Sunday, 02 December 2012
Alright, Online Universe. I have to pose this question: Have you ever slept with a bunch of guys in one week? Just like, casually, whatever? Stop before you accuse me of first degree sluttery: each man fell into a different category:
1. Guy I Know From Life (Not Online) With Whom I Have Ridiculous Sex.
2. Guy I've Been Seeing From OK Cupid Who I Don't Know If I Like But It Seemed Like It Was Time For Us To Do It.
3. Guy I Went On First Date With And We Had Crazy Chemistry And Not Much Else.
Not terrible, right? I know, you're thinking: you should be more discerning with whom you let inside your lady parts! Okay, you're right. I should have more discretion. I totally realized it when I got home after man number three and felt kind of…dirty.
I don't mean in the "oh no, what if I get an STD" sense of dirty (CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, AMERICA. AND EVERY OTHER COUNTRY, WHILE I'M AT IT), but like, I need to take a shower dirty. Then a thought hit me: I have been in so many beds, and so many strangers have been in mine…that is like a recipe for bed bugs.
With zero confirmation of bed bugs, and o-dear-gawd I knock on the wooden table that my computer is on while I write this, I began to preemptively treat my bedroom for bed bugs. You know, like, worst case scenario.
So I vacuumed my room, and I hauled garbage bags upon garbage bags of bedding across the street to the laundromat, and tossed them in the dryer and blasted the high heat setting. I definitely felt like I was being watched, I mean, nothing says "bed bugs" more than "I am putting garbage bags of all of my dry clothes in a dryer!" Fortunately, I was stealthy enough that nobody noticed, or at least - nobody approached me about it. I was totally fearing this conversation:
Stranger: Umm…do you have bedbugs?
Me: No! Why would you ever assume THAT!
Stranger: You're doing a bed bug treatment. Ugh, get away from me.
Me: No! Listen! I just slept with a lot of guys, and am scared that one may have brought one to my apartment.
Stranger: You totally do.
Me: Actually, I don't - knock on wood. It's just me taking precaution. You know, like getting azithromycin if you think you have chlamydia, or taking Plan B when you don't use a condom.
Stranger: Actually, precaution would be not having sex with a bunch of guys in the first place.
Realizing how ridiculous my thoughts sounded (taking azithromycin if I think I have chlamydia? Why should I think I have it in the first place?), I lost about ten dollars worth of quarters (which could have been spent on a number of things - coffee, beer, a small pack of condoms) paying for my lack of discretion. If you're fearful enough that you might have brought home something gross, why would you bring it home in the first place?
Look, I'm all for casual sex, and I'm not judging anyone who has a wild week. But I think we can all learn a lesson here: just because it's not bumpy and warty and testable or a baby doesn't mean it's something you don't have to worry about. And honestly, who wants to explain to a stranger at a laundromat that you're SCARED that one of the guys you boned this week MAY have bed bugs because it's NEW YORK?