Wednesday, 28 November 2012
-
What's Wrong with Being a Slut?
There's a very strange thing men do to women in our society (and many other societies as well). Men want to get laid (understandably), so they want women to want sex, but they don't! Women who want sex, especially if they want it anywhere near as often as most men do, are called "sluts" and "whores" and "tramps" and "trollops" (we have a veritable cornucopia of such terminology); they are insulted and degraded for daring to have sexual desire anywhere near the level men are expected to have all the time.We have this notion that men naturally have a stronger sex drive than women. I don't know if that's true or not, but what clearly is true is that we systematically urge women to reduce or conceal their sexual desires. We punish them for any kind of sexual expression, or at least all but the most narrowly defined: vaginal sex, without contraception, in marriage, in order to make babies. Even then, there seems to be a sense that she shouldn't enjoy it too much.
Oddly, there is also a trope in many cultures that women are far more lustful than men, being by default insatiable nymphomaniacs who will seek out gratification from any men in the vicinity. And somehow the two get linked, so that a woman who wants sex, say, twice a week (which is pretty typical of both men and women, I would think) is considered a nymphomaniac, apparently because she wants nonzero sex.
I hope I don't have to spend too much time convincing you that neither of these is the truth; the truth is somewhere in between, with indeed most women desiring and enjoying sex sometimes, but not always. And the same pretty much goes for men, really. I'm a pretty horny guy, but I don't want sex literally all the time;that would be exhausting and overwhelming. In fact, statistically only about 5% of men masturbate daily, which I was surprised to find because I am one of them. (Studies also find that people who masturbate frequently also have sex more frequently, but here's my theory on this: People who are horny masturbate more and have sex more, but when you're having sex regularly you don't need to masturbate as much.)
Whether men or women have the higher overall sex drive naturally is something I hesitate to speculate upon, but it does make some sense to think that it would be men, because testosterone triggers arousal in both sexes and men have more testosterone. Also, if you compare gay and lesbian relationships, statistically gay men have more casual sex than lesbians, suggesting that perhaps in general there is more tendency toward casual sex among men than women. (That said, there are also plenty of cultural forces here as well, and I am an example of a bisexual man in a committed relationship who has had the experience of dating women who wanted less commitment than I did.)
Honestly, I wish I could find all the men (and women, but especially men) who berate women for being "sluts", and just... shake them or something. Don't you understand? You're reducing the amount of sex in the world. Why is it so hard for so many men to get laid? It could be a lot of things I suppose, but how hard is it to believe that telling women they should never, ever want to have sex would make it harder for men to find women willing to have sex with them!?
I want to make them stop and think: Why would it be bad to want sex? Even to have sex, even with lots of different people? Sure, there are risks attached: Biological risks like infection, psychological risks like heartbreak. But if someone wants to take that risk because they think it's worth it, why would you tell them they are wrong? And maybe they're right! I mean, come on: Sex is amazing. It's one of the best experiences a human being can ever have. That's worth a fair amount of risk, and unlike what they told us in sex ed, most sexually transmitted infections really aren't that terrible. (AIDS, yes; that's awful, and often fatal. Syphilis can be very bad if it's untreated. But herpes? Come on; it's basically a cold sore.) And if you're concerned about pregnancy, well... you should be supporting contraception, not calling women who want contraception "sluts".
And again, what's with the double standard? Why is a man who wants to have sex with lots of different women just "a normal guy", but a woman who wants to have sex with lots of men "a slut"? And conversely, there are men who just aren't that interested in sex; why should they feel bad, like they're not "real men" somehow?
Image Source
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: pnrj@xanga
- Name: Patrick
- Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan, United States
- About Me: I suppose I might as well begin with the mundane. I finished my bachelor's degree in cognitive science in December 2010 from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. I was born in 1988. I have two cats, Dot and Tootsie (my other cats, Shadow and Fila, and my gecko, Fhloston, are now deceased.) I write, I study, I live, I learn, I love. I am a complex, creative, and interdisciplinary individual, as my blog will clearly show.
-
True
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 8970 Comments: 0 250 View all posts by pnrj@xanga
Comments (169)
Who are you referring to when you say "we" think that women cannot express their sexuality except if they want to wait until marriage to procreate and that they cannot enjoy it?
I came from a Christian home that both celebrated and venerated sex. My parents answered any questions I had about sex; it was a topic of healthy discussion in our household. I was taught that sex is highly enjoyable, something to look forward to, something to be excited for. I was also told that it is powerful; it seals relationships and feelings in a romantic relationship, and that it can cause pregnancy (I was never taught that it's wrong to try to prevent pregnancy, just that it *could* happen even if you are using protection). I was taught to wait until marriage--not because sexuality is bad. But because it is the best environment to express your sexuality freely, without fear of negative repercussions, especially if your husband is a godly, trustworthy man. It is fear-free. It is special, and unique to you as a couple.
I don't understand it when people associate those who think you should wait until marriage with those who think sex is taboo or dirty. I think sex is beautiful. I also think it is incredibly volatile. I believe it can be misused and made something it shouldn't be. I think it was meant to be shared between a committed couple, to their great joy and pleasure and to deepen their love for one another.
However--That doesn't necessarily mean I think someone who has casual sex is less or somehow worse than me. And it doesn't imply that I think someone who does is a slut. Believing in waiting does not necessitate cruelty or pride.
I've also noted the double-standard, and I feel "to each their own." But sometimes it's also the woman's choice to not go on a wild-crazed sex frenzy, for the sake of perhaps sex is something sacred meant to be shared with someone you love and connect on a different level besides just physical attraction. As tempting as being a nympho may seem because yes, like you said, sex does feel amazing, I think I would feel a bit bad on my character and lose some respect for myself if I didn't have self-control.
http://youwontlivethisonedown.tumblr.com/post/36030515373/last-week-as-part-of-a-cultural-discovery-project
In regards to this post, please read this from a male who did a sort of cultural experiment being the other gender.
I think things are changing. Maybe in grandpa's days it was frowned upon, but nowadays I think people feel like, "It's no big deal. it's normal". The same with homos and stuff too.
It's normal to be a slut and love sex. It just means that you're healthy and love your boy friends.
The double standard is there, I just never cared. If I ever meet a guy who cared, there were millions of other people in the world for us to be with.
well, the orgasm feels amazing, and you can get an orgasm without having sex. whenever I think of people, who have casual sex, whether they are female or male, and regardless of how much protection they use, I get the visual of virus infestations all over their mouths, because how many percentage of people wear mouth condoms during oral sex
the person would probably be fired immediately due to the person not meeting the professional image of their company with a swarm of sores on their mouth. jobs and their financial well being to maintain the necessities of life is also at stake here. this is just my way to deter myself from casual encounters. I'm too ocd/neat freak to be so casual about it. besides, I'm an innocent schoolgirl at heart and I love that giddy feeling I get when I see my crushes and I like keeping myself in suspense of fantasizing about them. I think my crush at work gives me that orgasmic feeling whenever he suddenly appears out of nowhere, then disappears into the hallway like a super hero
I don't just want to quickly have sex with him. I like to gradually build the sexual tension. first, I'd want a hug. then sit on his lap
and pet each other for a few hours
he can choose to peel off his own clothes or I can do that for him
I can't just have flings with strangers or people that I barely know. I'd have to really adore them first. the amazing feelings for me isn't sex itself, but the moments leading up to it. so that's pretty much like a relationship. I'm a relationship type and that's okay. different people prefer different things.
Okay so I understand the double standard here. I have two brothers - if they take chicks home it's fine. It's like they're men and they can have as many one night stands as they want. If I took a guy home, I'm made to feel slutty and degraded. I don't think it's fair at all. BUT the biggest problem I have with this post is this part of the sentence:
"most sexually transmitted infections really aren't that terrible."
Don't ever condone STI's. They ARE that terrible. And thinking oh herpes isn't that bad is what leads to oh I'm not going to bother with a condom and then you end up with AIDS or something instead!!! That's possibly the most ignorant thing I've heard on a datingish post.
@Babieboo_Annie@xanga - Meh self controls overrated heh.
@isitreal_no@xanga - I've definitely read more ignorant things on here, but yeah pretty bad.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Some people have harder times having orgasms, so the sex is maybe as good as it gets.
Annnnnd let's just all be sluts. No but really yeah the double standard is retarded, and unless a girl is literally going from one guy to the next in rapid succession I don't think I'd ever really call someone a slut. Especially not a whore (besides the fact that I hate that word). But yeah a guy or girl would have to be pretty bad for me to consider them either. Then again I was raised pretty liberally and am mostly open and accepting of most things. Sexual encounters if done properly are just fine if that's what you want, just be safe for yourself and respect whomever your partner may be and it's all good.
lol back to this again?
@JusticeCho@xanga - maybe those people, who have a hard time getting an orgasm via sex, is having casual sex in order to finally get that orgasm, so out of 40 people, at least one will have what it takes to give the person an orgasm or two. but that's too much hassle just for an orgasm that I can get in less than a few minutes myself
maybe the person is that depressed that they've blocked out all emotions and are so numb that they bypass the orgasm, so they didn't even know they had an orgasm
sad.
@JusticeCho@xanga - Lol. Self-control is not overrated. So are you saying we as people should make like animals on the Discovery channel? I thought having self-control was one reason on what makes us a bit superior..we get to choose and withhold certain actions that are triggered by emotions..'coz if we all just act on impulses and emotions all the time without self-control, this world would be fucked big time, or probably already long gone. :P
This post is amusing, partly because the premise lies on a very faulty assumption that someone who enjoys frequent sex is automatically a slut, but mostly because you sound more like you were just angry about the lack of sex (in your life perhaps) instead of truly caring about double standards like slut shaming. Also, concluding a post by saying that sex is worth the risk of infections since most STDs "really aren't that terrible" is just lols.
@Babieboo_Annie@xanga - Haha I was just teasing. Shoulda put a smiley or a jk in there heh. But you brought up an interesting point. As an experiment I would really like to see what would happen if there was a confined bio-dome like community of people raised from birth and encouraged to act upon their emotions. Would it just be constant violence and abuse, or would our nature lead to some sort of structure and coexistence? Wouldn't ever happen due to the moral and ethical problems it would stir up, but would be interesting none the less. Though I guess on a world wide scale with things such as money, property, workforce, education, economic standings and all that it would be completely different.
@JusticeCho@xanga - Yes, when in doubt, insert colon and end parenthesis. :) hehe I knew you weren't serious. Just like giving you a hard time.. :P And yes, that would be interesting to see if such experiments could take place. Perhaps you should blog (conjure up a story or comic?) about that idea. It would be quite entertaining. ;)
I know it sucks but men aren't the ones that get pregnant, have to get abortions, raise children, sue for child support etc. Men can just lay their seed and peace, so women folk need to have more of their hormonal wits about them. And after millenia of consequences, such double standard has arisen. Double standards, just like stereotypes, don't just appear out of thin air. They both have their basis.
I've always hated this double standard. Men are the ones who usually have casual sex and yet it's the women who are put down for doing the same thing? If I'm a slut for loving sex then a slut I shall proudly be.
Slut-shaming is just as wrong as virgin-shaming. The only time someone's sexual history is going to matter to me is if I'm about to sleep with them and I don't know if they have STD's or not.
Everything. Otherwise we wouldn't have a word for it.
@loneshadow_wolf@xanga - Lol, so you think.
i consider anyone who is careless about sex to be a slut. this includes:
1. people who have sex without precautions (discussing STDs, pregnancies, etc. with your partner)2. people who have sex without consideration of their partner's feelings and investment in the relationship (however casual it may be)3. people who are so desperate for sex that they lie to get it.
also... you're a fucking moron. STDs are very serious. i sincerely feel sorry for anyone who has slept or will ever sleep with you.
I am not one of these men that you are talking about.
There's nothing really wrong with it. As someone who doesn't feel love or form emotional attachments with people and also doesn't want children, sex for me is about nothing more than physical pleasure. I have no problem doing the "pump and dump" thing and I do it on the regular. I've fucked over 60 women in three years, and you know what? I'm not ashamed, embarrassed, or otherwise quiet about it.
That said, as a male, I'm labeled a "stud" vs. if I were female I'd be a slut. Why? It's a double standard, I say. Both sexes should be able to express their sexuality openly and freely without judgment from anyone. It's really asinine, truth be told.
If you want to fuck around, get down to business and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. I know I do, and I quite enjoy sex without commitment, and I think it's even more fun that monogamous sex (which, yes, I have done before and yes, I have actually been in an exclusive long-term relationship before, that got boring real quick).
@accumulations@xanga - double standards are cultural constructs created to control peoples behavior. they dont exactly pop up like little stereo-jack-in-the-boxes even over time. the people who created the system created it so there would intentionally be double standards so there would be one group of people that is dependant on the other people.
anyways, my actual views on this post:
the whole idea of "sluts" being easy women and prostitues not being people comes from as far back as the greeks and romans. go read aristotle and freud people! sexist bastards the lot of them. and these are the people so many other people LOOK UP TO! and roman law? dont even get me started!
powerful men throughout the course of history have been womanizing jackasses and everybody just lets them get away with it because what else are they going to do? you cant exactly walk up to plato or the pope or the king of england and punch them in the face and rub their nose in it because "that is not ok you naughty puppy".
the whole system is fucked and i therefore see no reason to care what anyone calls me. im going to have as much sex as i want (once i find someone to have it with me).
@QuantumStorm@xanga - and i get a lot of that "youre still a virgin" crap ugh people. they act like im some sort of prude just because every guy who wants to have sex with me is a total ass who just wants to get laid. i have standards for crying out loud! (well some standards at least heeheehee)
@nepenthium@xanga - i am not quite sure... but the way i read it was that the premise is "women who have too much sex or like to much sex are considered sluts by lots of other people/men". i understand that you might interpret it differently however.
@Babieboo_Annie@xanga - and i actually do beleive self control is overrated. i wouldnt mind being an animal on the discovery channel. especially if i got to have sex all the time heeheehee. hmmm im not sure how i would feel about them filming me though....
@loneshadow_wolf@xanga - you go girl!
@isitreal_no@xanga - if i were making this type of criticism i would focus not on the fact that he condones stds but that he is speaking from the point of view of possibly personal experience...? i dont think that is anything anyone would want to admit or even alude to on xanga...
which goes back to@nepenthium@xanga - who suggested that he wasnt having enough sex... i wonder if this whole std thing is why....
if that is so then he is probably the @flapper_femme_fatale@xanga - version of a slut in which case i would suggest he invest in a box of condoms...
i almost forgot how fun this stuff could be
heeheehee
-evil sounding-
i don't really consider a slut someone who loves sex. i would define a slut as someone who has many sexual partners on the regular. i love sex...am i a slut? no. my boyfriend both loves and hates my insatiable sex drive. i am CONSTANTLY horny and in the mood to get it on. am i going around sleeping with other guys to satisfy it? no. however when i was single in years past i did have numerous sexual partners that i was sleeping with on the regular. in those years i think i would have been considered a "slut"
btw, hollllaaa Michigan friend :)
@LauraDeLuna@xanga - Don't get me wrong. I love sex a lot. I constantly want it. Probably a little bit too much -_-* lol..and although a part of me wouldn't mind going wild and just have passionate, animalistic casual sex spontaneously..with that being said, there are repercussions to that kind of reckless abandoment though. Sadly true. The basis for this whole post can be used as an example for that.
@Babieboo_Annie@xanga - Superior cause we can choose...hmm. So did you know in a pack of wolves, they could all fuck each other but don't? Are they superior to fish that just spit out a bunch of eggs and sperm? How about ducks? They can choose if they accept a penis or not.