Wednesday, 28 November 2012
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Lingering Guilt Over a Past Relationship
This post was submitted anonymously.
I was my last boyfriend’s first kiss and first girlfriend, which eventually became his first love. I have always had a down-to-earth, practical view of relationships, so even though I really did fall for him in many ways, I didn’t realize how much more his head was in the clouds than mine.
When we first realized we were attracted to each other, we came to the conclusion that we should try being in a relationship for two weeks to get rid of the tension and to enjoy being together. After that, I still wasn’t ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Because we were already so connected, though, this was much easier said than done. We still acted like we were in a relationship, spending almost every day together in the summer and going to visit each other while school was in session, since we both attended different universities. We became very bonded to each other, but there was just something that didn’t click for me. I just wasn’t ready to say “Yes.”
Meanwhile, he was falling in love, and even though we had made boundaries that more or less made us able to have an open relationship, he didn’t expect either of us to meet anyone. I didn’t realize that he assumed that if either of us wanted to date someone else, we would tell each other before hand. However, romance doesn’t always follow rules.
One afternoon, I was studying with a guy friend of mine from school. I never expected anything special to come of our relationship; however, he suddenly started hardcore flirting with me, and told me he wanted to kiss me. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision for me to figure we could kiss for a bit. After that, we never talked about it again. I felt so casual about it, so sure that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, that I told the guy I was involved with that it had happened, and to my genuine surprise, he broke down. He cried for days and couldn’t stand to be around me or around himself for not realizing that “love doesn’t last."
If we had been in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn’t have kissed another guy, but I felt that I was playing by the rules given our previously set boundaries. But the fact is, feelings don’t follow logic, and I hurt the guy I was involved with a lot. After that, the downhill spiral began.
He went into an intense depression, and now he’s numbed himself into a callous, jaded state. All his posts on his blog are about weed, alcohol, and his new devil-may-care attitude. I apologized about everything, and he said he forgave me and it doesn’t bother him anymore, but I don’t buy that. I still feel guilty, like I caused this to happen.
Am I right to be feeling this way? Should I try to help get his life back on track, or leave it all behind?
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Comments (56)
If you set the boundaries then you are not at fault. He fell hard knowing it wasn't committed. I'm in a similar situation except I was very up front in not wanting this person yet this person continued to get crazy depressed every time I rejected him because he wouldn't take a hint. He drinks himself to sleep it's pathetic especially when we did not have a previous connection AT ALL like you and that guy did and he still acted like it was the end of the world every time he tries to pursue me and I say no. People are responsible for their own happiness. You can feel guilty but you are not the one at fault as you had told him what the boundaries were. If he thinks I'll be with him just to make him happy he can think again because he won't make ME happy.
@xinq@xanga - you've said it so perfectly.
@iamdriftwood@xanga - thanks. i hate when guys and people in general act like they're the only ones who don't get what they want. i'm in the same situation about not getting what i want but i handle it completely different than those guys. i keep it to myself and busy myself with other things so i don't think about it a lot and it doesn't bother me as much as it should.
I am living proof that breaking hearts is unnecessary to being responsible for one's own happiness. Yes it is your fault and you are absolutely responsible for the effects of every decision you make in your life, good and bad, and just because it negatively effects another human being that doesn't automatically make it okay because 'they're responsible for their own happiness'. That is such a fucking cop out.
@xinq@xanga - I hate when bitches go around thinking because they didn't get what they want others shouldn't get what they want either. Your ignorant resentment only serves to further fuel the bullshit indifference that plagues society.
"so i don't think about it a lot and it doesn't bother me as much as it should."
You just said it: as much as it SHOULD. Not everybody quietly accepts their fate based on the unfair and unethical decisions others make for them. Were people in concentration camps responsible for their own happiness as well? No. Don't even try arguing that it was different because of magnitude or scale... no matter how severe, when it is a decision made by one human being that effects another human being their fate is intertwined however comforting it may be for either one or both of them to try to rationalize it and convince themselves otherwise.
You are responsible for your own happiness and everything your happiness leaves in its wake.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
*sigh* I so totally can relate to the guy :(
@T3hZ10n@xanga - why do you bother? i don't care about the gibberish that you have to say. i'm not getting who i want right now but i don't fucking harass the person until if they ever cave. i don't let the person know that i'm depressed over them 24/7 i keep that shit to myself. as soon as they say no to me, i move onnnn. i don't try again.
@xinq@xanga - I bother because I care.
"i don't let the person know that i'm depressed over them 24/7"
You should. That person caused it just as much as you did because if you want to make that person happy you deserve better from that person, not better than that person.
"...but I felt that I was playing by the rules given our previously set boundaries."
http://youtu.be/4SPrxPmXuVU?t=41s
Rules and boundaries exist to be adhered to in good faith, not to limit those who would surpass them.
I agree with the first poster, you set boundaries. He agreed with them. You only kissed the other guy so I would say he is totally over-reacting. People who can't handle open relationships shouldn't enter them.
ETA: Whether you help him get his life back together is totally up to you. I personally wouldn't. I wouldn't put up with someone who can't handle acting all butt hurt when the realize what OPEN means. You'll have to deal with him not trusting you, blaming you for all the problems that he brought upon himself. Maybe you are nicer and more patient than I am, but I don't do self-destructive.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - People who can't handle monogamy shouldn't enter into open relationships, or any relationship for that matter. An open relationship should be a choice made in good faith... not an excuse to cheat without it officially being 'cheating'.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I can't argue with you on that one. I'll be honest, I didn't read this post that closely and I see what you are saying. Especially with this line "We became very bonded to each other, but there was just something that didn’t click for me. I just wasn’t ready to say “Yes.”"
I am sure if I re-read the post, I'd think she was being a bitch and didn't want to own up to it.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I don't understand your point of view. On so many posts you say that you're responsible for your own happiness. No matter what. A girl is responsible for her own happiness, never blame the boyfriend etc etc.
But with this post you're saying his unhappiness IS her fault? I thought he was responsible for his own happines?
Not attacking you, just wouldn't mind a clearer explanation.
first loves might take a while to get over or whatever. I took 1.5yrs. I didn't drink or smoke weed or anything of that sort. I'd go about my day like usual, but something or another would suddenly trigger me to cry, so I did
that something was me remembering that at about this time nearly everyday, I'd be talking to him and we'd be enjoying each other's company, laughing and making each other smile...but no, just one of those dreaded flashbacks where you think of the person and echo...noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!
@isitreal_no@xanga - "You are responsible for your own happiness and everything your happiness leaves in it's wake." - Self
In this scenario I am saying his unhappiness was her fault. I'm not waffling, I go case-by-case basing my point of view on what is written and each unique circumstance. His unhappiness wasn't spontaneous and without reason nor was it due to anything he had control over... but it did, in-fact directly result from something she had control over and came about as a direct result of a decision she made, and she is responsible for his unhappiness in this case.
Being responsible for your own happiness in no way excuses you from being responsible for the unhappiness you cause others in creating it.
That's a pretty huge overreaction for just kissing someone else, especially if you had already predefined rules to your open relationship. Though I guess in a way it's a good thing? You learned pretty quick how fragile he is, so if you two end up patching up and sticking together you'll know what you're in for down the road. Hopefully his weed, alcohol and depressed/jaded state is only a little phase that will pass once he realizes he overreacted.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Yeah, I do see what you mean. I think if they had pre-defined boundaries though, it's not her fault if she's acting within those boundaries. But we're all entitled to our opinions. Thanks.
@isitreal_no@xanga - Like I said here, pre-defined boundaries obviously don't account for it; if they did, she wouldn't feel guilty.
Her feeling guilty is proof of her guilt.
She knows he agreed under what was essentially a mild form of duress in which he could've disagreed with her pre-defined boundaries and been heartbroken by her inevitable decision that would follow or said yes to her pre-defined boundaries and been heartbroken by what she chose to do later on, but if he said yes, he could still be with her.
What happened wasn't fair, and she feels guilty because it could've been fair but she knowingly and deliberately chose to act unfairly in her own favor at the expense of his interests.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Oh that's true, there may have been boundaries, but he only agreed to them because it was that, or nothing. But he must've known he'd get hurt, it was clear that he liked her more than she liked him.
Did you really tell him that you two were in an open relationship? Directly? Be direct.
@isitreal_no@xanga - But, but, but...
She feels guilty because she is.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Yes well even with boundaries, she knew she was technically 'allowed' to kiss someone else, but anyone with a concience would feel bad if they were her. She did it knowing that it would hurt him but using the boundaries as an excuse.
I've forgotten the orginal point now haha anyway.
I hear you girl. I had a situation kinda like this, where she was like your guy, and I was more like you. I did my very best to try to make her situation better, but she was also already putting an effort into getting herself back to normal. I would probably do similarly in your case.
unless i missed some cue somewhere, i'm pretty sure that the closest the op said she and homeboy were to defining anything was "more or less". what the f does that mean? i think this is at least partly her fault. this is what happens when people aren't explicit with each other.
hope he gets his shit together.
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - well i'm glad *someone* agrees...
you don't have to put up with his shit any longer if you leave.. you shouldn't have to be reminded and guilt-tripped of something that cannot be fixed in the past.
On the other hand, he shouldn't be hated by others for having his own standards. If he can't get over your past then he should dump you but he obviously doesn't have the balls to do that, so perhaps you should do the both of you a favor and end it.
just be concise and clarify your shit next time before letting a dude shove his tongue down your throat..
"we had made boundaries that more or less made us able to have an open relationship"
I'm not sure if I follow this correctly. How can you "more or less" have an open relationship? Assuming you made it CLEAR to him that it was an open relationship, and by that I mean, you explicitly stated it in no uncertain terms, then yeah, it's a fairly clear-cut case of him just being an idealistic bum. But if you didn't make it clear to him, then his feelings may be justified.