After suffering for years in my marriage without change in my husband's behavior, I'm now planning for a divorce. My husband loves gambling very much. He doesn't care about how to get money, rather how to spend it. We're in so much debt now that we can't even pay. However, my husband doesn't care about our debt caused by his bad habit. I am the only one who cares about taking care of our child, getting money, and all things in our marriage. It's as if I live for myself and my daughter.
I have been waiting for him to change for about 7 years. I always try to change my own behavior and I always pray to God to give me a way out. I'm so tired. My family in law also don't care about his behavior and always judges me. Actually, my parents never gave approval to me to get married to him. However, I didn't obey what they suggested. So, we married without my parents' approval. Yes, I regret it. I can't stand up for this marriage and my husband's behavior.
So, should I keep waiting for him to change even if it sacrifices me and my daughter's happiness (last year my daughter had to get out of her school cause by our inability to pay the school fee)?
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Stop wasting your time. Unless he is showing signs that he can see he has a gambling problem, gambling is going to be his number 1 priority.
No.
Don't wait.
He'll never change until he adopts a program and that means he's probably got to bottom out; as they say.
On the way to his bottom you must expect more debt and legal hassles.
Ask your family/friends to help you, pick a date, get moved and never say a word about it... until he can't throw himself in front of you.
Otherwise, if he's ever abused or been close to doing so, get a restraining order and force him out. If you discuss any of this with him, he'll probably just make it more difficult than it already is.
My heart goes out to you for your success.
Key word: Husband
Work through it.
It's been seven years. If he hadn't gotten help by himself or you pushing him, he ain't gonna start now. Speak with an attorney and discuss your options. You and your daughter shouldn't be suffering for his actions, but you do need to wake up and smell the fresh air!
Okay I am a gambling addict but at least I pay all my bills/rent/fees first before I gamble everything away. If he wants to still gamble, he should set aside some money and find out what's left AFTER he pays everything then he wouldn't be in this problem. If it is causing you serious debt so much that you had to do that with your daughter then that is not a healthy relationship. At this point, I would give him an ultimatum and hopefully pulling your daughter out of school because you guys couldn't pay it is a wake up call for him to slow down and/or stop gambling until he gets back on track.
My mom's husband (she is currently going through a divorce) liked to drink and gamble. He would spend ALL of his money on booze, lottery tickets, and scratch offs, then blame his lack of money for bills on me and my brother. He drove her so far into debt, racking up her credit card bills, spending all of her savings... He said he would change, he didn't.
The BEST thing my mom ever did was leave him.
@xinq@xanga - "Okay I am a gambling addict but at least I pay all my bills/rent/fees first before I gamble everything away."
*huge smile* I used to be exactly like that.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Marrying someone doesn't give them the right to ruin your life. After having a child, that child comes first, then the marriage. It is harming her child's future. It seems like a no brainer to me.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - stop talking to me idgaf what you think. get a life.
@Saridactyl@xanga - I know.
I'm kind of torn on this because I personally wouldn't intentionally do anything that I know would be detrimental to my SO or child's life (if I had one), but at the same time leaving her husband would hurt him and the best thing in my opinion would be for them to work through it together. The whole point of a relationship is that it benefits both parties in good times and bad, both collectively and personally, and both people should support each other in the best way they can. If he doesn't want to quit, then I would totally agree that she should leave him, but if he knows it's wrong and wants to quit, she should stick by him and help him no matter what.
@xinq@xanga - First amendment, bitch. Until you respond to me I'm not talking to you, I'm talking at you. You can either like it or you can STFU yourself.
Sorry, if he hasnt changed in 7 years, hes not going to. Your child is more important than a marriage with a man who risks the financial safety of you and your daughter.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - he's a full time gambling addict and not her "husband" but a deadbeat debt accumulator.
Stage an Intervention, help him get help. Find a counselor, psychiatrist, etc.
I know heaps of asian relos and family friends with a huge gambling addiction. Some have rarely been able to stick it together(they relapse later and do it behind their so's back or borrow a gambling friend;s money) on the surface but most of the time, the gambler has gambled into their own house mortgage and a divorce follows.
if he isn't willing to change, get out of there for your sake and your child's.
You cant change someone who doesn't want to change.
If it has been 7 years already and he doesn't see a problem with it, there is something wrong with him. Imo, I think you'd be much happier without him. Good luck.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - clearly no one agrees with your logics to work it out. She gave him seven years and he still hasn't changed. Why don't you stop talking? You're just making a fool of yourself.
He doesn't seem willing to change his habits at all, & because of that I would tell him it's gambling or your family; his decision.
@xinq@xanga - "I have been waiting for him to change for about 7 years."
I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like taking a very active role in the marriage to me. She "gave him" 7 years? She's not a judge. She's not a jury. She's not a warden. She is 50% of a 2-person team called a husband and wife and she sure as hell isn't the sole dictator when it comes to making decisions that drastically effect both of them and their child. You can argue that he is making decisions she disagrees with but when it comes to love/relationships/marriage you don't fight an injustice with another injustice. It's not about 'getting back at him' by leaving him and if she cares about him at all she will stick with him and try to work it out.
You @T3hZ10n@xanga said "If he doesn't want to quit, then I would totally agree that she should leave him, but if he knows it's wrong and wants to quit, she should stick by him and help him no matter what." THEN later: "You can argue that he is making decisions she disagrees with but when it comes to love/relationships/marriage you don't fight an injustice with another injustice."
You are seeing that the male causes harm. Sure they are married. I hope that if she comes around to leaving him or getting him put out that he will actually get real help and stop with making empty promises. From what henny81 says, he's just taking them deeper into disaster... over and over.
She tries to change her thinking and behavior (she said)... all failed so far.
She clearly came here not just to hear LEAVE Him from me. I still say to do that though.
What would she do if not leave?
Suffer more is what seems likely; she and a child suffering more... not doing him injustice... escaping harm is what she would be doing if she ends it with him.
Unless you're actively trying to get him help and he wants to change, then leave. It's been 7 years.....don't let it get to 14 years and have no way out.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - And once again you prove to us all that you know absolutely nothing when it comes to relationships. (I've dated addicts. You couldn't possibly be more wrong.)
Thank u for all your comments. Now, we have lived separately for about 18 months caused by this problem. I am starting to rearrange my own financial and also my life. I live with my mom and my daughter. My husband lives with his parents but does nothing to change his bad habit and to get money. We haven't decided to divorce yet. I don't want to depend on him or his parents anymore. Yes, I still hope he will change. But, if he doesn't, I prefer to live without him. Because I don't want him to harm my daughter's future. Thank u so much for supporting me. God must bless u all....
@bloggicus_maximus@xanga - Oh fucking whine about it. You're clearly jealous of me.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Oh no, you've found out I'm jealous of a guy with no relationship or life experience whatever shall I do?