Wednesday, 09 January 2013
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Do I Walk Away?
I have been seeing this guy (Chris) for 11 months whom I met on an Internet dating site in January—It's a very sticky situation. He looked familiar, until I realized who he was. I always thought he was a good looking guy but I was very taken. He is a police officer in my ex-fiance's precinct. I was left at the altar last December and had my heart ripped out.
Being that I was single now and not wasting any more time with idiots, I decided to take the plunge and email him. Chris and my ex are not friends; they just work in the same precinct. We see each other maybe two times a month. We do not always hook up and sometimes I will go to his house just to cuddle and watch TV. Other times, we do hook up but we have not actually had sex since May. On a few occasions, Chris has gotten drunk and told a few people at work about me, which was a big no-no, only because I do not want Chris to have issues at work with my ex.
Even though my ex-fiance has no say in anything, I just wouldn't want problems for Chris. If I could have a relationship with him, I would in a heartbeat! I love the boy. Now he is a very quiet and shy person and never really speaks what he is feeling. Before we had sex back in February for the first time, he had said that sex leads to feelings... it was almost as if he were hesitant because he didn't want me to become a clinger (I am far from a clinger). I never text him or harass him, so it's not like that.Fast-forward to two months ago—we were in Vegas the same weekend; he was with his friends, I was with mine—we ended up seeing each other out there on one night. He had called me the night before I arrived while he was drinking a bit and told me that he told some friends from work about 'us'. What he said, I have no idea... point is, he was talking about me to people from work.
While in Vegas, I gave him a letter stating how I felt about him. I told him how I knew we weren't in a relationship but I did wanna get to know him better, and basically asked him how he felt about me. No response at all. I have seen him a few times since then and he has not brought up the letter at all.Last night we were texting and I mentioned having sex with him, asking why we hadn't since May and he said, "I just don't wanna." Now I feel hurt because I think it's my fault, meanwhile I haven't done anything wrong. I am trying to figure out why. I finally said, "Please just tell me if you have any feelings for me at all," and he said, "As a friend." However, he still wants to hook up with me, just not have sex with. How does this even make sense? If you like someone just as a friend, want to hook up, but not have sex, what the heck does that even mean?
The guy doesn't always hook up with me or use me for sex, so obviously I'm not a booty call. He knows how I feel about him and could have kicked me to the curb a long time ago. Could it be that he is getting feelings for me and just won't admit it? Maybe because he sees my ex every day and feels that we would never be able to be anything?
Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.
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- From: NYgirl75
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Comments (26)
using each other for oral sex is still using even if it isn't penetration sex. you're still hooking up your tongues/hands to their body parts and being sexually intimate. he wants no strings attached "hookups" and likes to hookup with you once in a while for fun but other than that, he wants nothing to do with you. he knows that you have more feelings for him than he does for you, so he is keeping you around to "hookup" with whenever he feels like it, because he knows that you'll be around anxiously awaiting a response from him even though he already told you that he likes you "as a friend." you hope that he'll change his mind or finally admit that he also has more than friends feelings for you, too. he told his friends about you because he wants to brag that he hooked up with his coworker's ex-fiance; an ego thing. he probably thinks that if you don't have actual intercourse, but oral sex, then you won't be as attached since it would be funny if you fall in love with a guy after giving him blowjobs, which isn't exactly that romantic, but maybe some still do become attached orally:O omg rofl.
Just going by the title and not actually reading the post, yes you should walk away.
he's clearly not interested in "feelings", walk away, find a fine looking women instead.
He told you he likes you as a friend. You're friends with benefits. He's never going to commit to you.
Never bringing up your letter is such an immature dickhead move on his part. It's probably because you're a Plan B - he doesn't want to break up with you because then he would have no one. He likes to hook up with you on his terms.
He's a selfish spoiled man child.
There's some guy out there who can't go 11 months without calling you his girl, go find him! Good luck.
Walk away and start a new day if you feel confused. Do not take all your attention in someone.
Close this book; it's time for a new and more exciting story. He's letting things fizzle out and you're developing feelings- now is the perfect time to walk away. Find a guy who's worth your time. He's out there.
Maybe, he does like you but not enough. He wants to keep you around because he cares but not have sex because it would lead you to developing further feelings for him and he's afraid of that...
walk away because then it'll get weird
Even if he does like you, it doesn't seem worth it to stick around if he treats you like this.
Kick him to the curb.
do you walk away? heck no, RUN.
Im not saying he is a bad guy, but it sounds like he is either not interested in a relationship, or he just wants to sleep with you with no strings attached.
Orrrrrr he was really badly hurt in the past and is not ready for another relationship and the letter you gave him scared him. and he cares about you, but doesn't want to get involved with you on a deeper level.
I don't know really.. but you have 3 choices..
1, Run. move on
2. Send him a text about how you want him to forget the letter you gave him and just go back to the way things were
or 3, keep trying to get to the root of the problem by trying to get him to talk (<--- which will still probably cause you to lose him permanently because trying to force a guy to talk about feelings is pointless.. they will talk when they are ready.. you can't force it).
Whatever you choose, good luck!
I think it's already been said, but he's said he only wants to hook up with you. Not all guys mean sex/oral sex when they say hook up. Sometimes, it means they want to hang out with you and do things that friends would do. Cuddling happens to fall into that category with some guys and you have to either accept it or move on. If you aren't interested in just being a friend to him, tell him you can't and be done with it. HE'S NOT INTO YOU.
I wish you the best of luck finding your happiness elsewhere than with him since everyone deserves a bit of happiness :)
Sounds like he has major commitment issues to me. He wants everything but NOTHING involving the commitment. I feel for you, but it sounds like it's time to let go because you both aren't on the same page anymore feeling wise. Go out there and get what you deserve girl.
exactly what she said @Erika_Steele@xanga
He's a cop, there's your problem right there ;) J/k Yeah, I'd walk away. Especially since he hasn't responded to said letter. I mean, unless you're comfortable with the situation too (i.e. *not* looking for a relationship).
Run far from him. He's not interested in you. Doesn't want to develop feelings. (doesn't mean that you are bad, just means he is not the one for you..you've avoided guys who aren't for you, too--and they may be good guys..you are just not interested)
Find someone new or you are just headed for more heartache.
RUN !!!
There are plenty of decent guys out there. Don't waste your time here.
Christy
Honestly, it sounds like you're one of many girls he's doing this to. I know this type of guy very well, and in my opinion don't walk... RUN.
Duh. Well, no not really. He thinks he's playing smart! He keeps you at a distance so he can spend time with the other ladies. And on the many days separate to the occasions you get hungry and annoyed enough to demand sex out of him, he has more opportunities to score with others. The end.
Maybe he's thinking about men?
If you wonder why a man wants to be with a woman... there is that, for some reason some (new) not yet committed to gay men like hanging with women.
There is also, meeting other women.
There is also, like you but isn't satisfied sexually.
Maybe he's afraid of commitment or doesn't want to with you.
We can continue speculating.
Ask him... what's up?
Did my ex trash me with you?
What do you like about me?
Can you romance me?
Do you want to try living together?
Questions are good when mind reading isn't working.
you say you are "far from a clinger" but the fact that you're letting this guy treat you like this -- in the vain hopes that he'll develop feelings for you someday -- shows quite the opposite. Btw "hooking up," even if it's without sex, is still a pleasurable activity, so yes, technically he is still using you. The reason why he doesn't want to have sex is because it's easier for him to just "hook up" rather than deal with you developing more "feelings" because he doesn't need or respect them. Sorry but that's the truth.
Also, your ex probably doesn't have much to do with this. When a guy likes you, he doesn't care and doesn't let anything stand in his way to get you...meanwhile, it seems like in your case the guy is trying to put distance between you.
If a guy knew how I felt about him and when asked, he told me I'm just a "friend" to him, I'll stop with all the hooking up, cuddling, etc, and just treat him as a friend. You're not a clinger, but perhaps you're a bit desperate.
I know how you feel and I been thinking the same for a while too :(
I kinda told him what I want and all he said to me was "I'm confused.." but he still wanna see me..:|
I'd definitely walk away without doubt if he says just friends to me..