This post was submitted by Lily.
I've never had what I would consider to be a real relationship. The most I can boast is 5 months of awkwardness 'Little-bit-more-than-friends' status wherein we kissed once and it was a peck. That was that.
Suffice it to say, I'm a virgin.
I have guy friends; quite a few whom have attempted to date me at least once in the past, so guys aren't really the problem. I feel comfortable flirting with guys and I like getting to know guys.
I'm what I consider to be a "girl-next-door" type who is friend-zoned by those she fancies and unfortunately just doesn't have interest in those who like her. And despite many-a-night of almost wanting to cry, I've become accustomed to being the girl that no one ever likes back at the right time.
Now, my self-esteem could be better, yes. But I respect myself. Obviously. I'm 19-years old, not too unfortunate looking, and still a virgin -- I have standards and have not adjusted them just because of pretty words from a pretty face. Even though... well, I've wanted to.
I guess, the real problem, the reason why I'm even typing this out right now, is that whenever I have a crush on a boy, I fall HARD. I, for the most part, will even enjoy the guy's flaws. When I like someone, yes their looks are a small part of the attraction, but I fall for their personalities. And it's not a problem. Until they return the favor.
When a guy admits to liking me back or shows interest to indicate such, well, let's just say I get a little obsessive and go into full-on panic mode. I begin to nitpick and find flaws that I just can't work with -- deal breakers so to speak. And the guy all of a sudden is no longer attractive -- physically or no.
My current situation has me pining after this guy for three/four months now and he's an experienced guy. He parties and while I'm no stranger to partying, his interests do extend past the 'I'll try anything once' sort. He's been with six girls, admittedly only one of those was an actual emotional connection -- and I guess the "true virgin" in me is a bit disgusted that a boy I fancy is so careless when it comes to something which I hold in a very high regard.
The past two months of friendship with this boy have had us flirting with general banter and he actually told me at one point that he wouldn't mind 'teaching me a thing or two' so he obviously has interest in me.
But last night was the first time he EVER mentioned that he would date me. He is admittedly picky about dating and so this shocked me.
Because he has expressed interest in having something real with me, I of course have gone the past twenty-four hours in a fog just trying to determine if his partying habits are a real deal breaker.
My question, after this long winded explanation, is: Why do I never like guys back at the right time? Why do I find small, most of the time stupid reasons to not even go on one date with them--not even committing to serious relationships, I won't even date them!
Am I afraid of commitment, rejection, do I have low self-esteem? Nothing makes sense. Someone PLEASE help.