Tuesday, 04 December 2012
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His Girlfriend Blames Me
I met my friend, we'll call him Andrew, through other mutual friends. These other friends had met him at a bar back in their college days. When I first moved to the area, they introduced me to him since I didn't know many people.Most of the time when I hang out with Andrew, we're at the bar. We used to hit the gym together, but he got busy with work and I changed gyms. Nowadays, we usually go out for a few drinks to catch up and blow off steam. Problem is, there is a lot of steam to blow off. For instance, we (well, he) is no longer allowed at one of the bars we used to go to because he tried starting a few fights there. The first night I met his (soon to be) girlfriend they got in an argument, and I had to drive him home.
Fast forward a bit. Andrew has gotten together with his girlfriend (I'll call her "Ann"). We're hanging out with other friends at a bar, generally having a good time. Andrew and I approach some girls (he likes to try to set me up), and we're talking to them. Well, while we were away, some other guys approached the girls who were still sitting at the table. Long story short, Andrew got mad, ended up taking off, and everyone was drunk and confused. Except Ann. Ann blamed me for his drinking and was mad at me.
I didn't hear from Andrew for awhile, but just recently, we started hanging out again. Things are going well, and Ann is acting cordially towards me. She is a bit reserved when it comes to our drinking, but doesn't outright say anything. That is, until the other night.
I had met someone for dinner, and it happened that Andrew and Ann were also out that night. We decided to hit up one of our old spots (ironically perhaps, the lounge where Ann got mad at me). So we're drinking and chatting, and Andrew is telling my friend (we'll call her "Winnie") some stories. Now, this is their first time meeting Winnie, and Ann was a bit upset at how much Andrew was sharing with her. Ann got mad when Andrew didn't stop, and she took his keys and went outside.
I tried to tell Andrew to go after her, but Andrew said he couldn't cave in and let her have all the power. A little while later, I got a text from Ann asking me to take Andrew home and not to reply to the text.Well, eventually we took off, but Ann had already gone. I dropped Winnie off, then I took Andrew home. Upon arriving, we saw his car parked out front. Yep, Ann really had ditched Andrew at the bar for me to take home.
It seems Andrew and Ann have some problems to work out, but that's on them. What concerns me is being able to be friends with Andrew, and still maintain a neutral relationship with Ann, when most of the times we hang out we're out drinking.
Any suggestions on how to be friends with both?
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- From: npr32486@xanga
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Comments (15)
O! Honestly you told your boy that he should go after her, and if you have the opportunity to ever speak to her you can tell her so, but you can also say he's your friend and he makes his own decisions. I've been in situations like that where I was dating a guy and every bad decision he made he blamed on the influence of a certain friend who he jokingly referred to as the devil. At first I really didn't like the guy but eventually I caught on-my bf was doing this to get the blame off his shoulders, but at the end of the day, he's a big boy and makes his own decisions. Same goes for your friend. You can try communicating to "Ann" that you aren't responsible for what he does, he is! It seems like you've even taken her side and told him he was wrong (I bet if she knew that she'd like you a lot more lol)
don't hang out with them simultaneously especially at a bar where they get drunk and go crazy starting drama in deja vu situations. however, I wouldn't want to be friends with Ann because she unjustly blamed you for her bfs choice to drink and get drunk. I wouldn't want to be friends with neither of them. I hate being caught in the middle and having to pick sides. stay away from hanging out with dramatic couples. he has a gf, so going out to bars to check out and talk to girls is disrespectful to his gf. I'd go to bars or other places to check out girls with other single guy friends, so that their jealous gf wouldn't be fuming mad on the side and ruin the night because you have to drive one of them home.
There's no helping crazy girlfriends... Trust me. My ex and I met up a couple years later, and agreed to remain cordial considering both ironically had moved into the same small town. The problem is after our break up he got together with a complete psycho. Now mind you, I kept a really open mind about her, even when she went through an made sarcastic, rude and insecure comments on any exchange that ex and I had made three years ago when we were together. (Yes, she sifted through three years of his FB to find anything I sent him). Hey, you know I was the ex, I can't blame her curiousity. What clued me in was when his mother had a heart to heart, saying she wished he and I got back together cause this girl his crazy. All of his friends in college started doing random sets up so my ex and I randomly ended up at the same party/events/hangouts (again, trying to get us back together in hopes he would dump is crazy gf). This made her even more insecure and crazy of course. Lastly, his childhood best friend and his relationship ended because this girl got in the way of their friendship, because even he was like dude she's crazy. So instead of all of his friends, he chose her... Did I mention she cheated on him too.
You probably need to have a heart to heart with your friend, but be careful because if their crazy you never know if it will backfire.
You're right, your friend Andrew and his girlfriend have some things to work out on their own. But the real problem she has isn't with you, it is with him. She probably feels it is easier to tell you to butt out instead of coming to terms that her boyfriend may have a problem, or the fact that she has a problem. If she doesn't like him drinking so much and getting that drunk in public, she needs to address it with him in private, not you. No matter how much you may or may not egg him on to drink more, it is him who ultimately chooses to put the drink to his mouth and consume. Now, if Ann still wants to speak to you in the future, you may want to consider spending time in places where it is less acceptable to imbibe as much, such as a restaurant, rather than the bar or club. Or, maybe, sometimes you need to spend time with your friend, sans girlfriend. However, I can understand her getting upset when they first met Winnie and divulging too much personal information. I guess it is more acceptable nowadays to be so upfront with people you've just met, as I've experienced people telling me lots of personal details the first time I met them. He might have seen Winnie as a "pre-approved" friend because you're dating her and trusts that you wouldn't invite just any old casual acquaintance, or maybe he was drunk and didn't know he was saying what he said. You might also consider having a private conversation with Andrew and explain to him that it doesn't seem like he handles himself well after large amounts of alcohol, and that he should own up to his choices instead of letting you take the blame for his behavior.
i didn't get the impression that she blamed anything on you in the second incident. (out of curiosity, was he sharing personal stuff about their relationship? cause if not, tell her i said she can shut the fuck up.)
but if i'm wrong about that first statement, there's still an easy solution: just stop hanging out if she's going to be around. you shouldn't be going to bars with girls you're actively seeing anyway...unless they're into threesomes, obv.
oh, and for what it's worth, i don't exactly hold it against her for being pissed at andrew when he's clearly an annoying, obnoxious drunk. why can't everyone be like me? i'm super affectionate when i'm drinking. one of my innumerable amazing qualities.
Don't get involved in other people's craziness. Tell Andrew you don't feel comfortable when Ann gets you involved in their relationship, and if he doesn't respect that, he's obviously not a great friend. Andrews drinking is his problem and if she doesn't like it, she can either put up and shut up or leave. I had an ex who got violent and angry when he was drunk and I just broke up with him - no point getting other people involved in it.
I really can't tell if she's being crazy & neurotic, or if he's an asshole when he's drunk, or both.
Solution; you go out with the guys, she goes out with the girls, & if she wants to go, too, I would dip out. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure you have some serious drama coming your way. Sorry. =/
In the 2 cases you mentioned, in which Ann got mad, Andrew in both cases seemed to be your wingman. Ann probably doesn't realize this and may get mad because he's giving attention to another girl rather than her. She places the blame on you because you're the one that seemed to her to pull his attention away from her and towards other females, or maybe towards just you. Think back and see if this seems to be the case.
In any case, I feel her insecurity will lead her to be demanding of Andrew to do what she wants (as she may feel what she wants is right). Seeing Andrew's reaction at one point saying that he's not gonna let her have it her way, it seems like they had a talk once before but are in disagreement because there's a misunderstanding that both sides don't see or stubbornly don't want to see. I could see them breaking up and that may be a good thing.
Maybe she would appreciate you being a more responsible friend to her boyfriend? Like a more positive influence. I don't think she's particularly mad at you though.
Not sure why your would want to be friends with manipulative Ann??? Just stay acquaintances and stay far from her. Red flags all over the place!!
Maybe you could try going somewhere that's alcohol-free. If she still finds some kind of fault with you, she just plain doesn't like you. It sounds like Andrew might have a bit of a drinking problem, and that Ann might be an overcontrolling bitch, though. And if that's the case, I'd keep my distance until they sort their shit out. No sense in getting caught in the middle of all that crazy.
I can see a line of thinking in blaming you if he drinks with you and not with her, and since you two only ever seem to drink, which is kind of lame IMO. And expensive. But I digress. Just quit poisoning your livers all the time, hang out as a group (and with him alone, too) without the booze, watch a movie, chat, play video games, whatever. Do that sort of thing.
She did at least trust you enough to make sure he got home (or she was just so uber pissed that she didn't even care if he got home).
A. There is not a chipper bright future in the bottle either.
B. Ladies/Men rarely maintain lifelong platonic relationships.
C. FLAG, Co-dependence: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill.
I disagree with several people's assertions that Ann is a "crazy girlfriend". From what you've written, she's dating someone with an alcohol problem and you seem to be an enabler. Stick to booze free activities and help your friend stay off the sauce. It's not helping his life.
Yeah, if he can't drink without having problems, he needs help.