I was in a relationship for close to 7 years with a man who didn't want to commit. He rarely said "I love you," and was never romantic. If he wanted sex, instead of kissing me, he commonly tickled me. One Valentine's Day, I asked for something shiny and expensive (alluding to an engagement ring). He bought me a gun. He may have lacked passion, but I loved him anyway; his low level of romance became the norm for me. I knew what to expect and there was comfort in that. The only problem was I wanted marriage and kids and he didn't. This led to our eventual break-up.
After my ex and I split, I wasn't looking for anyone in particular. I had a lot of personal stuff I wanted to work on. For one thing, I walked away from my ex and my social circle, and I wanted to make new friends. After almost 7 years together, I had a lot of habits I wanted to change to help me move on and find Mr. Right.
I was almost 32-years old, and I was ready to settle down and have a family. With my biological clock ticking, I didn't want to spend another 7 years on another man who would never marry me or give me the family I craved. I decided I would spend a year getting myself in order and making a "shopping" list of the traits I was looking for in the next guy.
The funny thing is, after moving on and making new friends, I met someone else about two months after my break up. This guy HAD IT ALL. He was 36, handsome, successful, intelligent, spoke four languages fluently (including French), was into rock climbing, photography, and playing the drums. But even more importantly, he was kind, generous, a wonderful conversationalist, and he was looking for a woman who would one day be his wife and the mother of his kids. My family and friends adored him.
I hit the jackpot of men.
The only problem was, barely two months single, I wasn't exactly over my ex. Oh, I knew we were never going to get back together. Even if I had the opportunity to get back together with him I knew it wouldn't be good for us. For one thing, the only way we could have ever worked it out was if one of us compromised on marriage and kids. I didn't want anyone to have to compromise on something so large. It would have been far better for both of us to find two new people who wanted the same thing as us. So no, I knew my ex and I were over; I just wasn't over him.
What I still missed were the little things. I found myself comparing my new boyfriend to the old one in every way. It was completely unfair, but I couldn't stop doing it. The new boyfriend liked rock climbing, the old one shot guns. The new boyfriend ate vegetables, the old one didn't.
The new boyfriend kissed me and told me he loved me every time he left the house; the old one only said he loved me in response to me saying it first. The new boyfriend told me he wanted us to meet each other's parents; the old one only met my parents when they showed up unexpectedly one day. The new boyfriend told me I was The One; the old boyfriend told me he didn't like talking about those kinds of things.
Whenever I logically sat down and thought things through, I knew the new boyfriend was a gift from some higher being that decided for whatever reason to smile down on me. He was perfect in every way. He was the man I never thought I could get, let alone existed in the first place. So why the nagging sense of doubt and worry?
I began to worry about the strangest things. Maybe he was faking it. Maybe he didn't really love me. Maybe we wouldn't marry at all and this was one great big joke for him like in those teen movies where the popular guy goes after the poor, frumpy girl, only to break her heart and dump her in front of the whole school. My fears had become so irrational that at one point I began to seriously entertain the notion that my new boyfriend was really just a serial killer in disguise.
Half laughing, I eventually told him I feared he was planning on chopping my roommate and me into little bits one night. He took it very seriously. He didn't like being accused of planning a double homicide and asked me why I felt that way. I had no answer. I just couldn't explain it. The only thing I could think of was that he seemed to love me too much. He was too passionate. He kissed me too often. He brought me flowers, encouraged me in my profession, and genuinely seemed to care about my dad's ailing health.
He befriended my brother, chatted with my girlfriends, and petted my dog. He called when he said he would and was never late to dinner. It was all too much, therefore it must be some kind of overcompensation to conceal a wicked scheme.
The more I thought about it, the more I came to know it wasn't him, but rather me. The lack of affection, commitment, and romance from my last boyfriend had become the norm. Anything more than what my ex gave me seemed excessive in comparison. The funny thing was, the things I hated about my last relationship had become what I desired in the new one. How had this happened? Was it because I hadn't had the appropriate amount of grieving time? Should I have let my dream man walk when I met him because I needed more time to get over my ex? More importantly, I found myself wishing and hoping for a quick cure to move on from the past.
Logically, I know no such thing exists. The worst part of all is that I'm fully aware I'm not being fair to the new boyfriend. He deserves and can do much, much better than me.
Should I break up with him so that he kind find a woman who won't accuse him of plotting mass murder for bringing her flowers? Or should I find some way I can grieve my last relationship privately so that in due time I will move on and be able to fully integrate into the new relationship?
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ask him to separate from you for a period of time to let you think... give you both some space and see how he does. your instincts may prove right if he becomes over possessive during this...and if you find you miss him terribly... that's good as well isnt it?
While it's possible that you're trying to move on too quickly and your expectations may be geared in the opposite direction of what the new guy is offering, you also have to understand that what people generally say they want in a "perfect boyfriend" won't always mesh or apply with everyone. While all those traits sound desirable, it's possible that you just don't feel a certain level of attraction for this person, whatever the reason may be.
Always keep in mind that attraction isn't a choice nor can it be created through a checklist-approved "super boyfriend" out of some Hollywood film.
I don't think perfection exists, nor will there be a specific type that works for everyone. Sure, some traits are very desirable to most women, but these traits alone won't make for a great boyfriend as well as someone you can see yourself marrying.
Too many people get caught up in this idea that they can pin down "The One" by going through a checklist and finding the person who most closely matches it. Sure, it's smart to have standards and hold people to these standards especially if you're looking for a potential husband, but don't get so caught up in it and question every little detail.
Romance and love are not rational feelings. It's the furthest thing from rational outside of party politics.
The best thing for you to do is work on yourself and give the guy a break. You shouldn't jump into a relationship with anyone if you feel like your baggage is going to make life difficult for them.
On another note, being overly romantic, giving too many compliments and trying too hard are all negative qualities which may be part of the reason why you feel uneasy about the new guy.
Those kinds of thoughts and distrust are completely normal to anyone who lacks experience with being treated how they deserve to be treated... with compassion and adoration by the one who loves them. You're feeling vulnerable after coming out of a long relationship and that's okay (for a little while, anyway), but don't let those fears/worries guide your decisions and you'll be just fine.
As for him reacting that way to telling him your worries, that was a little callous of him, but not unusual if he has never been in your situation. Though ultimately it isn't his 'responsibility' to disprove your irrational fears, I'd be a little more understanding if someone expressed those feelings to me. Tell him you're not accusing him and you know it's irrational and don't be afraid to ask him for reassurance. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
@beforedawn@xanga - "...give you both some space and see how he does. your instincts may prove right if he becomes over possessive during this..."
Games. Bitches need to stop playing them. Her instincts will not have been right if her actions/decisions are a direct causal factor for his resulting behavior. It's called an observer effect and it has no place in relationships. She needs to focus on herself. This obviously has nothing to do with him and by playing games like that she could easily cause the exact behavior in him she wants to avoid. He's not a fucking lab rat for her insecurities.
@AsylumBlue - "Romance and love are not rational feelings. It's the furthest thing from rational outside of party politics."
Disagree.
Sortez de votre tête de poulet!
"One Valentine's Day, I asked for something shiny and expensive (alluding to an engagement ring). He bought me a gun."
"My fears had become so irrational that at one point I began to
seriously entertain the notion that my new boyfriend was really just a
serial killer in disguise. "
hahahaha this post would make for a good episode in Desperate Housewives or some similar dramedy soap.
Just try and get over your paranoia/fear. If he's that perfect then he'll have no problem waiting for you.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "Games. Bitches need to stop playing them..." did you actually write that? and what game? im a male, over 6' and over 200 pounds, if she needs to be sure of me then not a prob. now if the shoe was on the other foot, and i was a small man attracted to large women, then i might be hesitant as well.. safety is never a game.
in the news recently was an article of an attractive female shooting and killing her ex whom she stalked. think on that the next time you troll a bar for a bitch k?
I have a bf like that but I let him worship me
I've worshipped myself my entire life, so it is only natural that he adores me as much as I adore myself
anyway some people think drama in relationships spice things up and they'd be bored if it was too smooth sailing and comfortable. so it could be that you are addicted to that drama or longing that you can't have what you want, which was your ex-bf and marriage,etc. once you have what you wanted, it is no longer a "challenge" or appealing. break out of this habit if that's what you want. if not, continue to long for those things via an ahole bf. the dream guy matches with the selfish princess diva because she'll welcome his kisses
@beforedawn@xanga - Safety isn't a game unless you make it one, and by "testing him" by seeing how he reacts she would be making it one.
I'm glad you went to make a list of traits to look for in a person. However, make sure that you do not look for everything at once. Start with a few things and work towards as much as possible. The cookie-cutter partner is almost rare to come by these days.
To answer the question I believe that you should take some grievance time for yourself, but if he's bringing you flowers then you should stay with him because he really cares for you. And in time you will jump back into the mindset you had before your previous one
@T3hZ10n@xanga - lol my wife has tested me for years lol one gets used to it after the first 15 years or so.. its a woman's trait and sometimes we do it as well. And you are right about safety being no game. i have a daughter and i want her to test her man as well. sometimes we do need it but.. lol i never said it was fun. And to most of them its not a game..think on that a bit.
@beforedawn@xanga - Eh, I suppose you're right to some degree. I would want the absolute best for my daughter as well (if I had one) and wouldn't want her to take any unnecessary chances when it comes to safety. There's just this line that I think shouldn't be crossed and it's where safety overlaps with "innocent until proven guilty". I'd hate for someone I care about to assume the worst about me until I prove otherwise because I'm already certain of my own good intentions... but I wouldn't be offended or anything like that (as it seemed the new guy she was describing in this article took her concerns).
@T3hZ10n@xanga - ah but his guy has already put himself deeply into her life
"Half laughing, I eventually told him I feared he was planning on
chopping my roommate and me into little bits one night. He took it very
seriously. He didn't like being accused of planning a double homicide and asked me why I felt that way.
I had no answer. I just couldn't explain it. The only thing I could
think of was that he seemed "
"to love me too much. He was too passionate.
He kissed me too often. He brought me flowers, encouraged me in my
profession, and genuinely seemed to care about my dad's ailing health.
He
befriended my brother, chatted with my girlfriends, and petted my dog.
He called when he said he would and was never late to dinner. It was all
too much, therefore it must be some kind of overcompensation to conceal
a wicked scheme. "
on one side great but i wonder, since he is still called the "new boyfriend", how long have they been together. he seems to be putting himself everywhere around her, and to me, it leaves me wondering if he might be be obsessing more than loving, if you take my meaning. but this is just my two cents so...
I had the same situation, except that I'm younger and was only with my ex for a year. I met the perfect guy, every quality I ever wanted, but I wasn't over my ex. So I broke it off with him before we got too involved. He was hurt but I'm proud of not stringing him along. Got to work on yourself first and try not to hurt him anymore. It sounds like you've already left it on for too long.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I love that you adore yourself so much! Teach me how to be like that!!
The thing is, you realize why you're doing what you're doing. Your sabotaging a potentially great relationship because you're scared. I would say talk to him and see if he's willing to work with you through it.
@isitreal_no@xanga - Leave your chicken head! Earlier, I said this in French for Clare. So, I say to you H... be ready when your prince arrives. When a man is a prince and you let him go for clearing your head, I say... blow that chicken away! You make your prince your soulmate being ready to cherish him. @P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - You do cherish him. Good for you! You enjoy that man!
If you step back and give yourself time to move on, then you may never be able to. The longer you hold on, the harder it will be to finally let go and build a life without him. If you ignore this perfect man that has ended up straight in your lap, you may never get the same chance again, and you may end up deeply regretting it. I ended a 6 year relationship and took chances with a new guy two months later. We're 100% unseperable (is that a word?) now and I'm so glad I got over my fears and just went with it.
Give yourself some time to grieve and do some serious soul searching on why you are trying to sabotage a potentially excellent thing. I think its because you're scared and arent used to this type of romantic attention. I know how that feels, my boyfriend is more attentive to me emotionally than my ex was, and its a hell of a turn on when you've never really had it. Then you get it and go "Wtf, how do I handle this? Does he really cares this much, this soon, or is he just fucking with me?"
I did the same exact thing, comparing my exes all the time, and its a DISASTROUS habit to fall into. My boyfriend and I were best friends for 2 years before we became intimate, so I was still so used to telling him everything. Needless to say, that was a horrible thing when we started dating, because I couldnt stop hurting his feelings since I was trying to grieve and move on at the same time.
Bottom line, take some time for yourself and do some soul searching. If he is perfect for you, he wont mind waiting. Especially if you're gonna be the mother of his kids.
In case you haven't sen it, go watch The Perks of Being A Wallflower. "We accept the love we think we deserve". Extremely appropriate in this case. Do not leave this guy, it would be dumb and I'd say 99% of the straight and single female population would snap him up. Don't give him reason to doubt whether you really want to be with him. I think you should be open with him and talk about it, not that you're literally comparing your ex and him but just say that you are feeling overwhelmed and perhaps he can reassure you that his feelings are genuine. Back to the quote; you expect to be treated by men the way your ex treated you because that's how he expressed his love. Further it can be more exciting that to you, his love had to be "earned" and when he'd actually do something that made you genuinely happy, it felt wonderful and that was your reassurance. Well just accept that this guy is a constant reassurance :)
You're over-thinking everything. You're loving him with one foot on the ground, as Regina Spektor says, and that just means you're allowing yourself to slowly and safely fall in love with him. If his affections feel excessive, ask him to tone them down. Tell him that you appreciate everything he does, but for some reason it makes you uncomfortable when he does it too much. Or instead, every time he brings you flowers or calls you beautiful, take a deep breath and tell yourself that it's ok to feel pleasure from compliments. Change your mindset and pretty soon you'll find you don't have to try so hard.
As for letting go of your ex, maybe write him a letter scripting everything you've ever wanted to say to him during your relationship. Then find a picture of the two of you (or, if you're still keeping pictures of him or the two of you or any memorabilia) and burn everything, including the letter. Try and meditate. It sounds corny, but if you really focus on taking all those feelings and energies and pushing them into the fire while letting the fresh love into your heart, you will actually feel like you've found closure afterward. We women are funny things.. sometimes we need a very real reminder to move on, but it's time to realize that you can't live in the past. No day but today.
You need to stick with this one and make yourself stop thinking things that have no basis in reality. You don't really need a grieving period, in my opinion. Just focus on the new guy. He sounds wonderful, although I will confess that I don't see anything wrong with shooting guns.
Anyway, if you want kids and marriage, you've found a wonderful man who wants to do those things with you, and you're 32... definitely wait until you're ready, but don't waste time and don't think that this guy is disposable."the things I hated about my last relationship had become what I desired in the new one"
i know how u feel. i suggest u give urself some time off... tell him u need some time off. you cant string him along like this and hope that soon u would forget ur ex. u can probably forget him faster without ur current bf in the pictureThis is too easy. I'll let everyone else pick you apart while I get some popcorn.
Perhaps after 7 years of that shitty relationship, you don't feel you deserve this good one?
I relate to every piece of this. The new one's perfection makes me cravethe old ones flaws. And I always think he's covering up some scheme. I don't feel like there's any other way to explain the textbook romantic behavior. Life's not a fairytale, right?