Wednesday, 28 November 2012
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Cheating: Room for Forgiveness?
In college, I knew two women whose respective boyfriends had cheated on them. Both cheating incidents involved a conscious decision from the boyfriend to cheat as opposed to an alcohol-induced decision, and both cheating incidents had been going on for a while. Although these women were in a very similar situation, the outcomes of them finding out about the cheating were very different.The first woman found out about the cheating because the boyfriend came out and confessed it to her himself. He was plagued with guilt that he was pursuing another woman while his girlfriend was staying true to him. He decided that he loved his girlfriend more than he liked this other woman, and he wanted to be true to his girlfriend again, so he had to clear the cheating off his conscience by telling his girlfriend about it so that they could move forward. He assured her that he would cut all ties with this other woman.
The girlfriend was very angry and betrayed – so betrayed, in fact, that she broke it off with him. Sure, he promised not to talk to the other woman again, but the damage had already been done; he had betrayed her trust, and she knew that she could not continue a relationship with a man she did not trust.
In the second incident, the boyfriend also confessed his cheating to his girlfriend and said he would cut ties with the “other” woman. In this case, however, the girlfriend was willing to forgive him and give him a second chance. She said that nobody was perfect and that maybe this was a sign that they needed to spend more time working on their relationship. The boyfriend was thankful for her forgiveness, but this woman was met with a lot of criticism from her family and friends.
Others around her said that her refusal to dump her boyfriend and move on showed that she was weak or had low self esteem. After all, is it really possible to trust a person again once that person has betrayed you? Her boyfriend cheated on her before; could she really be confident that he would not choose to cheat on her again? Others say that her decision to stay with her boyfriend showed that she had a lot of character if she was willing to forgive him for something so awful that it caused many other relationships to crumble and commented about how she must really love her boyfriend and value their relationship if she wanted it to work out that badly.
In your experience, does cheating automatically terminate a relationship? When should a person forgive his/her significant other for cheating, and when is it best to simply move on?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
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Comments (37)
I've only been in one relationship and yup cheating ended it up...I don't think you can have second chances, at least I can't give second chances.
I think a lot of factors go into it. Age, if children are involved, if they're married etc.
I've been cheated on a few times, but I found out each time after we'd already broken up so I guess it doesn't really apply.
If it was a happy relationship and the way the guy treated me never changed, I'd probably give him another chance. Cheating is the result of other problems, not the core problem itself. If those issues can successfully be worked on, and you KNOW you could move on, why not try?
I've seen forgiveness and healing happen in marriages in spite of a spouse cheating. I've also seen marriages in which one spouse didn't want to work on thing and didn't care about being forgiven, and kept cheating. Those marriages, obviously, never healed and resulted in broken homes.
I think it depends on a lot of things. But, yet. Forgiveness and healing after a spouse cheats is possible.
As @Jenny_Wren@xanga said, it depends on a lot of different factors.
I would never be able to take someone back if they cheated on me. Forgive them? Sure, after a time. Forget? Never. And I'd never be able to trust someone who'd done that to me again.
活到老，
学到老，
还有三分，
学不到。
可惜， 可惜。
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - I agree with your reasoning.
But, yes.* Sorry. Typo.
Agree with @Pure_Taint@xanga and @Jenny_Wren@xanga. Depends on situations of the person. If the cheater is truly remorseful and learn from their bad actions, I think a second chance is worth giving if you feel like you have enough love for the person still and are willing to work on it.
@Babieboo_Annie@xanga - Pretty much what I was going to say.
maybe. if he begs on his knees and kisses my feet like a dog since he acted like a dog when he cheated. he has to earn his respect and trust back. he'll have to bow down every time he sees me just like my old roommate's dog did. even dogs show more respect than some humans. it would take lots of making up and time for me to consider forgiveness. he can't just say sorry and get it over with. it isn't that easy. actions speak louder than words.
There's a lot of differing factors, but for me, I wouldn't be able to trust them again.
if it was a conscious decision to cheat, that means the guy must have physically AND emotionally cheated on her.
personally for me, any kind of cheating is a definite deal breaker. i made that clear to my boyfriend though. i will never give a second chance despite the fact that i might still love him or not. love is never enough.
It depends, it is not a black or white kind of thing. I've never been cheated on so I don't know how it feels or how I would react.
I would stick with my man through absolutely anything, except for cheating, and I've said that at day 1. Trust and the feeling of having 1 other person all to myself is something I need and desire in my lover. Cheating not only changes how I viewed my significant other, but it also enrages me because like any other human being, I have had desirous eyes for other men but have NEVER acted on it. Going through a phase in your head with someone else is one thing, and forgiveable, but to commit an act is unforgivable. I always say, if you're going to sleep with someone else, do me the respect of breaking up with me first, otherwise, unforgiveable. If they broke up with me, slept with someone else, then decided they wanted me back, that's another story and perhaps I would give them a chance.
Forgive if their actions show they are truly sorry, forget them if they are a habitual liar/cheater/deceiver.
I don't care what the situation is; if you truly loved that person then you wouldn't have cheated no matter what. End of story. You cheat, it's over and there will never be any second chance.
Cheating is one of the top thing I stress often as critical for this relationship to work... I'd want a man with a good heart like I do... and so far, my man is doing well to live up to my expectations in the arena of commitment, and I him. Breaking the rules, cheating shows the lack of trustworthiness, love and respect.
I would give second chances...I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated, so if I were to make a stupid mistake, I would want the other person to forgive me and give me another chance. Everyone is the world is equal in worth--how can I withhold forgiveness and act as if I'm better than that person?
just a note, making a "conscious" decision to cheat and making an "alcohol-induced" decision to cheat is the same thing.
it doesn't make it any less wrong or make anyone less to blame just because alcohol is involved.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - KINKY!!!!
@raspberryjade@xanga - i think an "alcohol induced" decision to cheat is even worse. it means the person cant handle their liquor. only idiots go around and get drunk and screw when theyre in a "commited" relationship. why would anyone want to be with somebody like that?
"and both cheating incidents had been going on for a while."
To me, that says it right there. Cheating for a period of time and concealing it for awhile is way different from cheating once and owning up to it asap.
I've never been cheated on and there's no way of knowing how I'd react. It would really depend on the intimacy level. If any of my exboyfriends cheated on me I believe I would've easily left. But with my current boyfriend, unless he fucked some other girl, I think I would at least try to work it out. I doubt our relationship would survive, but I would really give it my all. I'm a really jealous lover naturally, but I know what type of man he is and he is worth fighting for.He is also the type of man to never cheat, so I never really have to worry about this. One of the strongest reasons neither of us ever considered cheating (on anyone) is because we both believe in "treat others as you want to be treated." No one ever wants to be cheated on, so why do it to someone else?
Say the cheating was just a one time thing...I MIGHT give them another chance...but wow at that girl taking him back when he's been cheating on her for a while. No that is a big, no no. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. This quote can be used for nearly every situation. Forgive? I can always forgive a person. In fact, one of my worst traits about me is that I'm a too forgiving person...that does not, however, mean that I need to get back with a cheater. And agreed with that if the person really loved someone they wouldn't have been able to cheat no matter what.
There is no way I would stay with my husband if he cheated. Sexual fidelity is one of the conditions of our marriage.