Tuesday, 27 November 2012
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Can You Be Friends with Those You Want to Fondle?
Have you ever been in the situation where you meet someone and everything seems to be in harmony: you are both physically attracted to each other, conversation flows, there's some harmless flirting? Then, just as you're picturing your honeymoon in Aruba with that person, he or she runs a tractor trailer through your dream and says something along the lines of, "I like what I know about you so far, but I don't want to rush and possibly mess up things, so let's just be friends first."But is that really possible to be "just friends"? How long, if at all, do you think it is possible to carry on a successful, fruitful, platonic friendship with a person when there is already more-than-friendly chemistry going on? My guess is not very long! It's like having a new, shiny, red BMW in the driveway and you have the keys in your hand, but you're being told you can't drive it just yet!
Don't get me wrong, I think it is a great idea to have a relationship that is rooted in TRUE friendship because it is a strong foundation, but from what I've witnessed, when you attempt to cultivate a friendship for the purposes of possibly trying to be more later on, what ends up happening is that:
A. It is not always a truly satisfying friendship for both people. Often times, one person may want a deeper commitment before the other is ready or able to make one. This could lead to feelings of discontentment, frustration, or even resentment.
B. In certain situations, the "we're just friends" approach can be used as somewhat of a scapegoat. Author Greg Behrendt said it best when he remarked:
"He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to." (It should be noted that although Benhrendt made the perpetrator a male, females may also be guilty of doing this!)
True platonic friendships--the ones that evolve naturally, spontaneously, and organically--have inherent boundaries and rules of interactions; however, when there is a friendship that is being formed between two people who, right from the beginning, have chemistry and/or physical attraction to each other, they end up in a state of ambiguity and inequality. They enter a state of limbo that I refer to as the: Friends+ Zone.
People in the Friends+ Zone do not have a totally platonic friendship. In fact, they may be outwardly flirty or even acknowledge the fact that they have more-than-friendly feelings for each other; however, they are also not actively dating each other. It's as if they're dipping a toe in the relationship pool, if you will.
Anyway, because the lines of friendship and relationship are ever so blurred, I've found that the following predicaments arise:1. I'm never quite sure how to act when we go out.
Is this a date or is it not? Is hand holding, kissing, etc. a reasonable expectation or not? Does he pay, are we taking turns paying, or do we go dutch? Do I wait for a "I had a great time - Let's do this again" text/call the next day or is that not necessary?
2. Figuring out what is acceptable or not in terms of the physical.
3. If we're supposed to be friends yet there are indicators that something more will develop, it makes me wonder about how that affects each of our interactions with members of the opposite sex.
If approached, can I act as if I am as single as a dollar bill or am I technically seeing somebody? Do I continue pursuing other options? Is it natural to feel guilty or as if I am doing something wrong if I am talking to other people? Is he/she seeing other people? etc.
4. Lack of accountability/responsibility***
The other person can check in or not check in...at their heart's desire. While one might expect a guy or girl you're dating to call or text somewhat regularly or even daily, being "just friends" may be an excuse they use to exempt themselves from being held accountable, or, for that matter, reachable! It must be stated that yes, friendship does entail emotional bonds, but a romantic relationship entails a deeper, more complex form of such a bond. However, in this situation, they can elude forming that deeper bond because they're able to exhibit a greater degree of emotional and/or physical distance/unavailability. While, this would be totally unacceptable in a relationship or amongst people who are dating, it is arguably more permissible in this instance because you two are just friends. Or, at least, that is what he/she will use as his/her counterpoint (or shall I say, scapegoat) when you bring up the topic of his/her distance.
5. Jealously
He or she may actually treat you as a friend, and as such, they'll probably tell you about the normal happenings of their life, which may include divulging other people they find attractive and/or are also currently seeing. If you find your feelings for him or her growing deeper, is hearing them talk about other people in a romantic way something you can really put up with?
What is your stance? Can two people be "just friends," even if they are attracted to each other? Have you ever found yourself in the Friends+ Zone?
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Comments (23)
When I read the title of this post I had this image of me going up to one of my ladyfriends, and be like, "Hey girl, how's it goin?" And then just fondle her crotch.
My penis is very confused now
I don't mind that line if my crush said it to me. he hasn't said more than three words to me so far, so being friends first is better than what we had before, which was nothing
I can't date him or anything since he's married, but I don't mind staring at him with dreamy eyes while hanging out as friends
we'll be bestfriends
I'll accidentally trip on his shoe and then he'll catch me in his arms and almost kiss me
then I'll faint and he rushes me to the emergency room while holding my hand(
) the entire way sitting beside me on the ambulance. he'll leave flowers in my room
he'll realize that I'm the love of his life
kdrama moment
Reading this was confusing o__0
"Often times, one person may want a deeper commitment before the other is ready or able to make one."
Able to? Excuses. If you're able to date and you're not able to make a commitment it's time to check yourself into either therapy for relationship issues or sex addiction rehab.
Much of what you're describing is game playing. I can tell you from personal experience that yes... at a certain point a lack of or averseness to commitment is in itself a game that can very easily be detrimental to a romantic interest's emotional well-being and although "just friends" sounds neutral, in many cases it goes against the grain of a natural, normally progressing relationship and it's an issue that if a person requires that kind of distance in what is supposed to be a very close and intimate thing it is therapy-worthy. If someone asks you on a date and you say you want to just be friends, that's one thing... but if you're close to someone emotionally/sexually/romantically, requesting to be "just friends" for one's own convenience or comfort is the equivalent of an emotional assault on them.
In this day and age of 'you're responsible for your own happiness and no one else's', it needs to be understood that deliberately avoiding responsibility when it is already very clear that nothing in a relationship is compulsory it isn't "neutral" and victimless... it shows a voluntary recklessness with the emotions of others and however commonplace it may be, what they're doing is wholly irresponsible and hurtful especially when people go into the whole "You don't owe him anything!" spiel; they're committing the crime of taking "the exception proves the rule" too far (an example of what I mean by this) and taking advantage of the other person and using them at their convenience by reverting to "just friends" which imposes their preferences on the person who wants to take the relationship further.
hmm I don't think so, I use the friend card as an excuse and it has been used on me before - but I'm not friends with any of the people now so that just goes to show it doesn't work.
If they are both attracted to each other, no. There will always be flirting. If one likes the other and the other does not, no. One will always pine over the other. So.... no.
It depends if you add sex to the equation. If so, it's different, no matter what. I'm in my first pseudo-successful FWB, and it's hard. Good when it's good, but I know I'd take it further if I could. But it varies per indivudal situation, but who knows! To each their own.
Um...I never hold hands or kiss my same gender friends so I'd not kiss or hold hands with my gender of sexual interest friends, so that one is easy for me.
I think you can be friends with someone you want to get physical with, but that want doesn't automatically go away. I've had it wane after some time, and it not be much of an issue for me, especially if I got with someone else and my romantic and sexual energy were going elsewhere.
The way I bond and interact with men is different from the way I do with women. I don't expect to do the same things with my male friends. The fact that they might be interested in me sexually, or vice versa is always something I am aware of. It's one of the things I like, it adds and interesting dimention to things.
As far as paying for outings, most of the time we'd pay our own tab, but sometimes one picks up the tab for both, same as with my female friends.
In my experience, the male friends that came to me and talked in a detailed manner about their relationship with another woman....ended up that they were interested in me. The one's that dont ask for relationship advice, or tell me of their relationship troubles or sexual interludes are the one's that are "just friends". Not sure why that is, but that is what I've noticed over the years.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Oh ma gah... LMAO.
Woot I'm glad I'm not the only one who found this confusing.
So in accordance I will answer in a few ways.
1. If you're friends but both of you have acknowledged you might become something more, and from the way you wrote it it seems like you have done some intimate things with one another. Then no I don't think you can just be friends. 1 person (if not both) will probably always looking forward to that possibility of maybe being something more. This inherently crushes the true friendship thing. You can't be a true friend if you're constantly expecting more from someone else.
2. You're both attracted to one another, but other than innocently flirting never act upon it. Sure you can be friends. I've got plenty of female friends I'm attracted to, and some of whom are (or at least have been) attracted to me. Doesn't mean anything will ever happen between us. Also makes it easier to get close and talk to one another if you're comfortable enough around one another. Some good friendships can be formed from situations like that. However once it passes just attraction and becomes stronger feelings the friendship might be lost.
3. From the title. Not sure, but I think you can be friends with people you want to fondle. I also have quite a few friends I wouldn't mind and have thought about fondling, just as I'm sure I've had a friend here or there who's wanted to fondle me as well. But in the end that's all it is, a base desire or thought, nothing much more and so friendship stays intact.
Currently we are in the just talking stages and for now I can be friends with him and him me...except he may not know that I like him or maybe he does, I'm not too sure. If we had it out in the open that we both liked each other, that might be a different story. Although, I'm already flirtyish with him now...so...no probably.
sure two people can be just friends... but not if you're thinking this hard about the specifics. Being friends means you shouldn't have to have these rules, so stop trying to create them.
@math_music_me@xanga - Exactly.
No.
Yea I feel like knowing that the feelings you have for one another are not of the same kind just kind of ruins the relationship and makes it more awkward. You're always looking for hidden messages in everything the person says and will always misinterpret their actions. The only guy friend I have successfully kept are the ones that I have never had any kind of romantic interactions with whatsoever.
I want to fondle everyone. But I have no friends. I guess no.
The friend zone is always a large gray area for me. I have a bunch of attractive guyfriends that I love spending time with. I rarely like them as anything more than a friend, but once in a while all of a sudden I wake up a realize that I like them as more than a friend. It's a fine line between friends and love. Good luck!
You can try to be just friends, but someone is liable to get hurt.
So, I'd say no.
you cannot be just friends with those you want to fondle. why else would you want to fondle them then?
DUMP HIM!!!!
lol
bwhahaha I love that graph!!
tl;dr
Of course two people who find each other attractive can be "just friends." It's called self control.
And they sure as heck don't think this hard about it.
I spent most of my adolescence and early 20's in various places on that graph. It was torturous. Saying "lets just be friends first" seems to be codeword for "I want an out if you turn out to be crazy". A better way of saying it is "Let's take things slow and see how it goes". That's less confusing and potentially heart-shattering. At least they gave you a chance.