Thursday, 29 November 2012
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He Had Weeks to Live; They Got Married
Where will you be ten years from now? At this point in time, you probably have a general idea of where you want to be, but because of life’s unexpected twists, turns, and curve balls, it is impossible to plan out every detail of your future life this far in advance. Bethany and Ryan were a couple of 24 year olds who were young and in love, and they planned to have a bright future together. Little did they know that Ryan’s health would cause their future plans to change dramatically.Bethany and Ryan met while they were freshmen at the University of Oregon. They were very much in love right from the start, and after they graduated from college, they both acquired jobs, moved in together, and even adopted their own cat. Although they were not yet engaged, they knew that an engagement – and ultimately a marriage – was in their future.
Unfortunately, Ryan was diagnosed with stage four testicular cancer. Initially, there was hope that Ryan’s cancer treatments could be effective in helping him overcome the cancer, and Ryan tried to resume his normal daily activities/schedule. He decided to propose to Bethany, and five months later, when they learned that Ryan’s condition was getting worse and he did not have long to live, Ryan and Bethany, with help from their family and friends, planned their entire wedding in three days and weremarried in December 2011.
Ryan and Bethany knew that their time together was limited, so they spent every day in each other’s company, enjoying the happiness of their marriage. They were married only six weeks before Ryan passed away. Bethany said that although Ryan’s passing filled her with sadness, she is thankful that she found true love in her lifetime. Their marriage was short lived because of Ryan’s cancer, but Bethany said they made memories that can never be taken away from them.
I very much admire Ryan for his strength in fighting his cancer and Bethany for standing by his side through it all, and I am happy that they got to share a beautiful wedding day together. Sadly, in many cases like this where one person is diagnosed with a terminal condition, I have heard of examples of significant others breaking off their relationships as a means of emotionally distancing themselves before the person who is terminally ill passes away. They believe that by doing so, that they will not be as hurt when the person is gone.
Not only do actions like this emotionally hurt the person with the condition, who is already suffering an immeasurable amount of physical pain, but many times abandoning the relationship also leaves the significant other with a sense of guilt after the person who is ill has passed away: if your relationship is otherwise going well, why leave somebody when that person needs your love and support the most?In your opinion, is it a good idea to get/stay involved in a relationship with a person who is suffering from a terminal condition? If you were not yet married but planned to marry some day and your significant other only had a few months to live, would you marry that person?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
- Name: iamnotyourgrandma
- About Me: I'm 24 years old, and, as my username implies, there is a 100% chance that I am not, in fact, your grandma. I enjoy discussions about relationship ideologies and examining how a person's background/upbringing affects his/her views about how relationships work. Feel free to leave me a comment or subscribe to my site!
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Comments (23)
Yes I would marry that person. Especially if it was a long term relationship and we were both in love with each other, and we already had plans to marry each other before the fatal prognosis. After all miracles happen sometimes, and just because the doctor say's he's likely to die on such a such a date, he might die much later actually. You never know. Leaving someone just because they are sick...that's pretty awful.
I'll ignore the part of my brain that wonders how much of his assets she got to pick up after he died and say this...
What I've often observed is that it's the person with the condition who drives the SO's away, so as to minimize the pain. It's very rarely the other way around, partly because of the social stigma associated with the idea of effectively "leaving a loved one to die", so to speak.
That being said, I think that if you're in a relationship with someone and if they happened to be diagnosed with a terminal medical condition, that it should be something discussed between the two of you if you want to continue the relationship or not. If my SO was dying I would hope she would want me around, and I'd vehemently insist on it but in the end I would also want to respect her wishes, whatever they may be.
Also, I think it's a very bad idea to base a decision like marriage on something as tenuous as a terminal medical condition. You might as well get drunk and get hitched in a Las Vegas chapel and it would be just as impulsive. Whether the person is dying or not, getting married still entails a lot of changes to both people's lives and it's not something that should be approached with an emotional, idealistic attitude.
She married him for the post-mortem payouts and nothing more. Get that life insurance payout, his estate, whatever. She did it to beat the system.
Why not? They planned to stay together forever anyway, why not just fulfill his wants if it is what you want too? I wouldn't abandon my boyfriend because he is dying. @_@ That is awful! I'd marry my boyfriend any day.
i'd stay with them, but i probably wouldn't marry them.
That was their forever. It could be 30 days or 30 years plus. I think it was sweet she stayed with him. BUT!!!!!!!!! In the same light, it's not fair to judge people for not staying with SOs who dont. A terminal condition like cancer not only affects the person with the disease but the people closest to them. It's hard to deal with & very stressful. I work in the medical field & that's hard enough. To deal with it in my personal life would be emotionally draining. I know I would stay with my husband because he met & married me with a vocal condition that sometimes leaves me unable to talk for long peroids of time (like months, not minutes) & he decided that it had no affects on my personality or ability to love. Knowing he would go to the moon & back for me without questions makes me want to do the same for him!
If this were me, I still would have married my husband. I love him to death. No matter how fast death was approaching him.
Is it a good idea to stay with someone you care about if they're about to die? what kind of question is that? Seriously?
Both of my parents are disabled. When I was 10 my dad was diagnosed with a degenerative disorder that is slowly taking away his spine. Though doctors have rebuilt and my dad now walks, I remember the times when it first started. My mom was the only one working, she had me and my 7 year old brother to take care of and now my dad. She worked as a waitress, and stayed loyal to him when nobody other than blood stuck around. It was hard, her parents -- my grandparents -- wanted her to leave him so she could have a chance at a better life, but my mom and dad had been together since she was 13 years old and he was 18.
Two years later my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I was 12, and my brother was 9. For a long time nobody told my brother and I what was going on with our mom but I was a sneaky kid, and while they were gone I dug through their room -- okay, bad move -- and found all the books and doctor papers on MS. My dad still couldn't walk, my mom lost her job as a secretary making a decent living, and things got really bad. It took my mom a year to get into remission, and when I was 13 she went back to work at a little cafe down the road in the little town I lived in [population 500, we had a cafe and a post office] and I went to work with her. I took care of my mom and dad and brother, helped with bills, and I'll admit that I even started driving her to work.
I'm 22 now, and my parents recently were separated for a year. I dropped out of college because my dad and brother tried to kill themselves within the same week, and my mom was living with my grandparents [her parents] in another town. It took me 3 months to get my dad to eat anything after she left, and I admit I was pissed at my mother. They needed each other! What was the point? I was skeptical when they got back together, but to this day their relationship is better than ever. My mom and dad will never get better. There's not a way for that yet, and to this day I am their caretaker. I pay half of their bills as well as half of my own [I split with my fiance] and go down to see them whenever I can. I get really homesick, and my fiance's family doesn't understand -- and I don't think a lot of people do, anyway -- my relationship with my family. If something happened to my husband after we got married, I'd never leave him. I know first hand how hard life can be when that situation happens, but if there's one thing I've learned is that you're never put into a situation you can't handle.
So, yes. I'd do as my parents have done for the past 11 years, and I'd stay with the man I married. There'd be no other choice. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. That's the deal, and if my parents can survive and thrive right on through it, so can I if the situation ever rises against me.
I've always been somebody who thinks the good outweighs the bad in any relationship, even ones that may be unlikely to last. So for me it's an obvious yes. And the wedding itself is such a special moment that I would have that too. If nothing else, it'll be the best celebration of your life.
I've always been somebody who thinks the good outweighs the bad in any relationship, even ones that may be unlikely to last. So for me it's an obvious yes. And the wedding itself is such a special moment that I would have that too. If nothing else, it'll be the best celebration of your life.
I've always been somebody who thinks the good outweighs the bad in any relationship, even ones that may be unlikely to last. So for me it's an obvious yes. And the wedding itself is such a special moment that I would have that too. If nothing else, it'll be the best celebration of your life.
Yes.
I love my boyfriend more than anything, and as much as it would kill me to watch him wither away, I would want every single second that we had left together. I wouldn't waste any time. I would marry him tomorrow, and he is in perfectly good condition. If he had a few weeks left to live... I wouldn't wait. I would want to spend the rest of his life with him, no matter how long or short that might be.
Haven't you ever seen A Walk To Remember? That movie makes me cry more every time I watch it. Same concept.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
I'll definitely not abandon my s.o, but why would I marry someone who would die in less than a year?? That widow label will stay with me forever.
To all the people saying she married him for money . . . that's obviously untrue since they were together for around six years. Clearly, she didn't say to herself, "I'm going to pretend to be madly in love with this man for six years because I know he's going to get cancer and die and I can get all of his money".
and either way he was TWENTY-FOUR! What huge "assets" could he have even possibly had? He was probably just getting started finding a career! -_- I seriously doubt she's some filthy rich widow now who will never have to worry about a thing, I think she just really loved him (hence six years together).
@H2O_mElOnGeEk@xanga - nvm, you guys. She definitely married him for his college debts.
@Sisi - Thanks for sharing your parents' story. I feel as if it could a Datingish post on its own! If you're interested, you should definitely write a post about it and submit it to us!
I would like to think I'd stay by my SO side, but I don't think I'd marry them, not unless it was incredibly important to them or something or we were already engaged. Marriage is suppose to be a gesture saying I want to be with you until one of us dies, and if the person is going to die, 100%, in the next few months, it seems kinda empty for person who will continue to live.
I can understand wanting to get married from the dying person's point, though (hence why I'd be willing if it was important to them). You have these "things to do before I die" items in your head, and if I knew I wanted to marry the guy eventually, I might ask him if we could married so I could have my wedding before I passed on.
Is this a serious question?
Terminal illness shouldn't have any bearing on whether or not a couple should continue to stay in a relationship or to get married. If they love each other and want to marry, who's to say they shouldn't? And likewise, if they want to break it off to spare each other from the inevitable hardships that terminal illness can bring, who could possibly fault them? To each their own. The only thing anyone else should do is offer their support for whatever decision the couple comes to.
I hope that I would marry him. I definitely wouldn't abandon someone I loved in a time of sickness, married or not.
This story reminds me of the movie April Bride, in which a young woman's boyfriend married her even though she was dying of breast cancer. It's actually based on a true story too.
I really hope that I have a big enough heart to be that kind of person, and that I'll one day meet someone I love that much.
Don't forget - it is the body that dies, not the person. It is hard to see how someone who has real love for the person would walk away. There is still a real live person inside that sickly body, who has real thoughts, cares, fears, and needs. Put the shoe on the other foot. If YOU were the ill person, who thought you were loved by another person, how would you feel if they abandoned you when you needed them most? On top of the physical suffering would be the even worse suffering of feeling abandoned and unlovable. Worthless. How sad to end your life in such needless suffering when another person's love could make your short life have significance? So how could you do that to another person, especially one you supposedly love?
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - because all 24 year olds have life insurance/an estate to leave someone......best case scenario, she's off the hook for the debt he racked up; worst case, she's on the hook for it all. Hell, the only reason i have any idea about this is because i lost my dad in september and have been going through his mess.
@oscarthegrouch108@xanga - Well, "love" is about as real as the tooth fairy and/or santa claus, so we know that's not the reason they married. The only clear motive here is money, and some 24 year olds are well off. If you're born into a rich family and have everything handed to you, well there you go.