The recent Hurricane Sandy that hit the New York area caused many extremely serious problems in people's lives, few of which had to do with dating. However, for a friend of mine in her mid-20's, the hurricane forced her to question the guy she'd been seeing for the past few weeks. Truthfully though, the hurricane simply brought on what many couples actually end up bringing upon themselves:
too much intimacy too fast. My friend had been dating this guy for around a month before the hurricane hit, not too seriously, but seriously enough that when she lost power due to the storm, he was compelled to invite her to stay at his place until she got her power back. This week-long stay, while undoubtedly generous on the guy's part, made her question if she really wanted in on his life. After just a month, she saw things that she otherwise might not have seen for half a year. She learned about his living habits, and there were some that she didn't really love.
Intimacy early on can be problematic. Perhaps, once my friend knew her guy better, these nuances wouldn't have bothered her, and now she is freaked and turned off. But maybe getting a clue at the start is ultimately helpful. Maybe my friend knows now not to waste her time.
What do you think? Is it beneficial to expose your flaws and habits to someone you're dating early on, or is the old-fashioned way of taking it slow while getting to know someone a better route? image source
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Comments (55)
I've never heard of this intamacy thing, but it seems to be similar to intimacy which can be scary but ultimately beneficial if you find yourself comfortable with the person, even after a short while.
So you're saying the guy offered your friend a place to stay when her power was out (and would've likely done the same if she had ended up homeless from the hurricane or had it been a bigger natural disaster in her area and almost certainly wouldn't say 'Ew, no way I'm dating you and wasting my time, you're homeless.'), but she wouldn't even offer to help him improve the things she didn't like about his living situation that didn't meet her expectations? Are you kidding me? Some women these days just... disgust me. Sorry, but it's true. I have a strong distaste for elitism, especially and understandably when it is to the point that it's self-defeating.
Bah, now I have that song stuck in my head... http://youtu.be/SQypDbyZ-_U
Needing time to slowly figure someone out or an explanation for why they live like they do shows a detachment on the part of the person requiring it. We're all people. You ever think perhaps what he needs is a woman in his life? Wouldn't that be a shocker...
@proudsmartypants@xanga - Lmao. Very true and definitely rec'd.
I say it is good to hold off on some things say like farting. But it also depends on you as an individual on what you can handle and your sense of humor. Though if I saw a guys place be disgusting, deal breaker for me. If when I do decide to stay over a guys house, I am terrified to sleep in those sheets, use a fork, or use the toilet.... no way!
Depends on a person's tolerance and being understanding. He may be living a certain way now but will he live like that a year from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from now? At some point, whatever not so appealing living habits he may be having will have to change because they can't be living like that when they actually live with their SO, get married, have kids, etc. If through all of that she feels like the way his living habits are just isn't compatible with hers, then yes, her staying with the guy may have been beneficial to her to help her decide if she should continue dating him.
Hopefully your friend was nice enough to thank him for letting her stay but at the same time gracefully decline going out with him explaining that her living habits and his just aren't compatible. Good luck to your friend.
@ShirleyD@xanga - Yeah, 'cause you're incapable of doing laundry, dishes, or using a disinfecting spray.
You want everything done for you and it's a conflicting ideal with the intimacy you desire (which requires a high level of interdependence, which also leads to the very conflict you avoid in relationships, but with passionate love comes passionate conflict).
If you find a guy who already has everything done for you it's almost certainly because he has much stronger interests in his life than whoever he happens to be dating, interchangeable 'what's her face', and his quirks will come before you (e.g. "That's a $5000 Persian rug, TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! WTF is wrong with you? Versus: "Go ahead and put your feet up on my coffee table/desk/nightstand...well, milk crate, really.").
what specific things? if they are hygiene related, then no way. if anyone leaves food wrappers/plates, half eaten food that they didn't try to seal back up with saran wrap or a twist tie if it is a bag of chips for example, then I'm not going near that pig. is his bathroom ridden with scum, and he gradually literally turned into scum himself?! it depends on what type of things you're talking about. if he can't afford furniture, an entertainment system, and a nice bedroom set, then that's okay. slob behavior, not okay.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - People are not separate from their opportunities and circumstances.
Her power going out, or my example of a house being destroyed from a natural disaster...
Why don't you apply a sliding scale so your interests don't inherently screw otherwise good people (including yourself) out of an opportunity to love and be loved? If he has a $300,000+ house (don't take my example as a literal, calculated/adjusted amount) and lives like a slob then it's understandable you're not interested (higher than that, no way, lower than that, maybe you're still interested, etc.) or do you find correlations between circumstances too complicated to understand? I mean, I know economic models are far more complex than the female sex drive, but seriously? It shouldn't be to the point that you aren't investing in something that would've ultimately been highly profitable to the both of you but was a wasted opportunity just because you were turned off by initial appearances.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - hey asshole, you want to talk about a bigger fucking disaster? did you SEE downtown after that shitstorm? do you realize that staten island and parts of queens are irrevocably devastated?
before you start criticizing on the internet a situation you haven't seen, maybe you should think about what you're fucking saying, dickhead. this is a lot more about losing power. people here have lost their entire fucking lives.
the fucking audacity some people have. jesus.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - compromising his/her own personal hygiene/health is for their own sake as well as others, who might visit their place whether it be a straw hut, apt, regular house, townhouse, or mansion.
of course it would be understandable if it was an extreme disaster situation where you can't wash the dishes/laundry, clean the bathroom, dust the furniture, clean up the trash, but in a daily non-disaster zone, it is unacceptable to not wipe their own ass! lol :D
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "highly profitable" to date the slob is subjective to personal opinion. you're still bitter that your ex doesn't find you highly profitable. you're projecting your own insecurities/bitterness/angry onto others' comments.
A lot of things about the questions (which I know are often added by Datingish and are not supplied by the poster) bother me.
First the word "flaws"...because there is NO one perfect way to be. Sometimes people are incompatible, just because they approach life differently, not because one is flawed.
Life is what it is....asking would things be different if things were different...is sort of a no brainer. Of course they would. Would they be better? That's anyone's call. Was this woman cheated out of six months of blissful ignorance, or was she given the gift of an early head's up...depends on anyone's perspective.
Even in middle age, I discovered that my boyfriends way of doing things, which were out in left field compared to what I was used to...actually were pretty nice. To some people they might be flaws, or weird, but once I gave things a try...and he says the very same thing about me. He NEVER would have tried this or that, etc, but now he has and he likes it.
I'm sure he learned a lot about her as well. In fact I'm wondering if he might be writing a similar blog somewhere!
This was an interesting opportunity for both of them, but not that unique. I know many couples who got very intimate very quickly, even choosing to move in together after only knowing one another a few weeks.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - LMAO...not putting a twist tie on chips = pig?!
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Lol, and you come out of nowhere with your irrelevant shit. I've never even had a house of my own to know what it's like to lose one.
You're complaining about problems some of us would love to have.
Before you go criticizing people on the internet, consider how a person's living conditions scale to their opportunities and circumstances just like I was saying, asshole.
Irrevocably devastated? Meaning there's no fucking way to repair the damages? Huh, that's funny. People can build it but they can't fucking repair it...
I think that's a problem much bigger than a natural disaster.
"Doesn't matter if you're skinny
Doesn't matter if you're fat
You can dress up like a sultan
In your onion head hat
We are building a religion
We are making a brand
We're the only ones to turn to
When your castles turn to sand"
http://youtu.be/p99a6K81zqM
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga -
http://t3hz10n.xanga.com/769709840/projecting-its-a-two-way-street/
Projecting: It's a two-way street.
Admittedly, my room is messy and has plates/bowls of food sitting out that I don't feel like taking to the garbage or sink at any given time. Wanna know why? IT ISN'T MY ROOM AND NO ONE ELSE HAS TO DEAL WITH IT BUT ME. Having another person in the situation changes the entire equation. Some people have far more important things to worry about than appearances. If only everyone was so focused on things that actually matter.
For every superficial problem you find in my lifestyle/philosophy that can be fixed in 20 minutes of light cleaning I will find a fundamental flaw in yours that would take a miracle for you to even begin to understand that it is a problem in the first place.
You're projecting your bad experience with slobs onto me.
I don't know - I've never really had to deal with a guy who was sloppy or anything. Most of the guys that I've dated have actually been extremely clean - almost meticulous - but I can see where it would be a turn off. I don't mind cleaning, but there's nothing worse than somebody who doesn't respect the cleaning you do and just messes things up again right after you clean them.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - If I had the money to travel there, I would fucking help repair the damages for free. Guess what? I don't even have the fucking money to be charitable or to be selfish with.
How's that for audacity? Dickhead.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - you're one to talk a big game but until you've moved out of your parents house and make your own money, then don't tell shirley to clean a guy's mess at his place that he caused. you're the one, who feels entitled. you can't make enough money in 20 mins to pay your own rent, you ain't oprah. you can't make enough money to fly to see your ex regularly so she can't complain that there's distance. you're unstructured and full of excuses. for every excuse you have, you have yet another one.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I thought you prided yourself in no personal attacks/insults...hypocrite yet again!
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I'm one to talk big game whenever I am capable of bringing it, and when I'm the one who does move out of my parents house, she will have been wrong about me the entire time and we will have both lost out on time together because of the shortsighted bullshit that is judging based on initial appearances.
"...then don't tell shirley to clean a guy's mess at his place that he caused."
If you want to take personal responsibility to the max, don't tell a guy he isn't dateworthy who would be kind enough let you stay at his place when your power goes out... which is your responsibility, not his.
I'm sure he would clean up his own messes if he didn't have more important things to worry about (like helping someone who depends on electricity) than miscellaneous superficial crap.
http://youtu.be/nS246KKU5Dw
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I'm a perfectionist while you settle for being average. if you were better than average, then your ex would choose you, but she didn't. I focus on the important and everyday things that seem small, but it'll turn into an unappealing habit. if you focused on more than just obsessing over one girl, who doesn't give a shit about you anymore, and pursued more things, then you'd rule the universe like me, but you don't, because you're a stubborn fruity jackass. ohyes, tear me a new asshole right back
@T3hZ10n@xanga - by the time that you've "proven" it, it is too late. what's the point in proving it to her when she doesn't give a fuck. you focus on pointless pursuits. prove it now or lose it sisterboy.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - What ex? According to her we were never in a relationship... so please decisively pick a side if you want me to annihilate your every argument from the other.
I'm going to work to make money and look at sexysighted people
@T3hZ10n@xanga - once in a while power outages is different from dating someone seriously and inviting the person over. since you're a slob, then you won't mind other slobs. i'm a neat freak. if your ex was ugly, then you wouldn't be googagaing over her, but you are still superficial no matter which way you try to spank internet asscheeks.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - No two things are ever the same, assbutt. If they were the same they would be one thing, hence my suggestion to attune your attraction to others who aren't you based on a sliding scale that takes their circumstances into account (that is, if you feel you must project your desires onto others instead of just accepting them for who they are if they would extend the same courtesy to you). I may see things from the perspective of a superficial slob, but I myself am so deep I rain down to fill puddles like you who only see me as nothing more than one shallow drop at a time coming from a distant ocean of everything you want and wish you yourself could be.
"You should be honored by my lateness
That I would even show up to this fake shit"
If you want to get into insults, that's a whole different game. Otherwise I was commenting on this to show you and others that there are opportunities many people deliberately overlook for no good reason.