Sunday, 18 November 2012
When you think of one of the hardest dating sites to use, I guarantee you that OkCupid is on your top-5 list. Released only on Internet Explorer, OkCupid is the perfect predecessor to eHarmony. It makes me wonder why OkCupid was only released on Internet Explorer and not any other web browser.
So I log into OkCupid and... what a pixelated nightmare! You mean to tell me there are ads on this site? And what's with these quizzes? What a shitload of shit! I mean, how come there isn't a flashy intro? Where are all the scrolling marquees? How about the background music? If only the site developers did away with the ads, the quizzes, and the personality comparisons and used the extra space to upgrade the graphics, then we would have a legendary dating website. Instead, we just have to settle for what looks like a pile of poop!
After doing some further research, the site has a feature called the A-List, which is supposed to get rid of the ads and add more variables to my search. Alright! So I go to sign up for the A-List and it's $9.95 + tax?! Why the hell would I pay $9.95 + tax to use a friggin' dating site? This is ridiculous! Fuck this shit! What a load of assburgers with a side of fries!
So I put up my profile, put up a picture or two, and... what the hell? Profile not complete? What kind of crap is this? I get more pleasure sticking my penis into a fan! Well, anyways, after doing further research, I discovered that in order to complete the profile, you have to answer a whole bunch of personality questions. Just who the hell has time to do this? I bet some twisted site developer is laughing his ass off. Well lah-dee-da! So it's time to break out the montage!
*Montage of me raising my profile completeness meter while grunting and montage music playing in the background.*
So once your profile is complete, you're ready to search for potential matches. Here, you have the option to search in basic mode or advanced mode. In the advanced mode, you can select your match's age, sex, height, location, marital status, number of kids, and if she listens to Van Halen. *Plays Jump*
So I find this one girl of interest named SallyChick748. Alright, let's check out her pictures. Hot damn, what a babe. Let's see what kind of pick-up line I can use on her! I know...
"Hey baby, like your profile. Come check out mine so we can rub profiles together. Signed: The Irate Dater."
Alright, let's see what her response will be.
*Looks bored waiting for her email*
*Frantically pushes the refresh button*
So after five minutes of waiting, guess what? NOTHING! What a bunch of dickwaffles! I thought online dating was supposed to be fun. Why the fuck do I have to wait more than five minutes for some girl to reply?! While I wait, I think I will email some other girls. *insert montage*
Alright, finally, a message! Let's see what it says...
"Hi, I checked out your profile, and I'm afraid I don't think we'd be a good match. I'm looking for a man who is deep in his faith and is very close to God. Good luck on your search!"
Good luck on your search?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? And also, this girl's a Christian? I didn't see her at a church in her profile pictures. Hell, I didn't even see her wearing a cross. Well, after doing some further research by reading her profile, I discovered that she made a huge point about only wanting to date other Christian men who think like she does. Well lah-dee fuckin' da! How the hell was I supposed to know that? I don't have time to read profiles; I just have to message the hell out of these women!
So anyways, final verdict: OkCupid sucks, and is a piece of shit.