I've had this male friend for about a year. I met him in graduate school and he became a part of my circle of close friends. After school ended in May and most of our mutual friends moved away for externships, he and I continued to be friends. When we met, I was going through a messy break up and he was dealing with a messy divorce so we kind of bonded over our troubles and our new-found singledom.
I didn't feel attracted to him at all, but kind of thought that he might have a small crush on me. For that reason, I made an effort to maintain some distance and always made it very clear to him that I wasn't looking for a relationship. He never made a move. Months passed and we continued to be friends and I guess I kind of just got comfortable with him and decided that he probably wasn't ever going to make a move on me.
I think that I may have let my guard down a bit (without realizing it) because about two weeks ago he asked me out. I told him "no" immediately in the nicest but most straightforward way I could possibly think of and told him I hoped this wouldn't interfere with our friendship in the future. He took it very well - thanked me for being honest and to the point and saying that he also wanted to continue being friends.
Anyway, I do want to continue being friends with him, but the thing is that I now feel absolute disgust for him. Before, he was just a guy that I wasn't attracted to, but since he asked me out I find him repulsive. I've definitely never found him physically attractive but he is not repulsive or disgusting by any means, and I know that these feelings I'm having are totally irrational but I can't seem to stop them.
The fact that I feel this way makes me feel like a horrible person and I wish that I could just go back to seeing him as I did before - a wonderful friend - but I can't seem to do it. As things stand now, I have been finding excuses not to hang out because I really don't even want to be around him. This is even worse because up until now, he's been one of my very closest friends.
So tell me, has anybody else experienced this before? If so, what did you do? Did the feelings ever go away?
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Comments (39)
How I feel about chicks like you sounds exactly like how you feel about him.
Men are not dolls you fit into your life however you feel like arranging them. Like, oh no, he asked you out, that must have totally ruined your picture perfect life you had laid out in your mind. I've said it so many times: men and women should always be friendly to one another; never friends. It's not unnatural, it's anti-natural, and I get looked at as a clingy chauvinist or immature to immature people who don't understand why I decline to be friends with females (especially if I'm interested in one romantically). People have this habit of assuming that just because something is difficult and unnatural like males and females being friends that it's a "mature" or "civilized" thing to do... no. People have feelings (yes, even romantic ones) for a very important purpose. If it feels wrong it's just fucking stupid to continue doing it... not "mature".
No. I have never felt like that before. I don't understand. You knew he was attracted to you and when he confirms it, suddenly he becomes repulsive? Makes 0 sense to me at all. When it happened to me, one of two things happened. 1) We moved on and continued to be friends or 2) the guy stopped pretending he wanted to be my friend. When I was older, the first scenario happened more often than not.
why are you disgusted? because he's into you?
just speculation here--if you've had some pretty negative experiences with guys before, maybe you're subconsciously projecting those experiences onto this dude? if that's right, i don't think there's anything that someone on the internet can do for you :( otherwise, i think it's difficult for us to figure out what the issue is, given the details (or lack thereof).
now you make me nervous that girls have thought this about me. but then again, this is why i never, ever, ever make moves on friends. don't shit where you eat. words to live by.
oh, and i'm sure this was the editors' mistake and not yours, but you need to fix your parallel structure. i feel [adjective] and [noun] is wrong. both should be the same part of speech.
yeah, when I find out that a guy, whom I don't find sexually appealing, has a crush on me, it makes me shiver in disgust because he has now confirmed that he likely fantasizes about me. I mean if he did that prior to directly letting me know, then it isn't that bad, but I don't feel comfortable being around him after I know that he sees me in that way. it is one thing to secretly imagine your crush naked
but another when your crush knows and now feel awkward and uncomfortable because he/she can't get the thought of you naked while imagining him/her naked and it is disgusting when the person you're imagining naked isn't attractive to you. why imagine the unappealing person, who has a crush on you naked anyway
I've fantasized about having sex with my crush before, so it'd be normal that guys, whom have crushes on me, would do the same. if not dirty thoughts about your crush, then "clean" thoughts
before I knew that he liked me, I could talk to him normally, clothed, and no lingering paranoia.
however, I haven't had this happen often where the guys, whom have told me that they liked me, were ugly, because they weren't. after they told me, I gradually found them pretty hot. probably because we were just friends before and now he suddenly tried to seduce me. he'd have his shirt off while talking to me and I'd ask him why he has his shirt off. then he'd say that he was just playing a sport and it was and still is hot. oh okay! so I continue talking to him and then later I might notice his sexy body
I usually don't tell him that I think he's sexy because we're still friends despite knowing that he likes me. I think he's trying to win me over with his body aka sell himself to me
nice to look at while talking to him, but I haven't hooked up nor dated guys, who've had crushes on me. I just didn't. probably because we talked to each other about everything, including his sexual conquests, so now I know that he's kinda really slutty, which is his choice, but I'd rather not know that a guy that I'm potentially going to date, has told me all these details about his sex life. if he wants to get with me in the future, he shouldn't have told me his sex life details. too late:P plus the way that he talked about those girls that he had sex with was pretty demeaning. he's good as a friend and funny to talk to, but I don't think I'd want more.
You don't want to prove yourself wrong.
Here's my advice:
If you don't have romantic feelings for him, accept his request and go on a date with him. Don't make any physical contact, don't show any romantic interest in him at all. At the end of the date tell him you don't have feelings for him. Continue to date him and do this until he doesn't want to continue. Do this and keep in mind that you are friends, and you both might actually have fun with it and feel relieved (if and) when he realizes he doesn't want to be with you in a romantic way... that is, unless you're afraid that you two are, in-fact, compatible.
Females like you actually look down on men without realizing you're doing it because it has become perfectly acceptable in our culture. You think he's not capable of rejecting you because he's not going to care that you don't have feelings for him and he's going to be happy with you regardless of how you feel, so you preemptively turn him down for his own good.
To break it down even more simply (and in an easy-to-understand, slightly exaggerated and caricatured way), you're assuming that he's going to want to continue to go out with a disinterested girl because you're [insert whatever positive qualities here] and he's a guy who will happily fuck (or date) anything that moves. You're disgusted by your own illusion of superior emotional intelligence and self-control, so what happens? You reject him because of it and so many females do the same to the point that it actually causes the very problem that it seeks to avoid and drives a man to be willing to fuck anything that moves.
My advice is to go out with him (maybe even act a little off-putting if possible), and let him turn you down. If you do this, I guarantee you'll feel perfectly comfortable around him again.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "but I haven't hooked up nor dated guys, who've had crushes on me. I just didn't. probably because we talked to each other about everything, including his sexual conquests, so now I know that he's kinda really slutty,"
I rest my case.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "just speculation here--if you've had some pretty negative experiences with guys before, maybe you're subconsciously projecting those experiences onto this dude?"
That ^, only I was more specific. This is exactly why I preach that there is 1 fish in the sea for every 1 person.
o__0 you're disgusted because somebody likes you?
sometimes we just can't help what we feel. and sometimes it's quite opposite of what we do want to feel!
I think maybe I sorta understand your feelings though. The idea of being possessed, like as in a gf or wife, kinda turns me off of the person too. I dunno, it seems so strange. I mean, why am I only allowed one friend? I want lots!! I feel like my lovers are stealing my life away n putting me in jail and that makes me wanna break outta my cell and crawl through the sewers until I find real love.
I dunno, lots of bfs n sex buddies seems like true love to me. I can have all my friends n eat them too! Lalalalaa
It seems like you just need time away from him. I know of friends who go through a similar situation and usually the person in your position just need time away from the person in his position. You can be honest with him and tell him that you need some time away from him because you need time to adjust to him asking you out and hope that he understands.
If he is really your close friend, he'll understand and give you your space. Hopefully he can show to you that you can be comfortable with him once again, like say if he found someone else to be in a relationship with or at least show interest in someone else. For now, some space and time from each other isn't a bad thing and can help the situation. Hope this advice helps you.
Lol. I'll be the first person to say, YES, that has happened to me before, a few times.
When a guy friend who I don't think of as a sexual person (read: basically any guy friend who I would never consider dating or kissing) indicates in some way that he would like to be in a relationship with me, I understand that while he's attracted to my personality, he's also sexually attracted to me. Thinking of this guy friend having sexual feelings, and then thinking about him also having sexual feelings for me is just really disturbing and gross. It's like someone telling me my brother or my dad would like to be physically intimate with me. I just HATE thinking of most of my guy friends that way. I see them in a way similar to the way I see my brother.
I can't really suggest a fool-proof solution to this, except to kind of tone down the relationship (not cut it off completely). I give myself as few "doses" of the guy friend as possible, and make sure that he never ever again says anything that would remind me of his sexual feelings. After a while, I can think less about his sexuality when he's around, and things get back to normal.
@LightBlue21@xanga - "I understand that while he's attracted to my personality, he's also sexually attracted to me. Thinking of this guy friend having sexual feelings, and then thinking about him also having sexual feelings for me is just really disturbing and gross."
"...you're assuming that he's going to want to continue to go out with a disinterested girl because you're [insert whatever positive qualities here] and he's a guy who will happily fuck (or date) anything that moves. You're disgusted by your own illusion of superior emotional intelligence and self-control..."
Girls think guys are so transparent, predictable, and disgusting that they themselves become transparent, predictable, and disgusting in their assumptions of them and of themselves. I find it as interesting and appealing as metaphysics (i.e. not at all).
Disgust and repulsive are very strong words, so clearly your reaction is powerful.
While I don't understand why you feel that way, you have a right to your feelings, and avoiding contact with him is understandable, and I don't think you need to feel guilty for it. If you feel you need to offer an explanation, you could tell him you're uncomfortable spending time with him now. he might not like it, but that's life.
For your own interest, you might want to investigate a little further why you have this reaction. It may help you in your future relationships to understand where it's coming from, and maybe grow out of it.
You're petty. You're not all that and a bag of chips. You talk about how you two are such good friends and now you don't even want to hang out with him. Maybe he was the friend in the relationship but not you. I could see you feeling this way if he was stalking you or something but you said he was cool with it. You rejected him and he said okay. He's moved on from it and apparently you haven't.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - I had decided by this time that I didn't think he was attracted to me, so I was kind of caught off guard.
@naughtymistress9@xanga - I don't think I'm "all that and a bag of chips" and I still really, deeply care about this person as a friend. I know it's hard to understand if you've never felt it and even I don't understand. It's a very visceral reaction that I feel like I don't really have control over. Trust me, if I could snap my fingers and make it go away, I would.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - First of all, thanks for the grammar lesson I guess? Very helpful. Secondly, I've not really had particularly bad experiences with guys before, so it's nothing like that. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it since I submitted this entry and I think it really has a lot to do with the combination of zero sexual attraction with a high level of emotional intimacy, makes me think of him like a brother. So, while your brother might not be repulsive, the idea of sex with him is.
I hope he hooks up with some hot supermodel and makes you feel jealous.
@T3hZ10n@xanga -
"My advice is to go out with him (maybe even act a little off-putting if possible), and let him turn you down. If you do this, I guarantee you'll feel perfectly comfortable around him again."
Thanks for the advice, but I prefer not to play games with people's emotions. I've rejected him and have now told him I need space for a while. I think that's the best I can do.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga -
"I hope he hooks up with some hot supermodel and makes you feel jealous."That wouldn't make me jealous. Trust me, I'd be stoked for him if he met some beautiful woman who could appreciate all of his wonderful qualities (because he really does have many). I think it would also help our friendship since I'd know that his sexual attentions were focused on someone other than me.
@ccccourage@xanga - Yes, I'm trying to investigate it and understand. As I stated in the entry, I broke up with my ex about a year ago but my dating life has been pretty normal since then. That's why these feelings are bothering me - I get that they make me sound absolutely bat-shit crazy.
@AuCinema@xanga - Judging from your response, acting off-putting wouldn't be at all necessary if that helps. Lighten up. You're a female. You play games with a man's emotions whether you realize you're doing it or not... you might as well play one that's actually good for both him and you.
In all seriousness and sincerity, I really hope you feel better and can enjoy your friendship once again.
Maybe you should try and hook him up with someone. Help yourself make that transition. In all honesty, he may have just been curious on what it might be like to be with you- not every crush is die hard. You may have only turned down an small interest and that was that. The fact that you opened up to him a lot more when you really tried hard to not before - might be read as a mixed signal. If you try and help him move on, it will help you get over this if you genuinely want to be his friend.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Oh, burn. Where's my aloe vera?
In all seriousness, thanks for the well wishes.
I don't think irrational feelings should be indulged. Don't ponder on it; continue realizing that there is no reason to feel this way so that you don't find some reason to justify it.
I'm the person that usually causes the repulsion...sorry I don't have an answer for you...lol...
He would be the fortunate one if you moved on...