Everyone is familiar with the age-old saying,
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." It infiltrates movies, books, TV shows, music, and perhaps even real conversation between couples. The saying is oddly definitive, and from what I've observed, polarizing.
My friends seem to either wholeheartedly agree, or strongly disagree with the sentiment. But I am unsure where I stand. On the one hand,
it may take a certain kind of person not to cheat, so we can presume that one who would cheat, might be capable of doing it again. By this logic,
it is not to say that everyone who has cheated will definitely cheat again, but rather they are capable of doing so again, because their values aren't necessarily strictly against it-- or at least their values are bendable in practice.
At the same time,
people make mistakes, and it seems unfair to hold someone to any one mistake they've ever made without exception. What's missing in this statement for me is the element of forgiveness and regret. Perhaps someone cheated, and it is their biggest regret in life. Does the saying still apply then?
People ultimately will always make mistakes. The question is, are we able to learn from our mistakes enough to not repeat them? Is who you are at one point in your life who you always will be, or can you evolve and change?
These are the questions that make it hard for me determine if I believe that if someone cheats once, they will always be a cheater. Just like that. No turning back.
So, I ask this question today to try and reach some clarity on the mater. What do you all think of the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Does it hold true in your mind or in your life? image source
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Comments (27)
I'm still waiting to find out for certain. I'll get back to you when I do.
speaking as a person who has cheated on multiple other people in the past, no. I am happily married now, and have never cheated. But my husband is my first serious relationship I haven't cheated on. It definitely took the right person who gives me what I need emotionally and physically. All of my cheating was also from the age 16-20, so maybe also the fact that I have grown up and faced my mental issues has helped. But yeah, people can change. Some people don't, some people do.
Sounds like something you have to figure out on your own and just come to a resolve. Then, stand by your beliefs (integrity) while being open minded to another's belief (open mind) so that it may shape your character.
Fortune cookie answer.
I don't know correlations or statistics, but I'd imagine those who cheat are more likely to become serial cheaters in the future. As for probability in individuals: I think it depends on whether or not a person validates his or her behavior and learns from it; or doesn't. Every relationship is different and people are driven to cheat for so many reasons (and some for none at all) that it's impossible to draw a broad conclusion, methinks.
I cheated on someone years ago....now I am married but in an open marriage. Cheating isn't really an option.
Would I stll be a cheater if my marriage weren't open? I'd like to say no but I can't with 100% certainty.
My mom cheated on my dad, and as far as we know hasn't cheated since she married my step-dad. It's definitely not a black and white issue.
I'm more likely to have a long term crush turned affair than a one time cheating thing
that says a lot about my horny schoolgirlness but not necessarily mean that I'll be a cheater. I never had an affair before. it isn't something that I plan. who really knows if I'll make an exception for my crush
does talking to my crush and joke around with him and having a good time laughing count as cheating? if so, I'm currently a cheater
we don't make sexual innuendo jokes nor have we actually hung out. I see him for less than a minute each day but I look forward to seeing him appear randomly. if having crushes is cheating, then I'm a serial cheater as I have crushes on many guys. most of them don't know it though, except maybe one
I haven't told him directly but I think he knows
although I give hot/cold signals, so he might not know. I don't think I'll physically cheat though. I love the built up suspense that's building up inside because I can't have him. I find myself giggling when I'm thinking about him. they aren't sexual thoughts but just random funny things that we've said to each other
we're like innocent kids teasing each other on the playground except we're actually professional adults. it is silly and entertaining. my bf gives me similar feelings, so it isn't like I'm missing out on anything that I don't have with him. I'm a greedy schoolgirl
This is the 5th time I've seen this question on datingish this year..
I hate that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' logic as much as I hate the phrase, 'getting tattoos are addictive.' --
I agree with you, I think that someone who cheats most likely had the predisposition to cheat in the first place and those are likely to continue cheating but that doesn't mean all people who cheat will repeat the action.
I believe in second chances. Without them, my life would have been terrible. I haven't cheated, and haven't has the temptation to, but I can sympathize with those who might and regret it.
People who cheat regularly though (more than 3 or 4 times to different partners), I say they won't change
Of course it's all up to the individual. I certainly don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. However, I don't think I could ever trust a past serial cheater, unless the guy really proves me something remarkable.
For the most part yes...if you are a betting person, then you'd be betting safe on people's bad habits and indiscretions.
Depends on the state of mind and perspectives on life a person has, despite whether or not they had cheated at least once or not at all. How we view life and how our mental condition is have an effect on what we do and/or how we deal with things in life, even something like to cheat or to not cheat on someone. Things like this aren't things that we can easily see, so if you are unsure about the person that you're with with could cheat on you, or you on thing, take a step back and consider perspectives in life and mental condition first of those involved, and then you'll know. The hard part of course is to figure out the life perspectives and mental conditions of those involved, even your own.
I think it's significant that every man I've cheated with knew I was in a relationship. They didn't have to worry about actually carrying a relationship with me, and when they'd had enough, they could use the "well, I feel badly because you're in a relationship" line to back out and look like a hero.
I'm messed up when it comes to men. Super unhealthy. Therapy hasn't changed this. It's really a messed up cycle of paranoia.
I think people are perfectly capable of cheating, and then stopping. I've cheated on multiple partners in the past, and then had relationships where I didn't cheat at all. I simply made the decision.
Likewise I have been cheated on a couple different times. Most recently by my current boyfriend while he was in the Army and we were long distance. But we're still together and I'm not experiencing any trust issues. He made a mistake, but he came home to ME. That's what's important.
There isnt a definite answer. People can choose to continue or stop cheating. I'm not the type to wait around and hope that I won't be cheated on by that person. We're allowed to have our own standards on whether or not w'd want to date a past cheater.cheating in the past may take a lot more trus/work to see how serious they are...I would give a person props if they discussed and revealed their cheating past to their current so's though.
For some they will never change. For others, when they grow up they stop cheating. I know of one person who is always helping the guy cheat. It's one thing if the guy intends to leave a girlfriend for her but he doesn't. He doesn't want a relationship with her. I know of two girls who do this where the guy doesn't plan on being with them. Those guys will never change. I cheated once back in 1999. Haven't done it since. Thanks! So that saying needs to die.
I don't think it's "once a cheater, always a cheater." It's more like, "If you cheated once, statistically speaking, you are more likely to cheat again than someone who hasn't cheated before."
To put it in perspective, what if a guy has punched one of his girlfriends before? You can't say for sure that he will punch every one of his girlfriends after that, but you can be sure that he is more likely to punch a girlfriend than a guy who has never done something like that.
all i gotta say is
"once is a mistake,twice is a choice."
Depends on the person.
Yes, its true if the person just doesn't care about the fact that they cheat. Both of my ex's cheated on me. Both of them were also abusive jackasses but thats besides the point. I've also recently learned that i was not the first, or the last person they cheated on. SO with them, yep. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Then you have the person who makes a mistake, and cheats. They learn their lesson (either by being forgiven or loosing their partner) and they change and never cheat again.
I think a cheater can change, if they want to.
I think you're right when you say someone who cheats won't necessarily do it again, but it shows that their value towards it is bendable. I dated a guy for years who ended up cheating on me, and then cheated on his girlfriend with me (neither of us knew he had either relationship). I broke off all contact because it was not the first time I questioned if he had cheated on me, but the first time I gave him the benefit of the doubt. She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, and within a month of him cheating they got engaged. If he never cheats again, then, the statement isn't true for him, but I think he's value towards cheating is very bendable. If he isn't getting what he wants out of relationship, he'll cheat to get it with someone else. I don't think every person who cheats ALWAYS cheats, but I think they're more likely to do it than someone who hasn't.
definitely not. and i absolutely hate the sentiment that it is always true. there's a difference between cheating all the time and then making a one-time mistake. i was in an on and off relationship for 3 years. in the first year of it, i cheated on him with a close friend. after things actually got serious and we got over the bullshit, i never cheated again. it's just up to the person to choose to grow up and stop doing it. cheating doesn't "just happen" and should never be used as an excuse.
It depends, I think. If you're wrapped up in an emotional moment with your partner and cheat out of heat of the moment, hopefully you can control yourself enough to see the detrimental effects of doing that to a person and keep it in your pants in the future.. but, for example, my brother has always had to have someone to move onto, so he has cheated, but he stays in a relationship way past the point where they've already lost the love for each other & are now just at each other's throats, until he finds someone else to date. I believe he'll always be like that, but I hope I'm wrong, especially now he's married.
when i cheated in the past, it was out of hatred and revenge. I felt like shit when I did it and now I know better. If my husband cheated on me, I won't cheat on him for revenge - I'll just make his life miserable in other ways :)
Speaking as someone who has been cheated on by 7 men out of the 8 minor to serious relationships I've been in, my answer is YES. Once a cheater always a cheater. But this doesn't leave you without options, my current boyfriend cheated on me twice two years ago. So if the cheater is truly desperate to maintain the relationship they have with you, and if you closely watch them, and regularly remind them about how much you were hurt by their actions -it can be prevented from reoccurring. But there has to be real apology and reconciliation involved, not empty promises of "Oh, I won't ever do it again baby." because words don't mean anything, actions mean everything. If you even want to consider staying, you must first ask yourself if you really love them. Because if you only have strong affections for them, just leave. There are plenty of faithful and more worthy men out there.
/yawn
This is the umpteenth time I've seen this topic posted here this year.