Wednesday, 21 November 2012
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How Do You End a Long-Term Relationship?
This post was submitted by Katrina.
We're both 22 and have been together since high school. We decided to go to college together although he didn't plan on going, so it was kind of just him following me. He's in a good major, though we are both going to end up in debt; him more so than me.
I don't feel comfortable in this relationship anymore. There is no passion, and most of the time, I feel suffocated and unhappy even in my own apartment. I feel like I'm moving in a different direction. I want to mature and grow but it's hard with him around.I can't bring myself to tell him I want to move on. We own everything together (furniture, etc), and we've always done everything together. I just can't understand how I'm supposed to tell him that everything he tried to give me wasn't enough. I feel like I'm just throwing him out in the dirt to fend for himself. And I know he has to grow on his own as well, but I feel so guilty. Too guilty to make the leap.
Does anyone else have a similar experience they went through? Are long relationships always so effin hard to end?
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Comments (44)
it is dificult to see at your age, but i assure you this will not be the only difficult thing that will ever happen to you in life.
i've never seen someone so long to ever be in this position myself, but make sure you are fully honest with him when he asks what happened, otherwise he can't improve himself. it's the least you can do for him after so many years together.
The more difficult a relationship gets, the harder you should try. You know this deep down and that's why you feel guilty. Everyone is going to try to tell you to suppress your feelings, but don't. The good and the bad, they're all there for a reason. Maturity is such a fucked concept these days that has absolutely nothing to do with personal ownership and understanding of oneself and one's own wants and goals when everyone has their own personal definition of it and how it applies to their goals. Don't give up because you don't know what to do to make things work. The ONLY reason you should ever give up is if you know without a doubt it'll make your relationship stronger later on.
Ask yourself this:
What kind of person asks how to end a relationship instead of asking how to make it work? If it was truly over, there would be nothing to ask. The right thing to do as an individual in a relationship is not something you can take a majority vote on and go with what others tell you. Don't ask for reassurance from others to help you sabotage your relationship because if you don't have it in you, you shouldn't. Tell him what he needs to do to make things work with you.
Yes, it will be hard. It will be difficult. There will be hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But make sure how you feel, because it's hard to stop a snowball once it is rolling down a hill. Regarding material things...if people are married it is split equally or somewhat, but living together is different. You have to hope you will all be mature to each pick out something and be willing to let some stuff go. Compromise. That being sad, as difficult as it may be, don't stay in a relationship if you aren't happy. Try to muster up courage and tell him face to face. Be honest. But let him keep his dignity if possible. Break up with him the way you would want someone to treat you. There will be many other people for him and you out there, but it will be hard for him to see it at first. Good luck. I wish you and he well.
@TeamBranham@xanga - "Yes, it will be hard. It will be difficult. There will be hurt feelings and misunderstandings."
That's how you know you're doing something wrong, genius. Yeah, keep your hand grasped onto his against that frying pan until the nerves are burnt to a crisp so you don't feel anything while forcing him to do the same. Real fucking smart.
"There will be many other people for him and you out there, but it will be hard for him to see it at first."
"You know what pisses me off most about "there are plenty of fish in the sea" thinking? The male to female ratio on earth is almost perfectly 1:1 during reproductive years... so no, there is 1 fish in the sea for every 1 person unless you're okay with sharing... in which case not everybody is guaranteed to get one whole fish.
Thus is society today.
There are plenty of fish in the sea in the same way that there are plenty of trees in the rainforest or there is plenty of ozone in the atmosphere." - Self
"That being sa[i]d, as difficult as it may be, don't stay in a relationship if you aren't happy."
She creates her own happiness; not him, not anyone else. If she blames him or the relationship for her unhappiness it's only going to become a snowball in it's own right in any relationship she has in the future.
I was with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years when we broke up last December. He was my first everything. But about 2 months before the relationship ended, I started to feel how you mentioned. There was no passion in the relationship, I felt like hanging out or going to see him was more of a chore then a pleasure. I kind of brushed off the feeling, thinking that it would get better and it was just a phase that I was going through. But every time I put effort in, I felt like I never got anything back from him. He started smoking behind my back and he thought I wouldn't find out. I also found out he had been lying to me about what he was doing with his friends. Then a week before Christmas, he sent me a text message saying that he didn't want to continue the relationship. He used the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing and quite honestly I felt relieved. Like a big weight had been lift off my shoulders. Maybe that's why I wasn't upset when we broke up.
The moral of my story is, if you feel like this, don't ignore your intuition because it's not wrong. That's why they call it a gut feeling. As someone mentioned above, yes it's going to be hard but it will get harder and you will get more stressed out if you don't do it as soon as possible. When it comes to the possessions, usually I'd like to go buy who bought it but if you split the cost, talk to him about what he wants. If I could go back and do it again, I would have broken up with him when I started to feel that the relationship wasn't working. It would have saved me a lot of stress in the end. Good luck with your decision.
My boyfriend bought me a gift.
He thought I was going to go psycho, but I'm not like that.
I only go psycho when I'm stalked, chased, violated, raped (by rays), abused, screamed at, driven out of my mind and after a few TBIs and cyanide.
It used to take a lot to make me mad, but sure enough, they did it. After that, I was foaming at the mouth.
take control, get what you want out of life. live.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "The male to female ratio on earth is almost perfectly 1:1 during reproductive years... so no, there is 1 fish in the sea for every 1 person unless you're okay with sharing... in which case not everybody is guaranteed to get one whole fish."
lol. are you for real dude? so everyone is supposed to keep the first fish they get?
not to mention that the common understanding in modern biology is that humans descend from a small number of progenitors, since not every individual has desirable genetics. (which is why i tend to tell guys struggling with their game that they have to get their shit together before they are weeded out.)
of course, if you don't believe in evolution, you can perhaps appreciate the fact that humans are innately promiscuous. i'm sure you're aware that monogamy was only placed on us artificially very, very recently in the grand scale of things.
and, if you still choose to ignore that, then i'm sorry to inform you that i've stuck my dick in a lot of girls, and i know that i'm not the only one. so if secondhand fish are unacceptable for you, it seems that you pretty much have to stick with 16 yo girls or bible thumpers, since those are the only remaining "untouched" females in today's society.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "16 yo girls or bible thumpers"
You're still speaking in plurals when you're referring to individuals, only one of which I would be with if that were the scenario. You can't even begin to understand my point, as it's apparent from this little snippet that you're confused, even on a subconscious level.
Until a year and a half ago, I was untouched for the most part. I wasn't 16... nor was I religious in the least and I consider myself a fairly attractive male. You're making excuses for nature overpowering self-control... and trust me, that's an argument with so many holes in it, I don't even want or need to argue it, but to point out the ridiculousness of it, if people are "innately promiscuous" I am innately a smoker.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Well you've already been touched sounds like so why would someone want you? You're second hand by your logic. Lol, ah couldn't resist your double standard.
@xinq@xanga - I have more important things to worry about than how attractive I am to those who I don't want to be with who likewise don't want to be with me.
I'm still 'first hand' to the first person I was with sexually and the only person I want to be with romantically. So no, I'm not "second hand" by my logic because I'm not seeking to be with anyone but the first and only person I loved in both ways.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - so what happens in the hypothetical scenario where you never see this chick again? do you die alone, having never gotten to bang another girl again? (which is fine, i'm just curious.)
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - It depends on far too many specific, unknown factors and variables to give one decisive answer, because it has nothing to do with her. It's my choice.
You're like my little brother when he sees me take a sip of milk out of a measuring cup to get the right amount when helping bake things. That annoying "I thought you switched to veganism." shit.
It's like he wants to prove I "have" to not eat meat or drink milk because otherwise I'm being a hypocrite or something when it was my choice in the first place and he doesn't understand my reasoning. It's not some external law that I'm abiding to for the sake of some external cause. It's a personal choice regardless of what I would do, so whether or not that would be the case is wholly irrelevant. Likewise, your curiosity is unwarranted and annoying. Will you take a shit in exactly 20 minutes because you do, in-fact, shit on a regular basis? You're asking for a specific in what is essentially a limitless (if not at least an incomprehensibly broad) spectrum. Like going to Home Depot and asking if they have "green paint" when you're not planning on buying anything. Like WTF is even the point of asking if you could just as easily imagine what it would be like in either case, especially when you don't even know what you're specifically asking?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - uh it wasn't a complicated question. but okay, i will phrase it differently: are there any circumstances under which you would deem it acceptable for you to pursue another girl, and if so, can you explain what they are (and what makes those circumstances acceptable to pursue another girl).
i really just am curious, i honestly couldn't give less of a fuck what you do with your own body (unless it's negatively affecting others). i would be a bad liberal if i did.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga -
"but okay, i will phrase it differently..."
You've essentially called up Home Depot...
"i honestly couldn't give less of a fuck what you do with your own body"
and said you're not interested in actually buying anything...
"are there any circumstances under which you would deem it acceptable for you to pursue another girl"
asked if they have "green paint"...
"and if so, can you explain what they are..."
and before even getting a yes or no, you've asked them to name off the shades of green they have.
I can't even begin to give you an answer other than she is the only person I am currently romantically interested in (the equivalent of the answer "just about every shade you can think of", but you keep asking which ones do they have and don't they have... and it doesn't follow).
I've never lived with a guy. we live in separate homes and different states. it isn't that much distance considering it is about 1.5hr route from his home to his town's airport to my town's airport and then drive to the city where I live, which is about 10 mins. we don't talk everyday but try to since we have varying work schedules. this cat and mouse of not knowing when the other is available to talk or whatever else makes our relationship exciting. he often says that he looks forward to hear from me. I smile when I see random text messages from him with cute pics. he knows how to melt my heart. I think living together IS suffocating, thus I choose not to. however, different things work for different people. if this doesn't work, try something else. I usually dump a guy when I'm very mad and had enough, so it is easy to tell him, "I hate you and don't want to talk to you again." or along those lines. I don't know an "easy" way for lack of a better word to break up with anyone. some give a the end speech. some make it quick. it depends and only you'll really know yet you don't know. if all else fails, a flamethrower will do the trick. invite him over for a flamebroiled bbq. then dump him when he has a mouthful of spare ribs and sauce all over his face and hands. quickly dodge the rib bone if he throws it at you out of shock and rage. or he'll be happy since his stomach is satisfied and he'll thank you for the "going away" dump my bf "party"
I had to end a 7 year relationship because it just wasn't working out. We were fighting all the time and all though we tried .. it just seemed like we both needed different things out of life. It was bitter and just completely toxic and draining to feel unappreciated and try so hard for someone who just after a while.. wasn't giving me respect or anything in return. It was extremely hard to break up with him. It is stupid I know but it took me two years to get the courage to say and tell him how unhappy I was. It was sad and although I felt horrible I knew that it was the right thing to do because we were both hindering each other from living our lives to the fullest. Being stupid I should of ended it when I started to feel like it wasn't working out or when I had talked to him about how I felt things were going wrong and would try for him to make it work but he didn't want to try until I told him that I just couldn't do it anymore. There are a lot more things that messed up our relationship but I don't want to bad mouth him because although we didn't work out and he didn't treat me well .. he is a human being. He isn't a bad person. we just didn't work well together. My advice is to talk to him about it and see if there is something you can do to work it out and try. If you feel like there is indeed nothing you could improve or work upon then you should tell him. The longer you keep these feelings to yourself the more they will fester and the more you will resent that person. Remember they cant read your mind so you need to communicate these feelings even if it is hard to do so. Relationships are not easy they take work and effort and you have to be willing to put forth both of those things to make it work.
I don't have a similar experience, but from what I know, it's harder the longer you postpone it. You owe it to him to be honest and the longer it takes for you to break up with him, the harder it'll be on both of you. Rather end with a peaceful friendship than a vengeful memory.
@SexyKhoiFish@xanga - "I don't have a similar experience, but from what I know, it's harder the longer you postpone it."
Kind of like concrete. That's why you don't pour it in the first place if you're not building a permanent structure, nor do you tear it down if you have no idea what you're doing.
"You owe it to him to be honest..."
Was she lying? Why do people associate 'being honest' with not having feelings for another person? Seriously, what does that have to do with anything or does it just sound good, so people say it?
"Rather end with a peaceful friendship than a vengeful memory."
That's not for her to manipulate or decide if he would rather it not end at all.
Have you discussed this with him at all? I mean, since you've been together a long time rather than just "I want out" it seems reasonable that some discussion of the situation takes place.
He may be feeling some of the same things, you could end up in a mutually happy parting, or you might decide to give it more time, or...who knows.
Honestly, reading this makes my "she's interested in someone else" alarm go off, which isn't a bad thing, but otherwise, why not have some preliminary "I'm not feeling it" discussions with him first?
If you've gone over the scenario every which way & still find yourself no longer in love with him, just tell him. Just simply say that you've grown apart. You're allowed to grow apart; you started a relationship in high school, but you're going to grow & mature & discover you have new & different interests.. And that's ok. That's what being young is all about. You're here to make mistakes and use them to grow. And you never know, he could be in the same place as you are at the moment, but also afraid to say anything. So talk to him about it. That's all you really can do. Talk it through with him, not us, and make a decision together. Just make sure you're absolutely certain before going down this road, because once you bring up the subject, everything is going to change.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I've always believed and felt that a relationship opens doors and isn't limiting in any way from my perspective. I'm not thinking about being tied down to only her... I'm thinking about all the things she and I can do together.
Why would I put any effort into thinking about the limited number of possible failure modes when there are virtually an infinite number of opportunities for success and that number is always increasing as time goes on and thinking about them takes so little effort that I don't even have to be awake to imagine things working out between her and myself and seeking/finding happiness together.
I'm not an optimist, I'm an optimalist... which is even more realistic than being a realist because it pre-factors-in that everything is intrinsically "real" (unlike Bloggicus who is constantly in a persistent state of denial with his "that isn't real life" bullshit... everything is real life), though pessimists are inherently incapable of seeing the difference per se, as their way of looking at things cuts off before reaching the point where it would even effect their outlook on things to differentiate between the two. It has to do with loops in one's point of view, and how one's feelings can easily effect themselves subconsciously. Accepting the possibility of failure before it occurs breaks vicious circles before they happen, and there's no point in factoring in the possibility of failure if you don't plan on giving up anyway...
I linked the definition of "per se" because people constantly use it wrong, like "expresso" when it's espresso.
You seem like you would really appreciate a relationship with a deep, lasting connection if you weren't so cynical and jumping to conclusions all the time about human nature based on what appears to be the case instead of what can or will be the case with time and effort.
The main relationship-ending bullshit excuses:
'Be honest with him.'
It's such a fucking cop out. It's beyond annoying because it's so obvious that people only say this to delude themselves and each other into feeling better about what they're doing, as though he wouldn't be equally honest about his feelings. Like they're doing them some kind of favor or something good for the other person and going out of their way to not be an asshole, and then turning around an being an asshole anyway by dumping them.
'Would you rather I lie and say I still love you?'
It's like... would you rather I lie and say I don't, and just accept the fact when I'm not okay with it? Like it takes too much fucking effort to feel for another person and have a shred of empathy.
People are so transparent. Asking advice on Datingish... the blind leading the blind.
'You can't make someone love you.'
You can't make someone not love you either but apparently nobody has a problem with people trying to do that. What is the point in saying any of these things to someone? Seriously, how fucking jaded and selfish does a person have to be for any of this all-to-common yet ill-thought-out shit to seem logical, fair, or appropriate?
you've been together a long time, so i think you can be plain honest with him & say you feel like things have changed. don't be judgemental or go in with a predecided direction you want the conversation to take. the two extremes of what happens could be that you two may have a heart-to-heart and get to the bottom of what has changed & allow you to fix it. or you may both say that the feelings have fizzled out and you may both be best parting ways. there's a grey area in between which is more confusing, but i think the more you talk and communicate with each other, the easier it will be to figure out what is right for you.
Dump him. Life's too short to waste time on something that isn't right. And yes, long term relationships are always hard to end - in my experience at least, but that doesn't mean that it isn't the right thing to do. You're only 22, don't hold yourself back.