Wednesday, 05 December 2012
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The Game
So I was talking to a friend I met on OkCupid tonight. Yes, that's right, I have an OkCupid account, f*ck you. Anyways, she mentioned that the ratio of guys to girls seemed to give the females a sense of entitlement. I think a lot of us guys would agree with that sentiment. It seems no matter what, whenever a guy approaches a girl in any setting, the girl will automatically assume that he wants to get a number or something. This may be the case in some instances, but one thing I've noticed on OkCupid is that a lot of women there who are looking for "Just Friends" are incredibly picky.Now, I understand that women need to filter a lot of BS. I can understand that they would also want someone they can connect with in a friend. What I cannot understand is the huge list of criteria that must be met before one should even contemplate sending a message. I mean, really? You're looking for a friend, but this friend has to be a certain height, be this, be that, etc.? Ladies, you may consider yourselves a commodity, but I am not going to pay 300% just for a rejection.
I suppose what I'm driving at is that women are not the only ones who need to be careful when considering who to communicate with. For me, if I see a woman as being too picky, I will automatically ignore her. This may be considered picky on my part, but it's a necessary precaution. I feel that if someone is that picky in the beginning, and does not see the potential in a person, they are not worth my time. Of course, this initial screening may just be a filter and a person could be a lot more easy-going once you get to know him/her, but I feel that this is rather backwards. I'd rather give a person a chance, and upon getting to know him or her, let the person's actions dictate how the relationship progresses.
Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe that's why I talk to so few women. In my opinion though, it saves me a lot of time, and a lot of rejection from women that probably aren't all they're cracked up to be. What are your thoughts?
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- From: npr32486@xanga
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Comments (42)
I kinda think guys should learn to be more picky and demanding than they already are. I can understand the point you're making about it being backward, but I've also noticed that there are a lot of guys who are shamed for being attracted to certain things and not others - in effect, shamed for their biology. That sort of thing needs to stop, and I think it would serve guys well to pay attention to their own needs more and to stop trying to cater to societal expectations of the "nice guy" who has to give EVERYONE a chance because "Everyone is beautiful in their own way" or some other BS.
And if it means talking to fewer women, so be it. It also means you spend less time talking to women you don't care much for. If you're more honest with yourself and your needs, you're less likely to find yourself compromising needlessly. And in a way it helps you control your desires and better understand WHY you're attracted to a certain woman, regardless of her inner or outer beauty.
I think it may have something to do with your platform... okcupid. Try something else.
Also, as a woman who is actively participating in on-line dating at this very moment (not on okcupid but elsewhere), I will say that we get A LOT of traffic. I'm talking a couple of dozen of men expressing interest and it is really overwhelming, at least for me anways. So, it would be impossible for me to give each and every one of them a chance. I HAVE to be picky or I'd be spending all of my free time looking at profiles and scheduling dates and going on dates.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Yeah, there are a lot of men that will fuck anything that moves. Sure there are women who do this, but most girls are pickier than most guys out there.
"Ladies, you may consider yourselves a commodity, but I am not going to pay 300% just for a rejection."
I will. I enjoy bringing out their inner selfish bitch so I can annihilate it by showing them how much of a commodity I am. It's like the conspicuous consumption of sexual selection. I'll pour 300% of my heart and soul into someone I'm attracted to because honestly, I could do this shit all day. If they don't appreciate my efforts they don't deserve anyone's effort (i.e. I hope they find the person they want effort from and that person treats them like shit due to having selfish, impersonal, and contradictory criteria).
"Information that is not used objectively is not objective information." - Self
Impersonal criteria are self-defeating and oxymoronic. To hold onto impersonal criteria is to set up a roping system for the masses of people a person plans on dating and shows a certain ignorance of what one actually wants: an individual (a who, not a list of whats). If you feel you deserve certain things and yet you can't actually pinpoint which individual you deserve those things from (because really, if people acted like that to the person they found themselves interested in, that person is undoubtedly going to be turned off by the self-entitled arrogance), odds are you're just being a greedy bitch.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Lol... nice touch with the Santa hat.
i never talk to guys whose profile pictures are their naked chest. i would rather they have no picture than have a glaring white male chest (no head or legs just chest) as the only reference point for the guys appearance. i dont get why guys always do that... put a shirt on! if i put my glaring white pair of naked boobs up on my profile picture id probably be banned. talk about double standard.
some guys also send messages to females, who they deem attractive, so why not have an attractive male friend, too. I haven't been on dating sites. maybe they live in small towns and/or don't get out much. I live near the city center and my work place has thousands of people, so at least a handful of them will appeal to me. I don't want to date them, just some cute guys to randomly look at. one of my crushes suddenly talked to me and when he walked away, I started to involutarily giggle
because I couldn't believe that he noticed me
his voice is so sexy, and I have an urge to tell him that, but it isn't professional to tell your coworker, whom you don't even know if he's married or not, that you think he's sexy
I like those sudden surprises of a cute guy talking to me than going on a site where you expect guys to say these things. however, that's why people go on dating sites, they won't seem "creepy" if they flirt or whatever because that's the point of dating sites:D if the guy is obnoxious looking, then that'll affect my mood
extremely hairy arms, a mullet and highwater pants with shoes and no socks will drive me crazyO.o
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "however, that's why people go on dating sites, they won't seem "creepy" if they flirt or whatever because that's the point of dating sites"
"The medium is the message." - Marshall McLuhan
@T3hZ10n@xanga - you stole spongebob's pineapple house hence your obsession with pines. you also kidnapped his best friend, patrick starfish. your subliminal messages within a message have been received by the waterworld feds. ariel's dad, Titan, will spank your ass very soon.
i don't have a lot of time tonight so i must be brief: listen, you're not doing yourself or any other guy any favors by putting the pussy on a pedestal. all that does is perpetuate your misconception amongst not only yourself, but the girls to whom you unnecessarily kowtow as well. you are forgetting that YOU are the one in the position of power. why? because the vast majority of girls depend on guys to approach them. they are too afraid to talk to guys by themselves. you are the one in the bar (for example) that has options, not the girl. she is only able to choose from the guys that approach her. you, as the man, get to cut off that conversation the second you decide you can spend your time on someone better. you, as the man, have the liberty of approaching any girl in the bar (for example) and offering her the privilege of the company. if you're into some girl and it doesn't work out, that's fine. on to the next one. girls are a dime a dozen--don't you ever, ever forget that. (and before you knock that viewpoint, realize that in your current mindset, you see girls as having that same perspective on men.) let her prove to you that she's worth your time before you attribute anything to her besides a wet hole. that doesn't mean you treat anyone like shit, that just means you don't act like she's any different to you from the bloke standing on the other side of you.
by the way, one more piece of criticism (all of which i mean totally constructively): i think your defensiveness toward your okc profile kind of speaks volumes to me about your attitude toward dating and women. while i obviously don't know you personally, i might speculate that perhaps you give off this vibe in real life.
on a tangentially related note, thought everyone would appreciate this: http://www.mandatory.com/2012/11/13/ok-cupid-an-exploration-into-just-how-low-some-guys-will-go
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "your subliminal messages within a message"
"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour." - William Blake
The universe is an infinity within an infinity. You can find anything within anything if you look hard enough. It's called an algorithm. The human brain is full of them, and is an algorithm in itself, which is why I say: "Under no circumstance should you ever put more effort into reading something than was put into writing it.", like people who are obsessed with analyzing the bible...
I'm not into online dating , I actually felt pressured by it. I ended up feeling so bad rejecting people and stuff so I'm not on there anymore. I saw one guys profile that said no fat chicks, no asians, no this or that....don't be offended it's just the truth. He had this whole long list. It's not just women that think guys are a dime a dozen and are picky - a lot of men think the same way about women.
Also, I think all three of the guys in that pic are hot haha I'm not picky though ;)
@T3hZ10n@xanga - you didn't quote the parts about your ass being on fire due to being wanted by the mermen feds. there are many algae rhythms in those spongeholes themselves.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga -
Algae rhythms.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - On a side note, I might've stretched the quote to fit the context of what you were saying a little more than I should've without adding an explanation, so allow me to correct that with another quote:
"I think a nerd is a person who uses the telephone to talk to other people about telephones. And a computer nerd therefore is somebody who uses a computer in order to use a computer." - Douglas Adams
From that you can kinda get an idea of how I feel about dating sites...
I was referring to "The medium is the message." not in the sense of 'messages within messages' but rather in the sense that oftentimes the medium people use to communicate (dating sites) carries with it implications as to what behavior is appropriate while communicating through that medium (just as you suggested). Like when people overuse "lol" in IMs and txting and they're not actually laughing out loud, but many times it is used as a pacifying statement because facial/emotional expressions can't be added into text, and taking what someone says at face value would get very confusing and awkward without it. Theoretically, emoticons would be more appropriate, but for many they take too much of the personal aspect out of the communication and/or add more emotion than was intended because there is more to a smile than just a happy face and "lol" has just the right amount ambiguity, allowing room for personal representation as well as emotional (or rather, a desirable lack thereof) appeal to those who aren't familiar with or hip enough to use the wide variety of smileys out there like -_- :\ :P :D, etc...
I'm easy to get off topic BTW, kind of like a teacher when you don't feel like doing classwork, ask them what it was like for them back when they were in school and they'll ramble on with a story more entertaining than a multiple choice test, but I have an overflowing amount of ideas when it comes to what you were talking about so that was mostly your fault for making me digress a bit there with the William Blake quote and infinite universe reference.
You are that rambling teacher when it comes to crushes at your workplace just as I am when it comes to Cognitive Neurophysics (my own branch of philoscience).
sounds like you're already fixed in your views about online dating. It's not for everybody.
That's kind of weird to have physical requirements for the "just friends" category. There are certain things that I'm sexually attracted to that will determine whether I want to be romantic with a guy or not- although I don't actually have a list- but in friends, I'm primarily interested in character and personality. My guess is that they aren't really looking for "just friends", or maybe they don't really know what they want- in either case, they are being deceptive about what they're looking for and you're better off avoiding them.
Honestly, I didn't know that you could use dating sites to just meet people to be friends with.A woman having extensive "criteria" is usually the result of having given chances to certain men against better judgement, and regretting it later on. She has learned some lessons. What you are looking for is a woman without experience., who doesn't know exactlywhat her needs are, and from your comment about "seeing potential" a woman who still believes she can change a person.
Do you have experience with "picky" women? Is that why you weed them out? Same fucking thing.
I'm sure I have a crazy criteria list.... but wouldn't you rather know off the bat that we weren't going to work? There's a reason women make the list, there's a reason we turn down men without obvious flaws, because some things are flaws only to us, and we don't want to have to change the person in order to be attracted to them.
My no-no's (from experience)
hair long enough to pull
shaves anything but his face
owns more dressy clothes than I do
places too much value on money
cannot do "man things" (fix my car, kill bugs, etc.)
watches porn
atheism
.... and I could go on and on. I'm sure that sounds picky, but is that worse than getting into a relationship KNOWING there are things about you that I really don't like, and will probably start fights over? Everyone is different, and through dating you learn more and more who you are, what you like, and what you really HATE. Isn't the point of internet dating to weed through people more quickly? For those that can't sit around waiting to meet someone THEN find out if you can tolerate spending time with them? If you write on your profile, "no fat chicks" and get messages from fat chicks saying you're an asshole, that you're missing out, etc... are you going to say "hey, you're right! I wasn't even thinking... I can totally date a fat chick" or are you going to say "Look, no offense, but I've been there done that and it didn't work out"
I can see why you have trouble with the ladies. Doesn't seem like you can see more than 6 inches from your own face. Let's throw "self absorbed" on that list.
I feel like I totally get you on your ideas, but on the other hand, that may simply be because it took my brain on a few different tangents. Haven't even touched a dating site in many years, but anyway...
Example 1: your first bold point and following sentence took my brain on a related point that I think a lot, which is that many girls seem to not want to form a close relationship with a guy unless they are interested in dating him, which I find annoying.
Actually, re-reading your last non-bold paragraph, I'm realizing that my second example isn't much of a tangent: I just plain agree with you on that whole paragraph. My thought is that even if I have a crush on a girl, if she's not interested in talking to me, she's probably not my kind of person, because I don't want somebody who I have to convince that I'm interesting.
And maybe we do talk to fewer women because of that... but I don't know about you, but I enjoy the ones I do get, past and present.
@oneLBcloser@xanga - what's wrong with dressy clothes??
You may have bypassed the one you'd be most interested in...by ignoring some.
Get to know anyone who is interested in you...then, as you get to know them, you can eliminate a few or add more to your circle of friendship.
I bet you are just as incredibly picky??? hmmmm??
You can look at rejection in many different ways.
Not everyone is going to be right for just anyone. But, some that you least expected would be right for you, just may be!!
Rejection isn't personal.. you may be wonderful guy and the girl terrific, but if you don't 'click' you won't get together or be right for each other. So, rejection shouldn't be taken personally.
:)
Christy
@oneLBcloser@xanga - "A woman having extensive "criteria" is usually the result of having given chances to certain men against better judgement, and regretting it later on."
Exactly. It's the truth though many women would deny it. But like I always say...
"A single act of good judgment can easily surpass a lifetime of bad experience." - Self
Having extensive criteria is usually the result of having given chances to certain individuals against better judgment that a woman regrets later on.
Who wants to be in a relationship like that... knowing that you were given a chance for being who you are only AFTER you were given a chance because you're not some other guy she was with before? That's placing a higher priority on bad experience with her exes than the good experience she would have with you.
Then you get bombarded with that annoying, hypocritical fucking argument from everyone else who is apt to give up at the drop of a hat:
'She shouldn't have to change for you. If you don't fit her criteria you should move on and find someone who you are compatible with.'
She had to change because of the BAD experiences she had with other guys who were wrong for her by adopting criteria but she feels she shouldn't change for me to allow herself to have GOOD experiences by dropping those criteria? Fuck that. At a certain point you really shouldn't jump into more relationships when the majority of your policy on dating/love is primarily based on past regret and becomes more about preventing yourself from ending up with the wrong guy than allowing yourself to be with the right one.
If I'm looking for someone who would rather be with me than obstinately enforce her self-defeating anti-standards, the 'move on and find someone more compatible' argument pretty much crosses off every woman on earth who isn't a prostitute.
The 'more compatible someone' I should find is her before she had the damn criteria.
"Mi Amore Vole Fè"
My love needs faith.
THAT GUY IS NOT TOO TALL FOR ME!!!! I'm 5'11''. BRING ON THE TALL BOYS <3 :)
Not even on OkCupid anymore lulz
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Like I said, you learn more about yourself through relationships. Things I didn't have issues with before became issues later. You say you want the girl before the experiences? Then you want to uncover all the demons she didn't know she had til she met you? You want her to find flaws in you she didn't ever consider? Okay, date a teenager. Adults have lived and learned and narrowed their spectrums.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I am partial to the blue collar look. I like my men rough around the edges, only dressed up for special occaisions. I like them to "clean up well" not always well cleaned up ;]