My friend called me the other day from college to tell me about a guy she recently became involved with. He took her on a picnic under a beautiful tree on campus and lit candles.
He's smart, romantic, he comes from a good family, he's good looking, sweet and caring, and... he has a girlfriend. At first I was taken back by that "little caveat." My friend then explained that
he is in an open relationship with a girl who is miles away, and now he is pursuing my friend. And she likes him. A lot. My number one concern is that I don't want her to get hurt, and this situation won't exactly help her steer clear of that possibility. However, after talking to other friends away at school, I realize that this phenomenon is not so uncommon.
Open relationships are more prevalent than one might think, and perhaps that is because they have the potential to be useful in many situations. For some, open relationships can serve as a transitional period, just postponing and easing an inevitable break up. For others, they can be a short term option, giving a couple time to explore other people and be sure that this is the relationship they want. And still for others, like for my friend's guy, open relationships are used during a time when a couple is doing long distance, for the duration of college or a job abroad, for example. To be clear, I am not talking about polyamorous love and relationships-- I am talking about relationships that are monogamous, except for the period of time in which they experiment in an open relationship.
The part that I struggle with, however, is the fact that this guy pursuing my friend didn't just get drunk at a college party and hook up her, which, while still might be upsetting to his actual girlfriend, doesn't necessarily jeopardize their relationship. Rather, he met her, had feelings for her, took her out for a nice evening, hooked up with her, and then talked to his girlfriend all night on Skype. Does being in an open relationship give you permission to do that? Something about it just doesn't sit quite right with me.
What do you guys think? What should the terms of an open relationship be? Is it okay if you develop feelings for someone else, or should all of the exploring be sexual and not platonic? image source
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Comments (19)
it's unclear to me how you drew the conclusion that he has feelings for your friend.
For rules on open relationships, it's whatever the rules you and your SO set for each other. If no rules are set, then it's technically fair game. This doesn't mean people won't get hurt, but that's how the relationship is set. People can opt out of the relationship if they don't like it, plenty of people out there.
It's not the type of relationship that makes or breaks a couple, but how the couples feel about each other and their ability to work well with each other to become a team, to become one.
It depends on the boundaries of the open relationship. Those boundaries vary depending on the couple. I'm not sure if he's compromising his relationship... because I don't know what their boundaries are. Neither do you, nor, apparently, does your friend.
How is your friend feeling about it? If she has feelings for him or is unsure of something, she should ask. If you're involved with someone in an open situation (whether it's entirely sexual, also platonic, or even romantic), I think it's entirely fair to ask what the limits are going to be. After all, they affect you too.
In my open relationship(s), I personally wouldn't be bothered by a significant other platonically as well as sexually exploring other people - but then, I'm not opposed to romantic exploration either because I'm polyamorous as well as open.
The terms of an open relationship is up to the people in it. If I were to be in an open relationship, anything outside the primary relationship would be sex only. It's not that I don't think I or my husband are capable of loving another person, but emotions make things complicated in messy.
Open relationships can also lead to STDs...not good.
If I were your friend, I'd stay away and out of sight of this guy. If a man told me he was in a open relationship, i'd think he's lying. Whether he's lying or not, it's obviously complicated between him and his SO. So staying away is a person's best bet- makes a person's life simpler.
@Tallman@xanga - No, stupidity leads to STDs.
I think that a) your friend is doing what she wants, and if she's old enough to be dating, she's old enough to look out for herself, and b) the terms of an open relationship are the business of the individuals involved, not outside parties.
The only rules in an open relationship are the rules that the original couple made when they agreed to it. Personally, I'd never get involved with someone in an open relationship just because I don't want to "share" my boyfriend with anyone - if I'm with them, I would get too jealous of other people and I would find it too difficult to handle. That's not say open relationships are wrong, they're just not for me.
I don't share. what is mine is mine and only mine.
however, I'll make the exception for jason momoa, but who wouldn't
*sigh* I want some of his khal drogo/tarzan sex. a second however is I'd prefer to be his main sex slave than be in an open relationship, but yeah, yet again, who wouldn't
they must be crazy if they wouldn't. psh.
People need to truly know the KJV bible. Joseph had two wives. He wrestled with God, and won. He even gave his two wives to Esau hope the gift as part of what he gave would stop Esau from being a rival. Joseph wanted Esau to be his friend
Having two girl friends is not bad not evil not a sin.. Society wants people to think it is, but that is not true.
Like people said above, whatever rules the people in the relationship set. Honesty and trust are the key factors to any relationship, whether its open, poly, or monogamous, so I think lying and putting other people you supposedly care about in danger would be the only deal breakers in an open relationship.
I'm in an open marriage. Meaning this isn't just a temporary arrangement because someone is far away or what have you....
Within the boundaries of my relationship I could have done exactly what this guy did. It's very likely that he's not being a jerk to your friend OR his girlfriend. The fact is, as far as we know, he was honest with her (and treated her to a nice evening). That's more than you get from a drunk hook up. If she can handle it, great.....if not....then that's perfectly okay as well.
@Tallman@xanga - Having sex one time with someone in an open or closed relationship leads to STDs. I know this girl who has had sex with only one person. The person she lost it to gave her herpes, she was pissed, especially since that was her first time.
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who said dating multiple people is illegal?
that uneasiness is a classic response of years of sub-conscious suggestion by the main stream media and society by and large to promote absolute monogamy as the only legitimate way of human love-sex relationship. it is all good except it doesn't really work for all and can cause psychological problems for many.
having said that, jealousy could be an issue, but since when do our civilization allow it to trump every other aspects of a relationship?
another issue is deception (i.e. cheating), which has been established as bad because trust is the basis of all human relationship. however, one does have to realize that cheating and infidelity are two very different concepts.
as for getting hurt, if one can go and observe how a baby learn to walk, then many aspects of life will instantly become less painful.
I think that dating today is too restrictive...like serial monogamy and everybody seems to want 'the one and only' to be put on that relationship.. Too much pressure. Too many failed hookups.. I think people should just date around and stick with someone who works... I cannot understand this dating practice now. .. Just a greenhouse for divorce, I think!!! People are staying with ppl they don't find attractive and staying with people and marrying them!! yikes.
Christy
They're all fucking adults and can do whatever the fuck they want. Don't presume to know what kind of relationship this guy has with his girlfriend or with your friend, just because you heard one story about him.