Friday, 16 November 2012
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Marriage: Not a Race
Now that I am in my mid-20s, I have reached the age where a large number of my peers are getting married. Most people are out of school, are utilizing their college degrees in full-time jobs, and have moved out of their parents’ home and into their own place and are therefore ready to take that next step in their lives with their significant other.In the last two years, I have been bombarded with Facebook notifications informing me of engagements and marriages of people I knew from high school, college, and graduate school. Since social media sites allow us to instantly share information about our lives to an audience of our family, friends, and peers, once a person announces his or her engagement or marriage, everybody on that person’s list of “friends” instantly knows about it.
Of course, watching all of these engagements be announced over the Internet can fill people who are not yet engaged with a bit of jealousy. Why be jealous? Isn’t every relationship different? Unfortunately, some people are stuck in the “Everyone-else-is-doing-it,-so-why-shouldn’t-I?” mentality that some of us may remember from middle school. Why get married? Well, everyone else is doing it!
There is one woman I know who is almost 25 and has been dating her boyfriend for five years. Every time she logs into Facebook and sees that somebody else has gotten engaged, she gets infuriated because her boyfriend has not yet proposed to her. She gets extra angry when she realizes that the engaged couple has been dating for a shorter period of time than she has been dating her boyfriend.
Admittedly, I occasionally find myself becoming a little jealous when I see people getting engaged. My boyfriend and I did not finish school at the same time, since I went for a master’s degree while he is currently working on a Ph.D., and we decided to wait until we are both done with school and have jobs before we get married. Now that I’m done with school, I’m working and saving up money for when he’s done in about two years. Although it can sometimes be unsettling to see everyone around us get engaged and married, I know that waiting a couple of years is best for our situation.
What this woman and I both need to keep in mind is that each relationship is unique, and the circumstances for each couple are going to be a little bit different. Just because other people have decided that getting married right now works best for them does not mean that marriage is the best idea for all couples in our age range. After all, marriage is not a race, and if a couple gets married right now just because everybody else is doing it, that couple may wind up divorced in a short period of time.
Marriage is a large step in a relationship, and, in my opinion, is a step that is best taken not only when a relationship has matured and both people are more than ready to commit to one another for life, but also when both people involved are financially ready to live on their own and pay for the wedding. This usually means waiting at least until one or both people in the relationship have secured a full-time job. Having a financial crisis can put a massive strain on any relationship, and the last thing a couple wants is to begin a marriage with tension as a result of money – something that could have been prevented if they waited an extra year or two before getting married.
In your opinion, what are signs that show that a couple is “ready” to get married? Has seeing what your peers have been up to on social networking sites ever influenced the way that you view your own life?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
- Name: iamnotyourgrandma
- About Me: I'm 24 years old, and, as my username implies, there is a 100% chance that I am not, in fact, your grandma. I enjoy discussions about relationship ideologies and examining how a person's background/upbringing affects his/her views about how relationships work. Feel free to leave me a comment or subscribe to my site!
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Comments (18)
I totally think you and your significant other are doing the best thing possible for your relationship and to begin a marriage on a solid foundation financially and emotionally. It is constantly repeated that the #1 thing that causes problems in relationships is money issues and many of these lead to divorce. You are being smart and responsible and doing the absolute best thing you can for your future by both finishing your education tracks and waiting until you both have steady jobs. Seriously, I think you're doing awesome and I know it's hard to fall into the "everyone is doing it" pit but in the long run, your relationship will thank you for waiting until you are both secure :) Think about how much better it's going to be when you both can go on trips and do things that you really want to do after you are married without worrying about scraping pennies together to afford to go out to Ruby Tuesdays.
Best wishes to you both!
I agree, marriage is not a race. I cannot speak for others, but I can say what made me feel it was the right time to get married. For us, it was not an age thing. Or a baby thing. Or even a "save on the taxes" thing. We reasonably felt that what we wanted out of life and our expectations were similar, we loved each other and we were prepared to take on whatever challenges life had to offer TOGETHER. We knew we wanted to to have each other's backs, to share life's experiences together and wanted to grow old together. Pressuring one's partner to get married because seemingly everyone else is getting married is not a good way to go. Honestly, I think it is less of when a couple decides to get married that decides the how long the marriage last. I think it is more of how hard is a couple willing to work things out, compromise and be supportive of each other.
I'm already married, so when I see pictures or posts of people mentioning their children/pregnancy affect me more than engagement and marriage announcements. But, I suppose that is a conversation for another day.
However, one girl I went to school with and graduated at the same time is getting married on New Years. Why? Well at first it was a pregnancy scare, but even when she found out she wasn't pregnant they still decided to go on with the wedding.... Why?? Because I quote, she said "he's cute".
..... Marriage happens for different people for different reasons I guess. I love my bf to death but... Marriage, right now? No thank you. I'll take diamond earrings instead of a ring ;)
This is actually a great, sensical post on datingish.
It's not a race? You're joking right?
Marriage: An over-compartmentalized idea, the benefits of which must not only be present and accounted for but are thoroughly expected long before it ever happens. It's not even a step forward in a relationship anymore, it's a recognition of conditions that are already present. Like a trophy. No... more like a plaque.
'I'm not even going to consider dating a guy who doesn't [have/do/manage] his own [whatever].'
Congratulations. That's what happens when you try so damn hard to make sure the other person is ready for YOU instead of letting them handle their own stuff.
I would absolutely love to get married to someone I love some day, but not if marriage has to be 'earned' on my part. It should be an investment in oneself as much as the other person IMO, and you take the step when the other person feels they're ready if you already are (hence the whole asking them thing, instead of merely informing them).
"True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. " - Wedding Crashers (for all I know)
I had mix feelings when I was at the age where all of my friends are getting married. I remember feeling slightly jealous, and maybe like I may end up being the old lady with the dogs. However, at the same time I was able to really look at myself and the things that were going on with my life and see that I wasn't even ready for a committed relationship, let alone marriage. Many of my friends that were married during that time period are divorced now. With some of them I am not shocked, but others did surprise me. I think like me, they thought they were in their mid/late 20s and they had to get married or they'd end up being old maids. Like you said, it's not a race. It's not a milestone. It's a big decision that shouldn't be taken lightly or entered into because you are supposed to be married by now.
I don't want to get married. There's nothing in it for me. I get stuck with the biggest losers. I'd rather die than let one touch me. I don't care what they've turned me into. I will not reproduce with the ones I get trapped with thanks to people.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - hey, I want to be the old lady with the dogs. You should see what I get.
I laugh at all the stupid people who get married to get married. They screw themselves over.
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - ROFL. You can be the old lady with the dogs. I don't understand getting married to get married, but oh well.
in what way is this not a race? i intend to have grandkids before some of my high school classmates even get married. give me 5 years.
but just to be sure, i win a prize, right?
I think the right time is when the couple wants to and has the resources to live at a level that they are both comfortable with.
Your criteria make sense to you, others have their own ideas about things. Many marriages (I'd be willing to stick my neck out and say most) don't begin with the situation you describe, but truly I don't see them failing at a greater rate. There is something to people building a strong bond by depending on one another and working to overcome real life struggles those first years of marriage.
What seems, logically, to be the best foundation, isn't always the case. Psychology is a funny thing.
I find the current "prove you don't need anyone before you get into a relationship" trend weird. If you are totally independent, then why bother? If you have the great job, the money, the house, and are totally self actualized, why bother? Hire a uterus, or buy some sperm from the sperm bank that meets your exacting criteria, if you DO want kids.
The high percentage of comments on Datingish to the effect of "if you really want to be in a relationship it proves your not ready to be in one" leave me scratching my head. I guess the 99.9% of us who don't have our shit together should stay home and rotate on our thumbs.
@ccccourage@xanga - Exactly.
Everyone wants to be needed but most only want to be needed when they feel they need others (but the truth is, if you live in a society, you need others). It makes no sense. Well, it makes perfect sense, but it's stupid.
That being said...
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - I'd much rather be truly dependent on another person than live an illusion of being independent from everyone.
One of my friends is 20 and got married in July. Four months later, she's on her way to getting divorced. I know some couples marry young and last forever, but I just don't see the rush. Your brain isn't fully developed until you're 25, and at 20, you're still very young and very controlled by your hormones and influenced by them and by your peers.
If you love someone, just...be together. Enjoy being young. Travel, move in together, try new experiences, talk, visit new places, focus on getting a job, a decent car and enough money to secure a good future together, and if a few years down the line you're still happy, then get married. Otherwise you just end up young, with a broken heart, no money (divorces are expensive) and probably living back with your parents with no real means of independent support. I don't get the rush. We don't all die at thirty anymore. Live a little.
To each his/her own. The biggest thing here bothering me is why the crap people feel the need to 'friend' every damned acquaintance they've ever had. Bah. I'm ending this rant before I get started but to address the question, I only care what people on facebook are doing when they annoy me with obsessively posting religious or baby shit and when they're fucking over 'the system'.
We got our 'shit wings' pretty early on and knew that nothing could tear us apart.
We were poor before we got married. We're not fantastically well off now, either. Your logic is flawed about needing to be 'set up' first. Marriage changed not a damn thing for us, except maybe higher taxes. If you're struggling when you start out as a couple, why would you not be able to weather such a problem later on? I don't follow. Actually, I'm absolutely confused as to where you're coming up with that idea.
If that's what you want to do, that's totally fine. I'm not dogging you for it. I just don't see your argument. If you're just needing to set up the funds to have a grand wedding, then phrase it that way. We didn't have a wedding. Just us and the mayor, our 'vows', rings, the paperwork, and a hundred dollars or so.
Honestly, I believe someone is ready when they understand that they aren't getting married out of love. I know sounds crazy right? Well why pay money to tell someone you love them? I got married for financial reasons...I wouldn't have been able to go to school. We decided to do it so we could both attend college but had a firm understanding that it wasn't out of love. The best part about this is we don't have major fights. In the end, we will choose to stay married based on the fact that we love each other and don't want the government involved in our stuff if something bad happens. We know what we want.
Today, people get married out of a race. To me, you should love when you are married but don't get married because you love.
what are signs that show that a couple is “ready” to get married? Has seeing what your peers have been up to on social networking sites ever influenced the way that you view your own life?
Most couples know when they are 'ready' to get married. But, here are a few 1. talking about marriage/children/future and use the words 'we' and 'us'.. 2. enjoy spending time together very much...many shared experiences 3. financially fit and have an idea how to support a family 4. have worked thru 'issues' satisfactorily...can talk honestly/easily with each other 5. you not only love each other, but like each other, too 6. shared values 7. have been with each other to recognize the imperfections in each other, but these imperfections are not deal-breakers 8. good communication skills...on both sides 9. have met each others' families.. 10. each feels ok in their skins..are ok with the differences between each of them and can live with those differences.
And, no...social networking sites do not make me want to rush into anything nor do they influence my decisions..
There are plenty of economic benefits to marriage, but of course, the biggest thing that pushes people to marriage is the emotional factor. Just remember, divorces are EXPENSIVE! Lawyers, your time, their time, time away from work, children/pets (if any) caught in the middle, custody decisions, paperwork, etc. Think about the consequences. That's a motivator to wait to be married.
You know, you don't have to have a wedding to get married. You also don't need to be moved out either. You're just applying your own ideals to all other marriages.
I got married in august and it is absolutely no different than when we were engaged or when we were just dating. People imagine this huge change in your relationship or lifestyle the moment you sign a piece of paper but the truth is nothing happens and nothing changes.
Get married when you want to get married. Who gives a shit.
For me, I don't even care about getting engaged, I just want a boyfriend. honestly I've always wanted one, but I never felt old enough to have one.
Now that I'm old enough, my complete lack of a social life/social awkwardness shot that horse in the foot.
Honestly it's normal to be jealous and feel rushed about this stuff simply because it's something most everyone wants & when it's everywhere (like it is these days) it's hard to not feel like there is something wrong with you or that you're the odd one out, but honestly everyone has their own timing. I don't think marriage is a "one size fits all" ordeal. It's different for everyone & since everyone is different it's hard to base something like marriage on other people.