Sunday, 02 December 2012

• Six (More) Confusing and Potentially-Disturbing Love Songs

  
  Not long ago, a list of six confusing and disturbing love songs was featured on Datingish.  At the end of the post, readers were asked to list other love songs that would fit on this list.  This supplement to the original list features both reader-picked songs and other songs selected by the author.  Enjoy!

  1) Song:  "Hello" (Lionel Richie)
  
  Video:
  Paraphrased song lyrics:  “I think about you and dream about you all the time.  All I need to do now is get up the guts to approach you, stare at you in the creepiest way possible, and say…(awkwardly-long pause)…HELLO.”

  Comments:  I will admit that the lyrics to this song, if taken on their own, are not all that creepy, and I initially was not sure why this song was suggested for placement on this list; then, however, I watched the video.

  In the video, Richie plays what appears to be a lecturer at a college (at least, I hope it’s a college and not a high school) who is madly in love with – get this! – his blind student.  The video features Richie’s character stalking this young lady, from following her down the hallways at school to sneaking up behind her and staring at her while she makes a sculpture in art class. 

  Worst of all, towards the end of the video, he even calls her house as she’s doing some night time reading (as a side note:  why does a blind person need a reading lamp?)  He spends a few seconds debating whether or not he should say anything to her when she picks up, but then, after a few seconds of silence he sings “Hello” into the phone receiver.  If I was the girl in the song, that would be the point when I quickly hung up and called the police.

  Here’s the real kicker: at the end of the video, Richie’s character is called into the art class, and he discovers that lo and behold, the student of his dreams was making a sculpture of his head all along, and it resembles him pretty accurately.

  Two questions come to mind:  First of all, earlier in the video, when Richie’s character was stalking this student in her art class, wouldn’t he have noticed that she was working on a sculpture of his face?  Or was he too enchanted by her beauty to realize that on a few inches away from her was a huge sculpture of his head?  The sculpture looked mostly finished at that point in time. 

  Secondly, and most disturbingly of all, if she’s blind, how is she able to make a sculpture of him that resembled him so closely?  The only way for that to be possible would be if she had spent a lot of time touching his face before…

  The video ends with the blind student placing her hands on her teacher’s face, and the viewer is left wondering if they are going to kiss and cross those student-teacher boundaries in the middle of class.  A great alternate ending to this video, if the setting was in a high school, would be to show them kissing while other students in the background call the police.  The last shot could be of the police dragging Richie’s character out of the school, kicking violently and screaming, “HELLO!”
  
  

  2) Song:  “Only the Good Die Young” (Billy Joel)
  
  Video: 
  
  Paraphrased song lyrics:  “Hey, your values and beliefs suck!  Push them aside and sleep with me!”
  
  Comments:   The main character in this song is arguing with his girlfriend that her religious beliefs shelter her from having fun – which, in his mind, is defined as getting in bed with him.  His main argument to convince her that it is okay to have sex with him is that she will eventually have sex in her life, so it might as well be with him.  In other words, he does not see this relationship as long term and probably has no intent on some day marrying her, so if she wants to follow her beliefs and wait until after marriage to have sex, he won’t be getting any action from her.
  
  Also, he asks her why she is trying to live out her life according to the church.  What’s so great about going to Heaven, he wonders.  After all, Heaven is not that great because the sinners aren’t there, and the sinners are more fun.
  
  The bottom line:  this is one of those “I don’t like you for who you are; change yourself so I can be happy” songs – the same message conveyed in the movie Grease.
  
  

  3) Song:  “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” (original: Frank Loesser; rerecorded by many others)
  
  Video: 
  
  Paraphrased song lyrics:  *Several minutes of, “Don’t leave, baby!” “But I really should go!” before the woman is finally convinced that she needs to stay and sleep with the guy that night*
  
  Comments:  This is one of those songs that plays on the stereotype that men only have one thing on their mind. 
  
  Woman: I have to go.
  Man: It’s cold outside.  Come in for some drinks.
  Woman: But if I don’t leave, people will get the wrong idea.  My reputation among my family and friends is on the line.
  Man: Just stay.
  Repeat 345983453459x
  
  Okay, so the man in this song is trying his hardest to get the woman to stay with him, and he does not seem to care that by staying, this woman is putting her reputation and standing with her close family members on the line.   He just wants her to sleep with him.  That’s not selfish at all.

  Also, his main argument for her to stay over is that it’s cold outside.  Not that it’s snowing hard, not that the biggest hailstorm in history is passing through, not that an avalanche is going to bury them in snow – just that it’s cold.  Really?  That’s the best you can do to try to convince her to stay?  Somehow, it works for him, though.
  
  

  4) Song:  “Achy Breaky Heart” (Billy Ray Cyrus)
  
  Video:
  
  Paraphrased song lyrics:  “You can tell your mom, brother, aunt, or any of my various body parts anything you want about our break up, but keep it a secret from my heart.”

  Comments:  What’s the best way to make rhymes?  Take two words that already rhyme and tack on the same unnecessary letter to the end of both words.  Achy breaky.  Meatg featg.  Boyl toyl.  Breado heado.  Makes perfect sense.

  Why is the man in this song personifying his body parts and acting as if the woman is going to want to converse with them individually?  It’s over, dude.  If she’s done with you, I’m sorry, but she’s not going to have a conversation with your arms, feet, and eyes, and, if you wanted her to talk to your arms, legs, etc. while you were in a relationship, well…it’s not much of a wonder why she may have left you.
  
  

  5) Song:  “Puppy Love” (Donny Osmond)
  
  Video:
  Paraphrased song lyrics:  “People don’t take my love seriously because I’m just a teenager. I hate how other people don’t think teenagers can be as upset over love because they are young. I may be young, but other people can’t tell me that I can’t fall madly in love.  They can’t understand.  They’ll never understand!  Oh, and I guess I miss the chick who just walked out of my life.”
  
  Comments:  Is it just me, or does the teenager in this song spend about half of the song talking about the fact that other people doubt that a teen can be in love?  If he puts that much of time into focusing on what other people think and not as much time talking about the fact that his girl is gone, he must not have been as “in love” as he thought he was. 
  
  Also, is he really in his teens?  With a voice that high?  Donny Osmond was truly the Justin Bieber of his time.
  
  

  6) Song:  “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” (Rupert Holmes)
  
  Video: 
  
  Paraphrased song lyrics:  “I’m getting bored in my marriage, so I’m going to try to have an affair by answering a personal ad and meeting with the new woman at a local bar. Oh hey, the woman from the personal ad is actually my wife!  She was bored with our marriage, too.  HAHAHAHA, for some reason, both of us find our mutual attempt at cheating on one another funny.”
  
  Comments:  This song is entertaining because it discusses a situation that would probably never happen in real life, and I’m not sure why this song is usually considered a love song.  At the beginning of the song, the man describes his relationship with his wife as being “like a worn-out recording of a favorite song.”  So romantic, I know…

  The man goes through this entire song anticipating meeting up with this new woman and cheating on his wife, and at the end, he discovers that the new woman he’s meeting up with is his wife after all!  So his wife discovers that he was planning to have an affair, and he discovers that she was planning to have an affair.  How do they react?  By saying, “Oh, it’s you,” and “I never know…”  No bickering, no “I knew it!”, no unnecessary name-calling.  Perhaps they both downed a few Pina Coladas before they met up…

  Also, how could these two individuals have planned to meet up ahead of time and not have at least exchanged names?  Even first names.  Wouldn’t they get an idea of what might be going on when the husband discovered that the woman had his wife’s name, and the wife discovered that the man had her husband’s name?

  
  What do you think of these songs?  Can you think of any other songs whose lyrics and/or music video greatly disturb you? 
  
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