There comes a point in almost every relationship when it's time for the dreaded event: meeting the parents. Or the family. And there's nothing worse than feeling unprepared when it comes to an event that is already anxiety and stress inducing! On the bright side,
there are definitely ways to ease this situation. Don't speak too much about yourself, but try not to be too quiet. In the beginning, you should engage in conversation but be careful not to dominate. You don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
2. Make good eye contact. Often when people are scared, they avert eye contact. However, the ability to make eye contact shows trust and comfort. If you're clearly feeling a bit uneasy, so will everyone around you. An easy way to feel safe and comfortable is to make good eye contact.
3. Don't dress too sexy. Of course you want to look good, but not to the point of being judged. Use the four finger rule. Place four fingers below your clavicle bone and don't go below that for modesty! Dressing inappropriately is easy to avoid and is a definite turn off that's just not worth it.
4. Don't engage in any PDA. Perhaps there's a time and place for public displays of affection, but the first time with your SO's family isn't it. Most likely, it'll just make everyone feel weird, and that's evidently not the goal!
5. Ask questions. Just like they want to know about you, you probably want to know about them-- and people like to talk about themselves! Assuming it's going well, be sure to ask the SO's family members about themselves in a natural way. Just inquire about things you're genuinely curious about!
6. Go with the flow. If there's a decision being made, for example about where to go to dinner, just try to be flexible! There's nothing wrong with speaking up, but show them that you're the kind of person who is accommodating and easy going. That's never a bad thing!
7. Be polite. You never know who really cares about manners and expressions like "thank you" and "please." A little politeness could go along way and it's pretty easy to slip in there.
8. Be yourself! Most importantly, if you're trying too much of anything thats unnatural, it'll show. Relax and be yourself, and if your SO loves you, chances are their family will too!
What do you guys think? Do you have more suggestions for meeting the family for the first time?
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Comments (16)
I would add "Stand up for yourself & what you believe" if someone tries to dis you or put down your beliefs. You can do it without being disrespectful. I say this because my "mother" in law was horrible during our first meeting. She told my now husband that I was too quiet, I was a trifling bitch & I was only with him for money (right....). Then after that it went downhill but I still tried to be respectful because we were renting the basement of the house.
I still tried to be nice & when we told her she can go with us to our wedding (we went to city hall), she showed up in white to try & upstage me but the joke was on her because I didnt wear white. Then she had a nasty attitude over it, probably because my husband wouldnt back out. Her craziness reached its peak when she called the police because we had a disagreement with her but she was acting so erratic that the cop realized she was lying & told us not to worry about it. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldnt take her shit anymore & I left there. I told my husband he can either go with me or find us another place to live while I stayed with my mom out of state because I wasnt living in a house paying rent & I cant have basic renters rights & respect. We ended up moving out all our stuff & going to my mom's. We only have a room & most of our stuff is in storage but we pay rent there & we have more privacy. Plus we're not bothered every night over bullshit. Now MIL's calling both of us wanting us to come back & asking how the baby is when before she didnt give a shit. She misses her monthly rent.
I understand not everyone will hold hands & skip off into the sunset but respect & understanding goes both ways. Just because someone is older or have a different POV doesnt mean they have the right to bully you or get in the middle of your relationship.
I find it better introducing someone as a friend first to the family. Then there wouldn't be so much pressure to impress the family once they already know the person after a while since they know them as a friend to their son/daughter first. Later on you can spill the news to the family that you're dating that person instead of everything happening all at once.
Don't have sex in front of the family.
Pretty much act like you are on a "first date" which you sorta are, but leave out the sexy part.
Don't meet the family. Seriously. If I was into dating, I wouldn't introduce my date to my family because they suck, and chances are I wouldn't want to meet their family either. Ugh, the whole idea of "family" makes my skin crawl, really.
I just went out of state for a week for the holidays at my boyfriends parents home. It was out in the wilderness where the nearest town was 45 min away and it was just a gas station. SO! I got loads of quality time with them. I would say be yourself and help out as much as you can because they are welcoming you into their home (so it's just polite). I got left alone with his mon constantly, for hours at a time. I just felt out her personality and felt lucky I could like her lots!! She even said the L word to me when I left! Making a good impression helps.
Participate. Especially if you go to a family "event" like a reunion or holiday instead of just a single meet-the-parents type of night. Often these family gatherings have board games, bocce ball, hot dog grillouts, or whatever it might be... get in and participate! One of the worst experiences I remember was when my brother brought home a girl for thanksgiving who refused to 1) eat any of the food 2) play any of the games 3) go out bowling with the family 4) go out to the par-3 with the family and 5) help clean up after any of the meals. Nobody took a good impression from that... just try and be part of the experience, even if it is something you don't do all the time.
This is a good list! Although even with four fingers, I still have cleavage, which I don't like to show at all usually. That is what you get for being a 32 DD I guess. Arg. I wish I had small boobs :)
I think just about all of this applies to anytime you see your SO's parents. Some parents feel differently than others about PDA (I mean, both of ours are okay with us displaying mild PDA but we aren't about to get down in front of them either) but otherwise just being a good person in front of them is all you have to do. I agree with the poster who says to stand up for what you believe in and don't be fake. My boyfriend's family was very homophobic and some time down the line (much later than my first meeting with them) they found out I'm bisexual. It was a pretty big deal but I never stood down because I've always been taught and strongly believe in standing up for what you think is fair and right. Now, they've come around. Granted, this was about six months ago and it did take time. We're back on great terms and we go there for holidays, they come here, etc.
This is a great list, but I think it could use that fine tuning of also maintaining your own personality and opinions. You may be trying to make an impression, but they'll appreciate individuality too. My Inlaws ended up telling me that they appreciated being around someone so unique (i'm a southern liberal, go figure?) and different that helped widen their views.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - I agree with this. One thing I regret in my (now over) relationship this past year was letting my ex's mother (and her boyfriend) disrespect me so much. The first time we met (at a restaurant), she walked in and yelled at us over something stupid, then gave me an unprompted "warning" that she'd be on my ass if I ever hurt her daughter. After that, it was a stream of them telling me what to do with my life, staring me down, and not even having much interest in me as a person. I mean, they were hospitable, but at the same time, just... strange.
My parents, however, were nothing but respectful to her.
So it's a point of mine to let the next potential girlfriend know that her parents have to be respectful of me, otherwise things are going to be complicated.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - @Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - I think it's great you both shared your stories. I think there's this huge expectation put on a person to get along with an SO's parents, and if that person doesn't impress, they're usually frowned upon instead of the parents taking any blame. I'm really sick and tired of that. As they say, "It takes two to tango", though sometimes families are so overbearing, they're just tangoing with themselves!
A guy I dated in high school a handful of years ago had an overbearing, religious, verbally abusive mother and an alcoholic, abusive father. At the time, I had green hair. She had one look at me and decided two things: 1) that I was a "bad influence" on her son, and 2) that I needed "saving".
I always dressed modestly (I've never really been comfortable with showing skin on a day-to-day basis), I was always respectful, and I attempted many times to make polite and comfortable conversation. However, she always forcefully invited me to church (even going so far as to almost insist to my mother that we HAD to join them for Mother's day?! Needless to say, we didn't go), she insulted my mother's parenting ("She's too much of her friend and not enough of her mother" and petty things like that), and even had the nerve to search my bag, notebooks, and sketchbooks one day without my knowledge or consent. She had my boyfriend's brother log into my boyfriend's social media accounts and stalk my pages for information since I kept it all private.
He never stood up for me ONCE. Not a single time. I dumped his ass after a year of that torture. Turned out he was just like both of his parents. When I look back, I really wonder what made me try so hard.
I think what helped me & my husband was that we met our families after we got engaged. My mom is the only one happy & supportive of us on my side. On my husband's, it's his dad & sisters. Friends of course are happy for us.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - Well, I also come from an abusive situation, so at the time I had no frame of reference for what was OK and what wasn't. My normal mental state was "fuck you" to all parental-type figures (except, weirdly, my mom), so I guess I kind of just expected to feel that way, though I really, honestly hid that feeling from his mom until she started to take it too far.
I think it was an important experience for me because it sort of put things into perspective. I became aware of how unhealthy my relationships were if I was willing to tolerate such abuse of my personhood for so long. I also think it's really easy for a lot of people to compromise themselves when in a relationship. Mix that with the fact that most of us have had questionable parenting as an outline for how relationships should work, and I believe we have a lot of people who lose themselves and put up with a bunch of crap they shouldn't.
Nobody is meeting my family until we're about to be engaged.