For those of you who have ever lived with someone who is in a relationship, you know exactly what I'm about to discuss. Or, maybe you've been the roommate who is in a relationship, in which case you, too, have experience with the infamous
"sexiling." "Sexile," a word thrown around at many colleges and other settings where roommates exist, is the act of exiling your roommate for the night so that you and your lover can engage in sexual activity in privacy. Evidently, sexiling can become an issue for many roommates. It seems unfair that you shouldn't be allowed in you own room; in college, for example, that is
the one place you can get some relaxation and alone time after a long day. At the same time, it is unlikely that your roommate won't ever have sex or want some privacy with a lover, and you probably don't want to be there for that.
In an ideal world, there would be some sort of understanding between roommates about sexiling and how often it is okay to do. Ideally there would also be a balance, so one roommate isn't constantly being kicked out while the other never suffers any similar consequences. However, roommate situations are rarely ideal, let alone comfortable, especially at the beginning of college.
It is now the beginning of the year and perhaps some college freshmen are wanting to bring someone back to their room, but struggling with what to tell their roommate in order to not offend them. So, after talking to many sexilers and sexilees, I have come up with
the five rules to politely sexiling your roommate.
1. Ask don't tell.
Although sexiling sounds like it is a command, you should always try to phrase this request as a question instead of an order. It's not a great feeling to be told to leave your own room.
2. Don't do it too often.
Try to spend an even amount of time in your room and your lover's room-- that way, each roommate is only suffering half of the time.
3. Give your roommate advanced notice, if possible.
It is a lot easier for someone to find alternative plans if they're not being asked to leave at 2 AM. Your roommate will appreciate the heads up.
4. Set a time limit and don't go over it.
If you don't plan on having your guest sleepover, give your roommate a predetermined time frame for which you'd like them to be out of the room, and then abide to that limit.
5. Always say thank you!
Don't forget to tell your roommate how much you appreciate their cooperation, and always let them know that you will return the favor whenever!
So, what do you think? Have you ever sexiled someone or been sexiled? What is the right way to go about it? image source
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Comments (30)
I have that same plastic bin in the corner of the pic. It's alright. Kinda hard to open when you have more than two or three pairs of jeans in any one drawer at the same time or anything heavy.
Anyway... nope. Never had a problem with that.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I have the silver version of that bin, I stuck it on top of a cheap dresser that way it doesn't tip when I put heavier items in it.
As for sexiling, never had a problem with thatFirst time hearing this term.
This was never a problem in college. After living with someone for a while in the same room, you get to know their school and work schedule so you know your roommate is not going to be around for a couple hours without having to make your intentions clear.
Sexile hahaha I love that term. Never had to deal with it really. Oh I have on holidays when I'm sharing a room with someone but luckily on holidays you're usually out late anyway and there's always somewhere to go.
love this post! i don't think anyone's ever written about it before. fortunately for me, both my freshman and soph years i had dorky roommates who didn't get laid. in general the protocol we used to use was to put a tie on the door handle. however, this is easily sabotaged by people in the hall who want to fuck with you. so my friend and his roommate had this brilliant idea--they'd leave a faint red line on their whiteboards (all the rooms had whiteboards outside the doors). since no one else in the hall knew what it was, nobody knew to erase it if they wanted to fuck with those guys.
in any case, i turned 19 at the end of my soph year and became an RA after that (in a single), so i never had to deal with that shit again. in grad school we had 2 (or 4) br apartments--so there was no sexiling involved, but there's still that common area issue. sometimes i'd want to bring a girl back and have dinner (and/or bang on couch or whatever) without any awkward roommate interactions if he enters/leaves during. plus, this one chinese girl i was seeing was particularly loud, and i'd always have to tell her to stfu.
moral of the story: you can't put a price on privacy or sanity, which is why i have lived by myself ever since i finished grad school, despite the ridiculous fucking rent i have to pay for a half-decent shoebox-sized studio in manhattan. i clean my dishes when i want, bring people over when i want, have quiet when i want, shit with the door open, keep the a/c and heat off year round, and shower in the morning on my own schedule. i will never have roommates again. if i ever get married, that bitch can get her own house, cause i sure as shit am not giving up the convenience of living alone.
Living in a college dorm was the worst experience of my life, and this is actually low on the list of reasons (despite how horrible it was). I recommend to everyone to avoid it. I know it's tempting to leave your parents' house, but I'd have chosen to live with them a few more years in retrospect.
#0: Make sure your roommate won't FREAK THE F*** OUT that sex even took place in the room.
Not a personal experience, but close enough. Two friends who were living together had this issue and stopped talking to each other (forever) over it. And they couldn't move for several weeks, to boot, because they had to go through some kind of mediation/problem resolution process with housing/res life. A tense time in the friend-group.
[Just for clarity. Roommate was not in the room for the duration. Her bed/desk were not involved. No visible traces were left.]
I never shared a room with anyone and I don't think I'd cope with it, honestly (unless it was my boyfriend). When I was at college, I shared a house with my friends and so we never had this problem - just lock your bedroom door, simple.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - Same here. Sharing a bedroom with someone destroyed my freshman year experience. :/ Sadly, I couldn't stay with my parents since the college I went to was about six hours away.
@galliver@xanga - I HATED that. The R.A. (as they were called at my school(s)) was always up in our business. It's like, excuse me... you're a college student too. You're not qualified nor were you asked to solve my personal problems for me. FUCK OFF.
@RagingManic@xanga - Yeah, I'm a bit of an introvert and the lack of privacy is enough to make even an extrovert have an emotional break down. Was like, "dear everyone: LEAVE ME ALONE." If I were you I'd attain a part-time job to pay for rent for a nearby apartment. Even if you get one with a roommate, you can probably at least have your own bedroom which (trust me) will be a gigantic improvement upon your living situation.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I agree about marriage. After living with horrible roommates in my Freshman and Sophomore year of college (I got my own POS studio apartment in Junior & Senior year, thank GOD), I never want to live with another person ever again.
This was one of the many downfalls about living in the dorms. I had a long-term boyfriend who I'd want to come over (not only for sex, but just to hang out, watch my TV, etc) but my roommate never left the room that we shared. Literally never, except for class.
It was a tiny room which barely fit our twin sized beds and it was unbearably uncomfortable if we tried to snuggle up and watch TV while my roommate is on the other side of the room, aka a few feet away. My romantic life definitely suffered because of that...
Here you are, thinking, wow, I'm going to be living in the dorm and have so much more privacy now that I'm away from home! But I had MORE privacy at home. There would be dons/RA's who would randomly walk into the dorm twice each night - between 10pm and 2am - to come check up on us. It was rediculous. They would knock on your door and 'say hi' just to see what you were doing... Like some creepy parent.
I had SO many rules living in the dorm concerning guests, food, what things I could bring, how to live my life basically..And it sucked. I love living off campus now!!!
I haven't been a roomate, but I've been in the room while my friend and her boyfriend were doing the deed. They were on the bed, I was on the floor. I called my dad to come and get me. I didn't need to sit there and listen to it. Sure I could have just got up and went in the other room... But they could have asked before just doing it. Needless to say, I don't really talk with them much anymore.
I've only once had a potential situation like this. All my roommates never dated or were conservative enough that they didn't need THAT kind of alone time. But I had a very good friend of mine fly into Philly from California so we could go to NYC together, and luckily we were able to crash at our friend's place and while there was no sex, he did get a bit..handsy in my pants considering my friend and his g/f were in the same room.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Now that I'm a working person, I am living alone, too, even though it's 2BR. I can afford the rent, and the freedom to be loud during sex is priceless.
During freshman year (I'm now a senior), my roommate used to have sex when I was still in the room. I'd wake up to her bringing random guys home and them having sex right above me (damn bunk beds), and she even had sex with someone while I was literally laying in my bed two feet away from her (we de-bunked our beds later on in the year). It was.... awkward, to say the least, lol. And loud. But I look back on it now and just laugh.
I wish I would've been sexiled. But no. They just did it while I was in the same room, awake. Thanks, b**ch.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - I think most RA's at my school were pretty good, actually. Toed the line between being available as a resource and being nosy/pushy. Of course they patrolled for rule violations (booze, drugs, noise, etc), but then, everyone signed up for those when they moved in. RA's are only the first step in the dorm conflict-resolution system, though. In the case of my friends, it went up to the RA bosses (people who managed the RA program), director of residence life, etc.
I was sexiled once in college and I got revenge! LOL...by coming back early and started talking to his girlfriend for about two hours...thing was she was still naked underneath the covers and could not get out of the bed because I talked for two hours straight ( I am quite the talkative) and thing was I had no idea she was still nude and wanted me to leave so she could get dressed...and I just kept going on and on and on....and all three of us...my roommarte , her and myself had quite a big laugh about the situation later on that night when I found out that she wanted to shut up and get out of the room so she coould get dressed and I just would not shut up or leave...I was hoping to get a view of her beautiful naked body which never happened...we all ended up with a very funny memory.
LOL I've been on both ends of this argument, and I think you have a pretty good list of rules there. :)
Also, I read a comment above that I'd have to agree with. They mentioned that if you're someone's roommate, you should know their schedule well enough. Whenever I "Sexiled" my roommate, I never actually had to ask. I just knew when they'd be gone. There's no need to kick someone out of their own room. Just figure out their schedule and work around it.
I never had time for an overnight! I worked three jobs in college so sleepy time was just that. Sexy time was wherever my fiance and I could get some alone time in. LOL
6. Charge money to watch.
The only time this became an issue for me was when my roommate decided
to do it pretty late one evening. Normally, I'm such that, whatever,
I'll do something else... but my eyes were tired, and I needed to take
my contacts out. Any notice, and I could've brought my case with me...
but sorry, had to interrupt.
@RagingManic@xanga - @DrummingMediocrity@xanga - i pretty strongly disagree with the living at home thing. though i also hated my freshman year roommates, you grow from the experience (as well as the experience of not living in the nest, so to speak). i had friends in grad school who went to school in foreign countries where the standard was to live with your parents for all 4 years. it was like a whole new world for them to be living by themselves, but they were so much older. in some sense they were living their freshman years in grad school.
@Digital_Angel21@xanga - yeah that's cause philly rent is dirt fucking cheap!! in college i always dreamed of having my own 2 br after getting a job, but that was when i only knew san diego prices, hahaha. my friend paid like 700 bucks for his 1 br in center city before he moved to media with his then-gf (and now-fiancee, wtf). i pay 2400 for my studio in manhattan. fuck that shit.
i should really stop complaining though, i *do* have a second apartment, and both are in really nice buildings...though my company is decent enough to expense some of the second apartment, otherwise there's no way that would ever be financially sustainable.
My roommate & I had a white board on our door, so we just used to leave each other coded messages like "doing laundry!" to indicate when sex was occurring on the other side of the door.
We also did the "advanced notice" thing whenever possible.