Sunday, 02 December 2012

  • Why You Shouldn't Want to "Hang Out"


    I get this text from guys I'm dating - er, hanging out with - quite frequently:

    Hey! You wanna hang out? (Or I get some other kind of variation on it: Wanna hang? Let's hang! Hang Man! Etc.) While some may be quick to say, "Guys are asking to spend time with you! You're a very lucky lady," I'm willing to wager otherwise - and I use the word "wager" warily because it implies spending money, which I probably shouldn't offer to do. 

    What happened to the date? No one asks anyone out for a date! It's all "hanging out," which is totally casual. I get it - it takes the pressure off, specifically in the universe of free online dating. (Where's the pressure, my friend? You didn't pay!)

    I'm just offering this up for conversation, ladies: why do we settle for things that begin as "hang outs" as opposed to "dates…" and then get disappointed when relationships never happen? When he doesn't call? I'm willing to attribute it to linguistics. I'm not saying to rule out the possibility of a friendship turning into a relationship - those can be the most genuine - but in this day and age of the online date (which, if I were paid, would be a PRO at), the phrase "hanging out" seems to simply detract from courtship.

    Look, I'm not saying you have to come to my doorstep with a horse and a bouquet of roses, because that could be kind of weird, but why not at least suggest that I might be more than just "someone with whom you hang out?" 

    How do we break the "casual/friend/hang out" zone?

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Comments (25)

  • Erika_Steele@xanga

    I preferred hanging out.  I'm a homebody.  If I was more serious about a guy I'd rather make him a nice dinner and dessert at my place or his and be somewhere quiet where we can have a private conversation than to go out to some restaurant, play miniature golf or whatever else people do on a date.   If you want to find a guy that likes to go out, then find one. Don't play games.  Say you don't want to just hang out and let him know what you would rather do.  Also, if you feel like a guy sees you as something casual and/or friend zoning you and you want more from the relationship, talk to him about it and tell him what you are looking for.  Don't say crap like I'm shuffling b/c you don't want to just hang out.  If I were a dude and some chick said that shit to me I'd be like shuffle on then and move the fuck on.
  • brianchristopheryates@xanga

    Oh, you talk about dating.

  • Lost__In_My_Mind@xanga

    Some people like hanging out. The first time my boyfriend & I met, we decided to have a bonfire & chill with a couple good friends of mine. It was the best first date ever because we got to know each other with literally no pressure at all. He takes me out now, though, but most of the time we hang out.

    Dates really are expensive & I know if I were "required" to pay for every date, every time, I'd be doing a lot of hanging out, too, until I knew I liked him enough to... erm... feel like the relationship is worth investing in, I suppose is the term I'm looking for.
  • iheartmoyna@xanga
    @Lost__In_My_Mind - what she said.

    Sometimes the best way to get to know someone is by simply hanging out, and if there is chemistry, then well yeah you know the rest. But sometimes people just use the word hanging out instead of date because its less scary and not much of a commitment. At the end of the day, a date is pretty much hanging out with each other right? I think in the beginning of something, one shouldn't dig too deep, just go with the flow, and let the rest unravel.
  • wyrdkismet@xanga

    "Every day I'm shuffling!" xD

    Well then maybe people shouldn't take "hanging out" so seriously. He probably doesn't see you as more than a friend so don't expect it.

  • eshunt@revelife

    In my time, there wasn't so much an option to hang out.
    If there had been, maybe you all might be better off.
     
    If my generation had taken time to know the SO long
    before getting into dating, then maybe the values of
    deep caring and raising families might have become
    objective of spending time alone... dating.

    Now, before my time, there was the time of my
    grandparents... probably a great gran for most of you.

    See, they believed in supervision. Young ladies were
    supposed to not be alone with young men until there
    was an agreement of the families... those people 
    stayed together after marrying... most of my parents
    generation did so too, although many more had a 
    second marriage.


    Maybe the times are returning to something that
    works better.

    I hope so!
      
  • isitreal_no@xanga

    To me 'hanging out' just means that you're not dating. Which is good because I try to get to know people before I jump into dating them or a relationship. My relationships pretty much progress like this:


    I meet them


    We start hanging out


    Then once that works after a while we start 'seeing eachother'


    Then when it's getting more serious we're dating


    And then when we're exclusive we're in a relationship


    :) That's the relationship stages according to me hahaha

  • lenybobsyouruncle@xanga

    hanging out lacks specifically what you want. so don't do it. dating lacks something the other party seems to want, so maybe that isn't viable either.


    however, there are never simply 2 options.
  • ShirleyD@xanga

    The thing to do is be forward. Clarify if it is a date or not. That if it ain't a date, then he better not be trying to hold your hand. But that is what I did in dating. I got to the point. If a man is going to ask me out, he better make sure it is known it is a damn date. I've had those awkward moments where the guy goes to pay and I am asking him why and he say's it's cuz I asked you out and them I'm wondering when this was decided to be a date since he said "hang out".n So be the grown up and ask. =)
  • theflutegangsta@xanga

    Set new boundaries. Don't "hang out" if it's just the two of you. Hanging out with a group is okay, but if it's just the two of you then it needs to either be a date (in which he needs to make that known in his asking, and not via text) or not happening. 
  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    from my experiences, if the guy is very interested in me, he'll be eager to pay. he'll wait until I go to the bathroom to cue the waiter to pick up the check. or they drive fast to show off their driving skills as if saying: vroom vroom can you feel my testosterone vrooming out of my sexy engine you know you vanna sex me badly

  • DreamsOfReality@xanga

    If he doesn't want to hang out EVERYday, that's fine, but if you haven't seen him in weeks, then maybe he's not interested in you. Try not to bring up the subject of commitment too soon, if you haven't already, that usually will scare away the best of guys. :P
  • lovehurts_sobad@xanga

    i don't get what's so wrong with hanging out? and yes, it takes the preasue out of a situation for a boy and it should aswell for you. take the chance to get to know someone like he is without posing and trying to just show the best of him and such.


    sometimes i feel like people today are so busy, they have to decide the first or second time you meet them, if they want to have a relationship with you or if they just want to be friends. personally i don't think this is the right way. but if you just want to meet a guy if he wants a date with you you should tell him. just ask if he means a date or just hang out. maybe the boy already ment a date but did't want to ask straight forward

  • JusticeCho@xanga

    Eh when I say hang out I mean hang out. When I want dates I usually say wanna go on a date? To which they generally say no way weirdo stay away.

    But basically if you want them to date you or you want to go on a date with whoever is texting you to hang out just say so.  Not that hard. If he doesn't want to he'll say it straight out, save yourself all that confusing worry you were talking about.
  • aanjaa@xanga

    @eshunt@revelife - I like the traditions of how courtship was handled back then.

    I believe in having supervision most of the time for the youth now. But that's because that goes with my belief of waiting on God's timing. So I don't really encourage a male and female to be alone together, because in this generation, temptation is taking over quicker than it ever has in the past. And that's the results of so many now single teenage mothers and higher abortion rates compared to the last century. Especially with technology and the use of the Internet, social networking and online dating have now taken over the lives and this generation. Which is in some ways beneficial, but I'd still like to think that at least some people had some type of conservation for themselves of their time and money (and feelings) rather than going out and dating people, err.. well, "trying out relationships" just to know that they're more than likely going to get hurt in the end.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I think that if you're trying to court someone, make sure that it's truly what you want and if anything, you're expecting to get hurt some type of way because the person won't be perfect and there will come a time where you will both have misunderstandings or disagreements. It's up to you how you handle the situation and if you're going to forgive each other about whatever it is. Now if you know you're not serious, then "hanging out" shouldn't be a problem.

    I agree that a date and a hang out somewhat differ from one another. But I think it shouldn't matter about money and who pays for whatever it is you're doing. I think a date is more of a formal thing, and a hang out is casual, but in the end, you're both alone or with other company, which would then be considered a double date or a group hang out. Either way, the whole point of "hanging out" and "dating" is to get to know each other better, right?

  • seasidehearts@xanga

    I would prefer hanging out personally, but EVERYONE'S short on money in this economy. So I really hope you're not implying it's not a date unless the guy pays for all of it cuz that's kind of what you're making it sound like.
  • Endrath@xanga

    The phrase "hang-out" allows people to throw out the dictionary-length work entitled "Dating Rules, Gestures, and Hidden Meanings: The story how what someone says is not actually what they 'said', and the lost art of lying about your entire life."

    Okay, so maybe I'm a BIT cynical...

    The entire "date" experience carries too many connotations and questions for it to be enjoyable for some people.  Does he want to sleep with me?  Do I think she thinks I want to sleep with her?  Oh my god, what if he thinks that I think that he thinks he just wants to sleep with me?  Was his car recently washed, if not, is he a slob?  Should I order a drink with dinner, or will he think I'm a slut?  If he carries $20s in his wallet, is he unsafe with money?  If he has $1s, is he going to a strip club later?  She wore a dress, did she expect a four-star restaurant?  She's got cat hair on her dress, should I tell her?

    Frankly, all of it is rather annoying, as well as distracting from the purpose of actually getting to know someone.  The "date" environment is best left until after a "hangout" or fifteen, and the two of you have some actual compatible hobbies and interests and enjoy spending time together.

    Of course, I see all of this as prelude to a relationship, not glitzed up preambles to glittery sex... so if that's what you are doing at these "hangouts" or "dates", and that's your overall goal... then well, best of luck I suppose.
  • sugar_mama@xanga

    this topic has to be the best one i've read here on lovelyish in ages
  • willjogforicecream@xanga

    I'm new to this world of dating so forgive me for the lack of knowledge, but if a guy asks to "hang out" with the implication of it being just the two of you, is there also the implication that it's a date? I just moved to a new city and got a new job, and a guy at work wants to "hang out" and show me around because I expressed interest in outdoorsy things and said I didn't know where the good spots were around here. I assumed it was just friendly so I agreed, but now he seems a little overly eager to "hang out" and I'm starting to wonder.....
  • SimplyNita@xanga

    I know what you mean. This one guy I was talking to used to ask me to "hang out", I knew he really meant he wanted to go on a date, because we would talk about it, but saying hang out was such a turn off. It made me not want to date him as much. 
  • articulate_silence@xanga

    I assume all "hang outs" are innocent unless otherwise specified. If a guy continuously asks me to hang out and I have feelings for him, I'll attempt to initiate things further. I'm not going to wait for them to break the from-hanging-out-to-real-date barrier. If you are sick of them asking to just "hang out" ask them to go on a date. If money is an issue, opt for a cheap date, like a walk at the park. Then you'll know if they just want to "hang out" or actually want to take things further.


    My current SO did this with me. We "hung out" a lot for a little while, and I sort of took him out for a nicer evening just to test the waters, and then not long after he asked to go on an "official" date. It wasn't anything fancy, just a movie and shakes, evenly split.
  • math_music_me@xanga

    I realize this may noy be entirely what you're getting at, but this is the subject popping in my mind when I read this:

    I wish more girls were up for simply hanging out more often. As is, it feels like there are a lot of people like you, who feel like somebody hanging out with you a lot should turn into something more, and that's frustrating. It used to be the case where my main reason (not that I knew it at the time) for going out with somebody was so I could hang out with them a lot, which could then be a big problem when they feel differently. So I guess what I'm saying is, stop trying to require that if a guy hangs out with you, he should be interested in more! Why can't we just hang out a lot?
  • biggirlsdontcriyiyiyi@xanga

    I prefer 'hanging out'. I like less pressure.
  • manUfan420@xanga

    You're upset that guys might want to hang out and be just friends with you?  Seriously?  Grow the fuck and stop complaining that people like you.
  • jenigrins@xanga

    I guess talk about it? hanging out is a euphemism though - do you really expect him to ask you, "wanna go on a date?" every time he wants to see you?

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