Wednesday, 28 November 2012
I was my last boyfriend’s first kiss and first girlfriend, which eventually became his first love. I have always had a down-to-earth, practical view of relationships, so even though I really did fall for him in many ways, I didn’t realize how much more his head was in the clouds than mine.
When we first realized we were attracted to each other, we came to the conclusion that we should try being in a relationship for two weeks to get rid of the tension and to enjoy being together. After that, I still wasn’t ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Because we were already so connected, though, this was much easier said than done. We still acted like we were in a relationship, spending almost every day together in the summer and going to visit each other while school was in session, since we both attended different universities. We became very bonded to each other, but there was just something that didn’t click for me. I just wasn’t ready to say “Yes.”
Meanwhile, he was falling in love, and even though we had made boundaries that more or less made us able to have an open relationship, he didn’t expect either of us to meet anyone. I didn’t realize that he assumed that if either of us wanted to date someone else, we would tell each other before hand. However, romance doesn’t always follow rules.
One afternoon, I was studying with a guy friend of mine from school. I never expected anything special to come of our relationship; however, he suddenly started hardcore flirting with me, and told me he wanted to kiss me. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision for me to figure we could kiss for a bit. After that, we never talked about it again. I felt so casual about it, so sure that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, that I told the guy I was involved with that it had happened, and to my genuine surprise, he broke down. He cried for days and couldn’t stand to be around me or around himself for not realizing that “love doesn’t last."
If we had been in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn’t have kissed another guy, but I felt that I was playing by the rules given our previously set boundaries. But the fact is, feelings don’t follow logic, and I hurt the guy I was involved with a lot. After that, the downhill spiral began.
He went into an intense depression, and now he’s numbed himself into a callous, jaded state. All his posts on his blog are about weed, alcohol, and his new devil-may-care attitude. I apologized about everything, and he said he forgave me and it doesn’t bother him anymore, but I don’t buy that. I still feel guilty, like I caused this to happen.
Am I right to be feeling this way? Should I try to help get his life back on track, or leave it all behind?