. I bet you get around.
You can't escape yourself. Of course it's wrong to look back on the old memories if you don't want to make new ones. Making new ones is the currency; you haven't earned and don't deserve the others. You wasted his time when someone else could've been making him happy and would've stayed with him. Hell, here you are still talking about him.
"tl;dr"
Your every romantic encounter summarized in fewer letters than it takes to count on one hand with more men than it probably takes to count on two. No wonder you look back on the people you broke up with, because you never finished what you started. I literally NEVER think about my exes unless someone asks about them or brings them up specifically.
Instead of constantly finding someone new every time things feel too difficult and making your SO (or rather, ex-SO) suffer for your own inadequacies, you'd be doing them and the rest of the world a favor to stop dating altogether until you're ready to be someone new, pick yourself up, and keep trying with him instead of being the most efficient machine for converting one potential romantic interest after another into a butthurt ex, because he certainly didn't do it to himself. When you know exactly what you want it is only your fault for not realizing the person you hurt wasn't what you wanted sooner. If you truly knew what you wanted, no one would end up hurt. I deem you a scourge on the dating world. You disgust me. That is all.
You are a crazy person to think that "you don't let people in too easily" and yet here you are complaining about some guy you started dating in JUST OVER HALF A WEEK.
Get a grip on yourself. You do not love this guy. You're in love with his internet persona. Which, quite obviously, is much different from his real life persona. Welcome to real life, baby.
Ditch the jerk and get on with your life. Do yourself a favor and start getting out more often. Meeting guys online is not the way to go. Pick up a hobby or something. When you put out on the internet, it just makes you look easy. When you're a big girl, you'll be ready to meet someone in real life.
Walk away. Just walk away. Feelings are a dime a dozen. This guy knows how to play you while playing around with others. It's time to let go. Just. Let. Go..........................
I felt like I was reading about high school kids and teenage angst, but put that notion aside considering a kid was involved. I then got to the end of the blog and, lo and behold...
Honestly I would worry about yourself for awile. Your ex will never change no matter how much he says he misses you and loves you. This is not your fault either so don't think you should change either you did everything you could. Every time you have a thought about trying it again think about him going back to his baby momma and cheating on you. I'm sure she regrets having a kid with the fuck, granted I'm sure it's a lovely kid but he sounds like a piece of shit I'm sorry. The guy going away for six months you don't wanna deal with that either if you still wanna be with him when he comes back maybe. Just focus on your life have fun again and stop talking to this guy, the longer you don't have contact with him the easier it will be to get over him ok? good luck.
Forget him and move on. I was like that once, trying to show the person I cared by doing things for him but eventually, he left me. JUST MOVE ON. FOCUS IN SCHOOL.