Thursday, 15 November 2012
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Is Gaming Ruining Your Relationship?
Do you play any kind of electronic games? Maybe it’s Angry Birds on your phone or Zelda on your Nintendo DS or even The Sims 3 or World of Warcraft on your computer. How often do you get to play these games? Some people find electronic games very relaxing and enjoy sitting down and playing them as a means of winding down after a long day of work or school.For some people, however, playing electronic games is not simply a means to unwind; rather, it is a way of life. Gaming takes up a large portion of their time – even to the point where their gaming habits are affecting their relationships with other people. Is your significant other addicted to gaming?
Video game addiction, unlike drug or alcohol addictions, is not considered an actual medical diagnosis; however, as with any addiction, playing video games too frequently can affect one’s job and/or school performance as well as potentially damage relationships with one’s family, friends, and significant other.
How do you know when somebody you love may be addicted to video games? Look for the following behavioral traits:
- He would rather continue playing video games than go out and socialize with people.
- He stays up until late hours of the night gaming and usually wakes up for work or school tired and cranky.
- He becomes unusually frustrated and angry when the gaming system or network temporarily breaks/is offline.
- He is playing games while talking to you on the phone or when you are in the same room as he, and you know he is not fully listening to a word you say. There may be a delay in his response time when you ask him a question, or his responses to you may not be more elaborate than a grunting sound or simple “yeah” or “no.”
- He chooses video games over taking care of himself. Instead of eating a balanced diet, exercising, and even bathing, he sits around and plays his video game all day. It is especially alarming when this becomes a regular behavior.
- He neglects responsibilities/chores around the house in order to have more time to play games.
- He downplays his video game use or makes excuses for playing games for as long as he has. If you ask him how long he played video games on any given day, he will either lie and tell you that he’s been playing for, say, 3 or 4 hours when you know he has spent the entire night playing, or he will make an excuse as to why he had to be playing video games all night. “I had a super stressful day at work,” or “My mom is mad at me, and I needed to unwind” are common examples of excuses heard by significant others of gaming addicts.
Most likely, if your significant other does spend an excessive amount of time gaming, you feel neglected, and understandably so! What can you do? Is it time to break off the relationship? Before you throw in the towel on the entire relationship, there are a few other things you can try:
- Talk to him. This one should be obvious, since the best relationships thrive on always keeping communication open. If video games are really impacting the quality of your relationship, you need to tell your significant other exactly how his gaming makes you feel. Approach the subject gently; do not simply tell him, “It’s me or the games!”, but tell him that you care about him and want to spend more time with him, but the games are getting in the way of that. Tell him how neglected you feel when he chooses video games over spending time with you or does not fully listen to you when you talk to him. If he truly cares about you, he will take your feelings into consideration.
- Suggest other things you can do together, and make plans. Start a weekly tradition. Do you both like board games? Do you have a shared interest in playing a sport? Are you both into arts and crafts or volunteering? Plans events that help encourage him to get into the outside world. Who knows – he may find that he likes it more than the gaming system. Just make sure that wherever you go or whatever you do, he is away from the source of his gaming addiction.
- Compromise with him. You do not want him to see you as an antagonist, or the person who took away his beloved games, so instead of demanding that he stops playing the games entirely, tell him to cut back an hour or two each day so that you can spend time together.
- If he is unwilling to admit that he has a video game problem, but his gaming is still affecting the quality of your relationship, suggest therapy. Tread carefully with this one. Nobody wants to hear that he may need therapy, so this is definitely a subject to bring up lightly. Try to approach the subject with a positive spin: talk about how you enjoy spending quality time together and how the therapy would help you have more of it. Talk about how it will make your relationship stronger. Talk about how the therapy will ultimately lead to both of you being happier with the state of your relationship. Do not push him to be defensive by insisting that he needs therapy because he has a problem; you will be significantly less likely to get him to cooperate with you. Also assure him that therapy is something you can try and let him know that if it is not working, you both can stop.
If you have tried directly addressing your significant other’s gaming addiction with him, and he has clearly put no effort into changing his ways, it may be time to get out of the relationship. Why stay with a person who takes you for granted when you can be with a person who will fully love and respect you?
Have you or has anybody you know been in a relationship with somebody who had a video game addiction? How did you or the person you know handle that situation? Did things get better after some intervention?
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- From: iamnotyourgrandma
- Name: iamnotyourgrandma
- About Me: I'm 24 years old, and, as my username implies, there is a 100% chance that I am not, in fact, your grandma. I enjoy discussions about relationship ideologies and examining how a person's background/upbringing affects his/her views about how relationships work. Feel free to leave me a comment or subscribe to my site!
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Comments (25)
I've known a few people with gaming problems. They had to do counseling for awhile because it was affecting their marriages. They weren't spending enough time with their children, either. They just sort of..checked out of their family lives to play games.
I do know, though, that you can enjoying gaming and have a healthy balance. My husband plays *maybe* 1-2 hours gaming a week. I have never tried to limit his time, because it's never detracted from our time together.
If you want to play games all the time, fine, stay single. That might give those of us who actually want to put time and effort into a relationship a better chance. I'm not trying to downplay addiction or anything, it just unnerves me that there seems to be a growing trend of people who would rather play games than spend time with their significant other.
I knew a guy who failed uni, lost his job and his girlfriend because of playing WoW all the time. It's pretty sad but there's an addictive element there and people need to be aware of it..
i guess i was one of the lucky ones. my husband and i are both gamers. MMORPG gamers. slaying orcs together, wearing matching outfits, same server, same guild, same raid schedule! and i wouldn't want it any other way. :)
I played Sims 3 for 7 hours today. What a coincidence this post is!
It is all about balance. I've been complimented by other girls with boyfriends for my ability to walk away from a game when needed, when their boyfriends cannot. Honestly kinda a weird thing to be complimented on.
I don't know what it is about some people getting addicted to games to the point it destroys parts of their lives, go get therapy. It isn't even a 'with time they learn' situation from what I've seen. Ah well.
It should be He/She. Anyway, my boyfriend meets some of those. lol. BUT that is okay. Gaming is his hobby and we do it together too!!!! Also when I want to go out we go out or he when he wants to we do. Today the huge update just came out for SWTOR so he will be gaming most of his day off. I rather he be home gaming than out to some club til the wee morning hours and waking up tired cuz of that. So it's all good to me. Let him game all day and I will join him too. =)
@ShirleyD@xanga - I was originally going to write "he/she", but I simplified it to "he" just because a majority of video game addicts are males, which research has consistently shown. I did not mean to imply that this situation does not happen the other way around, though - you're right, it most certainly does! Plenty of women enjoy video games, too, and I'm sure there are many who find themselves addicted.
I think lots of people work too much but that's not a disease because most of them enjoy the benefit of money n the pleasure it brings. Gaming incessantly is similar. If that's what someone likes, let them do it.
It's not a disease. It's a hobby.
I think if you ever meet someone with a gaming addiction (or any kind of addictions), you need to run, not walk, and definitely not compromise or talk it over. You're not their life coach and shouldn't have to compensate for their lack of effort in making the relationship work.
Why's it only he this and he that? Sexist, tsk tsk heh.
I've heard stories of people who game too much and ruin aspects of their lives over it, but never actually known anyone who's done it. There was a brief time when after I quit a job I used to work around 60 hours a week for a few years straight with not many actual days off that I stayed home and just played games. A lot of new games I really wanted to play had just come out, so I played through most of them until completion. My girlfriend brought it up and complained of course, but to me I just felt like I needed some time to relax and enjoy myself after all the pain I'd put up with for so long at work. I was still making money, still doing the normal set of chores, daily exercising and everything else so not a big deal.
What? Some of these are crazy.
1) Sometimes people suck. Sometimes you just don't want to go outside. Sometimes I'd rather shoot someone or go on a magical adventure to save some princess/the world than live my current boring life outside. That is ok. I go out...just not on command.
2) Have you ever played WoW or Elder Scrolls? Yeah...way more fun than sleep or that stressful homework. Yeah yeah it will get done but we gamers need something more than "womp womp womp womp" all friggin day.
3) He...yeah can't get frustrated if I don't have a vagina? First off you pay for something like XBOX live. I expect it to be up and running. And yes I'd appreciate if stuff I bought didn't crap out. Nobody bitches about PSN being down...
4) A lot of people HATE talking on the phone. If I can't actively see your face, I can't engage in full convo. It is also the same reason why I never get on mic or ventril unless I absolutely need to. Besides...not everyone is addicted to the damn phone.
5) So are you saying that partying and not taking care of yourself is better? How about that hard working college student that lives off of top ramen and hot pockets because they are too busy studying and stressing to eat a balanced diet?
6) I have yet to meet anyone that gets up and goes "yay chores!" Everyone neglects them...don't lie.
7) If he bothers to even answer you, he is probably telling the truth. If someone asks me "Oh how long were you playing?" and I decline to answer, I probably have been playing too long.
Pfft typical non gamers *rolls eyes*
The thought behind this post is appreciated, and some good points are made. :3
But as a female gamer, this post is biased, and strengthens the stereotype of gender roles. While it may be for the sake of generalizing and easier flow to writing, such things can be adjusted for regardless stylistically with not much time.
Gaming is fine as long as you know your limits. My boyfriend isn't into video games so I don't have this problem, but my basic rules would be - don't cancel time with me to play a video game, when I'm at your house, don't ignore me for a video game (unless we move in together, then this point becomes somewhat invalid), and don't ignore class/your job/your responsibilities for a video game. Once someone starts doing that and doesn't buck their ideas up once I've spoken to them, they're gone. I think it shows a lot of immaturity to ignore real-life for a game, especially when it has really negative consequences.
I have no problems with people gaming as long as it just remains a hobby and doesn't become a way of life.
no, I haven't dated a gaming addict.
the only game that I can play for hours is the michael jackson game from sega genesis. humorously entertaining. the gore games don't interest me that much. I like artsy games where you earn points/money or whatever to decorate a scene.
I dated a borderline video game addict for just over 6 years, but he was OCD about hygiene and other aspects of his life, so while he kept work and school and cleanliness/hygiene a priority, our relationship and his personal life took a huge hit. I never realized just how bad it was until we started living together. we moved in to our own apartment less than a year before we broke up, and instead of him helping me cook, clean, do dishes and laundry, he devoted all his free time to work, school, and video games. I was a full time student also, so a lot of my free time went into class and homework, so all of the household responsibilities fell on me. later on, I started a nanny job, so I had even less free time. I warned him before I started working that I would need help once I got the job, but things never changed. I spent a lot of time alone. I ended up doing everything on my own: running errands, going grocery shopping, etc. video games ruined our relationship and our sex life. we were engaged, and I broke it off a little before a year before we were planning to get married. while I can't blame video games 100% for what happened, I know they were one of the big reasons things didn't work out. he should have spent less time with the games, and more time helping me, or just spending quality time with me. I know things could've been a lot worse, but they were bad enough as it was. everybody makes jokes about people like this, but it's a sad reality that not too many people understand.
Because nobody has ever dropped out of school from spending all their time at the gym, instead of going to class. Nobody has ever gotten fired from their job because they spend all their time browsing fashion websites and watching Project Runway instead of working. Nobody has ever forsaken their family to follow a band on the road, avoided social contact because they are more comfortable with their dog, or spent weeks devoted solely to the collection of Beanie Babies.
The truth is, people obsess over things. A LOT. And people who are obsessed with just one thing lack a lot of other social skills. The thing is, if what you are obsessed with happens to be something that Michael Phelps can win a gold medal doing, we call it a worthwhile pursuit. Nevermind that most Olympic/professional athletes are maladjusted sociopaths who have neither the inclination nor tools to live what most psychologists would call a "healthy" mental life (see Seau, Junior). If you obsess over one thing and can turn it into money or fame, our society calls you a success. If you obsess over one thing and it makes you zero money, we call you a freak. Yes, even if your obsession is charity work or sex (see Woods, Tiger).
Gamers are united by one common thing: they like to play games. Sure, some of them obsess, just as do some football players, firearm enthusiasts, and Asian parents. Some gamers make terrible romantic partners, some of them smell funny, and some of them lack basic life skills like how to organize time or cook pancakes. But let's face it... anybody who becomes obsessed with a single pursuit gets like that. The key here is not "how to deal with gamers" it is "how to deal with obsessed people". And frankly, my only advice is that you are likely to matter a lot less than their obsession, so maybe you should look for people who understand the difference between a hobby and a lifestyle, whatever that hobby may be.
My boyfriend is definitley addicted to gaming. Does it ruin our relationship? No, because while he will play his games on the computer, I play mine on wii,ps3, ect :) So we both play games. My last boyfriend was horrible with gaming though. Would completely ignore me, make me make him food all the time cause I couldn't get him to get his ass up. My computer was better than his so we'd be at my house all the time and he never wanted to go out..... So glad my current bf actually isn't like that, even though he is technically addicted. Not to mention he has a good job and doesn't let his gaming get invoved with his work schedule :)
This sounds very similar to my boyfriend. He uses video games as an escape a lot of the time and just shuts down from myself and his life. I hope that he can start living a more full life and takes better care of himself and his health.
People can become obsessive and compulsive in a lot of ways, over many activities, but I have to say that gaming worries me the most because of how sedentary it is. What ends up happening often is that he will stay in his dark room almost all day long gaming, going to the living room, bathroom, or the couch sometimes. He's living, but I don't feel that he is alive. I know that he isn't happy with how he is living life right now, but this addiction is very difficult for him to break. I don't think he knows how to exist without playing video games.
...Any of you ever tried playing video games WITH THEM? Much more enjoyable than bitching and crying about it.
This is hilarious. According to your symptom list I am totally addicted to video games...Yet at the same time I still manage to get working done, homework from college, and have a few good friends. Maybe the list is a little too open. Just a thought. I have to agree with chronic_masticator on this one.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - haha I play 3 to 4 hours a day. However I am single. Yet I also do not miss turning in homework at school or working.
Haha. This was me at one point. I was addicted to one particular MMORPG for five long years XD
What's all this "he" business? I'M ADDICTED TO GAMES!
So's my boyfriend though, so we're good.
Now excuse me..