Saturday, 08 December 2012
-
Having Doubts Before Marriage
I am engaged to be married. It has just recently occurred to me how much that implies. It means I’m off the market. Taken. Betrothed. Spoken for. Promised.My friend from work has just sparked a new budding romance with a mutual acquaintance. I have to admit, I’m a little jealous of the way she lights up at the thought of him and how giddy their flirtations make her. I miss those feelings of a new, fresh beginning with so much potential. The friend from work told me her new special someone happened to wonder why I hadn’t asked for his number. Of course she responded with the news that I’m already in a committed relationship. Is it wrong of me to wish he didn’t know?
I get the feeling this certain guy was interested in me to some extent, or else he never would have made an inquiry about why I hadn’t made any advances. It’s flattering to think he finds me attractive, but now that he knows I am unattainable, is that allure destroyed? Even though I’ve already found the one man I want to spend my life with, it feels good to still know I can turn heads and catch a man’s attention. I don’t want that flattery to dissipate because of a ring around my finger, but at the same time I don’t want to come across as flirtatious either.
This all made me wonder, am I ready to get married? Am I ready to kiss goodbye the butterflies of exciting first encounters? Can I let go of my desire to be wanted by other guys? When it comes down to it, I think so. I realize that even though I miss the thrills of dating, I wouldn’t trade my fiancé for anything. He is my home, my comfort, my protection, my safe haven, and my security. While I’m jealous of my friend’s infatuation, she is jealous of my stability. She envies the love I have found that I can put faith in, instead of always hanging on every word.
What do you think? Is it normal to want flirtatious attention from other men right before getting married? To what extent?
image source
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: mayzellerose@xanga
- Name: Mayzelle Rose
- About Me: I love writing. :) You're here because my writing seduced you.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 7738 Comments: 0 85 View all posts by mayzellerose@xanga
Comments (24)
I think (most) people will want to feel desired/attractive to the opposite sex, no matter what stage of a relationship he/she is in. I think as long as the person doesn't overstep the boundaries of their relationship then they're fine.
The giddy infatuation period is thrilling but so goddamn short. Hardly worth risking a lifelong relationship over. I think you get all this. I would say all your feelings are natural.I couldn't give less of a fuck how attractive women find me, which I suppose implies to some extent that I must be either very attractive and get enough attention or hopelessly ugly to feel that way. Either way I have more important things to worry about than girls' opinions. It's a shame I'm not insecure enough to crave attention then subsequently enjoy it when I get it, though.
My advice? Dump him and move on, of course... there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Wow...that's a loaded question. If you have doubts, maybe more time is required for you to be sure this marriage is what you want. Just my view...but what do I know? I've been married 3 times; I call them Plantiff number one, Plantiff number two, etc.
It's natural to want to be found attractive by others. It will happen regardless if you're with someone or not, people flirting with you. What you do if they
flirt with you is on you however. Marry this guy if his love and attention means more to you than all these men who are eye f*cking you. Do not marry this guy if you crave other mens attention more than his. Your fiance deserves your appreciation, not you discrediting his value.Oh, it's ridiculous how much I can relate to this!
I am also engaged and very very happy with my fiance. However, I just started a new job a few months ago and I can't lie - I like the attention from the guys at work. It's something about it being someone new and different from what you know and to be honest, I think it's completely normal.
I've actually talked to my fiance about this (he's great to talk to, knows how much I love him and doesn't get jealous) and he says,"I'm not stupid. You're a good looking girl, guys are going to find you attractive and it feels good to know you're attractive, but as long as it's nothing more than just something to boost your confidence sometimes, I'm not worried, because I know you love me and you always come home to me."
But I agree completely with the person who commented above me, if you want their attention more than your fiance's you are not ready to get married. Because I could be talking to the hottest guy on the planet and when my fiance calls, texts or shows up in person, he's the absolute only person I want to focus my attention on.
"He is my home, my comfort, my protection, my safe haven, and my security. While I’m jealous of my friend’s infatuation, she is jealous of my stability."
this is why (amongst many, many other reasons) i don't like doing serious dating. i don't like being in my comfort zone and i'm into girls who thrive outside of theirs.
by the way, who's the chick in the photo? cause she's got an incredible sense of style.
@lttlegel@lovelyish - Your fiance hit the nail on the head! Mine feels the same way. We have been happily married for a month next Wednesday because once I realized he's the only man who's attention I truly crave, we eloped!
i think its normal to want to be desired like others have said but my concern would be (and this really stood out to me)
"my comfort, my protection, my safe haven, and my security"I didn't hear you say that you come home to him because he's only person you want to come to. He's the person that keeps you grounded and makes you a better person or atleast balances you out in some way. I just heard that he's a safety blanket. Anyone can be your safety net, to me. I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it too much. I didn't see any butterflies when I read your description of your relationship, but no one knows your relationship better than you do.
Again though, it is normal to want to be attractive by another person's standards. I'm in a relationship and have been for just under 2 years now. I very much so enjoy when other guys or girls think i'm cute, hot, etc. I wouldn't pick up and go though, because my SO keeps me grounded when I need to be and picks me up when I'm stumbling. That's what's important to me. I can talk to him when I need to, and he'll let me breathe when I need to.
I guess to me, the question is, what's important to you in your soon to be marriage? Do you have everything you need from it? One thing to keep in mind is, nothing is going to change as soon as you have a ring on your finger or a marriage license.
I think it's perfectly normal, I feel the same way actually and I'm in the same position! I'm engaged and even though I've been in a committed relationship for some time now, I enjoy getting attention from guys. I wouldn't trade my fiance, like you said, for a chance with another guy. I think everyone likes to get attention, it reassures us that we're attractive!
I think those feelings are normal. At some point you need to ask yourself; are you more excited about where you're headed in the deepening of your relationship than you are anxious to "get back on the market"? I mean, the firsts are great, but they never last. Instead, your relationship blossoms into something better, more adult.
Again, though, these feelings are normal, and don't think that just because you're having them, you're making the wrong decision. Talk things over with your SO, tell him your doubts and fears. You're going to have to get used to being very open, so might as well start with this.
You are getting married.. you aren't dead... Of course its a bit of an ego boost to know that another guy finds you attractive and may be interested in you. Hey who doesn't like to hear that?
But what Im wondering is why you are letting this give you doubts?
Do you love this man? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
There is a darn good reason why I always suggest premarital counseling. A GOOD counselor will help couples get ready to deal with the interesting road that is marriage, and should also be honest with you if you are actually not ready to be married. This is what Im suggesting for you two.. if this is giving you doubts, then there might be some other underlying issues that need to be addressed.
If something so trivial as "being off the market" is what's giving you doubts, maybe you aren't ready.
It's normal to want to be desired by others. What matters is how you deal with it. So, think about it, and then deal with it.
There's nothing wrong with how you feel. You don't sound like you're ready and that's okay! I think you're going to feel even more insecure about it once it happens if you keep going along with the engagement despite your uncertainty.
There's nothing wrong with putting it on hold. If your fiance loves you, he will understand and be grateful that you were honest with him in admitting you aren't ready. If he's not understanding about that, then what else will he be disagreeable about in the future? It'd be good you know that before you sign a lifelong legal contract with him!
Also if you are as young as you look in your profile picture, you should probably wait until you grow up a bit more before getting married, anyway. Nobody knows until they've been there-- wait until you are financially and emotionally independent to settle down. You don't know what it's like to be an adult until you are one. It changes most people. I am with a very compatible boyfriend in an almost perfect relationship right now, but 5 years ago when I was still in college and not yet what I'd consider an adult, we probably wouldn't have been as compatible.
Since this was posted a month after you got married, we are probably all wasting our time giving our opinions.
I think most people want to be wanted.
But I also think it doesn't matter.
It is always nice to feel attractive! However, i think you should be happy knowing that even though a new romance is full of potential, you already have the best possible ending. Also, a marriage proposal is the ultimate compliment so just try to remember that. It's normal to long for the excitement, but it sounds like your fiancé wants to build a life with you. At the end of the day, that means more than any exciting maybe.
I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years. Everytime he enters the room I still get butterflies and we have so much fun together. Marriage is not a boring, stale state of exsistance as you implied. It isnt about choosing the safe choice-it's the one you want to share the rest of your life with; facing it all together. If that concept does not appeal to you then he certainly deserves better.
Jealous of your friends new beginnings? So it appeals to you to date a bunch of different men and start your story over...and over...and OVER again? Hi my name is, I like this blah blah.. instead of being with someone who knows you completely, your flaws, secrets etc and loves you for who you are? I think still wanting the attention of other men is incredibly immature.
I could give a shit less who finds me attractive as long as my husband still does and he's always by my side.
If you're appearances are important to you, that will not go away with marriage. You will continue to look your best, and therefore get attention from the opposite sex. A wedding ring doesn't usually stop a guy from flirting, or at least looking interested.
Dont worry... as long as you don't "let yourself go", you wll get the validation from men. Most importantly, you will have the ONE man you want forever. I'm sure he doesn't want you to stop getting male attention either. Men want what other men want... he most likely wouldn't notice if you looked less attactive until other men stopped checking you out.
A better idea may be to wait a while...a few years and see if your fiance is still the person you wish to spend the remainder of your days??
It is not a bad thing to look at others, but some of your statements say to me that you may not be ready to make the kind of commitment your marriage will require. My thoughts are that ...for you... it may not be the right time. And, there is nothing wrong with that.
Break off your engagement and experience more of life as a single person. You will be happy you did. !!!
Best of everything to you..and may you find the right person for you in the future...
men will still think you're attractive and chase you when you're married. don't worry. and you can still go out with your friends and flirt a bit, it doesn't have to end. but as for dating, remember how many people it didn't work out with? make a list of all of the goods/bads in your relationship vs the goods/bads in dating, and i'm sure your relationship and marriage will outweigh those positives of dating. i've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now, and yes, the infatuation is gone, but the love has evolved, and it's a lot more fun than just dating, starting over. think of the positives, and try to spice things up with your fiancé to remind yourself how awesome he is and how giddy he can make you feel.
Marrying mu husband was easy. I did not care about anyone else finding me sexually appealing. My husband loves me, he thinks i'm beautiful, he respects me, thats all I needed.
We've been together for 6 years, and he still occasionally gives me butterflies. :)
I love these comments! You guys rock! Just to let you know, the title of this post was changed from the original. I NEVER would consider what I felt to be "doubts" because like I said in the ending paragraph, I love my man and he outranks all others by a thousand or more. We're happily married now, and I wouldn't change that for the world! I married my BEST FRIEND. I just wanted to know it's okay to feel flattered when I do get attention from other men. And according to you fabulous readers, it's alright to still feel sexy in my skin when I get attention as long as I'm not the one flirting and over stepping my boundaries! Thanks for the insight! If you wanna hear how the married life is going, check out my blog. :) Have a great day, you guys!
Seems like you're being the typical woman. lol You don't know what you want and you assume the grass is greener on the other side. Be careful, or you can screw up something good.
Why we can't be content with someone is beyond me. Love is like a drug. People are constantly chasing after the high of it. When actually an old relationship can feel like that again if you take the time to work on THAT relationship instead of focusing on a different one. Every relationship feels new in the beginning. And then it gets to a comfortable stage. Its going to happen EVERY TIME. lol Do you want to spend the rest of you life like that? Looking for the next best thing? Or have a man who respects and cherishes you? Because eventually, it'll get tiring always chasing a high.
I think you should work on your relationship and get it back to feeling fresh again. I'd at least try before throwing it all away by selfish needs.
It's normal for any woman, in any relationship status. It's a part of who we are. What makes it right or wrong is what we do about it.
Sounds to me like you already know the answers to all of the questions you asked. Anything specific you want to know? :)