Wednesday, 28 November 2012
It's been four months since I had my heart broken. It was ironic, just several months before that I met someone who asked if I'd ever had my heart broken. I said "no" with a happy smile. I counted myself as one of the lucky ones, especially at my age, being in my mid 20's. Sure I'd dated but I thought perhaps I could actually get through life without having to experience the horrible agony of feeling like your heart had been ripped out of your chest. He was probably thinking, "You damn fool, it'll come." And if he was thinking that, he was right.
Did I think I could feel emotional pain like that? Over one person? Over just 1.5 years of my life? Crying every night for weeks, not being able to eat, that hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. At that time I didn't even feel like all our good memories would be worth the pain I felt. I regretted our time spent together if this is how it would end up. A week after it happened, a friend asked, "Don't you think the lessons you've learned through your time together are worth it?" Ask me again in a few months maybe.
Clearly she had never felt this way before. But how could I fault her. After all, just a few months ago that would probably have been me saying that to some other poor hapless broken heart. But...it does get better. I had countless conversations with various friends, female and male, about what love is, why it is, how it is. And what's left of love when it all ends. And still, nobody really knows.
It's all speculation, subjectivity and opinions. But that's the glory of it right, that no one can really solve the mystery of love and yet everyone has experienced it in some way, shape, or form.
It's strange how the healing process of mending a broken heart has made me more positive. Yes, I wallowed and broke down and curled up in bed wrapped in misery and my negative thoughts, mulling over every minute detail of our relationship in my mind and going through all the "what ifs," past, present and future. After that though, however long you feel like you need to be in that stage, you have to leave it in the past because you just can't stay in that stage forever. It will destroy you.
Then, the only way to make sense of everything that happened is to use everything you've learned from it all and be a better person, and to treat others with the compassion that came out of the experience.
There is always love out there. It comes in many different forms, but one day, you and I will find what we're searching for.
Take risks, because what else is there of life if we don't?
Have you experienced your first heartbreak? What was it like?