This post was submitted by Lily.
I've never had what I would consider to be a real relationship. The most I can boast is 5 months of awkwardness 'Little-bit-more-than-friends' status wherein we kissed once and it was a peck. That was that.
Suffice it to say, I'm a virgin.
I have guy friends; quite a few whom have attempted to date me at least once in the past, so guys aren't really the problem. I feel comfortable flirting with guys and I like getting to know guys.
I'm what I consider to be a "girl-next-door" type who is friend-zoned by those she fancies and unfortunately just doesn't have interest in those who like her. And despite many-a-night of almost wanting to cry, I've become accustomed to being the girl that no one ever likes back at the right time.
Now, my self-esteem could be better, yes. But I respect myself. Obviously. I'm 19-years old, not too unfortunate looking, and still a virgin -- I have standards and have not adjusted them just because of pretty words from a pretty face. Even though... well, I've wanted to.
I guess, the real problem, the reason why I'm even typing this out right now, is that whenever I have a crush on a boy, I fall HARD. I, for the most part, will even enjoy the guy's flaws. When I like someone, yes their looks are a small part of the attraction, but I fall for their personalities. And it's not a problem. Until they return the favor.
When a guy admits to liking me back or shows interest to indicate such, well, let's just say I get a little obsessive and go into full-on panic mode. I begin to nitpick and find flaws that I just can't work with -- deal breakers so to speak. And the guy all of a sudden is no longer attractive -- physically or no.
My current situation has me pining after this guy for three/four months now and he's an experienced guy. He parties and while I'm no stranger to partying, his interests do extend past the 'I'll try anything once' sort. He's been with six girls, admittedly only one of those was an actual emotional connection -- and I guess the "true virgin" in me is a bit disgusted that a boy I fancy is so careless when it comes to something which I hold in a very high regard.
The past two months of friendship with this boy have had us flirting with general banter and he actually told me at one point that he wouldn't mind 'teaching me a thing or two' so he obviously has interest in me.
But last night was the first time he EVER mentioned that he would date me. He is admittedly picky about dating and so this shocked me.
Because he has expressed interest in having something real with me, I of course have gone the past twenty-four hours in a fog just trying to determine if his partying habits are a real deal breaker.
My question, after this long winded explanation, is: Why do I never like guys back at the right time? Why do I find small, most of the time stupid reasons to not even go on one date with them--not even committing to serious relationships, I won't even date them!
Am I afraid of commitment, rejection, do I have low self-esteem? Nothing makes sense. Someone PLEASE help.
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Comments (26)
Well, this is interesting!
From my place on the merry-go-round...
I can see that you've got a "free" ride.
Why are you calling a cab?
Maybe I'll explain that one day...
or maybe your friends will drop by...
or maybe you'll figure it out.
God bless us everyone!
you enjoy teasing them and the attention, but you don't really want a relationship.
sounds like he has interest in popping your cherry. some want nothing to do with virgins while others find it a challenge. so he tells you that he's interested and picky so that you'll feel special. if you're disgusted, how will you feel if you do become his 7th encounter. that's for you to decide.
He's picky, yet he's been with 6 girls?
I somehow doubt that he's 'picky' haha...
As for your question... Not low self-esteem. Maybe more of a 'fear of commitment', but it's probably better to call it 'cautious of commitment'. And that's not necessarily an unhealthy thing...
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - You once knew naivety?
God bless us everyone!
stop thinking so hard. nobody is perfect, and certainly that includes you. you'll find that if you give people a chance, they often have a lot of qualities underneath that you don't see on the surface.
@eshunt@revelife - you been smoking some ganj tonight dude?
@eshunt@revelife - I perforated the hemisphere with my pinky finger and popped the universe's cherry!
You are in the perfect place Lily. The moment will arrive.
When everything is just right, the moment is perfect.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I spot that! You are she.
Google: Go Girl
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Ganja is the flower that a proper man must smoke as beginning of a prayerful period... no, I didn't.
God bless us everyone!
This is where I have to quote (it's probably more of a paraphrase) Alex Hitch, the love doctor, "ya'll see this See this here? This is why falling in love is so goddamn hard!" That wasn't meant to bite your head off. Just the idea of liking someone who doesn't like you is hella silly. It's okay if you like flirting, but just don't forget you are messing around with someone who really likes you for all your flaws, too. How do you think the man might feel when at least one may question what it is about him you like? It would most likely feel liek you got dissed a bit.
So, this is where you have to ask yourself: why are you flirting? Are you doing it because you want a relationship or just for the fun of it. If you are doing it for the relatinoship, throw all your insecurities out the window and just be loved, dammit! If it is for the fun, just keep in mind someone there can really have an interest in you. When you find reasons to jump ship, all it does is makes someone feel like they fucked up by saying they like you, too. That is one of the major reasons going out with people is such a pain in the ass.
It sounds like you're just not ready for a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that.
he's gonna fuck you and use all that delicious innocent erythro elixir to temporarily satiate his ego and lower the nitrous oxide levels in his dick arteries.
your brain will feign an emotional attachment to him making you think that you're different from the other 6 girls.
he'll educate you from being a clumsy starfish lover into a pornstar in bed.
your yearning for an ethereal emotional attachment from him will never be met
he'll get sick of your overdemanding/thinking/obsessive shit and break up with you
:D
DON'T DO IT. Given his reputation, he seems like he just likes getting some action.
There are certain things that are nitpicking, but other things that you can't ignore, and him being a player is one of them. Don't be with this guy (or any guy) just for the attention..The right guy will eventually come along.If you don't care about him, why go out with him He seems like a questionable kind of guy, really.
Lol. I'm not even going to touch this one. It's too easy. You all can have at it, I'll just sit back and watch. /popcorn
@LeeKymKween@xanga - I'm LOLing at how you ended this comment with a smiley face.
I see nothing you are doing as unreasonable.
First, I think you've made a good decision of not wanting to start relationships without long term potential... and second, I think you are making sound judgments based on the individual's actions that lead you to believe many of your potentials are not going to make compatible long-term matches. That is neither paranoia nor fear of commitment, but a realistic evaluation of a relationship. I will also tell you that, at some point in the future, things will line up. It may be awhile, but there will be a time when you have sparks at the same time you have chemistry and similar life goals, social responsibilities, and interests. Could it be awhile? Yes. But will it be worth the wait? Though others on this site will disagree with me, I wholeheartedly believe it to be so.
If you believe in waiting for someone with whom you see long-term compatibility, with whom you share a large number of interests, and to whom you are physically attracted, then commit to that philosophy, and develop yourself in such a manner that you will be appealing to said person. Do the things you enjoy, and get better at them. You'll meet like-minded people along the way, and there's a large chance at least one of them will have an acceptable social schedule, sexual history, and cute smile.
It is possible that you might be placing too much emphasis on physical attractiveness. That's not something I can directly get from your post, but I suggest that the best people to date are the ones who make you laugh, and whom you enjoy spending time with. If you feel "Friend Zoned", then you might want to recheck out some of the boys that you have friend-zoned, and see if maybe you can't be attracted to a few of them. If this is impossible, then there is probably something wrong with your physical standards.
"Why do I never like guys back at the right time?" Well I'll just guess, I think it's because you are afraid, for one, another thing is you enjoy in some fantasy type way a faraway crush and prefer it because it's safe and you don't have to risk getting hurt, and you enjoy the challenge of trying to get the attention of someone. All of this comes from probably being too young, immature, inexperienced, and not ready for a real, healthy relationship. That's my guess... could be wrong... but maybe I hit it. Don't really know take it with a grain of salt.
I had the same problem for so long...but when you meet the right guy, it doesn't happen. Or you work through it.
My first serious boyfriend? I worked through it. I liked him for a couple years before we dated. As soon as he asked me out I freaked and noticed every little stupid thing. And then I was like, "you know what Molly? Get over yourself." And it worked for a while.My current boyfriend? I noticed the faults right off. :p And none of them were deal breakers...even though some things were the same in him as guys who I had previously liked and then stopped liking as soon as I knew they liked me back.When you find the right guy it'll be okay.The thrill is in the chase once your caught the thrill is gone.
Not to be overly rude or anything, but I think we get the point that you're a virgin. There's no need to state it over and over again.
The thing you have to realize is emotions aren't rational. You can intellectually know there's nothing wrong with you, that you deserve respect and happiness etc but your heart hasn't gotten the memo yet. Your brain is modular, which means two parts of it can disagree or be in conflict with each other. You need to let someone build you up and nurture you until your heart catches up to your head. Another way to learn self esteem is to work hard at something and succeed. Just being aware of what's going on in your head helps over time too. When you like who you are you will be able to let other people like you too. This smacks of the "if he really likes me there must be something wrong with him" mentality which is all about low self esteem.
I do the same thing.
Why do I never like guys back at the right time?
That's literally out of your hands. That's the way liking someone works. Right place, right time. People tend to like people that are close to them - same city, same school, same class, etc.
Why do I find small, most of the time stupid reasons to not even go on one date with them--not even committing to serious relationships, I won't even date them. Am I afraid of commitment, rejection, do I have low self-esteem?
You obviously freak out for some reason or another, but that's for you to decide. For me, it's a combination of inexperience and being self-conscious about insignificant things. Maybe you think you're "supposed" to be the girl-next-door, the friend, the cool chick. Maybe you do have considerable self-esteem, but when anyone returns advances, you think "Why me? Why not (insert random name here)?" It could be rejection (I doubt it though, since you're being pursued - and hence, probably won't get rejected). It could be that you fear affection. I, nor can anyone else, answer this question for you.
As for him:He might be very well interested in dating you. Having sex and dating are completely different things, though. I know guys that will stick it in anything that walks. If it helps you to re-frame your mind, most boys start having sex in high school (so 14, 15 years old). If he's had sex with 6 girls (if he's not lying, and is around 19,20), then that's approximately 1 girl per year. Not too bad, right? I know guys that are in their early 20's and have stopped counting at 60+.
If you do pursue this, just be careful. Figure out what he's all about - if he's a good person. If it ever comes up again, you could also tell him that you like him, but want to get to know him before you pursue anything else. If he's genuine, he'll wait. If he's looking to hit it and quit it, he might wait for awhile.... or he might not.
And lastly - deal breakers.He's young, he's partying. It's a common phase, especially at this age, especially for boys, and especially if you are in college. Some phases last longer than others. The question is: Do you want to stick through it? Do you want a serious relationship? Do you just want to play the field? Do you even want a relationship at all? Or do you just enjoy flirting? Stop asking yourself why - just figure out what emotions you are feeling right now, and the answers should come. If not, at least you'll know what's wrong and then can figure out how to address that.
I feel like it's possible that you're afraid of commitment, but you're forgetting the in-between area that can exist. Going on a date with somebody isn't saying, hey, I'm committed to you... it's just, hey, I'm getting to know you more because I'm interested in you specifically.
But then of course, it could just be that you haven't found the right guy yet.
Man I love girls like you. It's impossible to be in a relationship with you because of your upside down emotions, so I'll just pretend to hate you...do you and then dump you.