Sunday, 09 December 2012
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Being Second Best
I've read a lot of entries on here about girls worrying that their man will eventually wind up with a girl who is just a "friend" and break up with them. There is this guy that I like and even he is second best to a girl who has a boyfriend who isn't him. I can tell they like each other a lot and they flirt immensely, always taking each other's food and stuff and looking through each other's phones...touching each other's hands in a flirty way, and I'm thinking, doesn't she remember she has a boyfriend? People would think they were the ones who were together if they saw them.
I know she remembers she has a boyfriend; she brought him up in the car during a conversation about something but then she proceeded to get all cuddly with said guy who isn't her boyfriend, who is also the guy I have a thing for. They always hang out alone, too, and they find nothing wrong with that. I do find something wrong with that when they're flirting like crazy and she's taken by someone else.I decided I deserve better than being a second priority to a "girl" who is just a so called "friend" even though she has a boyfriend. I'm all for balancing friends and a relationship, but I'd worry if a significant other is paying more attention to the opposite sex that's just a "friend" with potential to be more than paying attention to me, especially if I was his girlfriend.
Have you been in this situation being second best? Did you finally get out of it and found someone who would make you his/her top priority?
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- From: xinq@xanga
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Comments (38)
Have you been in this situation being second best?
No way. If he is all about someone else, then the SO really isn't an option. Ask if you want attention; but hardly might you expect that you'll become alone number one... that just isn't at all likely. He has an admirer. He likes it. If your feelings are hurt, then, realize you are putting yourself into a difficult, nearly impossible position. If you stay with this you are probably going to resent them both and they'll be living rent free in your head.
i don't get what you're complaining about when you and homeboy aren't serious anyway?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Who cares if it's serious or not? If you're trying to date someone and they have eyes for someone else constantly and not you then why would someone want to be in that situation and still go after someone who is going after someone else? Yet I keep seeing people time and again not leaving that situation. They hang around hoping they'll be the main person one of these days when all they are is second best and ever will be.
I don't know if he is second best to his female friend, but maybe that's the kind of relationship they have with each other, boyfriend or not; some people can be comfortable with these sorts of things. I get the feeling that you're not even second best to him, not to sound mean or anything. Still, you needed to move on, and seems like that's what you did.
For the second best feeling..., if a person is willing to put themselves through that, it's their decision, as long as it only affects them and no one else. My 2 cents on your question.
My idea of second best is an ex who had loved a girl before me. That was fine and all until one day he said if he was still living in his hometown, they'd still be together. He was still hung up on this female!!! Not to mention couldn't say I love you back when I said it (almost a year in). So that is second best. I broke that off for sure. Second best is no way to go. The only way it makes sense is if you got with a widower who lost their true love for example older gent with 3 kids loses wife in accident and dates years later. lol. That would be understandable that you'd never be #1 love. Yep.
But in your case, good for you. No point like a man who flirts like crazy with another and probably still would if you had gotten together.Atleast you removed yourself from the situation before your feelings could develop, those two are walking down a path that seldom leads to happiness. She has a relationship and from what you've said, she doesn't seem to respect it and neither does this guy you liked, they'll both end up disappointed one way or another.
"Have you been in this situation being second best? "
Sorry, I don't get into oversimplified situations.
Been through this before. Too many times. They're probably just waiting to date each other, but she doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend, because it would make her look like a bitch. Ugh. It's painful to watch, even if you're not involved.
Why would you try to be with someone who clearly has eyes for someone else? You'll just spend the entire relationship being insecure and paranoid.
I have crushes on some guys but they don't really know that I exist, thus there is no number. I haven't directly flirted with them or anything since I'm too proud
I won't give them the satisfaction of knowing that I have a thing for them
maybe some of them noticed me, but felt that I don't think they exist since I don't give obvious clues that I think they are cute
I don't really want anything out of it since I'm already in a relationship myself. I'm not sure if my crushes are in relationships though; I only know of one, who is married. I don't want to date any of them or anything. I just want to hear from any of them that they think I'm cute or whatever else. it would be interesting to know that they've been crushing on me the entire time that I've been crushing on them and that they've also been fantasizing about me
it would make my day if my boss crush said what I previously said to me. however, I'm not sure if I'd want to know or else it might take away the suspense and excitement of the unknown
yet I'm itching to know. hmm...but I know that he's also too prideful to let me know
that's what happens when egomaniacs are crushin on each other. nobody will ever know
not sure if that's a good or bad thing
Let them be... no point in dwelling on their situation. I don't understand those people either, but it's not worth my time trying to figure them out. :P
I have had 6 boyfriends in my home town and not kidding... Half of them cheated on me with the same girl..... Small town problems.. :/ And whores, always the whores... lol jk
@ShirleyD@xanga - wow that sucks. If a guy said that to me after I spent a year+ with him, I would have slapped him for wasting a year's worth of my time when I could have spent it with someone who wanted me as the first and only option. Those are the worst when they flat out say they're using you as a back up plan. They could have said something in the beginning!
There's this guy and I who hang out and we use each other as a back-up plan and I'm actually okay with that, but if a person isn't okay with it then that's just really wrong. Yep, I agree with the exception you mentioned.
If someone is second best here, it's not you. If you like this guy... be unselfish for a moment. He is the one being strung along by this girl. She friendzoned him because she likes him and the attention he gives her, but she's not sexually attected to him. She has her boyfriend for the drama she needs, and this guy for the closeness. I see it all the time.
Yes. It was very painful. My spouse. Married 34 years now. In the first part of our marriage he put his kids from his first marriage and his parents before me. I didn't handle it very well. I was nice to his kids and his parents, but his obvious preference killed me.
His parents are now gone to heaven, his children are grown with their own children and I know feel that I am first in his life...
It was worth the wait. I don't know if I would have waited if I ever experienced this again.
Sounds as if he was interested in this 'friend'. must have been very hurtful to you.. Kinda what Diana felt when she was the third wheel between Charles and Camilla.. doesn't work very well.
Christy
sounds like an awful lot of assumptions going on there. Do you know for sure that he wants something more than friends with her? If not, then my question is, why can't he just have that flirty friendship? That doesn't make a significant other NOT the first priority. gah, this topic always annoys me...
what if he's gay and comfortable being that way with women, and you just don't know that he's gay, and he chooses the other girl to be more girlfriends with than you
so you're jealous of the fact that a guy you like is flirting with another girl?
that's not even an uncommon problem in 'grown-up land'. it happens all the time, and getting over it is called cutting your losses, and is not worth a post about how you think the in-a-relationship-girl is a horrible person.
Ah...the hook.
What you don't realize is that you're on that boy's hook. That boy is on that girl's hook. And she is probably on someone else's hook.
So who's on your hook?
@greatredwoman@xanga - You seem to be focused on the fact that they're his kids "from his first marriage." You shouldn't. They're still HIS KIDS, and he would care every bit as much if they were biologically yours, too.
Also, being jealous over how well a guy treats his parents seems rather...odd. Unless he's actually banging his mom instead of you. Or he prefers to stay at their house more than 50% of the time, even when they don't need help or when they aren't ill.
@math_music_me@xanga - "The flirting is completely wrong especially when she has a closed relationship with someone else not him." She is TAKEN therefore she SHOULDN'T be all flirty with guy who ISN'T her boyfriend if she actually respects her relationship which clearly she doesn't. If she was single she can flirt as she pleases, she's taken, by someone else not guy I liked. What isn't there to get?
@dynamicstars@xanga - Don't complain then if you have a SO who starts flirting with other people and you get annoyed by it or even a person you really like who does the same, because flirting is just "harmless" even when someone is in an official relationship, apparently.
@xinq@xanga - as long as neither person in a relationship is bothered by their partner flirting then yes, it's totally harmless.
for all you know, the girl's boyfriend is well aware of her flirty relationship with the guy you're crushing on, and being a secure human being who trusts his SO, he's okay with it. just because you think that someone in a relationship who flirts with others is a bad person doesn't make it a
truth for all relationships.
@dynamicstars@xanga - see
tbh, if both parties are okay with the flirting and letting it slide.
then the relationship isn't that serious to begin with. flirting isn't
all that "harmless." it can actually be emotionally cheating. and in
that case, if you want to flirt around with other people go ahead...but
why have a boyfriend while doing it? I mean you must not like him THAT
bad because for some reason you don't wanna be tied down (( general
speaking )) you know what I mean?
Just because someone is
uncomfortable with cheating doesn't mean they aren't secure enough. Its a
respect thing. If you have enough balls to cheat on someone that you
know is taken, it kinda shows you don't have much boundaries. Flirting
may be "naural" (( omg I hate that word since it's different for
everyone )) but its a lot more harmless in a manner where someone is
SINGLE. It makes it worse when someone KNOWS their taken but their
butting their nose in it anyways. That's a respect thing, not really so
much an insecure thing.
That's just MY opinion.