Recently, a friend told me about a psychology class he took years ago in college. All he remembers from the whole semester is something his professor once mentioned while discussing love and relationships. He remembers him saying that
the first time someone says "I love you" in a new relationship, it is not a statement, but rather a question. Essentially, this professor was asserting that the first time someone says "I love you" to a new SO it is actually the question "Do you love me?"
Is this professor right? Or is the first "I love you" a genuine feeling that one desires to express and then does?
This got me thinking. Of course, I
hope that when someone says "I love you" for the first time it is because they truly mean it. But in the back of my mind, I do feel it is hard to quantify exactly what love is, or to know if it exists at the start of a relationship. So, what if the first use of this expression is, more often than not, an attempt to find out what's really there? Could the first declaration of love in a given relationship just be a test (likely subconscious) to see if the other person responds mutually?
Perhaps it is a combination of both possibilities. Maybe love is felt to an extent, but when one offers these words for the first time, they are also, at some subliminal level, hoping to hear it in return and therefore feel reassured.
What do you think? Is the first "I love you" in a relationship more often genuine, or is it more often a subconscious question of the other person's feelings?
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Comments (24)
it's asking for reassurance that the connection felt isn't one-sided
I've got to be honest, and this is a dick move, but I've used it as a form of pacification. I've never actually meant it the first time I've said it as a question or otherwise.
Unfortunately it turns out that I tend to date crazy people and instead of calming down they get all excited because they claim to 'love me too'/ have love me for a long time... Oh how I hate when that happens.
Either way I think for most, yes it is a question. And if not a question it is a manipulation.
It's equally a combination of both. Just like I was describing in one of my recent entries:
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
Following that logic, it could also be said that we project onto that statement what we want to think it means.
How hard is it to understand that people feel for each other and how one person feels can effect how another person feels? That a professor mentioned this doesn't surprise me, but I'm thinking that when taken out of context as a small part that was remembered out of a much larger overall curriculum, the popular psychology aspect of it exaggerates the concept out of proportion to the student remembering it, and furthermore to someone who hasn't taken the class at all (e.g. my mom once told me she heard that certain behaviors like an adult sucking their thumb are considered a form of masturbation... I really think that's taken out of context, TBH, but axiomatic enough to her that she thought "That must be true, because it makes sense!" without realizing context makes a huge difference and it certainly doesn't sound like anything close to the truth to someone who has no idea what that has to do with anything). So whether the first "I love you" is a question or a description of one's own feelings is really in itself just a matter of how you want to look at it, but in reality, if you feel like you love the person when you say it, odds are it's not a "question" in the normal sense.
"...but when one offers these words for the first time, they are also, at some subliminal level, hoping to hear it in return and therefore feel reassured."
A lot of times people very much consciously hope to hear it returned so they feel reassured, at least, I know I do. Salience-based pseudo-paradoxes...
Whether it's a question or a proclamation of one's own feelings wholly depends on why it matters to the person wondering which one it is.
For example:
"Of course, I hope that when someone says "I love you" for the first time it is because they truly mean it."
You hope they truly mean it? Whether they mean it isn't addressed... either way, they mean it.
What if it were true that the first time it is said it is a question and not a statement? Wouldn't it mean just as much to you if they were asking you in hopes that you feel the same way as they do? Or would it mean more to you that the person state it directly without hoping you feel the same way and not considering your feelings at all? I call it a salience paradox... because it's not truly paradoxical, it just depends on how each person wants to look at it.
"You don't know what love is, you do as you're told."
I disagree.
I distinctly remember the fist time my husband told me he loved me.We had been joking around and laughing all night. After a giant fit of laughter he smiled and said, "I love you." He immediately stopped laughing and said, "I didn't mean to say that."I laughed. It was so cute and innocent in the way you tell your friends and family you love them when they make you happy. He wasn't asking for reassurance, he was merely stating how he felt in that moment, without even realizing it.And in that instance, that's the most perfect, innocent "I love you." You will ever hear.
One Hit Wonders
Haddaway
What Is Love
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Oh, baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Yeah
Oh, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong
Gimme a sign
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh
Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh
Oh, I don't know, what can I do
What else can I say, it's up to you
I know we're one, just me and you
I can't go on
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh
Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh
What is love, oooh, oooh, oooh
What is love, oooh, oooh, oooh
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
I want no other, no other lover
This is your life, our time
When we are together, I need you forever
Is it love
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more (oooh, oooh)
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more (oooh, oooh)
What is love?
God bless us everyone!
lovey dovey words are meaningless if the person expressing them is a two faced jerk. it is more of "I love the way you make me feel." michael jackson knows via his "the way you make me feel" song
Aw, but it's gotta be one or the other, otherwise that's not interesting at all...
Sike.
It's both. Why am I writing in an ironic tone?
Simple really; because the author of the post answered their own question.
"Of course, I hope that when someone says "I love you" for the first time it is because they truly mean it."
In the exact same way that the person saying it hopes you feel the same as they do. So if it would mean less to you that the person saying it is asking it as a question, you're being a hypocrite for receiving it with a question (i.e. 'Do they truly mean it?')... and you shouldn't be a hypocrite, it's rude.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "lovey dovey words are meaningless if the person expressing them is a two faced jerk."
Meaningless to who?
By the way, that's a rhetorical question.
I don't say it unless I mean it. It is upsetting when someone doesn't say it back, but I'd rather they were honest.
In an immature relationship the person who is more insecure about how the other person feels about them tends to say it first - this is where the professor's point comes true. they say it because they need assurance.
In a mature relationship where both parties feels equally happy, the person who feels a bit more secure about the relationship tend to say it first and they say it because they feel it/mean it...
That's my theory anyway.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - You're settling through errors in modality. I've noticed this pattern in people who have so-called 'experience' and don't realize bad experience actually detracts from one's overall maturity. You bring extraneous factors into question that assume the worst when the worst is actually an illogical assumption, because you're used to people making illogical excuses for their behavior, which actually leads to your own illogical behavior when you make decisions based off of illogical assumptions.
The author mentions they hope the person saying it truly means it, which isn't addressed at all... either way they 'mean it'. I pretty much solved that and then you bring up how you would rather they were honest. Honesty isn't addressed at all... it is assumed that either way they're being honest whether they say it or not.
Instead of the illogical assumption:
(if they don't say it back) "...but I'd rather they were honest."
(a digression that is 2 steps removed from being relevant to the main point)
You should go with:
(if they do say it) "...but I'd rather they mean it."
(a digression that is 1 step removed from being relevant to the main point)
But even that brings us back to my original point to the author... either way they mean it.
The "error in modality" I'm referring to is the assumption that the person saying "I love you" is more likely to be dishonest than if they didn't say it at all... not factoring in that, by that very same logic, it would be equally dishonest for a person to feel it and not say it.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Leviathan will sabotage the earth's gravitational force and subsequently snap everyones' hamstrings including yours.
fyi: that's a direct threat from the sexy sea goddess
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Leviathan will then be used in cosmetic products of all sorts like lipstick and what not, for the already sexy sea goddess of course.
I think the "meaning" behind those three little words are as varied as the people who utter them. Sort of like "fuck", "love" can mean a LOT of things...good, bad and otherwise.
Even the first time someone tells the other they love them, it can mean many things...it can be a confession, a confirmation, question, manipulation, temptation, gift, threat.
Most people don't have a conscious understanding of what the word "love" means to them. They feel it, and act on it, but they haven't dissected it. And because that group of feelings and experiences that fall under the heading of "love" is SO varied and extensive, it's hard to pin it down. Even for the same person. I can say "I love you" to my partner six times a day and it will mean seven different things.
This isn't dishonesty, it's just the way emotions are, and the word love is associated with such a complex mix of emotions that it truly IS indefinable.
Also any individuals internal definition of love is based on their own previous experience. The "I love you" of someone who grew up in a healthy loving environment is going to mean something different than the "I love you" of someone who grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive environment.
Just like most things I think it probably depends on the situation it occurs in. It could be a misguided premature "I love you" that a person says without actually feeling truly in love but really liking someone and just thinking it's love. Or a reactive response to something that happens such as "aw I love you." Or like I saw someone else say it could be a bait for reassurance that you both feel the same.
My husband said it first and he meant it. It wasn't returned yet. He said that was a bummer but it was okay. When I did say it, it sort of just fell out of my mouth in the middle of a disagreement.
@PrettiEnough@xanga - AWWWWW cute. haha
If this post is true, I totally failed. The first time my SO said 'I love you' I was going away for a few weeks and I was going to be seeing an Ex. I was totally shocked, having not known him well for very long and just stared at him blankly before saying 'OKAY! thanks! .... Runaway!' then rushed into the terminal.
It did seem that he was asking maybe. Thinking back on it, he was prolly worried I wouldn't come back to him.
But I did... and I hear him say it all the time.
For me, I don't really care if someone doesn't love me back, I just like telling the people I love that I love them. So I say it all the time. I know-- don't judge me.
I've run into trouble saying I love you, because the person it's directed at ends up thinking it means something that it doesn't, so I just generally don't anymore.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - when you really think about it, we only like /love people for the feelings they conjure up in ourselves.
No one gets into a relationship altruistically.
@testyman666@xanga - When people are the voice for "no one" they are only speaking from personal experience. Many, many people enter into relationships altruistically. In-fact, there was a post recently about couples that get married at random in some religion... hundreds or thousands at a time and spend a lifetime together because they feel that you should be able to love any child of God or whatever.
Before you say "No one [whatever]" keep in mind that you are speaking for no one.
@T3hZ10n@xanga -
You are scrounging
within the haystack of every single person that ever walked to earth to
find the one exception. Even then,Doing it for God is not altruism.
People will do crazy things because they fear God or they want to get in
his good books.
Sometimes people do altruistic things - getting into relationships where they are getting nothing out of it is not one of them.
@testyman666@xanga - There is no relationship in which nothing is gotten out of it. Altruism underlies the best relationships of all. Just because something is gotten out of it in no way does that mean that altruism cannot be the foundation of a relationship, in much the same way that an organization can unintentionally make a profit (which isn't at all uncommon) and that doesn't change the fact that it is still a non-profit organization.
I think matters of the mind and matters of the heart are fairly intertwined, so the idea that we are posing a question when we spout a statement isn't at all farfetched or surprising. I think, in order to incorporate all the different scenarios, people, and situations, that it is a combination, we are both stating where our heart is at the same time our mind wants to know if they feel the same.
that sounds spot on to me!!!