Wednesday, 05 December 2012
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Sensitive Little Secrets
The dating process, at its core, is used as a means to get to know another person, whether the two people involved are interested in a long- or a short-term relationship. When one enters into a relationship with another person, the couple expects to learn many things about one another, from the other person’s basic values and moral beliefs to, eventually, the other person’s daily living habits. The two people often enter into conversations and share stories about their lives, from their early childhood days to present and everything in between.What if you have a rather sensitive topic about your past – or current situation! – that you are not comfortable bringing up right away in a relationship? What if you have been to jail? Maybe you have kids with an ex and/or have been married and divorced once, or maybe twice, prior to this. Maybe you are not well off, financially, and are about to lose your home.
Some people are afraid that telling a new partner about, say, being in a poor financial situation or having been to jail before will scare that person off, especially if the two people have just begun seeing one another and the relationship itself is in the early developing stages. Will knowing that his/her partner is in a poor financial situation cause the new man or woman to wonder if his/her partner expects him/her to help pay the bills? Will knowing that his/her partner has been to jail hinder the new man or woman’s development of trust in that person?
On the other hand, why wait a long time to discuss these topics with a partner? Every person is the product of his/her experiences, both good and bad, and some people believe that if a person waits too long into a relationship to talk about such things with his/her partner, the partner may perhaps start to ponder if there is anything else the person may be hiding.
At what point in a new relationship do you choose to disclose such sensitive information? Do you inform your partner right away, hoping that knowing such information will not scare the person off, or do you wait a couple of months - or maybe longer! - to reveal this information, hoping that the extra time will help your interest form feelings and impressions about you independent of that information, but risk the person taking offense to the fact that you waited so long to reveal that information to him or her later on?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
- Name: iamnotyourgrandma
- About Me: I'm 24 years old, and, as my username implies, there is a 100% chance that I am not, in fact, your grandma. I enjoy discussions about relationship ideologies and examining how a person's background/upbringing affects his/her views about how relationships work. Feel free to leave me a comment or subscribe to my site!
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Comments (18)
I am not a fan of "the big announcement". When we confront a person with a piece of information, out of context, it sort of forces them to react. It puts them on the spot, and sometimes things are said or done that wouldn't have gone down that way had things unfolded in a more natural manner.
In my experience, as I gained intimacy with a partner, discussions and topics came up, and I shared to various degrees, my past, my feelings and experiences. It was a good cue to ME, to see what I did and didn't share. It helped me guage how safe and connected I felt to my partner.
If I sense that I am hiding something, that too tells me how I feel about my partner.
If there are situations that are real impediments to the growing relationship I think those DO need to be shared up front...like 'Hey, I'm moving to India in two months" or "Yeah, I'm actually seeing someone else" "I'm about to be incarcerated, or put into an induced coma."
I think being upfront about marital/relationship status and kids is mandatory.
I dunno, I'm all for honesty. If we were having a conversation about houses in the first few times we had gone out, I'd be honest if I was going to lose my house or whatever. If that makes them run off then they're not the right one for me anyway.
Some things need to be shared upfront before an emotional bond can be formed. If not the first date, then the 2nd. After that it will get harder to tell the person and the person will feel more betrayed. At the beginning the partner can make a decision free from "emotion" if this problem is a deal breaker. A lot depends on what the "problem" is.
I don't have any serious skeletons in my closet. I still collect stuffed animals
my room is so adorable that it'll make a grown man turn into a daisy once he marvels at the overwhelming kawaiiness
if he is afraid of who he might turn into and have his macho-ness being stripped away from him as he cuddles with my stuffed animals like a newborn baby man, then he isn't the one for me.
My boyfriend and I disclosed everything to eachother the very first night. It was really beautiful, now that I think back on it. For whatever reason, we were extremely comfortable with each other. We stayed up the whole night, just chatting about our lives, our struggles, our demons. We didn't judge and we were both understanding. Aw, it makes me gush thinking about it. It's like a fairytale in a way.
Any other guy I was with, I never shared my demons, or when I did, it broke us up.that picture is so funny and cute <3
And both parties should be transparent from the start. It takes too much effort to wait for the "big announcement".
My boyfriend and I were totally upfront with everything before we got together. We were close friends for a while and we both wanted to be together - however, my demons have driven guys away before so I decided to tell him everything so that he could decide whether he wanted to be with me. He said he wanted to be with me no matter what, and we've been together for around 6/7 months now. I find honesty to be the best policy - he knows everything and when I'm upset or whatever I can just be honest because he knows me now. Lying and hiding things just causes problems and potential trust issues further down the line.
Potentially, sharing everything up front would be good. Realistically, this can cause people to place assumptions on you based on the circumstances you revealed, simply because humans suck, and we tend to do that, even if we know we shouldn't.
Personally, I wouldn't go prying for that information at the beginning of the relationship, and would hope she doesn't either, though I would certainly be honest about whatever did come up. But it should just come up as it comes up as you get comfortable with each other.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - "Lying and hiding things just causes problems and potential trust issues further down the line." - so true. i don't expect acquaintances to be 100% honest with me, but when it comes to someone who i've known for a while, at some point i expect total honesty if we're going to be close (either as friends or otherwise). it's happened before where i've dated girls or had "friends" who hid shit from me (about which it was their responsibility to tell me) and after i found out, i could never trust them again. i consider it equal to lying and that's a pretty big offense to me.
I'd wait until it looks like it would be more serious and that I could trust him with my info..
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I always tell my info up front. I have nothing to hide.
My boyfriend and I knew each other three years before we dated, but I never had the guts to even tell him my name. We sat at the lunch table together in high school. The summer of my junior year, we began to talk, and right from the start, we were very open about everything. I've got some little secrets that kept other guys away, but he's always been very accepting :)
If someone directly asks, be honest. If the topic comes up, disclose as much as you're comfortable telling. Really, "Hi, I'm broke and socially awkward and about to be homeless but at least I won't have to pay my baby momma. By the way, my name's Steve," is probably not a good way to introduce yourself. (Although, if that IS you, I'd rather you get that out of the way so I don't waste my time.) The trust goes both ways and comes with time, and I wouldn't be willing to throw all of
that info out there unless I were okay with the entire planet knowing
it or trusted the person not to try to turn it into a news story or something. It's not just dating, but there's always a sort of flow, for lack of a better word, to how much you disclose and at what points. Most "dirt" should be revealed, I guess, probably around the time you decide to be "official" or "exclusive", and certainly well before engagement.
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