Sunday, 25 November 2012
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Snitches Get Stitches? My Friend is Cheating on His Girlfriend
This post was submitted by Taylor.
Here's the deal. I am stuck.I'm best friends with a couple; both the guy and the girl. I'd known them separately as best friends, then they started dating and I am still the best of friends with both. They've been dating for two years and it's a very committed relationship.
Now, the guy - he has a problem with controlling himself. He's a man whore, but had always been faithful to his girlfriend. The couple broke up a while back, then begun hooking up. Now they're at the point where they are a couple/dating without the title. He loves her, and is commited, and she loves him, and is committed as well.
I've just found out that the guy is cheating on her, and has been for about a week and a half with a girl who I am also friends with. She doesn't know anything about his and his girlfriend's history together. She probably doesn't even know they are dating without the title.
I don't know what to do.
I am so stuck and I don't know who to talk to or confront. However, he needs to quit; he has broken his girlfriend's heart before by unreasonably breaking up with her. He is probably lying to his girlfriend about "loving her" like she said he's told her.Please help me, I don't know what to do at all.
Is this one of those times where snitches get stitches, or am I liable for what happens since I'm friends with them?
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Comments (33)
The guy, obviously. He's the one who knows he wants to be committed to his girlfriend, but doesn't have the balls to do so. Then, he leaves out that he's dating someone to the person he's cheating with. Confront him and tell him that if he doesn't stop, then you'll have to break the news to her.
i'd talk to the guy and if he won't listen tell him that you're sick of seeing him hurt his girlfriend who is also your friend. if she doesn't listen to you, then you'll just have to let her learn on her own. i've found that people won't listen to you no matter how bad it really is. they'll just learn the hard way.
I hate being the first person to answer, especially when I am in bitch mode, but whatever. Sorry, I know she is your friends but she sounds like an idiot and he sounds like a damn gem. If they were my "friends" I would grab a bowl of popcorn and watch their drama from a distance and stay out of it. I am confused as to how long they have been together. Were they together for two years or did they recently break up and hook back up. OR was he hooking up with the other chick and then he stopped and then he did again. Anyway, I doubt this is the first time he has cheated on his girlfriend. He just got caught. I don't get why she is staying with someone who lies to her and then ends their relationship for no reason. (Please see the second sentence in my comment). I would let her find out on her own that he is cheating, sometimes you need a slap in the face to wake up and stop wasting your time on a person.
ETA: Oh haha not first.
They are dating, but without the title? So, are they even exclusive? Or mutually agreed that they won't see other people while they are "dating" but not holding a title? This is why it's important to have a title in a relationship and establish boundaries with each other.
If, in fact, they are exclusive, seeing that you are his best friend, you should tell him to quit it or you will tell her (your other best friend). If he don't, then tell her, so she won't be wasting anymore time. But if they are so committed to each other then this wouldn't had happened in the first place. Seems like neither of them were that committed to each other after all.
Talk to him about it - that way when you friend finds out and goes to you, you can tell her that you did the right thing and confronted him about. It probably won't stop him from cheating but at least you said something. There's no point telling your friend (the girl) because she won't believe you and you could lose a friend. Or she does believe you but you're still the messenger of bad news and she might resent it.
I must be as old as dirt. The stories here are amazing. I think, "Is someone making these stories up?" I know... it is real to you.
Hopefully you supplied enough so that I get this near right.
Okay, tell each of the original friends separately that you know that the one loves the other but sees others. Maybe they like it that way. If they didn't yet realize it, they do like it that way. Next, convince the male that he should recruit dates that know that there is another woman. Next, dial me.
I am serious... this is not sacasim... and I do not mean get me there (dial me) on the scene. I mean let me know if this works out.
Best wishes!
Snitches get stiches... what? @_@
What would YOU want done if you were in the situation??? Do that.Forget about snitch stich whatever.I have been in the situation, I'd talk to the friend getting cheated on and verify what kind of relationship she believes she is in with him - then run that by the -"Cheating" guy friend. If he is cheating, you need to give him the option to tell her. If not, remind him that she is your friend and he doesn't tell her - you would be lying to HER if he kept the secret. If he is also dating girl number two and she is also your friend, same situation goes. I've been here- it isn't easy- but it will clear the air.
If they're not exclusive, then it's okay.
Do you know if she knows? Maybe she's okay with it.
If I was being cheated on, I would want to know about it. Tell him you know, ask him to tell his gf, and if he doesn't then you should tell her.
@eshunt@revelife - This post was exactly the laugh I needed. But I think eshunt gave good advice. Of course you should inform all 3 of them of what you know, since they are all friends to you. Wouldn't you want your "friend" to tell you, I would. Bad news or not, it's important news to know.
No there is No way that you can be "liable" for anything. You're just the messenger, what they decide to do with their lives is up to them after you deliver the message.The new girl in the picture- the girl he is now dating who you think isn't aware of his prior relationship surely deserves to know, just for safety precautions. It would be awful for him to get 2 women pregnant at the same time...and not to mention possible Std's. For the 2 of them- you don't really know what their agreement is; perhaps they have no commitment now and she wouldn't care about him dating some other girl, or perhaps they are committed and she would be hurt, or mayb they just haven't talked about it and they Need to address it.
Just approach the situation humbly letting them know that you're not sure of what's going on, but that you're aware of this new girl he's dating, and ask if that is okay with them. Tell the new chick about his on again off again relationship status with his ex or SO and ask if she is aware of all of that. Good luck!I feel like you have certain ideas of how a relationship should be and we as the readers can get an idea of that. The thing I don't know if how does your friends feel about relationships, all 3 of them, the 2 best friends and the other friend. The relationships that they're having may not be healthy, but is it really your call as judge if what they're doing is good or bad? This is where being a snitch can get you into trouble UNLESS you fully understand their standpoint.
Your best friends are seeing each other WITHOUT a title. There's a lot of vagueness here so anything could possibly happen here. Your guy best friend could be technically have relations with both girls, even though it may hurt both girls. So with that, what do you do?
My advice is to not directly say anything to ANYONE, at least not yet. I feel you need to know where your friends stand on all of this. So the approach:
1) I think you should go to your best female friend and have talk with her about relationships. The approach to the conversation would be how you see some guys out there having relationships with more than one girl at once and how that kind of situation bothers you (she may ask you if the guy is in a committed relationship with one of those girls or no committed relationships). From the conversation with her, see how she feels about that topic and maybe how she feels about him or any other guys in her life.
2) Have the same kind of conversation with the other female friend of yours and see her views, and compare them to your best female friend.
3) Have a conversation with your best guy friend, except different topic. I don't know if you have an SO or not but the topic would be "how do you know if someone is the one for you?" You would start off by saying how you're not sure about finding the "one" for you, and then point at him and how he was in a committed relationship and ask him how would he know if someone is the one for him. This kind of topic allows you to gauge his views on commitment and views on women.
Once you gathered all of the data, from there I would say you have enough information to be able to act upon this situation if you still feel that it is necessary for you to do so. I'm sure though that you friends are capable of living their lives so if you were to say and/or do anything, keep that in mind to avoid telling your friends what they should do (you're not their parents and it's not like they're wanting to commit suicide and need you to stop them).
Good luck with this and hope my suggestion is helpful to you. If you got an update, let us know. It's not really my business, but this is an interesting situation so I would like to know what happens next.
without the title you/they aren't dating or exclusive.
a problem with english is the semantic ambiguity of the word love. you love your boyfriend, your mom, and your giant big screen tv... but in very different ways. as such the word love is often interpreted to have precise meaning it simply lacks. telling someone you love them, could imply a romantic relationship, but it could intend a different intimate aspect. and yes it can be used as a synonym of trust. which allows allot of mental gymnastics for people of both genders, where one says "i love you, but i'm not in love with you".
anyway, you can't break an agreement which was never made. if they broke up, and aren't publicly back together, your friend is submitting herself to a very negative circumstance. she might be trying to entice him back, but self-indulgence is the wrong way to go about it. that is wanting a guy who is simply not that into her.
as others say you should talk to the guy, but he might not think he is doing anything wrong because of the lack of a public agreement. so you shouldn't try to shame him, it probably will backfire as there is no pretense of commitment.
eshunt has it pretty much right. tell everyone, if telling the guy to make sure everyone knows is insufficient. be sure to use the word 'polyamorous' rather than 'cheating' so people don't feel rejected or shame.
这个问题很复杂， 呢。
okay, so let's ignore the point that others have brought up regarding the couple's exclusivity (or lack thereof), and suppose that the couple is indeed exclusive. i think it's none of your damn business to get involved, and the reason is that you are friends with both. if you were friends with only the girl then i'd say you should go for it. at most, you should tell the guy that you disapprove of what he's doing. but ultimately, your nosiness is not going to have any good result.
be like switzerland: always neutral.
I would discreetly find a way that your female friend finds out on her own.
Since he's your friend, you can tell him that you know he's cheating. You can suggest him to choose one person. But whether he does or not is up to him. Being a friend, it's your job to stop your friend from doing what you think is wrong but you can't expect them to do what you suggest. That's what my friend told me 3 days ago when I told her about the other friend who's cheating. I thought I should just shut up and let her write her own destiny but if things go out of control and she ends up miserable (happened to her once before), I don't want to regret (again) that I didn't do anything in my power to stop it in the very first place. So I did my part, but whether she stops or not, I can't control that anymore.
are your friends in some type of gang? so they might reply with something like, " where you from ese?! aww hell naw, pinche puto chismosa ratted out mi homie
snitches get stitches foo*loads glock*"
Well, if I were the girl, I'd want to know. Cheating pisses me the fuck off because nowadays there are so many disease-ridden people out there, who knows what you're passing along..
Who's cheating... Seems silly to say 'dating without a title' and expect everyone to believe that you're 'committed' Seems that each defy the point of each other.
And anyway, with the ambiguous nature of their relationship, doesn't seem like it's a smart idea for you to get involved either way. That shit get's complicated, yo.
Um, tell your best friend obviously. Wouldn't you like to know if your boyfriend was cheating? How would you feel if you eventually found out your boyfriend was cheating on you and your best friend was like 'oh yeah I knew the whole time'. Some best friend you are.
Don't say anything to the cheating boyfriend. The only person with any authority to give him a second chance is his girlfriend, not you.
Don't be a coward. Too many people are afraid to do the right thing because they don't want to be involved. They are cowards. They are probably the same people that walk by people getting mugged on the street. Actually, they are probably the same people that walk by their BEST FRIEND getting mugged on the street.
It's not your relationship, it's not your problem.
Snitches get stitches? What in the world does that mean?
Don't listen to manUfan420... We are social beings.. and with your friend in an unhealthy relationship, she should have the right to know... this world is so messed up for letting others get away with cheating.WHY... because in this case, how the fucccccc is it your girl-friend's Problem?! So spread the word. It's only right.
yep Ive been there.
Go the guy first. Give him the chance to man up and come clean to the girlfiend. AND break it off with the woman he is cheating with. If he doesn't come clean, then you should go to the girlfriend and tell her whats going on.
THe easiest way to decide what to do is put yourself in the shoes of the person who is being cheated on. Would you want to be told that your SO is cheating? Make your decision as to what to do based on that.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - if they tattletale(snitch), then they'll get beat up/shot with a gun, and have to stitch up their wounds.