Call me stupid, but in the beginning of my last relationship,
I gave my boyfriend the password to my Facebook account. I honestly barely questioned the action at the time. I wasn't hiding anything. I was in love and thought we'd be together forever. Also, a password isn't permanent-- I knew I could always change it if things got bad. Well, things got bad, and I was not prepared for what I'd endure.
After being together for 11 months, my boyfriend and I were spending the summer together working at a sleepaway camp. A month into the summer, it became clear that we were going to break up. We started fighting all the time, I heard he'd been intimate with other girls, and I was losing interest myself. I wanted to confide in my best friends back at home about what was going on, so one night,
I changed my Facebook password and sent a private message to my friend about my dilemma-- about how things had turned pretty bad, my boyfriend was seen with another girl, and how my friend Jake at home had been texting me all summer long.
The next morning, my boyfriend approached me looking angry as ever. He crossed his arms and said, "Who's Jake?" I immediately freaked out. How had he been able to read my message? I changed my password! Then I realized... I had also
e-mailed the same message to another friend who didn't have Facebook. While trying to log into my Facebook that morning, my boyfriend realized I changed my password and became suspicious. He then used the same password to get into my email account and read the message I sent to my friend all about him.
Obviously, we ended up breaking up. And now I acknowledge that it was partially, if not wholly, my fault for giving him my password at one point. At the same time, I would've felt weird if he had withheld his password from me when we were very in love-- I'd be questioning what he was hiding from me.
So, the question remains: Is it okay, in a serious relationship, to not give your SO your password? In an ideal world, I think that I'd want my SO to be willing to share his password with me, but I would never look at his private stuff. That way, both partners feel a high degree of trust in the other. If I knew that my boyfriend wouldn't mind if I looked at his e-mails, I'd feel confident that there was nothing for me to look at. But maybe I feel too great a sense of entitlement. Maybe I don't have the right at all to care if he has something to hide.
What do you think? What are the rules of sharing passwords in relationships today? image source
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Comments (37)
I think it's both, fine and very stupid. I'd have no issues with giving it, but have been on the receiving end of a person snooping through everything I did just looking for something to get mad at me for.
I'd gladly give her have my password(s). I find insecurity cute, partly because I would never cheat on a SO, but mostly because it shows they care.
I wouldn't give out my password, nor would I ask for his. You never know what the person will do out of spite.
This is why I make sure all my passwords are different. At least for my "important" accounts, like Gmail, Facebook, Xanga, Tumblr, etc.
I live with him We have a two dogs together. Our clothes and shoes are mixed together. Our life, is together! No point hiding anything from each other. His logins are all available to me if I wanted to look. So are mine. He can look into anything mine because what is mine, is his in my mind. =)
Is it smart? I dunno. But it feels right.Hmm. My brother and a couple really close friends know my passwords, but I don't think I'd share them in a relationship.
I just think it's extremely rude. It invades the privacy of YOUR friends who might be messaging you in private, and who might be writing things they don't want other people to see.
no, if I wouldn't give the key to my home to him, then I wouldn't give him my password. maybe if we were dating 10 years and/or married. casually dating or not dating that long isn't password worthy. my bf said that he'd have a joint bank account with me but I declined. he trusts me not to spend it all
I don't know why most guys say that they trust me. am I that adorable that they feel compelled to say; here take my money! take everything! I'm yours
watching kpop vids helped me learn how to hynotize my own fans
I never asked for my bf's password and he's never asked for mine. I just really don't see the point. If I were to go into his email or facebook or anything there would be nothing to find.
However, my boyfriend and I both know eachother's debit card pin numbers. To most that would probably seem more risky than exchanged facebook passwords because HELLO that's money. But we're both the type of people to never steal, no matter how bad things got.
OH AND OP-"maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both"!
I don't have or want my boyfriend's passwords to anything. I know he would never cheat on me, or at least not cheat on me and then not tell me. The guilt would kill him.
We both have nothing to hide, but if we had access to those things we would both become paranoid and snoop-y, and that would just create more problems.
Also... I don't have a Facebook. So there really is nothing to hide there.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
I've given out passwords in past relationships, but it's not something I do anymore because I think respecting each others privacy is synonymous with respecting their autonomy, as well as showing that you trust them.
I trust my husband, he trusts me, but do we share our passwords to our personal social networking sites and emails? No. We don't have anything to hide, but we also like our privacy, too.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - Yep.
I won't share my passwords with SOs, but it has nothing to do with how much I trust them and it's far from an indication that I'm hiding something relevant to them from them. I would simply prefer to know that, if someone else I care a lot about needs or wants to tell me or send me something private, I'm not compromising the other person I care a lot about.
The last time I exchanged passwords with someone, I was in high school. I don't think it's a necessity nor does it equal trust. My boyfriend has journals he keeps and writes in regularly laying around his apartment, and one he brings with him when he stays with me. Those are his private thoughts, I would never read them. I trust him, and he trusts me enough to leave them with me. Why would I need his Facebook password? I have one of his email passwords, and it's only because I was sending out his resume for him because he doesn't have internet. I didn't even look in his inbox.
There is nothing wrong with choosing to exchange passwords, but I feel that there are so many others ways to display trust. I also feel that even though we share most things, both of us are entitled to our privacy.
A high degree of trust is not being interested in their password at all, because you know you have nothing to worry about. Requiring knowledge of their password basically states that you only trust them because they know you might catch them.
I know my husbands passwords to everything. And he knows mine. He looks at my phone, I look at his. We have nothing to hide. It was like this before we got married. We don't hide anything.
I don't share my password anymore, but if she wants to look at my accounts while I'm logged in, then that's fine.
I had a girlfriend who jumped me with questions about messages she read from a past relationship and it caught me completely off-guard, mainly because I don't remember details from old conversations offhand. Yet those conversations were very real and current to her because she had just read them and had mentally immersed herself in them for whatever reason. If we had read them together or if she had read them while I was around and asked me questions in real-time, that would have been fine and probably even fun. I'm just not a fan of being ambushed and interrogated about stuff I barely remember. The fact that I didn't seem to know what she was talking about also made her seem to trust me less. But I have nothing to hide, I'd just like to know the context of whatever it is I'm being asked about. I'd like to be in on the me-stalking.
I'd also like for these comment boxes to stop inserting paragraph breaks when I italicize things.
Lord, why would I want to know all the demented workings she bothers to keep SECRET?
The ones she TELLS me about are intriguing, exhausting, interesting, disgusting, liberating, and disturbing enough without my prying around for OTHERS.
Sheesh, next thing you'll be asking me to check what she keeps in the closet, or in that locked box under the bed that looks like a pirate chest and makes strange noises during the full moon.
all my (close) friends know my password but i don't think i'd tell a girl. too risky and they're too crazy.
i have had a RIDICULOUSLY CRAZY ex-boyfriend.
i did not have computer access for a year and used facebook on my phone. he was mad i changed my password so he tried so many login attempts on purpose so it locked me out. i couldn't access my facebook until i had computer access again.
so i don't even let boyfriends have my facebook e-mail in the future!
also for the record he did much worse things, that isn't what made him crazy.
I don't see why it should be assumed that you SHOULD exchange passwords. What's the use? It seems more like showing off that you have nothing to hide, when you should be able to trust each-other enough not to need that proof.
I happen to know a few of my BF's passwords from when he has actually asked me to log in to things for him, but I can't see any other reason why it would come up.
Ehhh, no thanks. I would feel like a creeper because with the password, I'd just feel this uncontrollable need to snoop, & if I did it, I'd feel like I just proved I don't trust him, & if I didn't, I would spend the rest of our relationship wondering if I should.
I think you're allowed to have privacy in a relationship in certain aspects. I mean, I don't want to have to monitor every text, email or facebook comment/whatever that I make because I'm paranoid someone else might take it the wrong way. I just feel like it's a bad idea to share passwords.
You had the same password for your email and your facebook?
I think its ok.But if He dosent want to give you His pasword then He maybe Hideing something from you.I just asked a realy close friend of mine if I can get His Facebook pasword because he is locked up in Prison and wont be free till 2015 and I just wanted to update his close friends on his Sentenceing.So I will see if He gives it to Me in my Next Letter.Trust is somone what of a issue for Me but im overcomeing it some what.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - Basically.
Like the password to the laptop, sure, because I personally have nothing to hide, but social networking includes other people and I know those other people would hate the knowledge that anyone, even someone they don't know, was privvy to their information because of me.
i don't think giving out a password would be instrumental towards transparency in a relationship, because an important factor is maintaining and respecting personal space.