I'm 22-years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 9 months. We've been through a lot. We were secretly dating with no one other than our best friends knowing. He's got a bad reputation: he's cheated, and people often say he has a really bad attitude towards commitments. I knew that if things were to go public, everyone I know would break us up. But at the time, I really fancied him, and we got on well. So we agreed to give a relationship a try, secretly.
We dated for six months, when he got a puppy. He made us feel like our relationship had matured, and we were a little family. I was still at university with a low-income part-time job, whilst he had a full time job that just about covered all our spending. Most of my income was saved up in my bank, in the hopes that it was building up for our future. He'd pay for pretty much everything in the relationship from the start, and if I chipped in, he'd feel uneasy.
Time passed and a few more people knew about our relationship - including our families. My parents were reluctant to accept him at first, but as I explained I had been with him for a year or so. They began to accept him.
As soon as I left university, I jumped straight into another job (another part-time job in hope to move to full-time). On the same day of my first shift, my boyfriend came to pick me up from work with a letter. He had been made redundant. The atmosphere was very awkward. We laughed it off but I could see the uncertainty and the stress between us.
He asked if he could move to another country. Without a doubt, I said no. I had a really tough time accepting the distance between us when I was at university with just an hour's drive! I wouldn't be able to handle a 9 hour flight. He recognized this as a selfish act. Was it wrong to hold on to my relationship?
His sister came over from another country to visit him. She's 33 and has been single for 10 years. He had told me she's not the easiest person to get along with, but I had to give in all my efforts to please her for the sake of our relationship, but she is without a doubt the rudest, most ignorant person I have met in my life. She invited people out to dinner when she knew that my boyfriend and I had not gone public yet. I assumed my boyfriend would know to turn her down or at least have a say to tell her off. He didn't and questioned why I couldn't go public.
They had put me on the spot; I wasn't ready to go public. We had an argument in front of her, publicly in a shopping center. She was adding to our anger when she would butt in and tell me to shut up. My boyfriend still loved me and told her to back off gently, but he was still shouting at me. In the end, I said I loved him, but it wasn't the time. He accepted that, turned her down, and drove her to dinner, and we had our separate dinner.
Later that week, his sister bumped into my parents and bad mouthed me to my parents, calling me a gold digger, rude and selfish. My parents called me to come home with my boyfriend immediately; I knew something was bad. My parents confronted to my boyfriend with what his sister had said. At first, he was in denial to comment, then he said there was nothing he could do, as that is his sister's personality. We demanded an apology. Not just to me, but to my parents too, as she is so disrespectful.
We gave him a week to talk to her. At first, she ignored it, and then she denied it. My parents were pushing me to demand an apology. He was not the only person stuck in the middle, as I was too, but he never saw that. I had enough of waiting, so I threatened to break up with him. To my surprise, he accepted the break up. My parents were still furious, as we have never met anyone like her. My mum called her to talk and subtly demanded an apology, but she yelled back at my parents. It was so disrespectful to talk to an elder like that.
Since then, she's gone back to the other country and my boyfriend disappeared, ignoring anything to do with me. One day, he sent a good luck text after hearing I'm looking for a dog of my own and looking for a new job. I asked to meet up to see our dog one last time. We had a good time. He cooked me dinner and took me home. In the car, I asked if I could see the dog again, maybe once a month, but he thought it was the last time we'd meet up so he turned me down.
He said he never wanted to see me again. I know he still loves me; he cooked me dinner, made sure I got home, and couldn't even look at me when I was crying. My friends said that he wanted to leave for the better of both of us, but I don't want to let go. I don't care about his sister's existence anymore, or the apology, as long as I have him back.
All I asked for was an apology from his sister for the rude comments she made about me. Why couldn't he stand up for me? Did his sister break us up? What can I do to change his mind?
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His sister did not break you up and the only thing I think you can do right now is move on.
What his sister did is inexcusable, but I don't believe it broke up your relationship. It sounds like he's using his sister's bad behavior as a way for him to make a quick exit. Just because he made you dinner and made sure you got home okay, it doesn't mean he loves you--it just means he's not heartless. I don't think I could ever be in a relationship like this. I think one should be proud to be with their significant other, and to be able to stand up for him/her. I'm not sure what you can do to change his mind, if it can happen.
Dump him! Move on! There are plenty of fish in the sea! Just give up already, damnit! It's the best way to realize you don't actually want what you want, but that you in-fact want someone/something else.
Eh hem...
To change his mind, tell him how you feel. If he doesn't respond well to that, give him an ultimatum and stay strong. Don't "move on"... that's just fucking stupid. Find a way to get what you want and deserve from the person you want and deserve, and never give up.
http://youtu.be/nv13TCH4Fk4?t=3m
His sister had nothing to do with your break-up, really. She may have been the catalyst, but from what I read, he wanted to end things anyway. Personally. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't go public - that shows that you care more about other people's opinions than you do about me and the relationship, and I couldn't deal with that kind of insecurity. As a follow-on, I also think it was really rude of you to turn down dinner with his sister - you didn't have to act like a couple together, you could just have been there and acted like friends, so I really don't see why you refused to go. I'd have questioned that as well.
Anyway, look, the relationship is over. I know you're hurting but he's obviously made up his mind and you need to accept that. Running after him and begging for a second chance makes you look immature and clingy, and it'll put him off ever wanting anything to do with you again. You just need to move on.
@IcECaT123@xanga - you mean redundant? I think she was trying to say that he was just rambling a lot, maybe beating around the bush?
@IcECaT123@xanga - haha I HATE AUTOCORRECT!
Not that I support you getting back with this guy..(anyone keeping it on the low is shady enough as it is) ..but you should never demand apologies. Learn to forgive without expecting hurtful people to apologize...
@IcECaT123@xanga- To be made redundant, in the context of this post, basically means he got a letter saying that his job was no longer needed. Essentially, he was fired.
This isn't about his sister, it's about your ex-boyfriend who never wants to see you again. Leave it at that.
Sounds like a cultural issue was in the way to me. The hiding your relationship and the family issues... It was pretty shitty what he did.
What @DrummingMediocrity@xanga said. Only consider how he feels and undermine your own feelings, wants, and desires, and intuition in favor of his (or rather, in favor of his lack thereof). That's a surefire way to find true and lasting happiness with no lifelong regrets...
It has to do with everyone involved and every circumstance that led up to how he feels now. Something changed and if you feel like his sister had something to do with it, it's a possibility worth considering.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I propose that she look past her short-term, emotion-driven yearnings for her long-term self-interest in the same way a drug addict should overlook his craving in pursuit of long-term health, happiness, and success.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - "It's all an orchestra of strings." - Aqua, Cartoon Heroes
Emotions ≠Drug cravings
The former exist as a result of millions of years of evolution and for social bonding and survival, the latter as a result of bad choices in combination with the former. Emotions that facilitate lasting cooperation and mutual benefit should not be overlooked... but just because they shouldn't be overlooked in no way does that mean they should be indulged in or acted upon either... and just because emotions and the indulgence therein shouldn't always occur in combination in no way does that necessitate their mutual exclusivity.
People have a bad habit of deeming feelings and emotions irrational and silly/immature but the fact of the matter is that they are demonized because of what often results from their existence in combination with a lack of self-control in an unhealthy environment full of negative, selfish individuals. It's like blaming firearms for crime.
I propose that she acknowledge her feelings are justified and are the direct result of his actions while simultaneously seeking a mutually beneficial solution (which involves considering every possibility including, but not limited to, the involvement of his sister and how it relates to her current situation).
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Nobody said her emotions are unjustified, and feelings cannot be irrational; actions can. Making the right choice for herself is what should guide her next actions. Feeling romantically attached to someone who doesn't return the sentiment does not propagate social bonding or survival. Redirecting that energy to a more receptive person WILL propagate social bonding and survival, which are part of her self-interest.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - "Feeling romantically attached to someone who doesn't return the sentiment does not propagate social bonding or survival."
First of all: It sure as hell isn't detrimental to social bonding or survival unless it is actively made to be by the decisions of the disinterested party which are the direct result of their feelings (or lack thereof) which are in no way more justified or valid than those of the person who feels romantically attached.
Second: Are you suggesting that two individuals must always spontaneously develop romantic feelings for one another at the exact same time for a relationship to manifest, and are you aware that if this is your way of thinking that it is wholly illogical (and practically impossible in the real world)? Someone has to take initiative/responsibility for a relationship to exist and to endure (optimally, but not necessarily, both people). The argument against it is "You can't single-handedly hold a relationship together." which is false... you can, but it's not optimal, which is equally the fault and responsibility of both individuals in a relationship, not only the person holding it together.
"Redirecting that energy to a more receptive person WILL propagate social bonding and survival, which are part of her self-interest."
The same could be said for redirecting sexual energy to a more receptive person whenever one's significant other isn't in the mood. It's along the lines of socially acceptable (and these days, overwhelmingly endorsed) opportunistic sluttery.
Preserving that energy for the person she wants is far more relevant to her current and future self-interests and his future self-interests should he happen to change his mind, which when compared to the chances of this sort of situation (or even worse relationship issues) occurring again with another person (because I'd really like to see a statistic that gives the ratio for unique partners to what one feels were happy/successful relationships that a person doesn't ultimately regret), will show that the former is far more likely to produce success.
Eventually you run out of more receptive people as you become decreasingly receptive to their receptivity.
"What you're attempting to argue is the beneficiality of learned helplessness and that is a fundamentally flawed argument when the circumstances are not environmental or inevitable but are in-fact another person's unethical, dynamic, and changeable decisions..." - Self
It is far more conducive to her self-interest to try to get him to change his mind rather than getting into the habit of accepting other people's hurtful decisions and actions as an inevitable part of her life instead of standing up for herself, not settling, and seeking happiness with who she actually wants instead of embarking on a self-entitled quest to obtain what she thinks she deserves without holding any one person responsible for her happiness (while conveniently holding any individual she is in a relationship with responsible for her unhappiness).
his sister sounds like a bitter angry bitch, and reminds me of my old coworker, who lives alone, been single for many years due to being extremely jaded and grudgeful towards her cheating ex-ahole husband. I see where she's coming from, and know why she wants to make everyone as miserable as her, but someone needs to set her straight with a few slaps across the face to demand respect
she seems like a bully. why would your parents believe her badmouthing?! unless what his sister says is actually true, then who cares what she says to your parents. your parents should know you better than she does to not side with her. his sister is a drama queen. her life is so lonely that she is likely rude on purpose to start fights with people to ruin their mood, because she is the grinch who hates seeing people happy. your ex-bf was probably tired of having to keep the relationship a secret as if you don't have confidence in the relationship. if the person isn't the type to put in the effort and patience for a long distance relationship, then it won't work. why would your parents demand an apology when she was badmouthing you? shouldn't she apologize to you instead
he seemed to want a serious commitment by asking you to move with him to another country or was it just him moving? does his sister live at the country where he is moving? if so, be prepared for drama for life. this relationship just sounds like drama all around.
Maybe he was tired of everything being so secret with you. Heck, you wouldn't "let" him move to another country to find work, but you wouldn't even let your relationship be public knowledge after a year of dating. If this was a guy insisting on a secret relationship, everyone on here would be suspecting he was cheating or ashamed of his girlfriend.
If you wanted an apology, don't demand for one bc you will get the opposite of what you asked for and a demanded apology is not sincere, anyways. His sister didn't break you two up. He broke up with you on his own will. Get over it.
well if you want to loosely threaten the notion of a break up in a heated fight, be prepared to accept the consequences.
your discontent towards his sister was valid, but the way you handled it made it seem like he was the one getting punished for her actions.
You sound very annoying, pushy and hard to handle. It looks like he was pretty fed up with your shit anyway.
jokes on you!
If your boyfriend cannot defend or support you, he's not worth holding on to.
Here's what I got out of this: You're with the guy for over a year, but you're still keeping him secret. And while you're keeping him secret, you also forbidding him from moving to a place where he probably would be happier. This is all kinds of crazy fucked up.
It seems you're mistaking kind gestures for love. You've spent a lot of time with each other, and he clearly still cares about you somewhat. But from what you've told us, it sounds like he was ready for the relationship to end. His sister definitely wasn't the cause, but she may have been the catalyst for him to do what he needed to do for himself. And while she may have been wrong to tell your parents that you're a gold digger, I think she definitely hit the nail on the head with rude and selfish. If anyone owes anybody an apology, you owe one to him and his family.
most people commenting here seem skewed to me. yes, his sister is not so nice, but she's evidently very perceptive, because you sound very selfish, very controlling, and immature. it seems like he is a nice guy who doesn't know how to break up or say no or stand up for himself.
this also sounds very similar to an American woman I know who has a Korean boyfriend. his family is very traditional.
leave him alone and go on with your life. request no apologies.
I don't understand why you couldn't tell people you were dating someone...you're an adult. If people don't like it when you tell them who you're dating then they can piss off...
This isn't a problem with his sister. Yeah, she was kinda an asshole, but I think she just pushed what she thought needed to be pushed.