Monday, 07 January 2013
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The Right Decision: Dealing with Differences
Wouldn't life be convenient if we had some kind of instantaneous reward system that kicks in when we make the right decisions? Your character levels up, you pass Go and collect $200, you get some pie. That sort of thing.I've been seeing a guy for a little over 6 years, and it becomes really hard to recognize the right decision after such a long period of time. You see, after 6 years and multiple conversations about our future, it became increasingly clear that we were not heading in the same direction. I'm getting ready to start my first teaching job on a real salary and I've been thinking a lot about getting married and starting a family. He's not sure where he wants to be working or if he wants to go back to school and, above all things, he does not want to get married or have his own children.
On paper, this seems like a no-brainer. You don't have the same common goals, so you should find someone else who does. I'm not someone who believes that it's feasible or right to "change" someone in a relationship. Sure, you compromise. You're not going to agree on everything, so sometimes you need to be an adult and find the middle ground. But major philosophical differences about relationships are not exactly something that you can compromise and it's selfish to expect that someone change their core beliefs and ideas to accommodate your wants.
Last night, after a long, incredibly-hard-to-have conversation, we decided to end things. Not for lack of love, but for understanding that we want different things from our lives that don't quite fit together. To borrow from How I Met Your Mother, he is my Beinahe-Leidenschaftsgegenstand. That thing which is almost the thing that I want, but not quite. It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make, but I feel that it was the right decision. And, in time, I hope that he will too.
It's just unfortunate that in the real world, even when you're sure that you made a good decision, you still feel like you've been punched in the gut.Have you ever made a decision that you felt was right but that still had negative consequences? Have you ever had to end a long-term relationship like this?
Suggestions on the best break-up comfort foods (which are currently needed in high quantities)?
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- From: XxNoirMaidenxX@xanga
- About Me: Just along for the ride.
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Comments (32)
"...it's selfish to expect that someone change their core beliefs and ideas to accommodate your wants."
It's even more selfish to not give the person the opportunity to decide for him or herself if that's what he or she wants to do.
"Have you ever had to end a long-term relationship like this?"
Reason does not dictate necessity. In other words, you didn't "have to" end the relationship. If you had to it wouldn't have been a decision, so it's no wonder you feel bad about it because subconsciously you know it wasn't necessary but rationalizing allows you to consciously bypass the fact and come up with adequate excuses to be selfish in the meantime until you forget all about it, or at least, long enough to not feel guilty and be reasonably comfortable with a different piece of ass.
Your and his mutual selfishness don't cancel each other out, however helpful it might be to think so during the process of convincing yourself you made the right decision and that someone or something better is out there without having to put effort into making it a reality... because no one ever seems to stop and consider that maybe your ideal guy is perfectly compatible with you (i.e. just as selfish and unwilling or incapable of working through differences, so there's nothing to say a more compatible person might not actually lead to a worse relationship).
When your core beliefs include the belief that a person shouldn't change their core beliefs, you're pretty much ensuring that any differences whatsoever will inevitably result in breaking up being the right decision in your mind because no two people are the same... so if you believe you and the person are incompatible, it must be true... and that is the epitome of selfishness.
For example:
'I feel that we are incompatible and you don't, so we are incompatible.' = Breakup (selfish)
'I feel that we are incompatible and so do you, so we are incompatible.' = Breakup (mutually selfish)
Therefore it should always be the other person's decision to break up, otherwise you will always end up convincing yourself you made the right decision even when you didn't... because if you are right you are incompatible, and if you are wrong you are incompatible.
Make some red velvet cheesecake brownies. Eat loads of tacos. I think it's important to have these "what do you want" conversations often. When you first start dating to say a year later and so forth, deciding ahead of time that neither of you will be wasting your time. My boyfriend and I decided that we wanted a serious relationship. Then we decided that we want it to be a permanent relationship as in courting for a marriage one day. Now it's in the "can we tolerate each other" stage. Trying to go through our personality differences and what not. We've talked religion and morals. It's important to have these talks about important stuff throughout a relationship in case something changes. Whether it's sex or life goals, everything!
Anyway, you will make it through this. =)It's so tough, but you are so strong to have made that decision and to be sticking to it! Popcorn and chick flicks was always my remedy, and lots of time out with the girls. Good luck!
@ShirleyD@xanga - There is a such thing as red velvet cheesecake brownies?!
I must have them.
Tough decision... I cannot imagine having to make that, but at least on paper, it appears you have no choice. You want to get married and have a family. Maybe he'll change his mind, but not at this time.
Allow yourself to grieve this relationship. Then, find someone wonderful in those who are out there.
Good luck on your quest !!
Christy
See the One Year Rule... http://www.datingish.com/770945784/the-one-year-rule/
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "There is a such thing as red velvet cheesecake brownies?!
I must have them." AGREED!!
Off topic: Congrats on your teaching job! Teachers rock!
Since we're making How I Met Your Mother references, you and he may just be Ted and Robin. Totally awesome for each other, and awesome together, but they couldn't ignore the fact that they wanted different things out of life (as did Ted's parents). You're right that you can't change people--you have to accept them as they are and either deal with it (whatever it is that's bugging you) or move on. Different preferences = generally okay. Different core beliefs = generally problematic. It sounds like you made the tough choice, but the right choice.
Try those brownies, or a crapload of snickerdoodles (had some today--amazing!). Big hugs to you--you will get through this.
Sour patch kids, ramen, fried rice, and a hot cup of tea might help you feel better!! Also, when I have the blues, I bake A LOT! It definitely helps and you can always pass out the yummies to your friend and coworkers, especially those seasoned teachers who can give you lots of advice ;].
Sorry I can't give you any other advice though =/
I had to do the exact same thing, but we were engaged. We just wanted too many different things and I felt like I was the only one compromising. It's hard at first, but it gets easier. You may question your decision for a while, but whatever you do, don't go running back to him, and don't let him to convince you to take him back.
@cook0129@xanga - "I had to do the exact same thing..."
Had to?
"...don't go running back to him, and don't let him to convince you to take him back."
You're claiming things are necessary when clearly they are choices. If she 'had to' or 'has to' do anything in a relationship, the compulsory nature of her actions means it is pointless giving her advice because whatever the outcome is, it's inevitable.
People are so transparent.
this is the reason why my first love broke up with me, just about a year ago. at the time i was completely distraught and even after he explained that this was why we couldn't be together, it didn't click for me until months later. all i knew was that i loved him dearly and didn't want a future without him. i think the fact that he was my first also made it much harder, as i was so inexperienced in relationships that i just naively believed if two people loved each other then that was enough to make it work.
i can finally say now though that i do believe he did the right thing by ending it, because in order for us to work we would have both had to change so much of who we are and that's just not right. like @LaBellaMorena, i made the connection to ted and robin and since i absolutely adore that show, seeing how great they are as friends and how wrong they are together was one of the things that made it a bit easier to cope with. he may not see it now but with some time and perspective i'm sure he will understand, too. it is very painful, but as long as you know that you'll both be happier in the long run without each other then it's ultimately worth it and you just have to make it through the grieving period.
i find that while chocolate can't heal a broken heart, it does a hell of a good job of cushioning the blow. i eat chocolate everything, candy, cake, chocolate chip cookies. also, mac and cheese is a great one. basically anything that's deliciously bad for you is an excellent coping food.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I don't even understand half of what you're saying. but yes, I had to end things, for the sake of my own sanity. there were options, as with all situations, but I had to do what was best for myself.
6 years together and then you realize that you're leading different paths in life. I'd likely be depressed for years and/or angry that I wasted that much time. good thing I date pre-made guys lol sort of like tv dinners; you get what you see; he already has a career and everything else already built, not awaiting to happen. some people might want to wait but yeah, to each their own. I don't care much for food. shopping cheers me up. but I don't shop because I'm sad, but I shop when I'm happy, too. shopping is for all occasions
if they don't have money to shop, then eating is another option. I've been accustomed to not eating that much that when I do try to eat a little more than usual, I feel sick as if my stomach is rejecting the food, so when I overeat, I get diarrhea(TMI i know but i had to say it
) it wasn't me
I made decisions that made me cry my eyes out
after I let all of the emotions out, I felt better, maybe a year or so later
the love of my life didn't seem to care. later he professed his love for someone else, so what can you do. I guess he isn't the love of my life if it wasn't mutual. jason momoa should know better than to get married to someone else
This post makes a lot of sense to me. I mean, maybe not entirely focused on the differences in long term goals. But in differences in general. It seems like this decision was not something that was suddenly sprung on the other party. one doesn't know how vastly separate their desired endpoints are without having spent a lot of time understanding the next person.
And anyway, if you're not already married, and you really don't think that you can conform to their life, and they can't conform to your life, then why drag it out? That's where the hard feelings come in, I think.
Of course you don't have to break up; no one has to do anything. But is it really a better idea to stay and change who you fundamentally are, or who your partner fundamentally is, just because you want to be in a relationship?
Sounds like the times were good though. It should be acceptable to enjoy and be thankful for relationships that started, ended and always had been good. I don't think it was a waste.
In a marriage with kids, though-- I think you should suck it up and try and work through the differences.
On a side note, I see a lot of arguments about semantics.
@DenimPants@xanga - "But is it really a better idea to stay and change who you fundamentally are, or who your partner fundamentally is, just because you want to be in a relationship?"
If you got into the relationship to be in a relationship, no.
If you got into the relationship to be with that person, yes.
You made the decision you HAD to in order for you and your future. Everyone is different, so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. What you did is not wrong. You made the right choice for you and if you in your heart feel its right than you are respected for that. We only live once, and we need to make sure we are living the right way for ourselves to ensure that our life is happy.
Marriage and kids are a big difference. And at that point in your life you should find someone who wants the same things. Go after your dreams hun. Sometimes the person we are with isn't the right one. You can't make something right.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I don't have the energy to listen to you rant. But I'm curious what your answer would actually be for this situation.
Two people are together. Both have extremely different views on children. The man would be completely miserable and unsatisfied if he had children. The woman would be completely miserable and unsatisfied withOUT children. This is basically what the OP is talking about.
You seem to imply they should stay together regardless. But why? Neither will change, and if one DOES, they'll be completely unhappy. How is that fair either?
Why is everyone suggesting baked goods? I say skip all that and go straight for the wine. lol
I feel the same way about my ex, its a cruel joke that you can love someone SO much but that they dont fit in your life. Time heals all wounds though....even if it doesnt feel like it at first.
Huh, interesting last line... I know I've made the right decision if my gut DOESN'T feel like somebody ran a truck into me.
Hope it works out for you... the first year of teaching is a tough time to be single, that's a time where you need that support system. Start day at 7 am, attend a pre-class department meeting, teach all day, get yelled at by a parent or two, have an extracurricular or special ed meeting after school, then go to a workshop for new teachers... yea, that's a Tuesday. Support systems are good, I hope you have some besides your boyfriend.
As far as relationships go, I consistently make this same choice, so I can't critique it other than to say that if you want to pursue ideal goals, you need to be comfortable being alone, and quite realistic about the prospect of never finding the perfect match. That's a tough morning to wake up to, but I think it is necessary to make future relationships about the people, not about our personal desperation.
Lots of water, plenty of rest and ample but not excessive exercise... comfort foods is best that way. Don't play for rebounds, and don't look back. You've moved on. Now, you are in completely foreign ground. So, take some time, sure up your objectives for yourself and then start profiling. If you don't know how to profile, then join and online service that provides difficult to fake profiling--those tend to be fairly extensive surveys. People that study psychology can fake them, but psychologists probably want to meet people that are compatible and probably won't fake their preferences.
I went through a similar situation several years ago. I fell in love for the first time and it was wonderful for a while, but I eventually had to face the fact that we didn't share some essential values, and our views on life/what we wanted in life were also very different. We weren't together for nearly as long as you and your ex were, but letting him go was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was the best thing to do for both of us, and so I don't regret it. It sounds like this was the best choice for both of you, also, and you will be glad of it in a few years, I promise.
As for comfort food, I turn automatically to my chocolate pudding in these cases, but I would also recommend apples or applesauce. Apples have a special type of antioxidant in them that not only help protect you against disease, but also lift your mood and help you feel more cheerful. As someone said earlier, moderate exercise can really help you feel better, too.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I don't agree with your first comment, mainly because you come across as having this idea that every single relationship in the world would work if one singular person didn't ruin things, and that's simply not true. For example, the first quote you gave, you took it completely out of context. It wasn't like she was saying, "I wanted this, but he wanted this, so we're probably not meant to be together. We broke up." Instead, she was saying how throughout their relationship, they grew and developed together, and she had hoped he'd mature and want a family and a marriage and all that (because a lot of guys don't want to be "tied down" but eventually realize that having that special someone gone from their life is way worse), but that didn't happen. She also made it clear that she didn't make this decision for the both of them; she had a mature discussion with him and it ended in them breaking up. You don't know what took place in the conversation, so you have to right to judge her and try to pin the blame on her. Try and take a walk in her shoes for a second; you're in a relationship for YEARS, you're madly in love, you're growing up, ready to get married and have kids and spend the rest of your lives together.. and after sooo long, she's still in the same place you were when you got together, just looking to "have some fun". For (most) women.. this is like, the most heartbreaking thing ever. Because your lover, and your best friend, and the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, just doesn't want to grow up and do it with you. He wants to have his options. To not be tied down. He doesn't want the life you do. It's absolutely heartbreaking to know you've spent so long on a relationship that's not going to go anywhere.
Now, I do kind of agree with the comment I'm actually replying to (your reply to @cook0129@xanga). I don't know her circumstances for breaking it off with her fiance, and maybe it was the right decision for her, but sometimes guys have seen how their lives will be without the woman they love and come running back eventually. I don't think the OP should keep her hopes up waiting for that moment, but if he promises to change, and makes an actual effort toward changing, then yes, she should take him back.
Now, to the OP; I try not to eat a ton of crap when I'm depressed, because then I gain weight and only get depressed further, and I know a lot of women are the same. I always suggest this; spend a day weeping and eating brownie batter, get it out of your system, and then slap on the sexiest outfit you own, call up the girls and go to your favorite dive. Flirt, or just dance. Drink, or have conversation. The next day (or whenever), do something funky to your hair you've always wanted to do but may have passed off because of him. Get a mani/pedi. Go for a run and drink a bottle of good wine in your rattiest sweats while watching comedies. Don't look for reasons to stay in bed and cry, but find reasons to breathe and tell yourself you made a decision, and good or bad, this is your future now. Embrace it. Find ways to feel good about yourself, don't prolong the grief. It's not worth it. As for dating? I would put it off for a few months, give yourself an emotional break, but I always found a good flirt made me feel wicked hot. ;] And remember; you are strong, with or without a man, because you have to be whole before you can be a couple.
@Lost__In_My_Mind@xanga -
"I don't agree with your first comment, mainly because you come across as having this idea that every single relationship in the world would work if one singular person didn't ruin things, and that's simply not true."
Followed by:
"...if he promises to change, and makes an actual effort toward changing, then yes, she should take him back."
You try to push the idea that it wasn't either one's fault while at the same time saying he didn't grow up and if he would have done something differently the relationship would've worked out. People are not circumstances. So yeah, generally speaking, if every person is one person and a relationship that didn't work out consisted of two people, at the very least one of the two people ruined things. Because they both decided to end the relationship doesn't cancel out fault... it means they both ruined things mutually.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I never said it was neither one's fault. Sometimes you can't pinpoint who's at fault, mainly when you're reading a one sided story off a blog. But breaking up isn't really about playing the blame game, anyway (or at least, it shouldn't be). Sometimes you just have to accept that things don't always work out, and move on, instead of excessively over-analyzing them. Learn from the mistakes you made, grow and change, and one day try again. You never know which relationship will be the right one, but when you've exhausted everything you have and are still in the same place in a relationship that you were 6 years ago without any hope of moving forward, it's a good sign it's time to move on.
You say people break up because one person is selfish, but isn't every person inherently selfish? Even good deeds are selfish because we do them to make ourselves feel good, even if that's not the conscious intent. So maybe every relationship is selfish and every break-up is selfish, but at a certain point you have to think about yourself, your needs, your wants and your future, especially when the person you're in love with doesn't want to see themselves in it.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Also, maybe people aren't circumstances, but relationships are, and they're based on circumstance. Again, I'll use the example I did before. The OP and her boyfriend are in a long, meaningful relationship. She's grown up and wants to start a real, adult life, get married and have kids, all that. Her boyfriend doesn't want that. He's either stayed in the same place emotionally, or has decided he just never wants that life. They are no longer compatible for each other because neither wants to change their views. This is the current circumstance of their relationship, resulting in termination. However, if his circumstance changes, and he decides he's in love with her, never wants to be without her, wants to get married and have kids, they could hopefully get back together and further their relationship. On the same note, if circumstance changes for her, and she decides she loves him enough to keep trying, or decides she doesn't need kids or marriage, then again, they'll likely end up back together. It doesn't mean the break-up was through the "fault" of anyone. It's called human beings growing, developing and changing as they become adults, and it's perfectly normal.
Of course, this rule does not apply to the people out there who are just completely fucking nuts when it comes to relationships. After all, there are exceptions to every rule.
@Lost__In_My_Mind@xanga -
"I never said it was neither one's fault."
http://youtu.be/kWVWNri4IFM?t=29s
"It doesn't mean the break-up was through the "fault" of anyone."