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I've been seeing this guy for nine months. The last three months have been bad and I cant put my finger on it but he is drifting away, I can feel it.
He says he is a loner and wants to do his own thing; he doesn't want to be a surrogate dad to my kids. I never asked or expected him to. He is 41 with no kids, I'm 39 with 3 kids. I really like him and compared to the other guys, he just feels like my equal. I know he is scared but I don't know how to reassure him.
Please help!
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Comments (25)
Ummm. Are you deaf? He said he doesn't want to be a surrogate dad. I'm sorry woman, 9 months is seriously not a lot of time to want to make a commitment to someone with children especially when you don't have your own. However, it is enough time to know that it isn't what you want. You may want him to be that man for you, but move on. You may not be looking for him to be there for your kids, but face it, you are now a package deal. If in the future he wants to be more serious and more committed to you, he is going to have to be a part of your kid's lives. That is reality. You'll meet other men that you like that aren't loners, not wanting a commitment (digging for excuses/reasons you can hear), or not willing to become a part of a family. However, I am sure there will be someone else that can tell you what to do if you want to keep pursuing him.
He's like me. I do not want kids, not here.
My magical crystal ball comes out, and I see they would have no future.
People try to force me into a life of misery, but nothing is going to change my decision.
You should honor his desire because that's how he feels. I'd break it off before it gets sloppy.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - "...9 months is seriously not a lot of time to want to make a commitment to someone with children especially when you don't have your own. However, it is enough time to know that it isn't what you want."
Self-sabotaging female logic.
'I don't know you well enough to say whether I like you when things are going well, but I'll contradictorily say I know you well enough to not like you when I'm not happy.' and similar shit.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You don't have kids and I don't think 9 months is long enough to want to make a commitment to somebody else's kids. I know it isn't for me. Being a role model for a child is serious commitment even more so than making a decision that you want to dedicate your life to another person. It shouldn't be taken lightly be the parent or the person in the relationship. However, it is enough time to decide I fucking hate your kids and I don't want a part of your package. No double standard. I'd say the same thing to a guy. Don't lump me in with other chicks and I won't do the same to you.
and that so called female logic bullshit makes no sense to me. so try it on someone else.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - "and that so called female logic bullshit makes no sense to me. so try it on someone else."
Umm... you took the words right out of my mouth.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I know. You wish you could be as logical as me.
Eventually people will learn when something just doesn't feel right, it's because it ISN'T.
Like it or not, you and your kids come as a package deal. He obviously doesn't feel like he can commit to being with someone who has three children, and it's better he learns that now before your kids get too attached to him.
reassure him of what? That you know his mind better than he does?
I have kids (now grown) and I would not get with someone who had young kids, because I don't want to deal with all that. Plain and simple. Yes, I would rule someone out as a partner if they had young kids, huge dogs, drug issues. It's my right to draw my own boundaries.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - In a 9 month old, uncommitted relationship, not being happy is a logical reason to walk, as is not wanting to be surrogate dad to someone's kids.
That being said, there are many things other than logic at work in sexual/romantic relationships. Whether or not you think there should be doesn't alter that reality. Ignoring that reality is illogical.
@ccccourage@xanga - Logic accommodates reality. If it happens, it is logical, if it doesn't happen, there is a logical reason it didn't happen, and with the right logic, anything can be made to happen.
Smack him across the face, then quickly kiss him. Then pull away and look deep into his eyes and tell him that you love him. Make sure he sees it in your eyes. If this fails, well.., can't say you didn't try.
You need to back off and quit pushing him. Either enjoy your time with him the way it is, or break up and find someone else (in that order please). YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM. Sorry for the all caps, but I wish women would understand that you can't change your man, just enjoy him the way he is.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You DO understand that Mr Spock is a fictional character, right? If you truly believe that humans are capable of understanding reality enough to actually be able to follow the "logic" of it or that the operational standards of the Universe ARE what a human would consider logical...ok, but then I have little else to say to you.
If you are willing to concede that "logic" may not be what evolution "intended" when it comes to matters of the "heart" (oh those wacky hormones...) on the other hand it is very very logical as well as evolutionarily beneficial for one man to reject to putting his time and energy into the care and keeping of another man's genetic output.
Telling a guy he's "scared" or "afraid of commitment" in this instance is basically trying to manipulate him into thinking his legitimate concerns are rooted in nothing more than emotions or stereotyped responses (kinda like gaslighting). It's a common shaming tactic that I've seen women - and some men - use on potential SO's/spouses as a way to emotionally manipulate a person into forging a relationship.
It's a perfectly legitimate, and in my opinion, a prudent decision, to think twice before jumping into a relationship with a single mother. It's not that single mothers are necessarily undesirable, but going from a life with no kids to a family life so quickly is not an easy transition and involves responsibilities that a person may not be ready or willing to handle at the moment.
You may say that you don't want to ask or expect him to take care of the kids, but the future is uncertain and he has no reason to take your promises seriously at the moment (9 months is not a long time). He cannot afford to be as shortsighted in this case and assume you won't foist your kids upon him later on down the road.
If he is drifting away, let him go. There are plenty of other men out there who may think differently about you and by waiting for him to change is mind, you're only wasting time.
Be sad, then move on.
@ccccourage@xanga - A woman is another man's genetic output, but men seem to have no problem putting their time and energy (among other things) into the care and keeping of them, as much as a man is another woman's genetic output to a woman.
Just because something is "logical" that doesn't necessarily mean it is "right" or it is the only option, nor does some action satisfying a desire rather than a need for actions that can be passed off as self-preservation make them logical.
You're confusing "logical" with some sort of justification for (in)action... it isn't.
Natural and sexual selection are secular religions. People inadvertently create self-fulfilling prophecies when they think some external force or property of the universe justifies actions that hurt others physically and/or emotionally for their own benefit.
he doesn't need reassurance
he doesn't want to have anything to do with your kids.
find someone else. he "just feels like my equal" (lame) and i want to "reassure" him (you are really selfish). people who don't want kids or want to deal with them should not have to, it is bad for everyone all around. this is also probably his way of saying he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - What a nice, well-reasoned argument! Clearly not getting laid is doing wonders for your internet time :-p
@phoebester@xanga - Not "getting" laid? I don't 'get' laid, I do the laying... and I have my reasons for choosing to not.
I have to agree with most ppl here, all I can say is it would take something special for me to consider being a dad to someone elses children. My standard policy is if a woman has kids, it's just too damn complicated. Single mums are normally great chicks just we all make our bed and we all have to accept the responsibilities that entails. I can tell you where the weight lies with choice of whether to commit to something like that and it lies ALL at the feet of the guy. F#CK THAT!! Piece of advice ladies....don't get knocked up and then maybe your life direction can be the way you wanted it otherwise suck it up and concentrate on the upbringing of your kids.
Sounds like a bit of a douche. I mean, it's great if you're a loner and like to date around, but to hook someone in, have a long-term relationship and then one day say, "Whoa, never mind!" is so sleazy.. I would talk to him about his fears, but if he remains adamant and you both don't want the same things, break up. Just because he feels like your equal after being in a relationship for so long doesn't mean you're going to end up together ultimately.
Well, I get that he doesn't want to be a surrogate dad but that doesn't explain his resistance and distance you feel. A good guy, whether he wants kids or not, will at least try and get along with them because they are important to you and you are important to him.
Or MAYBE he's decided that you and your family aren't right for him.