My fiance and I are in a 3-year relationship, both with expectations to be faithful and committed. This is expressed by the both of us. He doesn't like it when I go to parties and other male friends are present. He was NOT okay when I wanted to see a movie with a male friend. He shook his head when the Las Vegas white truck with iconic shirtless, muscle flexing men imprinted on it passed by, and I happened to see it. So I resume.
I'm totally okay with watching porn as a couple, as long as it's to: heighten and satisfy our lust for sex with each other. However, what if he wanted to watch porn as a COUPLE, but wanted to heighten and satisfy his lust for other particular women of say... ages and ethnicity, that are different from me?
It means that, if I were to sit and watch the video with him, he would not be engaging in sexual desires for me, but for these other women. Why, if he wanted, he could easily have chosen porn flicks with people who resemble us... but no.
I'd be condoning his want to satisfy his lust for other women. I'd be okay with him eye-fucking other women. If that is so, then what difference is it really, from being in an open relationship? What difference is it from telling him it's okay for him sleep with other women in this relationship? What difference, from digital pixels to actual flesh? What's the difference from eye-sexing to actual sexing? If given the opportunity, to sleep with other STD-free, age-specific, ethnicity specific, 99.6% effective-birth-control-taking women? Is it not like "watching porn as a couple" if I were to watch as he engages in sex with women? Would it not be 'harmless' too?
Wouldn't you women approve now, too? There's no difference really. Or is there? You tell me.
I don't see how I'm NOT condoning actual sex with other women, by approving of this. It wouldn't make sense if I disapproved of one or the other. One can't go without the other, does it?
It does not heighten and satisfy our lust for sex with each other. It heightens HIS for ANOTHER/OTHERS. Not you. You just watch and sit back, and act like you're expected. You're to be horny and happy when he feels like screwing you once the porn flick is over. You're to be satisfied with the thought, and he'll explicitly wish it weren't You. If you do, then you're to be equally as pain-free and happy with sitting back while he fucks other women in front of you.
It does not seem to befit the reasoning behind watching porn as a couple in the kind of relationship we were initially expecting.
So I ask for feedback. Why would I expect for him to be faithful to me in real life, if I am totally okay with him watching other women?
Don't get me wrong... I respect his own interests, but I feel betrayed because this was not what he meant by saying, "I only have eyes for you," and it is my responsibility to decide if this relationship goes on or not.
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Comments (58)
I agree with you. I've never been able to see the difference between, say, a video chat with someone you know who strips for you, and watching porn/looking at a woman you *don't* know naked. One is cheating (because it's someone you happen to know?), and one isn't..?
It isn't consistent.
meh, porn doesn't bother me. i don't really want to know what my bf watches when i'm not there, but i know he does and its whatever. it would be a BIG difference though if it was someone he knew. it just is.
Sheesh, overreact much? Watching porn is not the equivalent of being in an "open" or polyamorous relationship. I'm actually busting up laughing over this because it's so ridiculous. There is soooo much more to being in an open/poly relationship than just sex or eye-fucking or whatever you want to call it. He's just watching porn, he's not trying to create a bond with the people he is watching. Hell he can't even have a conversation with them.
There is a big difference between him just tugging it to some porn to actually fucking other women and whispering sweet nothings in their ears.
I feel sorry for him honestly.
Pornography of any sorts is not okay in my book and would be a deal breaker in a serious relationship (though more because it's pathetic and fake than because it's equivalent to real-life cheating). But I guess if two people are both unimaginative and need an external stimulus like porn to get off to and they are both okay with it then that's their business. It doesn't seem like you're okay with it though, so tell him that and set clear boundaries. Stick to your gut reactions despite what the general concensus on this issue might be; don't lower your personal standards for anyone. If he doesn't agree with your boundaries then you two have fundamentally different viewpoints regarding relationships and it'll be fruitless to pressure him into changing his view; you two would be better off not being together.
What's acceptable and appropriate in your relationship should only be up to you and your boyfriend. Feel free to scope and challenge your feelings on porn, but make sure your decision is yours. I say this because I've heard a lot of comments like "WTF PORN IS JUST DIGITAL PIXELS ON A SCREEN YOUR MAN WILL CHEAT ON YOU IF YOU DON'T LET HIM WATCH IT WOW YOU ARE A CONTROLLING BITCH."
Personally I am not fully comfortable with my boyfriend watching porn, and because of that, he doesn't mind not watching it. He has pictures of me instead, and for the time being that is enough. I'm aware my pictures could eventually get old, or boring or w/e, so if there comes a time he wants to watch it again, we'll work through it together. By being open with the idea and not completely shutting it out gives great room for communication.
Yeah, well, humans aren't born with clothes on. People and their stupidity fucking infuriate me. The taboo creates the fetish. If there were naked women (and men, for that matter) walking around all over the place we wouldn't have this problem. Aside from that, yes, there is a huge difference between watching porn and fucking another living, breathing human being. Go a couple of years only watching porn and masturbating without sex THEN try to tell me there isn't a difference.
In no way am I condoning watching porn in a relationship and I sure as hell wouldn't if sex were an option... what I am saying is that you deserve to be in a relationship with a guy that needs porn to get off if you are so spoiled as to equate it to fucking someone else when you should be happy you're in a relationship and he isn't actually cheating on you.
I wish I had this problem.
It seems like you both have the same opinions here, so I don't know what the problem is. My SO and I have no problems with us looking at other women. He can look at whoever he pleases, whether in person or on the web, and I can too. We both come home to each other at the end of the day and that's what matters to us. We're comfortable enough with each other to even talk about it, honestly. He does get a bit uncomfortable if it has to do with a guy though, lol. Anyway. One thing I can say is that the jealousy really isn't a healthy component and in my experience, it'll eat away at your relationship. You guys have to figure out why those insecurities are there. Do you not trust each other and if so, is there a reason for that? It's an important question to start asking now, and not after you get married.
If you are with men, looking at men, and thinking about porn, what do I think about that... that is what I got from the first two paragraphs. You may have a set of double standards.
You never even said that he wants to view porn... you said, "However, what if he wanted to watch porn as a COUPLE, but wanted to heighten and satisfy his lust for other particular women of say... ages and ethnicity, that are different from me? "
I'm lost on this one. I love to give advice, but it isn't probably going to be useful if I'm being led to say what you want to read. I'm sensing a form of manipulation here... seems some important facts are left out. Is there an issue behind this stroy that you can share?
Hmm. I've watched porn with my significant other from time to time, but it never lasts for very long because we end up getting amorous. I can see where you're coming from regarding porn, but as long as your needs are taken care of and he's not purposely disrespecting you then watching porn should be a non-issue.
I'd never thought of watching porn as a couple like this. It's interesting, although I don't see things entirely your way and I'm not even sure if I can articulate them clearly, but it just seems like you're reading too much into things and just... like, CHILL. I don't think eye-fucking and real fucking are the same at all.
Unfortunately you caught me on a sleepy day but what I gather from this is you're worrying too much.
@reesa14@xanga - You and your boyfriend have a very interesting situation. It sounds like you are both very mature and have great communication. I respect that.
i guess it's hard for me to empathize with your situation. i am a *very* non-controlling person, so even if i was in a serious relationship, i couldn't imagine telling my lady friend that she wasn't allowed to do something with her own body (even if that means she wanted to hook up with other guys).
now, i realize i have a significantly more liberal opinion on this than the average person. but i say the above because it worries me that you guys are getting married, yet think it's appropriate to disallow you from going to a party just because other guys are there. is that for real? does your fiance realize that 50% of the world's population has a penis? what about going to work or getting on the bus? is he going to have a problem with those things too?
it's one thing if you both have equal conditions, but i just think it's strange that he doesn't have the same rules imposed on him. i have very conflicting feelings about this. on one hand, i feel like the imposition of rules is done out of insecurity and a need to control the other. in principle, your partner shouldn't want to be turned on by other people (same for you). so when you're imposing rules, it's like you're dictating that person is with you because you said so, and not because that person chooses to be with you. but on the other hand, i think that different people's relationships have different standards, and that you both should be the ones to define what you want in your relationship (with the key emphasis on the word "both").
anyway, i don't say any of the above as criticism, but as food for thought. i've read your comments (and occasional posts) over the years and you seem like you're super sweet, so it would disappoint me to see you remain in a relationship where you're being unnecessarily controlled, is all. think about it, and if you want, you can feel free to message me, too.
this almost sounds like you're just wanting to run your mouth. I got from this post that you're basically classifying your guy watching porn as cheating on you. if you consider these things to be the same thing, and in the same category, and you don't like it, then don't be with someone who wants to watch porn.
watching pornography is as much cheating as watching romance~
the difference is pornography affects 5 minutes of one's life per day, while romance affects the rest~
Idk if things are always about control or not control. If a relationship has boundaries bc certain things make you uncomfortable...that is ok...but at the same time they should be fair and equal...Insofar as him watching porn with women of different ages and ethnicities-I mean we can all be attracted to a multitude of different kinds of people-I mean really it sounds like you feel uncomfortable like he is fulfilling some kind of secret fantasy or desire when really, he's a dude and he might just be watching some porn. Maybe your lack of male friends doesn't make you realize this but I definitely don't think most guys are really thinking that hard about what kind of porn they are watching. If dudes see a naked chick, they are gonna look. It doesn't mean they want that chick more than you. And sometimes with porn even just hearing it is part of the eroticisism of watching it togehter. Idk maybe you're reading too much into it...Also just because someone can appreciate that another person is physically attractive doesn't mean they want someone else-they are with you for a reason...
I've asked my boyfriend if he wanted to watch porn during sex and he quickly said no. That he felt dirty enough watching it alone and had already tried before me with another girl (tmi!!! yeck) and could not get it hard. So with that, makes me happy. I want him getting off on us having sex and him enjoying MY body and not looking at the womans body and her moans getting off while in me. I am not a pocket pussy. I told him I didn't like the idea of him jerkin it to porn for reasons of my own. That he could do it just I didn't wanna know. But he said I keep him sufficently drained and doesn't want to anyway since we are together. I'll take that. Communication!
Nothing wrong with watching porn every once in awhile. I do think it is a private thing and you should do it on your own. It's not cheating, it's just a bunch of pixels to get you off. As a guy, we have needs. There aren't any emotional attachments to the girls or that they mean anything to us. Some girls just like to make a big deal out of it when it isn't, unless he has an addiction to it. If you are his girlfriend, and if he truly loves you, he will not have sex with any of the girls even if they showed up at his doorstep.
Im sorry, I read "Watching porn is pretty much the same as being in a polyamorous/open relationship" and I had to stop. Its is NOT the same. Your partner is getting off on visual stimuli of somebody they've never met, and you consider that cheating? Eye-fucking other people of the opposite sex is natural, its HUMAN. The difference is the ability to control your impulse to do something about it. I dont expect my man to not want to fuck other women, especially since hes only had me.
Im sorry, I used to view porn the same way so I can say that most of what you're feeling stems from insecurity. Then I was away from my boyfriend for an entire month, bought a vibrator, and started watching porn myself. Most of it is the same, so after awhile I just started to laugh. Its just sounds and flesh to me, there is nothing intimate about it, which is more important to me in my relationship than just sex.
Bottom line, talk to him. Draw your boundaries, and try to see porn for the multi billion dollar industry for a cheap orgasm that it really is.
"What's the difference from eye-sexing to actual sexing?"
Um...everything.
Jealous much?
--Yao Wentiao
My first issue with this post is the fact that he doesn't trust you to go and see a movie with a male friend, and doesn't like you looking at topless guys on a poster. Do you really want to get married to someone who expects you to live the rest of your life like that? Half of the world's population has a penis - it sounds like he's pretty insecure if he has to control you like that.
Anyway, with regards to the porn, I think it's ridiculous that you're comparing watching porn to him cheating on you. It honestly sounds like you're both very insecure - he doesn't want you to hangout with guys alone, and you think that if he watches porn he's going to run off and cheat. Work on your insecurities before you get married.
I don't really care for porn. watching clothed interviews of jason momoa, david gandy and tyson beckford is enough to make me go crajeeeee
omg they're hot. if they were naked and doing porn, ughhhh...too unbearable to watch, but I'll watch if they made such vids, but they haven't made them public
I usually like what I can't have aka the forbidden fruit. I really can't be that bothered by these readily available men in porn, who anyone can watch anytime. but these other celebs, who aren't in mass produced porn, are whom I really want to see naked. I don't want to see them in a porn vid having sex with other females either. I'd like to see them pleasuring themselves
there I said it.
All guys watch porn.. even a lot of girls watch porn. Stop taking it so personally. I'd be more concerned over his controlling behavior than over him watching porn. However, if you're ok with not having any male friends or not going to parties where males may be present (THAT is most definitely fucked up, my dear..), then he should be ok with not watching porn. Compromise.
My view on porn in general, though, is it's not cheating simply because it's not emotional. The guy doesn't have an emotional connection with the scene he's watching; he's not even looking at her face. As for worrying he's imagining having sex with someone else; no worries, you're probably both there, which is why he likes the diversity. Guys are funny, but porn is essentially harmless. It's something guys watch when they are single or when their girl isn't feeling up to it. There are people with addictions to porn, and they definitely have problems, but for the most part it's normal to watch porn, even when in a relationship.
@forever_musing@xanga - LOL. Yea. I pretty much stopped when she started talking about he couldn't watch stuff with women that didn't look like her.
This issue in this relationship is how controlling and how little he trusts you. Both of you need to work on your problems with jealousy.
I only watched porn with one guy and it isn't because I consider it cheating or anything like that. There happened to be a porn flick on HBO when I was flipping channels, it caught his eye and I told him I could do it better.