Sunday, 02 December 2012
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Is That Bite Mark From A Guy? It Might Not Be...
Wonder why she's at the laundromat?Alright, Online Universe. I have to pose this question: Have you ever slept with a bunch of guys in one week? Just like, casually, whatever? Stop before you accuse me of first degree sluttery: each man fell into a different category:
1. Guy I Know From Life (Not Online) With Whom I Have Ridiculous Sex.
2. Guy I've Been Seeing From OK Cupid Who I Don't Know If I Like But It Seemed Like It Was Time For Us To Do It.
3. Guy I Went On First Date With And We Had Crazy Chemistry And Not Much Else.
Not terrible, right? I know, you're thinking: you should be more discerning with whom you let inside your lady parts! Okay, you're right. I should have more discretion. I totally realized it when I got home after man number three and felt kind of…dirty.
I don't mean in the "oh no, what if I get an STD" sense of dirty (CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, AMERICA. AND EVERY OTHER COUNTRY, WHILE I'M AT IT), but like, I need to take a shower dirty. Then a thought hit me: I have been in so many beds, and so many strangers have been in mine…that is like a recipe for bed bugs.
With zero confirmation of bed bugs, and o-dear-gawd I knock on the wooden table that my computer is on while I write this, I began to preemptively treat my bedroom for bed bugs. You know, like, worst case scenario.
So I vacuumed my room, and I hauled garbage bags upon garbage bags of bedding across the street to the laundromat, and tossed them in the dryer and blasted the high heat setting. I definitely felt like I was being watched, I mean, nothing says "bed bugs" more than "I am putting garbage bags of all of my dry clothes in a dryer!" Fortunately, I was stealthy enough that nobody noticed, or at least - nobody approached me about it. I was totally fearing this conversation:
Stranger: Umm…do you have bedbugs?Me: No! Why would you ever assume THAT!
Stranger: You're doing a bed bug treatment. Ugh, get away from me.
Me: No! Listen! I just slept with a lot of guys, and am scared that one may have brought one to my apartment.
Stranger: You totally do.
Me: Actually, I don't - knock on wood. It's just me taking precaution. You know, like getting azithromycin if you think you have chlamydia, or taking Plan B when you don't use a condom.
Stranger: Actually, precaution would be not having sex with a bunch of guys in the first place.
Realizing how ridiculous my thoughts sounded (taking azithromycin if I think I have chlamydia? Why should I think I have it in the first place?), I lost about ten dollars worth of quarters (which could have been spent on a number of things - coffee, beer, a small pack of condoms) paying for my lack of discretion. If you're fearful enough that you might have brought home something gross, why would you bring it home in the first place?
Look, I'm all for casual sex, and I'm not judging anyone who has a wild week. But I think we can all learn a lesson here: just because it's not bumpy and warty and testable or a baby doesn't mean it's something you don't have to worry about. And honestly, who wants to explain to a stranger at a laundromat that you're SCARED that one of the guys you boned this week MAY have bed bugs because it's NEW YORK?
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- From: miss_schloss
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Comments (20)
I wouldn't explain to a stranger in a laundry room about my misadventures...If they saw the bedbug treatment and tried to start up a conversation, I'd scratch myself and pretend to flick shit on them. If they still wanted to talk, I'd inch my dirty laundry toward theirs while scratching the shit out of my hair. I can't say I ever worried about bed bugs.
lol, i absolutely *loved* how ridiculously dumb this article was, and i even more love how much it screamd new york. (i could tell you were from the city by the end of the second bullet point, no joke.) thanks for writing--d-ish occasionally used to have articles like this but somewhere along the line, it seemed like everyone only wanted to write about virgins, slut-shaming, and cheating.
anyway, everyone in the city has bed bugs these days (sigh) so i wouldn't worry about a stranger giving you shit at the laundromat. plus, if you spend so much time worrying about bed bugs, you'll never get laid. by the way, drying your sheets isn't good enough--if your mattress is infected you're fucked because they'll come back into your sheets. do yourself a favor and go to a place like bbb and buy a bed bug mattress cover. that way, if you do ever get bed bugs, they won't infect your mattress, so you can totally get rid of them.
To answer your question, no I have never slept with a bunch of random guys in a week. I'm not one to judge what you like to do in your spare time.
It's not really anyone's business with what you're doing with your laundry. I mean sure, they might question why you're putting trash bags full of clothes in a dryer, and they're probably mentally asking questions..but after they leave with their laundry, they're not going to give you or your laundry a second thought. So you shouldn't either, and just finish your laundry business.
i think it's really strange to think you would have bed bugs. if a different guy i barely know slept in my bed every night, i'd probably be putting my sheets not only in the dryer, but the washer, too, just sayin'! i doubt anyone cared what you were doing
get a different hobby and you won't have to worry about bed bugs.. or any other "bugs"
and you washed all the stuff before you threw it in the dryer right?
(just thinking of all the nastiness you just baked into all your belongings... eeeeeew)
Sounds like a health kicker post to me, aside from the whoring about (yes thatg is me judging because it sounds pretty disgusting to me).Though there are loads of health issues there... so ya, Healthkicker.
you slept with a bunch of douchebags and now need to douche yourself with the douche cleanser rofl
I'm visualizing a circus of fleas hopping and attacking your body while you're asleep, then you wake up looking like a human watermelon:D because fleas remind me of watermelon seeds. ohmaaan, I'm also seeing you wearing a watermelon hat at the laundromat, then a kid asks his mom who is the crazy girl with the watermelon hat
1) No, I have never slept with more than one guy in a month, let alone a week.
2) If you didn't go out and sleep with random people, you wouldn't have to worry about bed bugs or another diseases and STD's.Nope.
And I'd say screw washing the sheets. If you have indeed been with so many people in one week...I'd just throw those sheets away completely and get a whole set of new clean sheets. If possible, a new bed.
P.S. I'd also tell the stranger it's none of his/her business what I'm doing. So rude.
"I totally realized it when I got home after man number three and felt kind of…dirty.
I
don't mean in the "oh no, what if I get an STD" sense of dirty
(CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, AMERICA. AND EVERY OTHER COUNTRY, WHILE I'M
AT IT), but like, I need to take a shower dirty."
I would hope you shower after every guy you sleep with and especially before sleeping with another one.
Everything else in this post aside, it's kind of funny how when we get self conscious of things, we start to feel that everyone is watching, judging and/or laughing at us. When in reality no one probably even noticed you or gave a crap.
They make "bed bug protector" mattress and pillowcase covers for your bed if you're really concerned about it. Think: Condoms for your bed!
I got bed bugs once, though I am a very clean person, from the tenants upstairs who bought an infected mattress off craigslist...sometimes you have no control over things like that. I guess you could get it from someone who has them sleeping in your bed, but more likely you will get them from travelling or your neighbors being infested.
Also, screw these haters saying don't sleep with "so many" guys...they're clearly just jealous assholes. I'm sure guys have many weeks like this. Do what you want, girl.
You're totally going to get slut-shamed b/c that's Xanga's favorite past time.
I thought this was hilarious.
i'm torn between laughter and confusion, so i'll just say: no, i've never had bed bugs, and having watched an episode of 'infested' featuring them, i hope i never will.
and really, even if someone did notice you were doing bug treatments on everything at the laundromat, bed bugs don't necessarily mean that you're a dirty person. they're attracted to warm body, no matter how many post-sex showers you've taken :P
Ugh, so many shitty, self-righteous replies. Notably none of them offer a reason for turning a nose up at sexual promiscuity. The bed-bugs thing in the post itself could be an argument except I think you're being massively, massively (but humorously) paranoid. Although if you aren't, that's a very legitimate problem NY needs to be sorting straight away.
Nothing wrong with having consensual sex with whomever you want.
I'm just shuddering thinking of all the grunge you just baked into your bedclothes. Gross.
Invest in a vinyl mattress cover, the kind that goes over the entire thing and zips up at the end. At least one thing in your room will be safe.
You explained yourself very well. Anonymous sex for the sake of being close to someone makes me even more isolated and alone. A 'real' connection where there is love and caring makes me feel so much better .
You are searching for something... I hope you find what you are looking for. You will find it if you look hard enough.
Look for it in the 'right' places. Good luck to you.
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Bedbugs are scary. It's good that you took the precautions.